Weighted Companion Cube

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Companion Cube

Weighted Companion Cube. Alone.

The Weighted Companion Cube is a little known character from the critically acclaimed AWESOME game Portal and Portal2. When you play it, you will undoubtedly come across this creature.

edit History

The Weighted Companion Cube grew up in Southern Nebraska and quickly became known for his adept ability to weight down objects such as buttons and even being able to... well... actually, that's it really...

As he grew up, he knew that he wanted to work with kittens in one way or another. His father, Turret #4 wanted him to work in the family business, growing and selling corn. His mother, Weighted Cube #259 worked at a general store as a box to help make the place appear more cluttered. As she watched her little Companion Cube grow into a Weighted Companion Cube, she became more keen on the idea of him going into the kitten-renting business. She saw that he really adored kittens, and he didn't even mind the tiny scratches that they gave him all over his body.

As he grew, and grew corn, people began to see that the Companion Cube was slowly becoming unhappy. He soon got into drugs and alcohol and was kicked out of his place by his dad when he found "150 grams of cocaine, mixed with 2 pints of liquor" to make what he said was "A pretty crappy drink". The Companion Cube found himself on his own for the first time in his life, left completely to his own devices. For a short while, he went missing, and was believed to have been a victim to the mercilessness of the Space Monkey Mafia after a banana shipment went bad. Two years after disappearing, he showed up back at the doorstep of his parents, weathered looking, and covered in sperm.


Companion Cube with his pussies

Eventually, his father died of an AIDs infection in his laser beam because he had sex with Turret 19, and everyone knows that she's a slut. Weighted Cube #259 saw this as a chance to make her Weighted Companion Cube's dream come true, she gave him all of the money that she got from Turret #4's car insurance (it was the best that Geico could do) and sent him to Northern Nebraska where all Southern Nebraskianish people believe that dreams come true.

When he made it to Northern Nebraska he set up shop selling kittens and kitten paraphernalia . As his business grew, so did his notoriety. He soon caught the eye of a small company called Valve Software or some other nonsense. They bought out his company and ran the business into the ground. For the second time in his life, the Weighted Companion Cube was on his own, on the mean streets of Nebraska. While celebrating around a fire of kittens and drinking vodka, Valve saw the Weighted Companion Cube sitting outside in the rain under a newspaper and in a cardboard box crying. The only member of Valve with a heart (it is currently unknown who this is because it is believed that the one heart was soon taken out and sacrificed to Satan in a fun ritual involving pentagrams and balloon animals) saw the Weighted Companion Cube and offered him a job in their upcoming game. And so, it began.

edit Role in Portal


Screenshot of late 60's television show world

He got started right away being all that he could be, which is a cube that weighs things down. He tried to be more then that, but it was impossible, because he was an inanimate object. All the Weighted Companion Cube wanted to do was sell kittens and kitten paraphernalia. So, as he worked on Portal, it soon became apparent to everyone involved that he was going into a deep depression. He wouldn't talk to anyone, and there were rumors around the office that the Weighted Companion Cube attempted to commit suicide.

But soon, it appeared as though things were finally turning around for the WeCoC (as he was becoming known around the office. Pronounced: Weecock) He was to appear in more then 45 different levels, each with a different theme, ranging from lava world, to late 60's television show world. WeCoC began selling his picture to adults and children alike. Unfortunately, murmurs of pedophilia began to surface and WeCoC was imprisoned on what he claimed to be false accusations. He was later let out on parole.

In late 2007, Portal was released for free with two other totally awesome games, and two parts of a full game. Portal was critically reviled and for the most part, people ignored it. The Weighted Companion Cube was upset to learn that his 45 levels had been cut down to a measly single level. And in this level, he was used as a shield against a glowing ball of flying piss. This also happened to be the penultimate level in the game where you had to make the heart wrenching decision of murdering your Weighted Companion Cube, or sitting eternally with him. While most people opted towards killing him without remorse, a few didn't, and sat with him in game for eternity. These people are retards.

edit Avoiding the cube's death

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Weighted Companion Cube.

According to the people at sites like ThinkingWithPortals.com, you can trick GLaDOS into thinking you euthanized your faithful Companion Cube. To do this, go to the door opposite the incinerator. Rip the dev console from a nearby Turret, then input the commands sv_cheats 1 and noclip. This will let you ghost right through the door. Remember to leave the cube on the Aperture Science Over 9000 Watt Super Colliding Button of Bigness. Once you are on the other side of the door, pull another dev console from the side of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grid, then type noclip again, followed by sv_cheats 0. If you forget this last step, GLaDOS will realize you're a h4xx0r, flood the Incineration Center with a deadly neurotoxin, and incinerate your little buddy herself.

edit Weighted Companion Cube Items


Gaming Geeks everywhere marked Weighted Companion Cube's death with a a minute's silent teabagging as a mark of respect.

For a few sad, sad people, the Weighted Companion Cube became an obsession. He began to consume their lives. Even going so far as to become a false deity to some. They began to make fuzzy dice in the vein of the WeCoC. They began making WeCoC origami. There have even been WeCoC stuffed animals. It is believed that those who created these items live in caves and are completely devoid of lives. So, that means that they must be gamers. Or Grues.

edit After The Fame

With only one level, and that being a level where he was murdered senselessly, nobody would take him in. Most people remembered their own actions and Portal and assumed him to be a ghost. For those of them that knew he was only acting at the time, they let him stay for a night or two, but by about the third day, the Weighted Companion Cube would overstay his welcome, especially if the family owned kittens.

Rumors began to surface that WeCoC was into beastiality. This came as no surprise to his mother. She even supported her sons kinky habits. By now, she figured that she had screwed up with him so much, that there was no going back. She would later tell the press. "What do you want from him? He's a cube. For weighting things down. What else is he supposed to do, look at hardcore box porn? ... You make me sick."

The Weighted Companion Cube died Elvis-style on April 6th 2008, going out with pizazz and a body full of illegal narcotics while sitting on the can. A movie is in the works.

It is believed that before dying, the Weighted Companion Cube had a series of short flings with over 22 full grown cats. Each is believed to have given birth to at least one child. Each child is believed to have the features of WeCoC.

A sequel to the movie mentioned above is also in the works. Recently, WeCoC fathered two children: The baby WeCoCs answer to the names Jess and Jack and have a fondness for rhubarb cake.

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