You mean the world to us here at buyyourstuffwithoutgettingoffyourfatlazyass.co.uk. You are one of our most valued customers! Not that we don't love all of our customers equally with all of our heart and soul, but you in particular mean a lot to us.
To show just how much you mean to us we've raided through, not only your recent purchases from our site, but you from every other site too, any other credit card transactions you've made in the past ten years, your entire internet history and your bins to come up with a personal and unique selection of items, tailored especially to your interests and peculiar tastes that we think you may enjoy!.
Terrestrial real-estate is going up fast now-a-days, why not get in there first and buy up a square mile of the giant rock Pluto? Sure you won't be able to access it yourself but you'll ensure your great grandchildren at least have a patch of land to call their own instead of standing on a carpet of Catholics like everyone else in 2100.
You can't sleep, we know this because of the time of most of your purchases and so we suggest Steven's account of insomnia for you to read (as you wank entirely too much).
Dr Who box sets are half price! We remember you used to watch them as a kid why not bring back some of those memories and share them with your children?
Because we know you like wasting your time (how long was it you stalked your first ex-girl friend? Six years?) We suggest you buy and install this Washing Machine Toilet Thing!
Dick Pants. We suggest these because we know about the condom bursting and that having sex with a pregnant lady is sinful. So these are for when she eventually gives into your protests. She won't think you gay. No need to worry!
Sure we know it's only March but these days you need to get Christmas done early otherwise you miss out! We've compiled a selection of items we think your friends and family will enjoy. And it doesn't have to be for Christmas you know! We were just suggesting that you get it out of the way early so you don't have it hanging over your head when you could be partying! We're just doing what any best friend would.
Seen as how we are your best friend we thought we get to know your mother. She's a lovely lady, really man, you're lucky to have her as a mum. Anyway after we had tea together and organised your upcoming birthday (it's gonna be a belter we promise!) we left and compiled a list of things we think your mum would like for her Christmas or birthday.
A Gordon Ramsey. All mothers want a Gordon Ramsey so we made an arrangement with him to hire him out for a day. Just £350 (per hour). Warning fully booked until the year 3000, may be dead on arrival
All women over 50 love bingo. This is a fact not peculiar to your mother. So we though you may want to throw her an Extreme Bingo party!
What worse way is there to say "I love you mum" than packing her off to a hut beside a lake? This is why we suggest you pack her off to this luxurious place in ScotlandA place at a retirement home is perfect for any occasion!We know you tried to kill her when you were ten...
We also met up with your wife for coffee (It's part of the birthday bash planning, really we can't wait to see your face!). After we had a chat and sorted out some more of the details, we decided to compile another selection for her too! Because we know it's hard to shop for the ones you love!
All pregnat ladies are against noise So we suggest this lovely Ball Gag for her Christmas. This is a highly versatile present allowing her to shut you up and turn you on. (also comes in child sizes).
Yeah, we're guessing it'll be about time you replaced her wedding ring again. I mean you've pawned, lost or eaten at least three others. Make sure she has one for when the in-laws are staying. In fact we have a two for three offer going at the moment!
We know you can't afford another kid (we've seen your bank account) so why not get her a back street abortion!? A small investment will save you loads in the long run!
Whilst we were at coffee with Fiona we also got to know your kids too! We aren't inviting them for reasons that'll become apparent later. They're beautiful kids too you should count yourself lucky!
We know it's hard to shop for boys especially at that age but you can hardly go wrong with guns. We recommend a compact porcelain hand gun for when he starts school.
We know it's hard to shop for girls especially at that age but you can hardly go wrong with guns. We recommend a compact porcelain hand gun for when she starts school.
The Dog Dies at the End is a heart warming family film that children always, always love but it will probably have special relevance to your children since you killed their old dog with that brick when you were mad.
Yes we also know all about that 15 year old boy your seeing. Don't worry Anything we find out about you is completely confidential unless it breaks laws. We didn't talk to him though, that would have been awkward and from what we know he's a little unstable but he might like...
As ever the cliché is perpetuated. For your extra marital fun you can hardly go wrong with a good old fashioned Boy Band CD.
Everyone loves a good porno, but here we have special porn that actually has a plot! Goldilocks and the Three Bears will be perfect to watch with your lover on boxing day when you got "called into work"
Riddled With Father Issues Is a book by A 15 year old boy who left home, got himself into drugs and prostitution before being "taken under the wing of" an older man who helped him come out of himself and get clean. We think that your bit on the side may see himself in this.
We love you as an individual! To us you are not just a number in a computer locked in a basement that nobody bothers to clean. To us you are a man with your own agenda, your own thoughts, feelings and string of illicit acts. You are our best friend. But for a cost of no more than £400 (a month) you could be our Super Best Friend! Or, for an extra £100 pounds on top of that, (plus VAT) you could be our Bestest Super Best friend! Sign up today!