Waterford

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Waterford, or the Deise, is a squirrel strong hold in the nether regions of Ireland

[edit] The Beautiful County of Beautiful Bounty

It is famous for its long golden beaches and transparent crystal watches. Jesus spent much of his wild years in Waterford was a fragile dwarf colony and it is there that he invented his patented healing tecnique on an unfortunate syphilis victim. it is still thriving with sailor and political custom almost two thousand years later as a result of the publicity the son of God created. As a result Waterford is also thriving. Famous for a completely corrupt police force, the drug squad are habitually fired to joyous celibrations in the People's Park. Of course they are always rehired on a technicality to hideous shudders from the thriving Buckfast community living in Waterford's squats. If you ever go to Waterford be sure to be kind to screaming winos or else the otherwise friendly Waterfordonians will run long tendrils into every oriface and blast you full of their digestive juices, before carting you off to the hive centre known as Waterpark. It is not know what happens here.

[edit] The ongoing tribe wars

Since the county was created by the vikings when in need of a place to drop the anchor for a few hours and trade rubys for alcohol (hence the nightclub name), there has been ongoing war of words and sometimes hurley bats between them and their hat "Kilkenny". It is not known who started the war (but probably kilkenny) but it has raged for years with Waterfordites claiming that "dem black and amber shower of ****s keep cumin ovar the bridge boye. makin traffic, takin jobs and puttin hassle on our hooer's!!" the claim does have some foundation with recent studys done at 8.45 am on average monday mornings showing some 90% of kilkennys population migrating south the other 10% remaining to milk cattle and throw turf (and stave off depression by hurling training). The war will probably never be settled (as with many of the great ones) but when it reaches its most physical form in the shape of a hurley-bat contest the outcome has usually been one sided with Kilkenny claiming this to be the ultimate proof that they are better in every way (in reality only in hurley-bat terms). Waterfordos will still respond with the generic response given to them of "sur didnt we bate ya's in the leage foinal der a few years ago buoy!"

The war rages on....

[edit] Interesting Facts

• Waterford famously exports its breakable glass, fun for all the family.
• Cheese reigns supreme in The Deise. You don't fuck with the Kilmeadan.
• Robots are set to replace all children by 1997.
• Cats are for eating, dogs are for fishing.
• The average Waterfordian IQ is 576
• In Waterford, nobody can hear you scream.
• Waterford has a sister in St. John's, Canada
• Waterford runs on a 6 day week as most people sleep through Funday.
• People from Waterford do not believe in the colour yellow.
• The abbreviation of the name of the local college in Waterford (WIT) actually stands for Werewolf Interpretation Theory
• Boris The Clown lived in Waterford for 8 months
• The "Blaa" is the staple diet of Waterfordians
• Studies have shown that Waterford people have the most contempt for their neighbours, moreso then any other county in Ireland,

the reason for this has been mainly attributed to the "shower of fools" surrounding them. (see kilkenny, cork, tipperary and wexford)

• the current population of Waterford cannot be calculated correctly as most Waterforianonians sleep most times of the day and night emerging only for a few hours at a time to visit "rooobies" or other such watering holes in the locale, therefore no accurate census has been taken in recent times. The last random headcount by the king of the dunmore road region Martin Cullen had it at around 70 million "give or take a few zeros" in his own words

[edit] Famous Children

• Waterford's most famous son is Oscar Wilde. He added the beautifully defining "e" shortly before leaving his homestead. This was in homage to his party people in the metroland. Of them he said "I dunno bouy, I am lost for words".

• Chris "cant take a joke" Doran......well known for deleting entries about him on joke sites such as this..although dont expect to be reading this part because him or his library card holding pikey friends may decide this isnt fit for public viewing and have it removed...oh you computer savvy hounds...also he wears fake tan and doesnt sell many records...well maybe he does in eastern europe i dont know

• John "ill play" O'Shea our main current soccer export whos is a self proclaimed "straight man" known for his versatility in the club being able to play both right back and act as kit manager for the fixture.

• John "not me" Delanissss the current head of the FAI (not to be confused with the FAS) reknowned for his business management skills and ability to delegate blame to others for his own mistakes has been successfully frustrating irish soccer fans for years now.

• Martin "Bullin" Cullen the "head honcho", "main man", "vote getter", "road builder". All nicknames of his until the government reshuffle when he was removed as Minister for Roads and Shite and is now Minister for public appearances and non arborial gandening supplies

• Keith "two first names" Barry. Since his rise to fame most waterfordoeans have amazingly discovered they are related to Keith and have been quoted as saying "he was in my house once when i was younger, well maybe he was outside it, walking past...fine i went to the same school as him...well it was right next to his school....in district terms"

• Jim "i played for ireland, remember???" Beglin. former footballer, current talking head.

• Gilbert "the hair" O' Sullivan. No seriously he is from waterford....he IS ALRIGHT!! famous songwriter and singer but not enough people know about him go on youtube him....ill wait........

[edit] Local Language

The local language in Waterford(boy) is quite unique Some such phrases in the local area are:

• "Jaysus boy it was like Fuckin' Bunkers" = "My word that hill was quite steep"
• "boy" used as a punctuation mark and as the subject for any sentence e.g. "Well boy", "What the fuck are ye talkin abou boy"

• "D'ya want yer go boy?" = "Would you be interested in a bout of fisticuffs?"
• "Well Boy" = this is the most useful phrase you will ever need going to Waterford (and who'd go to Waterford?). It can be adorned with a question mark, exclamation, comma, full stop or a pint bottle of Phoenix. Well Boy means anything you want it to mean but don't say it in Ballybricken on a Saturday night because you won't be well boy after that and will end up in Ardkeen Hospital with a broken face.