Weasel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (Reverted edit(s) of 76.248.146.40 (talk) to last version by 87.127.77.214)
m (Reverted edit(s) of 168.254.225.250 (talk) to last version by SPIKE)
 
(20 intermediate revisions by 6 users not shown)
Line 11: Line 11:
   
 
According to our sources in 35 years a supreme weasel known as Lazer Weasel Prime is supposed to come to our dimension and reconstruct the [[world order]] or if we can find a way to stop just reconstruct your mother. Lazer Weasel Prime is the second most evil anomaly in the world other than [[asparagus]] the only way we know how to stop Lazer Weasel Prime is to destroy it with [[pancakes]].
 
According to our sources in 35 years a supreme weasel known as Lazer Weasel Prime is supposed to come to our dimension and reconstruct the [[world order]] or if we can find a way to stop just reconstruct your mother. Lazer Weasel Prime is the second most evil anomaly in the world other than [[asparagus]] the only way we know how to stop Lazer Weasel Prime is to destroy it with [[pancakes]].
----
 
   
 
==Identifying a Weasel, Weasel Identity==
 
==Identifying a Weasel, Weasel Identity==
Line 27: Line 26:
   
 
==Natural Habitat==
 
==Natural Habitat==
[[image:weasels.jpg|thumb|left|200px|<small>'''Weasels in their natural habitat - in waist-deep water attacking a half-nude little girl impersonator''</small>]]
+
[[image:Weasel01.jpg|thumb|left|200px|<small>''The face of drudgery.''</small>]]
 
Weasels are highly adaptable and suited to many environments, but prefer tubular spaces such as PVC tubing, bongs, car exhaust pipes and [[bottomless pit|bottomless pits]] to dwell in. Urbanized weasels have taken a liking for streetcorners in heavily travelled areas, where they get beat shitless by teens with baseball bats.
 
Weasels are highly adaptable and suited to many environments, but prefer tubular spaces such as PVC tubing, bongs, car exhaust pipes and [[bottomless pit|bottomless pits]] to dwell in. Urbanized weasels have taken a liking for streetcorners in heavily travelled areas, where they get beat shitless by teens with baseball bats.
   
Line 40: Line 39:
   
 
==The Combative Weasel==
 
==The Combative Weasel==
Weasels are timid and will normally run from humans,BUT SOMETIMES GET SEXUALLY AROUSED AND RAPE THEM
+
Weasels are timid and will normally run from humans, BUT SOMETIMES GET SEXUALLY AROUSED AND RAPE THEM, however, a cornered weasel will defend itself by shooting [[eye beams|laser beams]] out of its eyes, hence the term "Lazer Weasel" see top. If this tactic fails, some weasels<sup>[''[[Weasel word|which weasels?]]'']</sup> will go "Pop", although since this typically results in the weasel's death it will only use this defense as a last resort. Spyrogyra employ a similar mechanism - if one views spyrogyra under a microscope and agitates the slide, they pop. However, there is little evidence that spyrogyra and weasels are related, except possibly through marriage.
== but sometimes can get sexually aroused and rape them ==
 
, however a cornered weasel will defend itself by shooting [[eye beams|laser beams]] out of its eyes at you hense the term "Lazer Weasel" see top. If this tactic fails, some weasels<sup>[''[[Weasel word|which weasels?]]'']</sup> will go "Pop", although since this typically results in the weasel's death it will only use this defense as a last resort. Spyrogyra employ a similar mechanism - if one views spyrogyra under a microscope and agitates the slide, they pop. However, there is little evidence that spyrogyra and weasels are related, except possibly through marriage.
 
   
Even then, it should be remembered that weasels are generally known for their vicious tempers, and love for killing unnecessarily. Often proved when a lone weasel has [[decimal|decimated]] an entire chicken coop, eggs and all while only carrying off a single chicken for its midnight snack. Said chicken will have its blood drained, which makes weasels like vampires. They are devious beings capable of mastering a wide range of weapons from french bread to chainsaw guns, and even [[banana]]s. Weasels are also incredibly stealthy, and kill quickly and silently, which also makes them somewhat like ninjas. Thus we see that weasels are, in a sense, vampire ninjas. They will head for the jugular, throat, back of the neck, windpipe, toes, feet, legs, torso, arms, fingers, face, eyes, head, or [[naughty bits|reproductive organs]] at blinding speed, claws unsheathed, eyes glowing vivid red, and razor sharp saber-teeth out and ready to slice through steel. Just check out this guy. [http://www.metacafe.com/watch/204954/kamaitachi_devil_of_the_wind/]
+
Even then, it should be remembered that weasels are generally known for their vicious tempers and bloodlust. Often proved when a lone weasel has [[decimal|decimated]] an entire chicken coop, eggs and all while only carrying off a single chicken for its midnight snack. Said chicken will have its blood drained, which makes weasels similar to vampires. They are devious beings capable of mastering a wide range of weapons from french bread to chainsaw guns, and even [[banana]]s. Weasels are also incredibly stealthy, and kill quickly and silently, which makes them somewhat like ninjas. Thus we see that weasels are, in a sense, vampire-ninjas. They will head for the jugular, throat, back of the neck, windpipe, toes, feet, legs, torso, arms, fingers, face, eyes, head, or [[naughty bits|reproductive organs]] at blinding speed, claws unsheathed, eyes burning red, and razor sharp saber-teeth out and ready to slice through steel. Just check out this guy. [http://www.metacafe.com/watch/204954/kamaitachi_devil_of_the_wind/]
  +
  +
==But Can a Weasel Die?==
  +
The mortality of weasels has always been a matter of debate. It would stand to reason that a weasel, as with all other living things, would be subject to the menace of death, but researchers at [[Oxford University]] have failed to identify any incident in history of a weasel dying. The idea of "weasel immortality" has been furthered by controlled experiments exposing weasels to extreme conditions. In one study, both a weasel and an [[otter]] were subjected to temperatures of up to 1200° (can't remember if it was Celsius or Fahrenheit, but really hot all the same) inside pressure cookers for two hours. Upon completion of the experiment, the otter came out a bloody cesspool of mushy organs, but the weasel came out in-tact, smiling and performing the river-dance. In another notable case, a weasel was placed inside a [[BlendTec]] blender in "Will It Blend?", a popular [[YouTube]] series in which the BlendTec [[CEO]] demonstrates the effectiveness of his company's blender by attempting to blend objects seemingly impossible to do so. Despite turning the blender onto its highest setting, it erupted into a bright, billowing orange flame. Emerging from the flame was the weasel, unharmed but with fury in its beady eyes and brandishing its horrid claws. The CEO fled unharmed, but the company issued an [[apology]] for misrepresenting its "infallible" blender and subsequently filed for [[bankruptcy]]. We may never know for certain whether or not a weasel can be killed, much less die, but one thing is for certain--don't fuck with a weasel.
   
 
==Weasel Safety==
 
==Weasel Safety==
Weasels, as with [[otters]], love [[Skittles]]! If a weasel ever approaches you, offer it some Skittles--but if you don't have any, it's best to run. Don't bother playing dead, because weasels don't fall for that [[shit]]. Carry a flashlight too, so you can bop it on the head when it clings its little greedy, but ever-so-cute nasty claws on you. Whatever you do though, DO NOT blow on it's face. The Weasel Appropriations Act of 2009 (WAA-09) prohibits us from knowing why, but it's an awful thing, we know, to do so.
+
Weasels, as do [[otters]], love [[Skittles]]! If you happen upon a weasel, offer it some Skittles--but if you don't have any, it's best to just run. Don't bother playing dead, because weasels don't fall for that [[shit]]. Carry an ax as well, to sever its head as it clings its little greedy, but ever-so-cute claws on you. Whatever you do though, DO NOT blow on it's face. The Weasel Appropriations Act of 2009 (WAA-09) prohibits us from knowing why, but it's strictly forbidden.
   
 
'''Something you might already know:'''
 
'''Something you might already know:'''

Latest revision as of 14:54, January 9, 2015

Personal tools
projects