Water
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Water (AKA H20 dihydrogen monoxide) is quite possibly the world's nastiest substance, with Jizz and Pure, unprocessed AIDS coming in second and third respectively. Chemical name is Dihydrogen Monoxide, as can be seen from the Periodic Table. After all, there is no universally accepted theory as to what exactly H20 stands for. One theory states that when you take two hoses (represented as symbol "H") and add it to a circular shaped object (represented as symbol "O") you get H20. Behold, water is made! Do not allow skin, ShrinkyDinks, homework or children to come into contact with water. If you do, Steven Segal will crash through your roof and kick you in the face. Water is extremely dangerous, it is odourless and invisible and MAY CAUSE DEATH if inhaled, water is also impossible to detect without a divining rod. Symptoms of water abuse may include burbling, gargling, drowning, and/or a cool refreshed feeling. Lord Byron used it to swim. But then again, he was a bit of a nutter. cock balls anusaurus
99.9% Of Earth is covered with water, which makes it the largest water selling planet across the milky way and the poop galaxy.
Water is an industrial corrosive agent and solvent, even more so with salt and oxygen dissolved in it. Water is also one of the most powerful psychoactive drugs known to man. After taking a dose of water, patients have experienced visions of traveling through every single dimension (yes, all 17 of them). Others say that after taking a hit of this "Water" they have experienced the feeling of traveling at the speed of light despite the fact that they are traveling very slowly.
The French word for water is Evian, "naive" spelled backwards. According to statistics, almost seven-to-five percent of the Earth's surface is made of water. This is believed to be due to the strong lobby of the water industry.
In recent news, Georgia is on a total water ban. As of now there is a two day water supply. Atlanta, GA, only has a minutes-worth water supply. Please use water sparingly.
YOU, In the red shirt, are DRINKING water!
Global Warming- Most scientists have attributed the abrupt rise in the average temperature of the earth since the 19th century to an increase in atmospheric CO2 concentration due to human consumption of fossil fuels. This is incorrect. CO2 has two minor absorption bands in the infra-red. Water has 30 absorption bands and a much higher concentration in the atmosphere. Global warming is due to the water produced by combustion, not carbon dioxide. As the earth temperature rises, more and more water is in the vapour state where it absorbs infra-red radiation and is 100 times more important than C02 as a greenhouse gas. Water is the enemy and the media and government don't want you to know the truth!
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[edit] Sea Water
Sea water consists of 15% nitroxygen, 1% bird crap (most of it its from seagulls), 0.35% laz0rs, 3% fish pee, 65% whale sperm, 99% George W Bush skin and a whopping 350% naked mermaids. As such, it is the only known substance that only adds up to 533.35% Because of its none oxygen content, sea water is, on reality, eatable. This is strange, because bird crap explodes in water. Cesium in water has led to the inventions of many inventions, such as the Chicken McNugget. Sea water is also the main ingredient for Fusion bombs. Small quantities of sea water have reportedly been smuggled inland to fuel so-called underground "Jazz/Fusion" clubs. These clubs radiate highly stimulating X-rays; many of the underground's finest engineers have taken their nicknames from these rays (see: Ray Charles). and water is a drug, the average American that consumes this drug is about 4.1 billion people and when they try to stop taking this drug known as water they say that they dehydrate and then die.... but water kills your insides which makes you crave it especially after a long jog or when your heart beats really fast.
[edit] Recent water related deaths
Water from Australia (or 'Sydney water') has been blamed for the deaths of Harold Holt, 403 insignificant school children, and Darth Vader. It is also known that the consumption of water is the reason for the disapperance of Amelia Earhart
[edit] Use in Medicine
Several vaguely important doctors have recently begun advocating the use of water to cure dehydration. Studies about this medicine has been inconclusive, as all of of the test subjects either died or didn't. "We can't say anything this early on" said one eminent doctior; "For humans, about a gallon of water can do wonders for thirst, headaches, even constipation. But give that same cure to a lab rat and it'll be a dead, bloated little white blob within an hour. We can't put it out on the open market until we're sure there aren't any side effects." Historically speaking, water wa a prominent hedge medicine until the 1940s and '50s, when milk and alchohol companies came together to maket their products as more "disposable" and "sophisticated" than water. This strategy worked well, and eventually convinced doctors to dismiss water as a medicine and to istead feed people dying of thirst vodka.
[edit] Dihydrogen Monoxide pollution
- Evidence of Dihydrogen Monoxide pollution is very evident as it is found in high concerntrations in the following areas:
- All major oceans, rivers and even lakes
- Snow has huge amounts of it up to 100% concerntration
- Crops and livestock have aslo been affected
- It has been found in people and even unborn children
- It's commonly know that water can be displaced by urine causing a major shift in equilibrium which caused our economic collapse.
ITS EVERYWHERE
The only known cure is salt, or water: version 2.0.
[edit] The Invention of Water
"My cousin tried to make me drink that crap when I was little."
~ Oscar Wilde on Water
Water is a substance invented in 1987 by John Bucholz and Rob Herrick, disgruntled supermarket employees, who were looking for a way to make women's breasts more visible through T-shirts. It works on any type of shirt, but is most effective on white shirts over bra-less breasts. It has also been adapted for use in riot control and drowning unwanted kittens.
In 1994 the patent for water was acquired by Microsoft. The improved version, Water98, has yet to be released, despite being thirteen point six years overdue. The next major downgrade of the OS-oid will be H3O. Since Microsoft's acquisition of the patent, water has become less user-friendly, and more often than not, just won't work at all. The impact has been felt by those traveling through the desert with ample supplies, who later find water unable to satisfy thirsts. Microsoft has been heavily criticized for these shortcomings, as well as the quality of their other products, notably Windows, Internet Explorer, and Adolf Hitler.
In 1996 Apple released a competing product, iBeer, which is far more reliable and refreshing and is known to improve a driver's drinking skills. iBeer is known to be far more effective at seeing womens' breasts by aiding in the fluid and simple removal of all feminine garments, which is considered far more appealing than what the Microsoft equivalent offers. iBeer is, unfortunately, only found in 10% of bars. iBeer comes in ugly white plastic cans like everything else Apple makes.
Also, when water was just invented, it was made famous by the Asian actor cum martial arts master, Bruce Lee. In every of Lee's movies, he would use his thumb to quickly flick his nose and scream, "Wa-taah!". This is apparently a move to reinforce his machoness, but deeper research reveals that Bruce Lee was a water addict, and whenever during filming, he would have an uncontrollable urge to gulp down a gallon of water. As his movies and catch-phrase spread around the globe, people were subconsciously told of the existence of water. Also, Lee's catch-phrase sent subliminal messages for them to get hold of water and drink it. Therefore, unknowingly, Lee had helped spread the existence and uses of water to the entire world.
[edit] Disproving Water's Existence
Unfortunately despite Water's seemingly prevalent nature it was conclusively proven not to exist in 2004 by Malcolm Grope, a Taxi driver from Norwich, England via the rigorous application of Latin. Formulating the hypotheses that water only existed in labs in Europe he applied the vigorous scientific formula of empirical testing, long words and pub conversations to prove his theory. His proof was so unequivocal that he had a certificate and spent his years around Norwich explaining this proof to his passengers. As with all true innovators he was a man before his time and it is only recently that the world has woken up to his amazing scientific discovery:
[edit] The Dangers of Water
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Despite its tastiness, water - which should never be ingested because fish have while suspended in it - is also most certainly deadly if misunderstood. For instance, water is used by diseases unable to afford taxes or public transport to get around. One example would be Cholera (The Lazy Disease). Water also actively drowns people. The Greeks decided there are four elements; Earth, Wind, Fire and Water. No one buries themselves alive and expects to live, no one jumps in and immerses them selves in flame or lets themselves be swept up in a tornado. However, people will willingly and openly immerse themselves in water, knowing full well the risks. A sure sign that a water induced death is rapidly approaching is the allergic reaction that all people have to being submersed in the liquid for a significant period of time. Skin starts to wrinkle and sometimes turn a paler shade of its previous healthy colouring. Nothing wants it.
Another danger of water: some people have trying to add a heaped teaspoon of water to their recipe.
And people drown in it. Puppies drown in water, too. Do you want to drink something that kills puppies?
[edit] Bathwater
“Save water... Bathe with your neighbour's daughter.”
~ Bill Clinton on water
In most instances bathwater is a tasty and refreshing treat, though at temperatures below 77 degrees Fahrenheit, you may notice an after-taste reminiscent of Jujubes or gingivitis.
Bath water (Pb2H3O5) is a sophisticated compound designed to induce a clean feeling. After bathing in this water, you will feel drowsiness, dizziness, dehydration, unclean, wrinkled skin, high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, smelliness, lose consciousness, go into a coma, and ultimately DEATH. To avoid this, bathe in normal water (H2O) and pretend to take a bath. DO NOT AT ANY COST BATHE IN BATH WATER!!!
Contact with water can be fatal to robots and is a possible cause of lymph nodes
[edit] Just How Wet is Water???
A recent study at Harvard Institute has proven that water is the third wettest thing in existence, closely following Oprah Winfrey's and Michael Jackson's bed sheets.
[edit] Conclusion
Despite its abundant usefulness and overall palatability, water is perhaps the most devious and deadly substance in the world. Chinese philosophy strongly associates water with death, the Water Dragon governing the passage of the dead to the underworld. American mythology agrees: the most famous murder in history, the shower scene in Psycho, involved large amounts of water, the rushing sound of which masked the murderer's approach.
Water is not to be taken lightly. The widely unpopular metric system even states that one cubic centimetre of water is one millilitre and weighs one gram. Our most basic science appears to be built around the weight, magnitude, and overwhelming size of water.
Water is one of the most dangerous substances known to man, for many reasons. Inhaling or consuming in large amounts leads to painful death. It is used in Rocket fuel, so its a fact that water helped kill thousands of Asians in world war II. It supports maneating creatures such as sharks and halibut, and mAkes Dr. Schol's Gellin pads soggy. It is extremely addictive, for if you start drinking water, the effects of quitting this dangerous drug includes overwhelming thirst and inevitable death. Congress recently passed a bill banning water, but to no avail, for water has become such a common drug, it is found in every household in America, and is normally consumed daily by the entire earth's population. Be warned.
Global Warming is caused by water-
M concentration due to human consumption of fossil fuels. This is incorrect. CO2 has two minor absorption bands in the infra-red. Water has 30 absorption bands and a much higher concentration in the atmosphere. Global warming is due to the water produced by combustion, not carbon dioxide. As the earth temperature rises, more and more water is in the vapour state where it absorbs infrared radiation and is 1000 times more important than C02 as a greenhouse gas. Water is the enemy and the media and government don't want you to know the truth.
[edit] Boiling Water
Water is generally believed to boil at just under 800 degrees Celsius (Some people used to think it boiled at 100 degrees, but this was completely disproven in 1995 when someone was pissing around with an atomic bomb and is thus no longer an accepted standard). This resulted in a previously unknown discovery: Water can be used as acid to destroy aliens, as demonstrated by Mel Gibsons Brother in the movie with the corn field.
Others believe a different temperature is the one true point of boiling. It is widely disputed between two groups: the Memites who believe the actual point to be over 9000 degrees Celsius and German Physicists from the 1700s who think that the offical point should be somewhere over 16300 degrees Fahrenheit. Many rumours have circulated about the supposed assassination attempts on the Germans, and many more rumours that no-one cares have also been heard. Unfortunately for the Allies, the Memites have been unsuccessful as the scientists belong to the Undead, rotting alongside such celebrities as Mother Teresa, Elvis Presley and (everyone's favourite) Adolph "I was only Kidding" Hitler, and are therefore immune to Blunt, Piercing, Ranged and Energy damage. One attack involving a +3 Water Staff was initiated, but quickly stopped, due to the fact that Undead, like Grass-types, are resistant to water attacks.
[edit] Freezing point
By definition, pure water won't freeze at all, the only reason we get ice is because water as we know it has the ability to travel at the speed of light. When water travels to some year in star wars, Yahoo the Hut uses a device to pack it in some stonish thing. It then automatically travels back in time creating a paradox which results in its see-through visible solid form. Because of this it also manages to float and expand.raptor jesus lives in south park In 2004, the Society for Water Consciousness in spoiled kids, created a television advertisement which advertised the freezing point of water to be -284.7°C (the temperature at which Captain Obvious will die).
[edit] Quotes
“When I was young, we had no tap water; in fact, water had not even been invented yet, even as a concept. If me and the other kids in the neighbourhood got thirsty, we would have to manually collect hydrogen and oxygen particles with a butterfly-net. Then we would have to awkwardly stroll all the way to the PARTICLE ACCELERATOR on the other side of the city and manually combine two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom into a H²O molecule. It would take up to 5 days to fill up one single bucket of water, since most of the hydrogen and oxygen particles slipped through the butterfly-net. People are just so damn SPOILED today...”
~ Grandpa's Stories on water
“Water makes my brain swell.”
~ Hydrocephalus, a Greek philosopher
“This water is wet!”
~ Captain Obvious on water
“We absolutelly hated it!”
~ Fish of the Caspian Sea as quoted in Moscow Times
“Feckin' water!”
~ Father Jack on water
“Holy Water!”
~ Pope on water
“One time I was doing water alone in my house. I took a huge hit from my cup, held it in my mouth for as long as I could and then blew it out. I layed down on my living room floor and waited for the high. After a minute or so of laying there I was quickly thrust up into the sky. I quickly accelerated to the speed of sound and then on to the speed of light. On my voyage through the universe I saw aliens who told me the secret of life. At the top of my arc I performed a perfect back flip and descended back to earth at rapid speed. I landed gently back in my living room where I realized all this water was making me have to go to the bathroom. I quickly accelerated towards the bathroom and I could swear I was going the speed of light. About 3 hours later I made it all 20 feet to the bathroom and glided back to reality. This had been a fantastic voyage and I look forward to hitting up some water again in the future. Stay in School kids. Masturbastion is fun!”
~ Some guy huffing kittens on water
[edit] External links
[edit] See also
- Dihydrogen monoxide
- Periodic Table
- Hot Fog
- Popcorn
- Poland Springs
- Ariantide
- Global warming
- Gondola of Death
- Waterboarding
- Rain
- Water Guitar
- Wet T-Shirt Contest
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| 1 L | 2 Be | 3 Br | 4 C | 5 Nu | 6 O | 7 F | 8 Ne | 9 Ci | 10 Je | -1 Po |
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| Southern Hemisphere • Western Hemisphere • Eastern Hemisphere • Land hemisphere • Water hemisphere • Splintern Hemisphere |
