Wellington Cable Car

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The Wellington Cable Car is a [[tourist attraction]] consisting of two cars connected in a funicular standing design, where the weight of one car is used to launch the other car up the hill. The cars are propelled by [[manual labour]] with the assistance of a motor the size of a [[microwave oven]]. An old microwave oven at that, the sort with dials, and comes with a cook book showing all the wonderful things that can be cooked, such as small animals, by harnessing the gentle power of [[nuclear]] radiation.
+
The Wellington Cable Car is a [[tourist attraction]] consisting of two cars connected in a funicular standing design, where the weight of one car is used to launch the other car up the hill. The cars are propelled by [[manual labour]] with the assistance of a motor the size of a [[microwave oven]]. An old microwave oven at that, the sort with dials, and comes with a cook book showing all the wonderful things that can be cooked, such as small animals, by harnessing the gentle power of radiation.
   
 
The Cable Car is not a tram.
 
The Cable Car is not a tram.
   
 
== History ==
 
== History ==
[[Wellington]], New Zealand is the capital city of the country and its main claim to fame is the resemblances it has to San Francisco. It has lots of steep hills covered with houses and regular [[earthquake]]s. The city considered the addition of structures to improve the resemblances. The construction of a large orange bridge proved to be too expensive, and the country did not have enough criminals to justify construction of a maximum security prison in the middle of the bay. A cable car seemed to be the best option due to the economic feasibility at the time.
+
[[Wellington]], New Zealand is the capital city of the country and its main claim to fame is the resemblances it has to San Francisco. It has lots of steep hills covered with houses and regular [[earthquake]]s. The city considered the addition of structures to improve the resemblance. The construction of a large orange bridge proved to be too expensive, and the country did not have enough criminals to justify construction of a maximum security prison in the middle of the bay. A cable car seemed to be the best option due to the economic feasibility at the time.
   
The next stage of the construction was to determine the best location to place the new attraction. The Lambton Quay was chosen at one location due to the nearby [[McDonalds]]. The Cable Car would then be able to take advantage of the large numbers [[America]]n [[tourist]]s who visited the area.
+
The next stage of the construction was to determine the best location to place the new attraction. The Lambton Quay was chosen to be one of the locations due to the large amount of traffic caused by the nearby [[McDonalds]]. The Cable Car would then be able to take advantage of the large numbers of [[America]]n [[tourist]]s who visited the area.
The upper terminal was located at Kelburne, as this allowed tourists and [[Happy Meal]] toting small children to go up and visit the Botanical Gardens.
+
The upper terminal was located at Kelburne, as this allowed tourists and [[Happy Meal]] toting small children to go up and visit the Botanical Gardens. The original Cable Car was opened in [[1902]] and consisted of two trams running along two rail tracks.
 
The original Cable Car was opened in [[1902]] and consisted of two trams running along two rail tracks.
 
   
 
== The ride ==
 
== The ride ==
   
  +
To make the ride more special for [[tourists]] and small [[children]] with their [[Happy Meal]]s, three tunnels were added to the route. These were lovingly constructed by convict labour, with bricks handmade at the Terrace Gaol. One such worker was bricked into the wall, and to this day his [[ghost]] can be seen waiting at Clifton station for a ride home and a Happy Meal. In addition, the ride has its own soundtrack and an on-ride photo section where visitors can take home a souvenir of their Cable Car experience. The Kelburn terminal has a [[Uncyclopedia:Store|gift shop]] to make even more money off of tourists. Visitors can purchase "I rode the Cable Car" T-shirts and "The Cable Car is not a tram" bumper stickers.
   
== Accident ==
+
The original carriages were open to the invigorating Wellington breezes. This enabled young and old to kick against the tunnel sides, and alight from the tram before it had come to a stop. This resulted in broken limbs every couple of trips and the occasional [[death]]. [[No one]] minded this, because in those days people were not soft, pinko namby-pambys, and they enjoyed their fun.
   
To make the ride more special for [[tourists]] and small [[children]] with their [[Happy Meal]]s, three tunnels were added to the route. These were lovingly constructed by convict labour, with bricks handmade at the Terrace Gaol. One such worker was bricked into the wall, and to this day his ghost can be seen waiting at Clifton station for a ride home and a happy meal.
+
===The Gauntlet===
  +
{{wikipediapar|Gauntlet track}}
  +
The Cable Car includes a section of track known as a Gauntlet Track. At this point, riders from opposing trams can slap hands with riders on the other side. Some riders have even taken to jumping from one tram to the other. At each end of the gauntlet track is a [[frog]] who directs the trams to the correct track. Sometimes the frogs can get spooked and the Cable Car has to be closed down to prevent collisions from occurring. Should a frog get run over, go missing, or get stolen by an American tourist, a Cable Car employee has to climb up the hill to the nearby Botanical Gardens to find another one.
  +
Animal rights activists oppose this system of using frogs to control the gauntlet track. They cite the fact that the frogs do not receive compensation for the dangerous work.
   
The original carriages were open to the invigorating Wellington breezes. This enabled young and old to kick against the tunnel sides, and alight from the tram before it had come to a stop. This resulted in broken limbs every couple of trips and the occasional [[death]]. [[No one]] minded this, because in those days people were not soft, pinko namby-pambys, and they enjoyed their fun.
+
== Accident ==
+
The increasing numbers of [[American]] tourists caused problems for the cable car, as it was unable to withstand the increased weight put on the system. In 1973, the brakes on one of the trams failed, and the tram slid down the hill, running over a Ministry of Works worker. As a result, the weight of the trams was reduced by removing the trailers and American tourists were no longer allowed to ride the system. This resulted in fewer fares, and the future of the system seemed to be uncertain.
The Cable Car is not a tram.
 
   
 
== The Present System ==
 
== The Present System ==
  +
{{wikipediapar|Wellington Cable Car}}
  +
In [[1978]], construction began on a new Cable Car, more powerful than the first. Now fully enclosed, it is impervious to water balloons, flour bombs, fruit, American tourists, and most other conventional student weapons. Naturally, admission prices were raised.
   
In 1973, a Ministry Of Works worker was run over by the Cable Car. Since he was leaning on a shovel at the time, the Ministry declared that he was wounded in the line of duty, and began a crusade to have the Cable Car shut down.
+
Now, the majority of passengers on the Cable Car are dirty students and loud-mouthed American tourists with video cameras who, by the time they get to the Tanny Gardens realise that the cable car is really not that great and that the Wellington tourist board is obviously really struggling if they think that tourists will like it. In fact, the cable car isn't even a cable car. Politicians are currently amidst discussions of making the ride more thrilling to visitors. One proposed system concerns the transformation of the current system into a high speed [[roller coaster]] with several inversions, including four loops, a cobra roll, and a [[pretzel]] loop. Another proposal includes the addition of more routes and extending the existing track.
 
The battle lasted for several years. Facilities at Talavera and Salamanca stations were destroyed, and the newly constructed motorway fell, leaving [[nothing]] but the pillars on which it stood. Many Bothans died.
 
 
In [[1978]], peace was restored, and construction began on a new Cable Car, more powerful than the first. Now fully enclosed, it is impervious to water balloons, flour bombs, fruit, and most other conventional student weapons.
 
 
Now, the majority of passengers on the Cable Car are dirty students and loud-mouthed American tourists with video cameras who, by the time they get to the Tanny Gardens realise that the cable car is really not that great and that the Wellington tourist board are obviously really struggling if they think that tourists will like it. Politicians are currently amidst discussions concerning the transformation of the current cable car into a high speed [[roller coaster]] that is launched from the top of the hill and goes upside-down fifteen times, including four loops, a cobra roll, several corkscrews, and some pretzel loops. There is also a bit where the cable car actually jumps off the tracks and lands again, and then ejects the passengers, dropping them off at various Kelburn locations.
 
   
 
The Cable Car is not a tram.
 
The Cable Car is not a tram.

Revision as of 17:34, December 3, 2007


The Wellington Cable Car is a tourist attraction consisting of two cars connected in a funicular standing design, where the weight of one car is used to launch the other car up the hill. The cars are propelled by manual labour with the assistance of a motor the size of a microwave oven. An old microwave oven at that, the sort with dials, and comes with a cook book showing all the wonderful things that can be cooked, such as small animals, by harnessing the gentle power of radiation.

The Cable Car is not a tram.

History

Wellington, New Zealand is the capital city of the country and its main claim to fame is the resemblances it has to San Francisco. It has lots of steep hills covered with houses and regular earthquakes. The city considered the addition of structures to improve the resemblance. The construction of a large orange bridge proved to be too expensive, and the country did not have enough criminals to justify construction of a maximum security prison in the middle of the bay. A cable car seemed to be the best option due to the economic feasibility at the time.

The next stage of the construction was to determine the best location to place the new attraction. The Lambton Quay was chosen to be one of the locations due to the large amount of traffic caused by the nearby McDonalds. The Cable Car would then be able to take advantage of the large numbers of American tourists who visited the area. The upper terminal was located at Kelburne, as this allowed tourists and Happy Meal toting small children to go up and visit the Botanical Gardens. The original Cable Car was opened in 1902 and consisted of two trams running along two rail tracks.

The ride

To make the ride more special for tourists and small children with their Happy Meals, three tunnels were added to the route. These were lovingly constructed by convict labour, with bricks handmade at the Terrace Gaol. One such worker was bricked into the wall, and to this day his ghost can be seen waiting at Clifton station for a ride home and a Happy Meal. In addition, the ride has its own soundtrack and an on-ride photo section where visitors can take home a souvenir of their Cable Car experience. The Kelburn terminal has a gift shop to make even more money off of tourists. Visitors can purchase "I rode the Cable Car" T-shirts and "The Cable Car is not a tram" bumper stickers.

The original carriages were open to the invigorating Wellington breezes. This enabled young and old to kick against the tunnel sides, and alight from the tram before it had come to a stop. This resulted in broken limbs every couple of trips and the occasional death. No one minded this, because in those days people were not soft, pinko namby-pambys, and they enjoyed their fun.

The Gauntlet

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gauntlet track.

The Cable Car includes a section of track known as a Gauntlet Track. At this point, riders from opposing trams can slap hands with riders on the other side. Some riders have even taken to jumping from one tram to the other. At each end of the gauntlet track is a frog who directs the trams to the correct track. Sometimes the frogs can get spooked and the Cable Car has to be closed down to prevent collisions from occurring. Should a frog get run over, go missing, or get stolen by an American tourist, a Cable Car employee has to climb up the hill to the nearby Botanical Gardens to find another one. Animal rights activists oppose this system of using frogs to control the gauntlet track. They cite the fact that the frogs do not receive compensation for the dangerous work.

Accident

The increasing numbers of American tourists caused problems for the cable car, as it was unable to withstand the increased weight put on the system. In 1973, the brakes on one of the trams failed, and the tram slid down the hill, running over a Ministry of Works worker. As a result, the weight of the trams was reduced by removing the trailers and American tourists were no longer allowed to ride the system. This resulted in fewer fares, and the future of the system seemed to be uncertain.

The Present System

Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Wellington Cable Car.

In 1978, construction began on a new Cable Car, more powerful than the first. Now fully enclosed, it is impervious to water balloons, flour bombs, fruit, American tourists, and most other conventional student weapons. Naturally, admission prices were raised.

Now, the majority of passengers on the Cable Car are dirty students and loud-mouthed American tourists with video cameras who, by the time they get to the Tanny Gardens realise that the cable car is really not that great and that the Wellington tourist board is obviously really struggling if they think that tourists will like it. In fact, the cable car isn't even a cable car. Politicians are currently amidst discussions of making the ride more thrilling to visitors. One proposed system concerns the transformation of the current system into a high speed roller coaster with several inversions, including four loops, a cobra roll, and a pretzel loop. Another proposal includes the addition of more routes and extending the existing track.

The Cable Car is not a tram.

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