Watford

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Watford is a horrid town situated on the edge of Hertfordshire, much to the chagrin of the rest of it. Being a satellite town of London, Watfords inhabitants suffer from London envy as evident in the locals odd attempts to be all mockeny and talking about the big smoke as if it somehow makes them part of it. Watford is permanently under threat from the omnipotent arms of London, who have been attempting to engulf the entire country into its administrative area for many years. As far as one can tell the London take-over seems to consist largely of a few TFL buses that go past some stupid pyramid shaped building, a Wensels and a Greggs, and an Overground link from Watford Junction. During the 1970s Barnet, a recent casualty of the London expansionist policy, secretly sent its entire population of women and children to Watford for safe keeping, while the men of Barnet attempted to fight off the influx of London business cunts who were slowly infiltrating the historic Barnet property market. Unfortunately the London business cunts won, and as such Barnet is now awash with a mixture of peasants and financial advisers.

The good men and women of Watford now fear the same fate will befall them, and as such they are desperately trying, and largely succeeding, to make the town look as hideous as possible so that any possible London business cunts pass through to Milkman Keynes.

edit Industry

One of many pointless provincial towns, Watford has no industry. As much as the residents would like you to believe it has a film industry, it doesn't, thats based up the road in Borehamwood, and Elstree. Harry Potter buses can often be seen loitering outside Watford Junction ready to take people away to Leavesden, which while close, isn't Watford either. However, Watford is used as a filming location by many UK TV shows that needs somewhere looking a bit run down and vaguely depressing but can't be arsed to get the permits required to film in central London. Recent examples of this are the BBC Three show Cuckoo, that filmed inside a nightclub in Watford, and, also from BBC Three, Lee Nelsons Well Funny People, which seemed to only show Watfords lapdancing club "Beavers" and even then for only a few seconds. If you spotted that then YOU are probably a bit pervy. YOU, not me. Especially if you live over 150 miles away.

CharterPlaceWatford

Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Note: All Watford virgins standing in centre of frame.

The Harlequin centre is the only landmark in the area, and provides well over 95% of all Watford jobs. A great retail centre, Watford has a wide variety of shops from which the population of both Watford and other towns can buy objects to make their life slightly less miserable. Watford's tolerance of 'outside' consumers has led to it being credited as the the epicentre of globalisation, as hitherto Watford's epiphany during the 1980s trade was allowed only within town walls. Incidentally, the Harlequin Centre, and its dilapidated predecessor next door, Charter Place, were used as filming locations for the film Kevin and Perry Go Large, specifically the infamous "Virgin! Virgin! Virgin" scene. Which was an odd choice given the inexplicably large amount of teenage mums pushing prams around; finding a virgin in Watford is mathematically impossible.

edit Grand Union Canal

Watford's main tourist attraction is the Grand Union Canal. Its meandering through Cassiobury Park allows an unrivalled, up close glimpse at the majestic, historic waterway. Nets and large magnets are available (for a small charge) so that tourists can retrieve a souvenir from the Canal. Many people come away with souvenirs ranging from ha'pennies, used condoms, empty fag packets, dairy milk wrappers and moss to shopping trolleys, scrap iron and dead fish. Local legend has it that one lucky punter retrieved an entire three-piece suite, which he sold to Watford Football Club for use in their executive boxes.

Every year on the 6th of April, the 'Great Recovery' occurs in Cassiobury Park, where a large proportion of the town gathers to scour the Canal for any useful items which have been thrown away by the relative aristocracy upstream in Oxford. In an act of great communal altruism, useful items are all donated to the Council, who are able to recycle them for use elsewhere in the community. Some of the many success stories of the 'Great Recovery' include the bizarre hornet statue outside McDonalds, Watford General's annual supply of medical syringes and Watford Football Club's supply of match balls.

David Cameron has applauded Watford's approach, recently telling the Commons that Watford is a 'shining light' to those Councils who laze about, like the corrupt bastards in Smoke-on-Trent waiting for the government to provide them with money. On the basis of Watford's recycling success, David Cameron is soon to pass a bill removing government funding for the supply of medical syringes, and will concurrently pass a bill requiring all Councils to recover syringes from local waterways.

edit Surrounding Areas

Watford is surrounded by similarly wonderful towns. Hemel Hempstead for example is world-famous for having the least number of jobs per household in Western Europe. Taking Watford's example to its natural conclusion, Dacorum Borough Council builds, on average, 300,000 houses per annum in its administrative area, usually over previous areas of employment, green belt land and agricultural land. As such, Hemel Hempstead has the remarkable job creation level of 0.02% per annum, while population is increasing by, on average, 480% per annum. Such visionary thought has again been applauded by the government, who last year awarded the Mayor of Hemel Hempstead the Victoria Cross, as Hemel Hempstead beat the government housing target for the year 2010 by a remarkable 2600%.

St Albans is another major town which is nearby. St Albans is full to the brim with self-important London business cunts - mentioned hitherto - and as such the narrow streets are packed with large Audis and Range Rovers, who will not at any point give way to you if there is an obstacle on their side of the road. The only other occupants of St Albans are the offspring of London Business cunts, who usually comprise of screeching, slutty posh girls dressed in daft colours and poncy, aviator-wearing posh blokes who spend half their time in Topman and the other half looking in the mirror. This is reflected in the fact that St Albans has a direct train line to Brighton, so that poncy St Albans Topshoppers can meet fellow poncy Topshoppers on the South Coast.

edit Watford Football Club

Watford Football Club is a middling football club with a three sided ground, lacking in funding to the extent that the pitch at Vicarage Road resembles a ploughed field. Previously an international football powerhouse, Watford FC has suffered from a series of events which have led to its decline from the international footballing scene. The most notable of these events was the lesser known Watford FC Potato Famine of 2006 where the potatoes grown on the Vicarage Road pitch during close season failed. With crowds that season dwindling to 31 depressed single fathers, the income lost from the annual potato harvest forced the club to sell its star player James Chambers to Doncaster Rovers. Unable to cope with the loss of such a mercurial talent, Watford slumped to a record breaking season of 0 points, saved from relegation only through the points deductions given to several teams by Paul Ince for their lack of black managers.

edit The Pozzo Revolution of 2012

In the summer of 2012, some people from a strange land took over Watford Football Club. Unknown to many of the citizens of Watford. This takeover has been extended to the entire town. Because of this takeover, Watford has been a dramatic rise in Visitors from abroad, leading to much anger from other cities, who believe that these Visitors are destroying the heart and soul of England. The borders of Watford were closed in 2013, but only the exits to Watford were closed, so the Visitors decided to stay permanently.

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