Weapon
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“I know not the weapons that will be used in WWIII. But WWIV will be fought with words, dicks and ballsacks not being available.”
~ Albert Einstein on weapons
Weapon is anything that can be used for amusement... Weapons are generally used to expedite otherwise intractable arguments. Weapons have been hailed as the most efficient time savers available to all mankind.
In the year 2005 alone, it is estimated that use of weapons saved over $600 billion dollars in productivity by eliminating unnecessary debate, inarticulate ideas, purposeless banter, political waste and needless religious dialogue. Countless people (primarily rednecks) use weapons as a cure for boredom.
Also, the weapon producing industry generates nearly 3 quadrillion dollars a year.
So, in 2005, the world saved and made a combined sexual tourism funds thanks to weapons.
Weapons save an estimated 175 Million lives a year.
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[edit] Origin of Weapons
For centuries man had been fighting amongst them self’s, with nothing more than their fists and REALLY bad words. This of course was very bad for business (cemetery owner), as it takes a very long time for people to die of natural causes. And punching and kicking with out shoes, takes a really long time to kill. At first they tried to fix this problem by inventing smoking, although thought to a deadly carcinogen. It turned out smoking only deletes 7 minutes to you life, 69 after having sex. After there plan of killing with smoking failed, they saw a vision in the sky that foresaw the coming of a great prophet. The man with no chin...
...Then came Chuck Norris, of the NRA. By his teaching, man learned the ways of redneck fu. With this new knowledge, man could kill 123456789% more efficiently. The first weapons of course, were bananas. From this base all modern super weapons from the orgasm gun, to ninja assault nuns, were developed.
[edit] Evolution of Weapons
By the rise of the Egyptians, people decided there were better things to beat each other with than sticks. Some more advanced civilizations began using things such as chainsaws and high powered rifles to ice any mother fucker dumb enough to go to war with them. This is what the movie scarface was modled after "say hello to my little friend", just in egypt. Then along came the Greeks. The Greeks realised that if you quit beating people, and started using sharp edges to gouge them, they died even faster!! Archimedes is generally credited with crediting the first edged weapon, the butter knife. Rapid improvements came along, and Greek armies began stabbing people left and right.
Until the Romans stabbed the Greeks, and the Greeks became far more interested in pederasty.
Oh Shnap.
The Chinese added further innovations, like off-key singing and the death of 1000 cuts. Soon, armies were riding on horses and stabbing people, which is funny as shit to watch, because it really sucks to take a spear to the chest when the spear is backed by an 2000 pound animal running full sprint and spitting snot everywhere. Also during this time, the long bow was introduced, creating the pleasure of destroying your target from a distance of apprx. 200 yds.
[edit] Weapons during the Middle Ages
By the Middle Ages, English knights dashed about the realms of the world stabbing people all the time, often just because it's funny to stab people.
Many commoners got deeply pissed about all the unnecessary stabbing. They decided to find a way to stab back. But, they were really poor, and therefore were in the habit of taking all their metal weapons to the recycling center for cash.
Robin Hood appeared, and told them how to make arrows. The arrows totally kicked ass, and the commoners butchered the knights.
[edit] Weapons during the Enlightenment
The knights weren't too happy about all the dying with arrows in their chests. A collapsed lung is a bad way to die, for sure. Can't blame 'em, right?
The Knights embarked on a noble journy to find Merlin. After extorting, pillaging, raping, and persecuting their way through several countries, they found him and decreed that unless he helped them, they would rape everyone he knew and burn him as a Heretic. Needless to say, he agreed and provided them with gunpowder weapons. The Knights found the smell of the powder offensive, however, and decided to force the commoners still under their control to operate them. This has been hailed as the second most idiotic decision ever made by self-righteous inbreds in the history of the world. The peasant masses blew the Knights away as fast as they laid hands on the guns, thus ending the medieval period.
[edit] Weapons since Gunpowder
Lasers, needless to say, made weapons totally totally totally vagina totally awesome!!!! Bitches are cool too. But they look a bit girly. Now, people shoot each other and zap shit up left and right.
Arguments have become so efficient that most people have lost the faculty of speech. Most wars are declared by IMing the other country and then zapping them in the head a quarter second later. DONT CUS!
[edit] Weapons in the Future
There may be no so called weapons in the future. The government plans to blank all of our memories and remove them all in one crazy weekend except for mine. Also in this weekend George W. Bush shall eat 26 Bananas and claim to be a monkey which we all know is true anyway. They will be replaced by weapons that are in built into every childs' shoulder and only fire when somone is truly mean. This is a main part of Plan for world peace and is forecast to raise general happiness levels by 6.2% by 3012.
In addition, the People's Liberation Army has also been rumoured to be preparing a new weapon of mass distraction in anticipation of a full-scale invasion of Russia, Europe and North America. The new weapon is expected to
- disrupt Western and Russian forces by acting as a wide-ranged anti-personnel weapon of mass disablement;
- spread Communist propaganda and sermons of the good news on the benefits of occupation and englightened despotism; and
- lastly, as a device of torture by assaulting people who have good tastes and are seen by Beijing as being decadent counter-revolutionary feudal liberal conservative capitalist Fascist gweilo exploiters of the Third World.
The weaponisation programme being run by the Chinese is (im)probably known as the Cantopop-gun Project.
[edit] The True Story of Weapons
Beginning in approximately 100000030 B.C., weapons began with the nuclear cruise missile. Early Mesopotamians, understanding the primitiveness of the N.C.M., improved on it to create the awesome ROCK. Thrown at a high enough velocity, they could cause severe damage to the head if aimed correctly. More improvements led to the spear, which could be thrown more accurately, as well as serving as a useful phallic image for those perverted cavemen. Eventually, the Chinese evolved and made gunpowder for fireworks. Europeans, realizing the sissyness of fireworks, created the gun, then the sniper rifle, then the machine gun. Then they finally made a full automatic cherry scented assault pistol rifle with laser scope that also shoots grenades. It has been hailed as a life saver, as people no longer mess about with pathetic knives and whatnot. But anyways, sniper rifles are so awesome not as awesome as swords, but still pretty damn awesome. Then of course, Gwen Stefani started making music, and mass murder was introduced.
