Watford Football Club

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The crest of Watford Football Club. Note the Moose as the crest, signifying "specialness"

Watford Football Club, is a large, famous club situated in the mighty footballing province of Hertfordshire. Watford are known for the incredibly unique and ultimately effective style of football they play, their yellow kit and Moose crested badge.

Nickname

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Watford Football Club.

Watford's nickname is The Horny Hornets, as they like to sting all they play against in their most private areas.

The greatest fan of Watford FC is the world famous Elton John.

Watford have a fantastic history including a meteoric rise from the old 4th division play to the old 1st division and finished a disappointing 2nd in their first season.

After various humiliating spells in the premiership they are currently favourites to not win the championship in 2008/09 season as they never win anything because they are bloody shit.

Stadium

Watford play in the banged up Vicarage Road Stadium. The stadium has recently been half-redeveloped but still smells of piss and chavs. "Our ground does not smell of piss" commented one of the many scruffy and smelly Watford fans that we found on the street.

The summer of 2008 saw the closure of the East Stand, a structure built out of rust and rotten wood by Polish slave workers brought into the area at the end of the First World War. A new stand is planned and club chairman Graham Simpson has installed a special fence in his garden to keep the clubs savings for this stand safe until work can commence.

Building work is currently ongoing (2008) at building council flats for nurses behind the home 'Allotment' stand. There were initially fears that the noise from home fans celebrating goals would affect the nurses sleep, such fears have since proved unfounded as the chance of there being any sort of noise from the fucktards that support these clowns is zero. This leads to a fantastic benefit of pulling a nurse in a sweaty club on a Friday night and going back to hers for 'some treatment' only to stumble out the flat and straight on an allotment before the game.

Watford Fc's wage budget is at a record high. The players are now allowed one whole packet of hula hoops a week, and an orange flavoured lollypop should any of them score a goal. HAH! Such is the dizzying highs Watford have achieved many players have found themselves 'not worthy' of playing for such an esteemed club and have therefore gone back to the sunday morning jobs... Milkmen!

Manager

Bye Bye Aidy. The club reached an agreement with Aidy that he will now "Fuck off back to where you came from" (i.e nowhere) Since leaving Watford Boothroyd's name has been wanted by many top class teams, like Huddersfield. Oddly though, he has taken to charity work, he now volunteers taking useless, blind, clumsy animals out on daytrips, sadly, all too often the Watford back 4 don't want to go...

Malky is our new leader now. Luckily, a magic crystal ball has fortold that he will take Watford back to the promised land of the Premiership, however it should be noted that this same crystal ball has, in the past, shown the safe arrival of SS Titanic to New York.

Nevermind, I hear they're naming the Bluesquare Premier to the Pasta Hut superwooosh 360. Classy.

Hoofball

Watford play hoofball, a mixture of football, rugby and Wrestling.

In the 2007-2008 season, the 'hoofball' technique hit it's prime as Adrian Who? managed to guide his side from top of the Championship in the Autumn/Winter to sixth place by May. Watford achieved this by a goal's difference to seventh placed Wolverhampton Wanderers, thanks to an opening day occurrence in which Wanderers' striker Jay Bothroyd extravagantly attempted to catch Jordan Stewart's free-kick between his buttocks, deflecting it past Wayne 'clearasil ultra' Hennessy. Such Stewart-induced phenomena were witnessed throughout the season - most notably in the 2-0 home defeat to Crystal Palace, in which Stewart's legs began to melt as a result of the overuse of his stationary stepover dance routine.

Despite many calls for the managers head, testicles, arms and anything the mob could get their grubby little mitts on, owner and chairman Graham Simpson kept the club in Adrian Who's? hands and they faltered magnificently 6-1 on aggregate to Hell City AFC in the Play Offs.

Hoofball has been widely condemned by anyone who knows anything about football though Big fat round bastard Sam Allardyce did succeed with Longball Wanderers for a few season before taking over the Magpies. Dave 'Why does everyone call me Harry?' Bassett also employed this style of football at Wimbledon franchise F.C and every other club he's taken the reins of, (unsuccessfully).

History

Watford's history is a long and, for the most part, depressing one. Founded in the late 16th century (the exact date has been lost in the Mists of Time) as a Tiddlywinks club, Watford were one of England's first football clubs, and attracted a total of 37 fans to their first 129 league matches. Their first goal came in 1858, when an opposition player dribbled the ball into his own net, and a plaque commemorating this event was eaten by a deranged fan after Watford lost their 2000th consecutive match in 2004. The only other event of note was when Watford were mistakenly promoted to England's Premier League in 1999, after a curious incident involving Adrian Who?'s 19 year old daughter and the Football Association's President, which to this day has never been fully investigated.

Following their improbable promotion to the top flight in 1999, the devoted - and, for the most part, insane - watford fans hoped for nothing more than exactly what happened, which was immediate relegation. Many fans were delighted with the club's unprecedented failure during their Premier League campaign, deeming it a chance to fail, at last, on a "nationally recognised stage". Indeed, manager Adrian Who? attracted nationwide condemnation for his controversial plan to "permanently end the careers of as many premiership players as humanly possible in a season", but insisted on carrying it out, finally agreeing to abandon his plan to equip his entire squad with loaded rifles before the start of each game. Thankfully for all concerned, the club spent just one season in the top league before being dumped unceremoniously back into the Coca-Cola League for Jobless Misfits.

Watford had to wait just 7 seasons before they were back in the big league once again, becoming the unlucky victims of a harsh campaign to reduce the members of the now hugely-popular League for Jobless Misfits. This campaign culminated in the booting-out of three clubs by the drawing of straws, of which Adrian Who? drew the shortest. The club were accepted with surprisingly little protest by the Premier League, amid rumors of a shortage of "whipping boys" for the other teams to thrash. Thus Watford Football Club returned to the Premier League ready for the 2006/07 season, financially bankrupt and emotionally unstable, as they had always been. watford are now fucking shit the new mager is some shitty northen irish twat and he dont know what hes doing bring back aidy and all the players

Rivalry

Watford still mantain a local derby with those of Luton Town, a bunch who like to wear nike tracksuits and say "Fact" after every sentence. 2002 saw some of the worst fighting between the two sets of supporters as a small contingent of Luton fans ran across the pitch at the Junior Hornets sitting in the rous stand. Watford fans retaliated and fighting continued until two policemen came on the pitch and the "Lutonians" scarpered. Since then the two sides have only met in the 2005/2006 season where Watford won and drew against the scum from up the m1. Nowadays it seems rare that the two teams will meet as Watford are still an established Championship club where as Luton are now struggling in the Conference.


Harsh Words

Legendary Football Manager Anthony Staltari enjoyed a very brief and frustrating tenure at the club. He was plagued with a “pathetic’ team as he described it, who had no chance of staying up. The defence came in for most of the criticism especially Daniel Shittu who Staltari described as “plays exactly like his name”. Even defensive reinforcements of tough tackling Czech Tomas Repka did little to shore up the leaky back line. With only 8 points from 8 games Staltari walked out on Watford claiming “this is a typical David and goliath affair, except with Watford, David cannot do shit”. This came as no surprise to Watford supporters who agreed with Staltari regarding the sheer crapness of the ‘Hornets’. It is widely rumored a man called ‘Creazzo’ would take the vacant position left by Staltari. It is claimed that Creazzo loves to be thrown from coach’s boxes across England as a form of enjoyment. Yet when trying to contact Creazzo about the alleged rumors he simply winked and said, “You know what to do”.

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