Watership Down

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Watership Down was a book written by Richard Adams. It was a brave stab at creating a humourous story about rabbits. It was later made into a popular film, which Adams infamously disowned as it was, in his words, "too pornographic."

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edit Plot

After his companion Tenner starts receiving doom-laden visions of their warren being buried by stale cakes, Poison Ivy decides to rally his friends and leave their home before it is too late. However, because they all suffer a serious genetic complaint, they do not make it far before they hilariously all start rolling around, dribbling and making guttural noises. Several more slapstick situations occur, mainly centred around Blackberry's inability to stop hitting himself, before the fun is curtailed by the appearance of a large, hungry fox.

edit Film

Allegedly deciding that the book was too soft and childish, film director Jerry Bruckheimer inserted several intense shoot-outs and a harrowing ending. That finale incorporated a Hitlerian fox, and revealed the rabbits to be hidden Jews, whose "burrow" was disclosed to the Herr Hassenpfeffer for a small reward by a Lithuanian farmer. The rabbits were gassed onsite; the farmer received permission to plow under the field and erect a profitable crematorium. This children's classic was thus transformed into a timeless tale of horror, depravity, and vicious venality. The BBC runs it over and over and over again at Christmas time, where it has been re-titled: "It's a Hun-derful Life."

edit Lagomorph Mongoloid Syndrome

Published in 2003, a veterinary report by Dr. Fuckalugge from the University of Your Mum, Uzerbahhakhedjihad described a genetic retardation in rabbits that was named 'watership downs syndrome' the name was changed to 'Lagomorph Mongoloid Syndrome' (LMS) when Jerry Bruckheimer complained that Dr. Fuckalugge was "totally rippin' on moi skillage film, innit?" Now follows an extract from Fuckaugge's paper on LMS.

"The rabbit was clearly in some discomfort. It repeatedly made strange uuuunngeee!!! noises, wrinkling it's eyes up making facial expressions similar to that of an orang-utans. It then did a backflip and calmly stated that it wished it was a punk rocker with flowers in it's hair. Apparently, 'it was born to late into a world that doesn't care, oh it wished it were a punk rocker with flowers in it's Hair. When the head of state didn't play guitar,' it continued, 'not everybody drove a car when music really mattered and when radio as king, when accountants didn't have control and the media couldn't buy your soul and computers were sill scary and we didn't know everything.' The rabbit was then joined by another who began to eat it's own fur, masturbate openly and then began to flail around, screeching 'Wicked, wicked. Jungleist massive. Wicked, Wicked, jungleist massive.' The disagreement between song genres soon descended into an all-out tiff, then an argument, then a row before the two rabbits began fighting; the second rabbit with a knuckleduster, the first rabbit with flowers in it's hair. The rabbits were separated with a stick and told to behave. One did, the other one was shot and fed to a burmese python with autism. The python wasn't sure how to say thankyou and wondered why it had no friends. True story."

edit Characters

The main characters from WD, in case you weren't paying attention to what was said before, are retarded paranoid rabbits who think every other animal will try to kill them and that can only count till four. Its perhaps not surprising that they all die at any point in the story.

  • Fiver: The character responsible for this whole shit, he is a clever, manipulative and psychopathic bunny who convinced the other rabbits to leave their warren to go to a "better place". His actual intentions was to have everyone killed while searching for such place, a plan that was almost successful had the rabbits not found Watership Down. He has false visions who help him achieve his murderous goals, until they backfire when he is fooled by himself and falls off the down in the end.
  • Hazel: Fiver's stupid, naïve and gullible older brother who always believes in what his beloved little brother says, even if he says a flock of seagulls is flying in the sky. He is the leader of the warren (since all other rabbits are much more stupid than he is), or so he was through most of the novel until Fiver convinces him to kill himself after failing to kill everyone else. He later joins El-ariallah (see below) as one of his sex toys in the rabbit hell.
  • Bigwig: Formerly a guard, he went from a respectable and important rabbit to a lower degraded insanely retarded member of the gang. In the tv series he looks like a lion, whereas in the original material he has a tuft of hair in the head.
  • Kehaar: A pathetic whorish bird who follows the rabbits in the hope of feeding on their rooting corpses. Poor idiot didn't know the bunnies became carnivores...
  • General Woundwort: The villain, he is the ruler of Efrafa, a brothel rival to Watership Down. He constantly rapes the rabbits that try to escape his prison, and ultimately fails because the rabbits from WD managed to steal his money makers. No longer capable of being a pimp, he became an alcoholic and fox food.
  • Blackberry: The most intelligent character on this shit, but really that isn't saying much. He went through a sex change in the tv series because gay rabbits are sent to Inlé, and the poor ignorant rabbit who he has a relationship with (Campion) doesn't even know that his "girlfriend" was once a guy! Probably for the better, as if that was revealed to Campion Blackberry would have to become a male again to please his fiancé.
  • El-ariallah: A story tale character that absolutely doesn't exist and its all a farce created by the rabbit church to have plenty of money. He was the first bunny created by Da Frith, a drug addicted deity (aka God) who lacks imagination for creating such an useless race such as rabbits.
  • The Black Rabbit of Inlé: Hades's bunny who got stuck in WD to kill mortal rabbits
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