From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Weezer is an American rock/alternative band created in 1992 by lead singer Rivers Cuomo to boost morale of Underdogs, Rejects, Emos and other people that are way too awesome to be loved by the ruling douches in human society. The band consists of Rivers Cuomo (Lead Vocals), Patrick Wilson (The Lil'Drummer Boi), Brian Bell (Guitar Playa, and not being very enthusiastic about anything) Scott Shriner (The Very Replaceable Bass Player), and Karl Koch (The Band's Bitch). The band quickly rose to fame with their release of the single "Buddy Holly" and as a result, their debut Blue Album is considered "Better than most mainstream sh*t" and has sold millions of copies. Since then, they have released ten full-length albums (only 3 of which people bothered to buy), about 20 EPs, and a couple thousand HD-DVDs.
“What's this guy's name? Rivers? That's his name? This is our next Buddy Holly? That's got to be the work of Republicans.”
edit Debut (1992-1996)
In the beginning, there was Rivers, who was a Cuomo. He and Patrick worked at Palermo's scrubbing pots and pans. Rivers heard The Pixies on the radio and said "I want to be a rock star." Rivers used his war bonds to buy a mic, and found a few other struggling musicians in the local homeless shelter, and Weezer was born. Weezer toured the countryside playing flutes and trombones before being discovered. "The Quadoro" that was Weezer, definitely without the aid of Jason Cropper, recorded their first self-titled album "Weezer" (though called The Blue Album by their geek fans) in 1992.
The hit album spawned a hit song Buddy Holly, which was written in homage to Rivers Cuomo's wiener that he nicknamed Buddy Holly:
" Band mate Matt Sharp was sitting at home reading a book, 'So You Think You're Bigger Than Your Own Band?: How To Be a Douche Then Quit Your Band', when he decided to visit Cuomo. As the two were friends, bandmates, and some may say secret lovers, Matt quite often walked straight into Rivers' home, but this afternoon Cuomo wasn't expecting a visit, thus was walking around naked, holding his dick singing OOO-WEE-OO I LOOK JUST LIKE BUDDY HOLLY! in the mirror. Thus the name Buddy Holly stuck"
edit Pinkerton (1996-1997)
Weezer took a much needed break, and with the band having internal conflict due to Japanese sluts hijacking the band, Cuomo was struck with depression, hate, angst, and the thought of writing "awesome muthafucking pop songs." As Cuomo contemplated buying a synthesizer, he was struck down by maggots eating his legs. With this discomfort, Rivers wrote a series of demos expressing the pain and angst of his life.
Upon hearing these demos, Jason Cropper had the idea of recording it and releasing it as Greenerton. He was, of course, entirely ignored by Rivers, because Jason was definitely still not in the band. Rivers soon got together with Mikey Welsh and Scott Shriner, and recorded Pinkerton. The album was released in the U.S. in 1997, Pinkerton was initially a huge success, selling over 3 million copies in the U.S. and 20 million copies in 1997 Japan. Brian was probably there too.
edit Tired, The Green Album, and Maladroit (1999-2005)
On October 14, 1999, Rivers admitted to the press that "Yes, I am a little tired, and maybe it's time to sleep." He sold Weezer to Patrick Wilson and found a nice cave under a Los Angeles freeway, hoping to hibernate for the winter. Patrick worked hard, signed a contract with Jackson Records, and proceeded to produce an album, which he named The Green Album. It contained the songs "Hash Pipe" and "Island in the Sun." It sold tons of albums, and made Patrick Wilson officially "almost as rich as Bill Gates."
Rivers soon awoke from his deep sleep to find that his beloved band had been turned into something wealthier than an oil company (and his pants sticky with semen after numerous wet dreams about Japanese girls), making Rivers really think, "Why bother?" He
summoned the elemental warrior Han' ana Rotoku swore vengeance on the traitors that were his bandmates, and re-established his band in the name of "Rock." Patrick hired a mercenary army of she-bitches to defend himself. The resulting battle was accidentally recorded on tape, and accidentally named Maladroit, and accidentally released on April 2, 2004. The enormous fans' response to the accidental album resulted in over half the population of Italy buying it within a day of its release, marking it the Most Popular Album in One Day in Italy (2004). Rivers and Patrick found themselves besieged by love letters from adoring (and possibly) female fans from around the world.
Brian didn't really do much here. He had another band or something. Nobody really knows.
edit Make - The Believable Truth of Lies (2005-2008)
After returning from his quest to free the Japanese from carnivore robots by the year 3000, Rivers set on writing a new album to fix Weezer's reputation. Unfortunately, during a battle with Wilson, he was stabbed in his penis, draining the frontman of sexual lust, thus killing his ability to make music (what's Weezer without girls, or . . . what looks and . . . feels like girls? . . .). As Cuomo spent his days contemplating the musical future of himself and his band, he turned to MTV and Disney Channel for inspiration. These hours of non-stop pop-sessions made Pat Wilson scared about his oil company-like musical career, so he called up Hugh Hefner, and asked him if he could run an intervention for Cuomo in the form of a Playboy Mansion party.
With the intervention going on, and with many poorly-dressed twenty- and thirty-somethings running around the Playboy Mansion, all was looking towards a true return to form for Weezer... until Rivers was given a guitar by an adoring fan, giving 'Varz (Rivers) a way of creating "TEHH ULTIMATE P0P SAWNG LOLZ." The guitar, the Playboy Mansion, and the fact Cuomo no longer had a penis, thus couldn't write songs about girls, meant Cuomo would write a song named "Beverly's Hills," an ode to a lady with small breasts that resembled hills. Weezer was on their way to a new album.
With Rivers writing songs, Pat being bald, Scott Shriner looking like a douche, Brian Bell stealing Cuomo's ex-groupies and Jason Cropper not being a part of the band, it was all looking promising for the new Weezer release - Rivers' songwriting, however, started getting odd, since he still had no penis, and no way to write songs about familiar things like girls. He then took influences from many abstract influences. Themes, or prominent features in some of these new songs, included the ode to literature (Perfect Personification), nursery rhymes (This Is Such An Incy-Wincy-Spider), he and his grandparents' love of LSD (We Are All On Drugs), shopping (The Damage On Your Shopping Cart), urarophilia (Pardon Me for Drinking Pee), and then some.
The album was released through Walmart, MTV, American Apparel, and McDonalds, in a move Rivers said was "something everyone is doing: Britney, Billy Ray Cyrus.. you know.. everyone! If The Beatles were bigger than God, we'll be bigger than motherfucking Buddha!"
edit The (C)Red Album (2008-2009)
After a failed attempt to overtake Buddhism, MTV and popular culture, the band held an internal meeting in a housing project in Detroit, Michigan. Discussed were various ways of turning Weezer from a failed religion/TV prostitutes to one of the greatest establishments of all time. Wilson came up with the idea of hiring Jared from Subway to "slim down" the band, although this idea was dismissed as "odd" by the group. The location of subsequent meetings (Detroit), meant the band had started to smoke/deal drugs, pop caps, and light up cracka's asses.
The band got obsessed with the American television series The Wire, which resulted in Shriner selling his array of musical instruments, his wardrobe of tight-fitting clothes, and his stash of prestigious Columbian cocaine to buy over fifty different Fubu, Wu-Tang and Eminem Collection tracksuits. Shriner also furthered his vocabulary by adding "fuck" "bitch" "raggity ass" "sup nig?" and "y'all" to his vocabulary.
With Jason Cropper still not a part of Weezer, the band had a new found sense of 'cred'; this would give the band the idea for the album title, while the album cover also paid homage to the band's drug-centered habits and lifestyle. Despite the drug and 'urban-life' center album name, artwork and song titles, the album sold poorly, with one Project Nigga saying "dis shyt's fuckin' wack yo' dem dere crazy white bhoys can't rape, can't shoot can't sell drugs, and now can't make a fuckin' albuhmm y'all'ear?" - a comment that would force the band to change their aesthetic once-a'-fucking-'gain.
edit Trampolines, Apparent Fatherhood and Raditude (2009-2010)
- Released an album called 'Raditude'
- Had a jumping dog on the cover. (Most believe this dog pays tribute to Karl Koch the band bitch.)
- Had songs called "I'm Your Daddy", "Can't Stop Partying" and "The Girl Got Hot" on it
- Lil' Wayne was a collaborator
- At live shows, Rivers jumped on a trampoline
- At live shows, they wore jumpsuits, Wuggies, and fluro vests
- The album sold 2 copies. This article's introduction was lying just so you'd read on - one copy was given to Paris Hilton, so Karl Koch could get laid, and the other was sold to MTV to be used as a soundtrack to The Hills
edit Hurley, The dude from Lost gets his own Weezer album (Not a Joke) (2010-2010)
Despite alienating many of their last remaining ten fans, Weezer set out to destroy their band image even more. This time, they would release another mindless pretty pop album nearly a few months after their former one. Rivers said the following about it: "Now that Weezer has become loved by less people then before, I think it's time to piss off our remaining ten fans with a totally random album I pulled out of my ass, after a night of eating pork and beans."
This New 2010 Album of Weezer is dubbed "Hurley." It is named after and features Hurley from the show Lost. (No I'm not shitting you! Look it up!) If this is confusing and random, that's because your not supposed to understand anything that even relates to Lost. Rivers says the following about the new cover: "I love big sweaty dudes. They are, like, so pretty!"
The album features a lot of odd songs ranging from: "Where’s My Sex?", "All My Friends Are Insects", "Queening Me", and "Throat Coat." Despite this wonderful but random material, none of the songs get radio airplay, except as a secondary track to digital playlists piped into Las Vegas casinos. Many believe this may either be because 1.) The songs may be too awesome since radio plays shit, or 2.) The songs just suck more dick than Elton John.
Many believe that the song names are gang nicknames of Rivers' friends from prison. Rivers was arrested for aiming a shotgun atop a building into a nearby black neighborhood while wearing a Ku Klux Klan uniform. After Rivers was let out of jail, he admitted in an interview that he was not an official member of the KKK, and had just read an article about them as a teenager. His uniform (he told The Boston Globe newspaper) was knitted out of his bedsheets. He told the press he did not want to be a member of the KKK since his numerous applications were rejected.
When Rolling Stone reviewed "Hurley", it declared "Throat Coat" as "The Best Weezer Song Title Since 'Purple Testes (The Asphyxiation of Adam Ant)'."
edit Death To Logical Release Dates (2010 to 2012)
edit The Sex Change (2012-persent)
Using a Delorean, Cuomo and his band travelled to the future with Marty Mcfly. They did so by sneaking into the back when Doc wasn't looking, causing a series of cosmic paradoxes. Rivers found a book praising the band's latest album The Sex Change on September 11, 2012.
edit Everything Will Be Crappy In The End (2014)
After 4 years of kowtowing to everyone, Weezer put kowtowing to full use by releasing Everything Will Be Crappy In The End. Besides bringing in Ric Ocasuck to produce--as The Cars haven't had a hit in 30 years--Rivers dedicated the album to his best advertisers and friends, and even summoned up Leonardo DiCaprio, Elizabeth Taylor and Ronald McDonald as inspirations.
Smack In The Back is an ode to Rivers' begging for forgiveness for all of his sins in the 5 years since the previous album. Return To Ipecac and The Waste Land (The Bathroom Toilet Song) are both instrumentals that lives up to its name in vomitworthiness, and sandwiched in between is No Name, in which Rivers says that he has been in a dream world for the past 5 years and that he has been reincarnated into another Rivers Cuomo. I've Had It Up To Here With Myself is Rivers admitting that he spends more of his time thinking out his thoughts at McDonald's bringing his watercress sandwiches after a Happy Meal made him sick. Eulogy For Weezer is also an admission that Weezer should have passed the torch to Nickelback long ago. Homely Girl is a short song on how Rivers became a wall flower after his girlfriend dumped him for Justin Bieber. Elizabeth Taylor is a song dedicated to the star of Cleopatra telling how she played Cleopatra and turns it into a drinking song at the end by revealing how many husbands and boyfriends Taylor had in her life. DiCaprio tells of Rivers looking for Leonardo DiCaprio on the net but all he can find is DiCaprio's resume from Growing Pains Rivers' favorite TV show. Go Away Please Go Away is a song which is a conversation between Cuomo and Paula Patton about Robin Thicke. The American, British and Canadian Groups Are Taking Over depicts that Rivers wants to play nice to Imagine Dragons, Bastille and MAGIC! but he wants to become the next Lady Godiva declaring war on the groups that have taken over . Ain't Got Nobody To Love Me has Rivers thinking that he's the Maytag Man and wants to fix a washing machine but he has to wait and wait and wait.
The video for Smack In The Back shows Weezer auditioning for the remake of The Monkees' only movie Head with Rivers playing Davy Jones, Pat as Mike Nesmith, Scott as Peter Tork and Karl Koch (the head kowtower and sucker-upper) as Micky Dolenz with Brian playing Angelina Jolie as Rivers' love interest putting melted wax melts on his hair and wiping them on Rivers' feet.
On tour, Brian Bell turned into Kim Kardashian, Pat Wilson played a huge drum set a la Neil Peart but still only using bass drum, snare and floor tom, and Scott Shriner played...well, Scott Shriner and a few of Rivers' lady and a few male groupies in a choir for Foolish Cuomo, yet another song that lives up to its name. For Go Away Please Go Away Rivers picks a random groupie (usually a Paula Patton look-a-like) from the audience and pretends he's Robin Thicke singing Blurred Lines (a.k.a Got To Give It Up.) Barry Manilow would be proud of Rivers since he mentions that he's not a Big Mac and a McRib. The cover of Everything Will Be Crappy In The End is the second album in which Karl has made an appearance but he is now a woolly mammoth.
edit The band members (former and current)
Over its years in existence, Weezer has seen tremendous band loyalty with nearly all of its (un)original members still together. Many believe this to be, because of the members' "Chill as f***" attitudes, cited by Green Day's drummer Tre Cool: "Dude, they are just chill as f**k!"
Weezer has gone through two bass players, but all other members have remained.
edit Brian "Taco" Bell
Weezer's lead guitarist and backing vocals. He's cool and he knows it. He's known to say things like "what-evv, g," "Idc," and "cool" quite a bit. But also at times doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic. "He's too cool at times," says Cuomo.
edit Rivers Cuomo
Rivers Cuomo (Cuomo, pronounced Kwoh-Moe) is Weezer's lead singer and guitar player. He is known to write songs about anything, such as blinking your eyes, to having an enema, and either does it very well, or in a pop overload sort of way. He loves his Japanese women, but overall is pretty chill. Named the band after a character (Wheezer) from the Our Gang series by Hal Roach. Currently, his favorite hobby is balding when you're not looking.
edit Matt Sharp
Weezer's first bass player from 1992-1997. The only good bass player the band will ever have. After Sharp left the band, Rivers decided it wasn't worth it to make good music anymore, so he wrote The Green Album.
edit Scott "Shimmmerrrz" Shriner
Weezer's lead bassist and backing vocals. A former adult star, Shimmerrrz knows how to thrust out those chords out of four big bass strings. He also treats Weezer like a marriage. "I'm the only bass player who hasn't left yet. I respect the band it's like a bitchy wife." (Not citing his actual wife, because she's cool)
He's also devastatin'.
edit Mikey Welsh Corgi
Was Weezer's second bass player from 1998-2001. However, soon after getting rich, he began using drugs, the drugs caused him to have a nervous breakdown, and these breakdowns required to be breastfed and coddled by Megan Fox. The band felt this would be too expensive (because anything above $1 an hour was a lot back then, and hookers were illegal, except in Nevada). He decided to leave the band to save them money. "I don't think the band should have to buy a hooker just for me, and anything over $1 an hour was steep!" said Corgi. In 2011, He is now playing bass in Buddy Hollys band in heaven.
edit Jason Cropper
Original guitarist who quit the band before they hit the big time. Now he spends his time crying himself to sleep and talking to pigeons in the park.
edit Patrick Wilson
Weezer's drummer known for his calm surfer dude attitude, and loves hitting things with sticks, which would be known as his drums.
edit Karl Koch
Weezer's website admin, groupie, band bitch, and lover of fine wines.