YouTube
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“It is like writing history with lightning. And my only regret is that it is all so terribly retarded.”
~ Woodrow Wilson on Youtube
“Hey, I didn't say that.”
~ Woodrow Wilson on The above quote
“They said I couldn't witness the death of Hussein...then I met Youtube.”
~ George W. Bush on how youtube has helped in the past
YouTube is a popular free* porn video sharing web site which lets users upload, view, and share clips. Founded in February 2005 by Tom Sawyer, it was first called TomTube. The site claims to have a wide variety of content, including conspiracy theories, video game videos, AMV's, and fake celebrity sightings, as well as amateur content such as, Attack ot the Ninja Warrior part 1, and, you know, amateurs, doing coke, speed, Ecstasy and other various drugs which will help improve the quality of their lives... Or shitty actin/singing careers which they publicly broadcast to be overcome by vast amounts of shitty comments and chewed up arguements like whether or not grues can eat you.
Contents |
History
As mentioned before, YouTube was founded in 2000b.c. by Thomas Sawyer while doing your MOM. And your father. And your brother. And your pets. And anyone you know, love, care about, or exchange pleasantries with as you get the mail. I'm sorry to repeat myself, but it fit so well, if you know what I mean under, both "introduction" and "history".. and I just like to repeat myself cause Tom is a douche!
What I didn't tell you, though, is that this particular guy was in cahoots with John Mccain. Got your attention now, didn't I. Bin Laden, I mean Mccain, hired Tom in 2001 to create a site that would act as a forum for porno members to showcase anti-Obama videos and erotic propaganda. Unfortunetly, Mccain's disappearance, coupled with the posting of footage of a Basque separatist being hit square in the nuts with a turtle, led to a revolution in how the site was used. Osama's original idea for the site is now used on Pornotube. Later Youtube was used by Osama Bin-Ladin as a hangout whenever he felt like executing the inncoents. Two years later, Teddy Roosevelt put an end to this madness by kidnapping Osama'a mom. He later raped her and returned her to Bin Ladin. Due to these searies of events Osama planned a terrorist attack on the year of 2012.
The Formative Years
During the following years literally tens of people joined the Youfuck.com(excuse me youtube) online extravaganza. These original users, were primarily fuckers and dickholes ones of well known terrorists and tyrants such as Saddam Hussein, Pol Pot, Kim Jong-Ill, Marilyn Manson, and John Mccain. The real breakthrough moment came when John Craven's Newsround reported on the presence of a video that appeared to show Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt having babies. Although the video later turned out to be a fake (it was actually Angela Lansbury and Burt Bacharach) every single person in the world logged on, created an account and began posting videos of their own.
Birth of a Nation
The first video posted on YouTube that wasn't a clip from a retard named jawed or of someone's pathetic dancing was Birth of a Nation, which was posted on November 30, 2005. This clip featured innovations such as deep focus, the jump-cut, and facial close-ups, all of which had previously been lacking from YouTube's original creations. On the other hand, this clip was criticized for being horribly gay, although many critics note that this was the prevailing attitude of the times. This was hugely influential on subsequent videos for its technical innovations, if not for its gayness (although it did foreshadow the Censored Eleven and the Michael Richards gay rant.)
Meanwhile, literally tens of people were joining the YouTube.com online extravaganza. These original users were primarily friends and loved ones of well known terrorists and tyrants such as Saddam Hussein, Pol Pot, Kim Jong-Ill, and George W Bush.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Baby Video
The breakthrough moment in YouTube's popularity came when John Craven's Newsround reported on the presence of a video that appeared to show Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt having sex. Although the video later turned out to be fake shit. (it was actually Angela Lansbury and Burt Bacharach) every single person in the world logged on, created an account, and began posting videos of their own.
Hierarchy Scale of Well-Known YouTube Video Types
Videos That Everyone Loves/Hates
- Copyrighted Material (AKA Family Guy)
- Videos That Really Suck but are Created by Users Who Get Paid to Make Shitty Videos
- Videos Made by Paid Users Which Don't Suck
- Videos of People Talking on their Webcams
- Vidoes of People Doing Stupid (but awesome) Shit
- Videos of Funny/Cute Animals/Babies
- Music Videos
- Angry German Kid
- Song Covers
- Watching fat people lip sync.
- Videos of People Getting Really Hurt in Funny Ways, such as Ball-Kicking, Fat People Falling Off Of Chairs and Shit, Little Kids Falling Off Tricycles and Getting Hit With Shovels, and most importantly People Sculling Bottles of Diet Coke and then Scoffing Packets of Mentos.
- Barney Bunch Vids/Speakonia Vids
- Youtube Poop
Videos That Appeal to Niche Group
- Conspiracy Theory Videos
- Videos Of Users Who Are Actually Funny Yet Hated By Everyone for Mocking the YouTube Users Which Rank #2 on the Scale
- Ass Videos
- Anime/One Piece AMVs#
- Videos of Celebrities Doing Embarrassing Things
- Video Game Speed-Runs
- Porn
- Clips of Weird/Creepy Television Shows
- Videos of disco songs
Videos That Truly Suck
- Videos of 10-Year-Old Wiggers Acting Like Dumbasses
- Videos With Absolutelty No Entertainment/Educational Value or Merit
- KKK/Neo-Nazi/White Supremacist Videos
- Sonic Anime Porn Slideshows
- them tube's nemises
- Fred
Fred's reaction to his own videos.
- Transformers Armada AMV's with Linkin Park music
- Screamers
- Videos of sick people forcing random animals fight to the death (eg, mantis vs tarantula, gecko vs snapping turtle)
- Video's of peoples 'FC'ing Guitar Hero songs on expert difficulty(excepting drums)
- videos of Homosexual Satan Worshipeprs
Fantasia
Animation, of course, has always been successful on YouTube, but a turning point for the artform was Fantasia, a film with colors so beautiful it made dogs whimper. Film enthusiasts note that the clarity of the soundtrack is exceptional as well, although many viewers preferred syncing it up with Dark Side of the Moon. This clip was posted February 12, 2006.
Brokeback Mountain
A tender, though realistic, film of two lesbian ranchherds, Brokeback Mountain inspired more parodies than any other movie up to this time, which according to Simpsons fans is the primary measure of a film's greatness. This is also notable for being a sign of increasing tolerance for minorities (but see the next item). This notable increase in the love towards these minorities can be attributed to the fluffy nature of the herdes in the film, a la the sheep, these fluffy sheep while maybe not the softest are definitely the fluffiest of all God's craters.
Michael Richards Race Rant
Though many feel this film is tasteless in its racist depiction of African-Americans (citation needed), most film critics concede that this, too, is a masterpiece. Its use of repetition (i.e., "nigger, nigger, nigger!"), in particular, has crossed medium boundaries and has influenced songwriters such as Kurt Cobain (note his repetition of "yeah" in Lithium), Michael Stipe (note repetition of "yeah" in Man on the Moon), and Kurt Cobain (note repetition of "I'm a negative creep" in Negative Creep, and note that he has apparently been posthumously influenced.)
Rumors between Freemasons
There are rumors that secret porn club Freemasons purchased YouTube by $200 million in 1802. But the fact is still not clear, however YouTube's erotic propaganda seems to be in accordance with Freemasons policy. It also comprehensive with the rumors saying Google is a creation of Freemasons in 1789, by a Jewish nerd David Ben Gurion.
There are tons of videos trying to exposing what's the truth about this scandal, as much as "9/11 conspiracy" video.
2/22 Incident
On 2/22 of 2007, a communism partisan group has occupied YouTube headquarter in Kazakhstan. YouTube reconcilliated this incident with exchanging 22.2 million Pussycat Dolls videos with the partisan. After this incident, FBI has captured 22 members of communist party inside USA. FBI founds whole Pussy Cat Dolls videos and traces of masturbation inside their hideout, but the fact is still not clear.
Google Acquisition
Slowly slipping into unexpected bankruptcy, YouTube.com made a daring decision to buy out Google Videos, a popular, independent, and recently popularized video/blog/pr0n/chat conglomeration, for 900 Euros ($1.65 billion USD). By merging YouTube.com and Google Video™©, the damages caused by copyright violation doubled. Nevertheless, YouTube decided to host all three sites at the same time in order to create the dangerous Triumvirate of Copyright-Killers.
Present Day
An astonishing 99.93% of the 1 billion videos on YouTube.com remain unwatched, as 99.93% of those are just out-of-sync copies of rips of copies of rips. A vast majority of users choose only to watch fat kids lip synch to Eastern European pop songs. Pokemon movies are also very popular, especially crappy fan-made ones.
Searching for videos is temporarily unavailable. Luckily, or not, as the case may be, since the acquisition of Google Videos, it is now possible to search for anything on Google, with the majority of returned links being redirects to YouTube and Google.
After Saddam, Who's Next?
People gathered around their computers to watch the hanging of Saddam Hussein on YouTube. Pleased with the great increase of visits on YouTube, Eric Schmidt, father figure of Google and YouTube, stated, "We need to find a way to sustain the popularity of our website through more controversial material."
This may not be easy for Schmidt, says Serget Brin, Google's founder. "The only way to keep hits up would be to get another execution on the database."
The United States Army, along with Executive in Chief, President George W. Bush, see the imperative need to keep YouTube at the peak of its existence. "I'm gunna make sure that Osama Bin Laden is the next bad guy them Army guys git," says President Bush.
Rumor has it that bin Laden responded (with an English accent), "isn't it ironic that the United States wants to capture me to keep YouTube popular, when it was the very site I helped create? How ironic indeed..."
Pumped for the mission, many men in the army are excited to try to find Bin Laden. "I want to be part of finding Osama. I think it would be cool to have my name in the credits when they make a boxed set of executions," sayid Pete 'Big Dog' Jennings.
Bush comments, "The only thing standin' in our way is them Congresspersons. They won't fund no troops. But I'm not scurred. I'm sendin' three times the troops I first said. Keepin' YouTube on the top is my main focus now."
Dick Cheney has hired award-winning actor Samuel L. Jackson to film the executions of the newly discovered terrorists. "He does a good job shooting things in the movies," says Cheney, continuing with, "wah."
The Annoyance of Youtube
Many people feel the need to repeat everything they see on a video in the comment box [I.E. Rick JAMES BITCH HAHAH LMFAO LOL ROFL HAHA ... ECT] or when you watch a video of slutty whores dancing at parties called flyers all you see in the comments are low-life's who watch tha whole entire video that is like 10 minutes long and still critisize it for example: OMG.! iCAN DANCE BETTER THEN THOSE SLUTTY WHORES IN THEM SWAPMEET OUTSFITS L0L.!!/.... This sensation somehow makes them cool, and they hope that the stupid repeating of these lines will some how bring meaning to their sad pathetic lives. Being the "OMG first comment!" is also a comforting sensation to many users, and thanks to Youtube's lag time (soon to be updated for 24-hour lag), a great number of them can share this illusion.
Many people (mostly unemployed, just plain annoying, emo people) are beginning to be annoyed at the fact many users begin to upload fake videos of popular[citation needed] anime shows like "One Piece", "Naruto", and "Bleach". At first it was pretty damn obvious these videos were fake since a picture of a big purple surfing dinosaur while jamming out to the song "Everytime We Touch" has nothing to do with kids playing pirate. Despite the obviousness of being fake videos people continue to watch and comment on these videos, giving them "honors". The only thing more pathetic than waiting every week to watch a new episode of a predictable cartoon is tricking losers and getting their hopes up.
YouTube users must sign an agreement upon registering with the site that they will:
- Promise to leave helpful comments like this on every video you stumble upon: "Th|s iS a Tru Stori, A gurl Dide en I saw h3r, post 6 tiems or u dye too lOlLo i em noT evin KidDing"
- You must must must post a video or two(hundred) of yourself in front of your crappy webcam talking about "The recent downfall in asian themed uploads" -Kill yourself, I'm serious.
- You must find neat/interesting videos, rip them, then repost them under your name. <--important
- You must promise to post countless videos of yourself talking into a camera for 20 minutes. People give a shit. They really do.
A Guide to the YouTubian Language
The YouTubian language is unique and innovative. Here is a brief guide to help you understand this beautiful language.
- commentsplzthx - This roughly translates into English as "comments please, thanks". It is used to express the desire for comments. (e.g. narutard ep 5,000,000,000 (commentsplzthx))
- bg - This roughly translates into English as "background". (e.g. z0mgdzzzzzzzzzzzz i luvz ur bg!!111!11!1oneonetwo)
- first! - Used to denote that that user is the first person to leave a comment on a new video.
- mal, geber - This is a roughly Turkish word means "You Suck, Go die"
- ROFLLOLOMGLOLOLOL - This is to show that the person is laughing, but could also be a hint that the person is having a seizure.
A Bum Strapped to a Toaster being flown to the moon
- Phail, fail, or epic fail - Used to describe videos that suck. Usually written in comments.
- pl0x', plz or kokz- used to say please the 0 is meant to annoy the fuck outta you
Uses of YouTube
The medium of YouTube has yet to be fully realized, but early signs are promising. Here's a brief list of some of the ways people use YouTube:
- making elevator videos
- Posting movies of yourself being a wanker on guitar hero
- watching anime--When it comes down to it, there's no better place for watching Japanese animation, except Veoh. You name it, YouTube's got it.
- watching jailbait shake their butts to a hip-hop track.
- Linkin Park AMVs
- providing lessons on quantum populace through video blogs
- ending war in the Middle East
- feeding the hungry
- Glorifing Nazisim, Racisim, and most other outdated institusions and parties.
- aiding in police investigations
- Watching DBZ idiots talk shit to others for not watching the " Ultimate Anime!"
- Watching Naruto idiots acting like... idiots.
- providing mentally retarded video editors an outlet to dr Kingdom Hearts
- YouTube Poop - endless amounts of important information regarding the whereabouts of the enclosed instruction booklet, volcanicity, Rolf's giant wiener, PINGAS!, and Mama Luigi.
- JNNN TV Anda - claims to be the first online channel that acts like a TV channel, operating 24/7. Worst claim ever. Shows the lamest of the lame vids some guy made.
- Watching obscure disco videos that most of the general population doesn't give a shit about.
- Far too many Linkin Park AMVs
- Far too many AMVs in general
- Watching movies in ten minute segments
- Listening to Chocolate Rain
- Death to false metal, if you listen to false metal dee snider will hunt you in your dreams!
- watching videos of people bitching and complaining NOTE: The people complaining are usually fat or have no lives, much like the users in the Youtube community.
- Uploading videos of yourself lip syncing a song for the soul purpose of having derogatory comments made of you
- Watching Homosexual Videos By 17 y/o in their Garage
- watching the redneck rollercoaster
Abuses of YouTube
Many people feel the need to repeat everything they see on a video in the comment box [I.E. Rick JAMES BITCH HAHAH LMFAO LOL ROFL HAHA ... ECT] . This sensation somehow makes them cool, and they hope that the stupid repeating of these lines will some how bring meaning to their sad pathetic lives.
Users of Youtube also are largely ignorant, posting messages such as this:
- If you are or have read this comment then you are cursed for life. You will have a terrible life and never get married (if you are already married you will get divorced). Only way to undo this curse is if you comment 5 videos with this exact message.
Note, the follow is to cover the author's bases (just in case):
- If you are or have read this comment then you are cursed for life. You will have a terrible life and never get married (if you are already married you will get divorced). Only way to undo this curse is if you comment 5 videos with this exact message
If you are or have read this comment then you are cursed for life. You will have a terrible life and never get married (if you are already married you will get divorced). Only way to undo this curse is if you comment 5 videos with this exact message
- If you are or have read this comment then you are cursed for life. You will have a terrible life and never get married (if you are already married you will get divorced). Only way to undo this curse is if you comment 5 videos with this exact message
- If you are or have read this comment then you are cursed for life. You will have a terrible life and never get married (if you are already married you will get divorced). Only way to undo this curse is if you comment 5 videos with this exact message
Another example is:
- Ananı sikeyim orospu çocuğu! (which means "Give my most honest regards to your dear mother, my pal!" in Turkish)
I WANT U FOR SLANDER
See also urban legend.
Many people (mostly unemployed, just plain annoying, emo people) are beginning to be annoyed at the fact many users begin to upload fake videos of popular[citation needed] anime shows like "One Piece", "Naruto", and "Bleach". At first it was pretty damn obvious these videos were fake since a picture of a big purple surfing dinosaur while jamming out to the song "Everytime We Touch" has nothing to do with kids playing pirate. Despite the obviousness of being fake videos people continue to watch and comment on these videos, giving them "honors". The only thing more pathetic than waiting every week to watch a new episode of a predictable cartoon is tricking losers and getting their hopes up.
