Wellington

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Wellington is the capital of New Zealand, famous for its cake tin stadium and its glorious 200km/h 2,000km/h winds. It contains one of the best train stations in New Zealand, and is the preferred location for playing chicken. It's a really, really, really cool city, it has its own mayor and an airport and lots of cafes and everything!

But, on the contrary, Wellington also sits on top of a highly active fault line. It is unknown who's idea it was to build the city where it is, but recent studies show that all citizens were actually neurologically vandalized, destroying any memory of the person responsible. Ignorant residents of Wellington root sheep, while the rest of the world waits to see whether Wellington or Auckland will be first to be demolished due to their completely idiotic locations. Will it be Wellington, easily swallowed one day by the fault line beneath it? Or will it be Auckland, the City of Cones, simply crushed by molten rock and ash erupting from surrounding "dormant" volcanoes?

Contents 1 Parliament 2 Te Papa 3 Suburbs 4 Strathmore 4.1 Pukerua Bay 4.2 Plimmerton 4.3 Central Porirua 4.4 Porirua East 4.5 Titahi Bay 4.6 Tawa 4.7 Miramar 4.8 Mt. Victoria 4.9 Seatoun 4.10 Newtown 4.11 Karori 4.11.1 Wildlife Sanctuary 4.12 Lower Hutt 4.13 Island bay 4.14 Aro Valley 4.15 Brooklyn 4.16 Northland 4.17 Hataitai 4.18 Oriental Bay 4.19 Kilbirne 4.20 Mount Cock 4.21 Wadestown 4.22 Wainuiomata 4.23 Johnsonville 4.24 Newlands 4.25 Khandallah 4.26 Thorndon 4.26.1 Thorndon Trivia 4.26.2 Paraparaumu 4.26.3 Upper Hutt 5 Stadium 6 Cable car 7 Petone 8 Normandale Hill Road

[edit] Parliament

Wellington hosts New Zealand's parliament, a large building called the beehive, which also happens to be it's shape. The Beehive (also know as Barad-dûr) is renowned for the Slimy old man who inhabit it (see John Key), who argue constantly about the latest Maori land rights and what has recently been offensive to Maoris. The Beehive was originally hosted in Auckland, and had the Skytower on top of it, but had to be moved down to Wellington due to the fact that people from Invercargill were always late to caucus meetings. The Beehive remained completely intact for about a week, then a large storm came and blew the Skytower back up north. It landed in Paeroa. A large debate occurred between Auckland and Paeroa, until, finally, Helen Clark Senior made it law that no towns beginning in "P" could have more than one national icon. So they took it back. Auckland, even today, still believe they are the capital city of New Zealand.

[edit] Te Papa

Te Papa (translated "Oom-pah-pah") is the city's vibrant museum, famous for its anchor in the entrance hallway, which was put there by Maui (the motor-home company) because there was a free spot. Teenagers of Wellington are often found at Te Papa stealing wheelchairs for use around various races in the town. These circuits include "Down Cuba," "Public Parking Buildings" and the "Mount Victoria Run". EXTEND ->

[edit] Suburbs

Wellington has some amazing suburbs, unique in their diverse ways.

[edit] Strathmore

Is home to all of Wellington's fat slobs and gangs. One notable gang is the "darkside" a hard-core group of Star Wars afficianados. It is also home to everyone on the dole and has thousands of state houses.

[edit] Pukerua Bay

The first small satellite town that will grace a visitor to Wellington "Puke bay" (Pronounced "pookey") is a welcoming site to travellers who have successfully crossed "The Killzone", which is a single lane motorway sometimes referred to as "State Highway 1" and which forms the only arterial route between Wellington and civilisation - or the rest of the country, depending on your definition of civility. Most people here have beards and shoot movies of rabid sheeps roaming the hills around the village. The chinese word Pukerua stands for "two puking sheep", alluding to the giant sheep-shaped hills surrounding it.

Pukerua Bay is also well known for having more train stations per capita than any other town in New Zealand.

[edit] Plimmerton

Plimmertonians are the most pretentious and isolationist people of Wellington. Occupying only a small stretch of coastal road, Plimmerton is a jealously guarded playground for race car enthusiasts. The most popular course in Plimmerton is Airlie Road, which starts in Plimmerton and conveniently ends at a large cemetery. Plimmerton is also known for the excellent Big Salami Pizza Place and all the snobby rich plimmertonians who are very high class because they buy lattes for $4. There is also a little beach where you can hang out outside the toilets with all the plim hooligans. You can tell who these guys are with the t-shirts they wear and their rebelious skateboarding on the road.

[edit] Central Porirua

For those wondering where to find fast-food, there's no better place than the Americatown known as Porirua. Containing the great three (McDonalds, KFC, and Burger King) and even some obscure restaurant ("Denny's"), it supplies your three square meals each day. You can buy basically everything there, except CDs that aren't hip-hop and drugs that aren't clean cut. It is also known to be called poorirua and theres trying to make richierua, part of the aotea block but aotea block is the dumbiest idea ever it lead to Porirua East, you do the math!

There's also a little suburb called Whitby (also referred to as "Whiteby") which is apparently a part of Porirua although. The main population are all middle class white people and their emo/scene kids love getin inhaling substances at the skatepark and wearing skinny jeans. Whitby people often are confused as they all have all the same looking houses. Main attractions are the excessive bus stops, the excellent New World andddd yep thats about it, oh and the superb fish and chips and video store.

[edit] Porirua East

Home and birth place of Jake "The Muss" Heke before his migration to Auckland, as well as three quarters of the population of Samoa, Eastern Porirua is considered by many to be the most welcoming and well maintained township in all of New Zealand. Its clean streets thrive with polite and well mannered people who will gladly exchange conversation about science, politics and international news with visitors. Coupled with a low crime rate this is an extremely popular tourist destination.

Porirua east is the home of many well established New Zealand artists who grace the area's public property with delightful slogans and coloured artworks as well as a number of experimental artists who forge large steel artworks from cars and bricks.

[edit] Titahi Bay

A small towns name commonly misread by illiterate, retarded and non-schooled people - that is, the whole population of New Zealand - as Titi-Bay. The most commonly used phrase to date in Titahi Bay is "Here today, Gone tomorrow" as it describes most of what happens to the letterboxes of homeowners. The residents of Titahi Bay regularly enjoy visits from the people of Porirua East. The Eastern Porirua people help Titahi bay residents by removing unused cars from the sides of the roads, putting unwanted possessions from other properties into their own and tagging other houses, saying "welcome to the neighbour hood, the first break and enter comes free with the move, but after that we are going to have to charge a flat fee for removing your property. P.s. you dont mind we spraypainted this message on your wall do you? We couldnt find any pen or paper in your house, I think we took it yesterday. P.p.s. You have no toilet paper left". Most of the (white) people move away because of because of this and because they eat the their left-over KFC (and the occasional Mcdonalds, where the Bay Bums move their cardboard boxes to this location before returning days later to their original location, the rubbish bins outside of th cafe by the local sewage disposal the beach- where people are swimming under turd undetered). Note: If you're on your way past Wellington and you see a sign saying 'Porirua' or 'Titahi Bay', just keep driving; there a nice place called Paraparaumu you can stop to get a feed.

[edit] Tawa

Tawa is a suburb bookended by a mental asylum and a women's prison. Betwixt these extremes resides the most God fearing suburb of Wellington. Because so many people worship God, the most busiest part of the week is Thursday, when churchgoers and old people party like there is no tomorrow. Tawa contains the most churches per capita in New Zealand, because people in Tawa just can't get enough Jesus in their town. It's also home to the various choirs on voice-enhancing drugs from the college with the Tawa® brand name. Some people say they have seen Jesus in tawa going to get some fish n chips. But it might of just been blanket Man Tawa is also home to the excellent dressmart which have very reasonably priced clothes for all the emos and scene homos that live in Tawa. Tawas also an excellent place to buy drugs.

In short: 11 churches. 0 mosques. 2 buddhist temples. 50 Scientologist monuments. Keep it that way.

[edit] Miramar

A majority population of old people keeps this boring suburb from being vibrant. Miramar has a proud list of amenities, such as a rich private boys school, Scots College, and a library. But Miramar is really only there to provide a way to get to Seatoun, the rich suburb. Residents of Miramar enjoy low house prices, as the city's airport is located in Miramar. Being woken up by a 767 at 3 in the morning is just one of the many perks of living in this lovely suburb. Valued resident Justin Kissling continues to be a shining light in this downtrodden suburb.

[edit] Mt. Victoria

Mt. Victoria is renowned for being the raddest suburb in Wellington. It's main attractions include; a park where people get drunk and blow shit up at night, 2 crap schools, fat Solé's between 8am and 4pm and the main attraction, happyland or,as most people call it, "that filthy asian brothel down the road" Although not usually religious people in general, many claim that God himself gave birth to New Zealands first sheep here. There is also a halfway house whose inhabitants are often seen scaring the shite out of kids. The need to use the footpaths has long since been abolished

Famous Mt. Victorians:

Sam Morgan (Creator of New Zealands black market, or "Trademe", Chris Brown, Those randoms guys from the halfway house, John Lennon, Gertrude von Schickmeister, the inventor of the groundbreaking formula

[edit] Seatoun

Don't worry about buying a house here, you can't afford it (unless you are Peter Jackson and/or send your son to Scots College). Wonderful sea views come with the convinience of being able to swim to Eastbourne (but lets be serious, who wants to?)

[edit] Newtown

Hippies and skinheads clash daily in the this suburb, which has Wellingtons public hospital and Wellington Zoo and people who smell glue. Yes, and thats about it.

[edit] Karori

(Pronounced Ka-hori) Karori is a wonderland full of magical creatures, there is also a tourettes syndrome sufferer that goes by the name marko, you must be on a watch as he is tends to urinate on passersby so beware , that is to say it's a valley. South Karori has been a benign tumor on the butt of the rest of karori for a few years but is slowly (very slowly) managing to soften and become a sort of portable cushion. Kind of useful but then again who ties a cushion to their ass? Many a retard lives in karori. They often find pleasure on it's dangerous and masacistic mountian bike parks, trying harder and harder to pop their brain out the side of their head with every joyous crash. Wellington City Councillors are currently debating whether or not to make Karori a city of its own, as its weather is always different from that of the rest of Wellington. The council has even offered a payment of several million dollars to be granted to the new "Karori City Council" if the suburb accepts to completely cut its self off from Wellington. Home to clouds, rain and cold, and 2 fuel stations. The Karori Wildlife Reserve is in Karori, other attractions include a big ass field, two bowls clubs, a main road... and another field, not quite as big as the other and a school that is run by fat people. It also the home of notorious metalhead Tristram "i love to wipe blood on my chucks" Gaskell

[edit] Wildlife Sanctuary

This massive fortress was designed to harbor all the useless but cuddly creatures that we can find, plus many a zombie plan revolves around getting in and finding a big stick.

[edit] Lower Hutt

The main source of single mothers in white pants comes from Lower Hutt. Studies indicate that this is due to ingredients that are to be found in the water; namely raw sewage & corpses. It was also the first place in the world to discover the cure for AIDS, but they lost it.

[edit] Island bay

Home of the fish and chip shop, sporting more takeaways that churches this is the suburb for the Culinary challenged. Just about as far south as you can go before hitting Picton, be prepared for a decent cab fare.

[edit] Aro Valley

A lovely student oriented suburb that also houses alternative types with weird hair and rebellious attitudes. The suburb is close to the new bypass, know widely for its cold damp housing and not much else, and they have a video store with cool videos.

[edit] Brooklyn

A suburb that is filled with old people on Saturday nights because of the arthouse cinema, the Penthouse, which sells no popcorn and m'n'ms are $5. Brooklyn is also the home to the fat lady dairy, A.K.A. the Brooklyn Food Market, where one will find many unwrapped lollipops covered in hair for sale. Brooklyn also has a lot of steep streets and a windmill which everyone is in love with but it's actually just a big ugly white thing. Brooklynites range from stupid, SUV-driving "soccer moms" to boring students. Most people catch the Kingston or Kowhai Park bus to get to Brooklyn, because there is a very long and unpleasant journey for you if you decide to walk up Brooklyn hill. Brooklyn is named after Brooklyn in New York, and has streets named after U.S. presidents, how clever!

[edit] Northland

Commonly known as 'Over the Hills and Not So Far Away', the occupants feeling incredibly smug that no-one can find it through the complicated tunnel and traffic light system.

[edit] Hataitai

land of the wong white cwowd. Lots of rich kids and euro cars. Mum and dad find it hard to check their image whilst simultaneously scraping you off the bottom of their shoe, or the hood of their car. Don't mention exchange rates, oil prices (all those SUV's) or (most importantly) interest rates, "put the car on the mortgage dahling". Features highly in "coke news". The village is a good place for dirty old men to hang out on Saturday mornings due to proximity to netball courts. They fit right in with the aforementioned wankers in their Merc's. The Hataitai Thai needs a name change. Common to hear people (usually developers) say "it's just as good as Roseneath/Mount Vic/Oriental Bay" and well known in criminal circles as the best place to steal possessions from cars.

[edit] Oriental Bay

Some ay it is the most wankey of all Wellington Suburbs, residents just say it's exclusive. Either way it has the only inner-city beach, a fountain, and a residents' association so powerful it gets alcohol banned. Period. It also has lots of boy-racers. LOTS or boy-racers.

[edit] Kilbirne

Home of the homeless, Kilbirne is commonly associated with time paradoxes.

[edit] Mount Cock

Similarly to Aro Valley mostly inhabited by students, which is nicely underlined by the fact that the streets have been lovingly decorated with broken beer-bottles, free furniture, vomit and generally rubbish of all sorts. It's nice to see that the future intellectual learns the difference between a big cat and a nicely rubbed ball-sack so quickly, on average within two testicles.

[edit] Wadestown

The old person gathering pit, where the houses are overly priced and the roads are ridiciously steep. The Wilton 14 is the only route out of Wadestown, if you attempt to leave/enter by foot you will be shot on sight. This is basically for your own safety. I mean we can't just have anyone wandering in our out of our lovely suburb can we?

[edit] Wainuiomata

This big swamp over the hills and far away. Home to the Wainuiomartians. The Wainuiomata social welfare offices are the star attraction of the place, as is there are always fights and ambushes on the welfare trucks even before they arrive at their goal. (Penal colony/Rehab facility)

[edit] Johnsonville

A thriving metropolis stationed South of Tawa. Is unique as it has two gangsta colleges on either side. One is cool and the other lies in a crater. It is notable that Johnsonville is possibly the birth place of Tarzan.

[edit] Newlands

A suburb famous for being the worst place in the world. Also known in Mexican as El Shitholeo Del Maximo The females in Newlands are so grotesque no man outside of Newlands will mingle let alone elope with them. This has led to Newlands being officially dubed the insest pit of the southern Hemispher (second only in the world to the Texas mormons facitly). Due to the horriable natutre of this pit, it is currently awaiting inevitable nuclear inilation.

[edit] Khandallah

Unknown to many, a large teleportation device is located in central Khandallah with a two way vortex to India from whence the majority of founding Khandallhites originated from. But sadly it doen't have a rich white boy school. The females in Khandallah never exceed the maturaty age of a 8 year old downsyndrome.

[edit] Thorndon

Purposely located on the Wellington Fault Line (a telephone service that tells you your faults), the contrived location of Thorndon was strategically planned so when "the big one" hits, Thorndon residents will be relocated just down the hill to Bowen Street, home to the world famous "Running of the sheep", which takes place bi-monthly.

Thorndon hosts a wide array of ever-so-useful shops, stocking items such as wrapping paper and overpriced art. There are several fine eateries all charging first-class prices for fourth-class food including the Speights Ale house - This pub is also credited with being the most boring restaurant in New Zealand and serving only one item - sheeps testicle salad, the ingredients for which are scraped off Bowen Street following the Running of the sheep.

[edit] Thorndon Trivia

• Birth place of Nelson Mandela
• Site of the only known kitten huffing den (surreptitiously called Garfield’s).
• former strip clup frequenter and Prime Minister Helen Clark, renowned hermaphrodite resides in Thorndon. She is often seen late Sunday nights trimming her lawn with hedge clippers.
• Home to the Wellington Labradors (New Zealand only professional male netball team).
• Thorndonians refer to garages as "extension of wealth shells".
• Original site of Hogwarts magic school, moved in 1931 after magic was outlawed.
• Has more Tourette's sufferers per capita than anywhere else in the world.
• Thorndon is a combination of two Welsh words: "thorn" meaning "ostin", and "-don" meaning "-tatious".
• Home of the last remaining solid gold dancer.
• Hosts the March stoning of the Emos anually.
• First suburb to install gutters (known at the time as road rises)
• Thorndon is owned by Tori Spelling, though she has no idea of this; it is believed she was suffering from Labour Party Syndrome.

[edit] Paraparaumu

Paraparaumu is for fags with skinny jeans that are too tight, and their dick hanging out, and slutty bitches who sleep around with everyone. Apparently it's a good sport to steal peoples virginities too. Pram kids = Fail.

[edit] Upper Hutt

Is just gay, Lower Hutt is better, shut up and take it. But both are well-known for the Hutt slut. If you venture into either Lower or Upper Hutt theres a chance you won't see your wallet, virginity or any of your other valuable possessions ever again...

[edit] Stadium

The WESTPAC STADIUM is the gay reason to come to Wellington, with the legendary Jerry Collins protecting our grounds from a Canterbury revenge attack. It was named The Westpac Stadium after the local Westpac Dog Food company donated 20,000 tins of its product to be eaten during the opening ceremony. The Stadium is the most accessible place in New Zealand, being near the airport, train station, bus stop, and harbour; it also contains its own carpark, helipad, and space shuttle landing zone. It is also said that the cake tin can be seen from the moon if you are standing on one leg, naked in a space suit trying to rub your stomach, pat your head and drawing circles with your foot in the air, though why anyone would attempt this is beyond stupidity (unless you are Helen Clark, who is the purest form of stupid).

Shane Smeltz is the teams star player and mascot he really gets the crowd going in the yellow fever with all there shirts off

Dodd should also learn to pass the ball to a player, not to the sideline, and to the sideline refs. THEY ARE NOT INVOLVED IN PLAY DODD!!!

[edit] Cable car

The cable car, also known as the glorious turd mover of the asshole of the world by the Australians (who have been known to ride kangaroos from A to B), charges ridiculously high prices for distances that can be walked by my grandma in 5 minutes.

[edit] Petone

Petone is home to many homosexuals and haemaphrodites. Many of which drive pathetically useless cars such as the honda shitty. It is also the home to many unemployed drug addicts. The majority of the population in Petone is on the dole and has been for many years, not likely to change anytime soon. This is not to be confused with Petone Heights, (formerly Korokoro) which enjoys looking down on the peasants of Petone.To ensure that the residents of Petone are kept out of Petone Heights, a new tolled flyover is being built as part of the SH2 upgrade. Petone Heights is known for its tree huggers, drug dealers and porn stars, particularly the residents of TitsnMarijuana Road.

[edit] Normandale Hill Road

This is the home to many mechanical retards, they think that they know everything possible to do with cars and fourwheel driving, in fact they do not. There are also many toyota surf driving girls here. eg Mitchell Seymour