Wasp

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[[Image:vuvuzela.jpg|right|thumb|150px|A picture of a wasp.]]
 
[[Image:vuvuzela.jpg|right|thumb|150px|A picture of a wasp.]]
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=== Origin ===
 
=== Origin ===

Revision as of 19:54, September 8, 2012

Caution: This page is in British English.
The original author considered changing all the spellings to American,
but decided that life is too short.

Wasps (as they are formally labelled), are an insect closely related to the common house fly. Well, fairly closely related. Actually, maybe about as closely related as you are to your third-cousin-twice-removed's neighbour's milkman's thirtieth love-child. So not quite related closely enough to share toothbrushes, but related to flies nonetheless like everything else with six legs.

For those taking biology exams, I should be a bit more exact. Wasps are part of the same insect family as Bees and Ants (Hymenoptera which is Greek for something anatomical). Most wasps are called - laughably - 'social insects' which as anyone who has been on the receiving end of a jab from these yellow bellies knows to be untrue. Some wasps prefer to hang out alone and with caterpillars too, until they paralyse those idiots and stuff them in cupboards to be feed on by their progeny. I am sure Ayn Rand would have loved these wasps if she hadn't written about them.

Wasps are well known for being spawns of Satan, like Furbys, and that guy you met on the internet or at the pub. A simple but popular defition of wasp is any member of the Aculeate family Vepidae, but a far more accurate definition would be a "shower of bastardos". Wasps are unique in the sense that they do not have to actually eat to produce energy, as they get all of their energy from the depths of hell, which they are in constant communication with. In between flying around looking for teachers to sting and stinging other people they also construct basic nests out of pulp, where they live a strange almost cultish existence. There is a one 'breeding queen' who has a harem of male drones to do her bidding. These guys just sit on couches all day long and would watch TV if it was available. T

The ones that do the 'work' are the other females in the nest. hey only leave their nests to sting people " esp. single mothers" or, failing that , stinging inanimate objects as practise for the real thing. Their real job is to feed everyone and then build a room for the next generation of diva wasps. These superfit female wasps get the best food and grooming for the day when everyone leaves the nest to shag each other buzz-less or die from alcohol excess with their tongues stuck firmly inside a fermenting apple.


Vuvuzela
A picture of a wasp.
Bouncywikilogo10
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wasp.

Origin

Wasps are believed to have originated when a load of flies — swarming around a dog turd one summer afternoon, as they do — got narked off with people hitting them with rolled up magazines, and decided to plot a way to take spectacular revenge on mankind womankind mankind womankind mankind womankind mankind womankind...

(We apologise for the brief interruption to this article while we resolve this little argument. Now let's see — these particular flies had been subject to particularly vicious attacks by humans armed not with copies of Weight Loss Weekly but with Trainspotter's Monthly, so I think it's fair to say they were taking revenge on mankind.)

Okay, now where was I? Right, yes, there was this swarm of flies plotting how to take revenge on mankind. Anyway, one of them is really clever, like, and gets this idea called Evolution out of some book called Origin of The Faeces.

"That's it", they all buzzed excitedly, "we need to use evolution to turn ourselves into vicious nasty insects that can attack mankind".

"What sort of things can we do with evolution?" they asked the clever one.

"Well, we can change our appearance, get ourselves camouflaged and stuff."

The particular dog turd they happened to be swarming around was in the middle of a zebra crossing, so they decided that the best camouflage would be to turn themselves stripy. It was a great camouflage. Well, almost... Everything seemed to be going nicely to plan until one of them suddenly realised that they had evolved black and yellow stripes, but the zebra crossing was black and white. They all buzzed furiously, knowing that it had taken them 100000000 generations of fly evolution to get this far, and there was a growing consensus that any fly that didn't like the colour scheme was going to have to damn well lump it, because they couldn't be arsed to change it now. Then the clever fly remarked, "Hey, no worries. They have black and yellow zebra crossings in Switzerland. Black and yellow will be OK, we'll go and annoy the Swiss, and steal their chocolate." A heated discussion ensued about whether cuckoo clocks could eat flies, but they finally all agreed that black and yellow stripes would do just fine. All except the bald-faced Bankster hornets, that is.

With that sorted, they then turned their attention to evolving some nasty weapon to attack people with. They all agreed that it would be Poetic Justice to evolve some kind of giant Chalk-Board-Cleaner but decided on a newspaper or magazine to hit people with, and after another 45222342 generations they managed to evolve the Giant Magazine-Wielding Fly. But when it came to actually producing the giant magazine, such a big argument flared up about which scantily dressed celebrity was going to appear on the cover that they had to abandon the plan entirely, and come up with a different weapon instead. After briefly considering WMDs, but rejecting that for fear of being attacked by a crazed Dubya-monkey, they finally decided that the best weapon to evolve would be a sting — and the rest, as they say, is history.

So, there is now no serious disagreement among scientists as to how wasps came into existence, and anyone who thinks differently is a communist conspiracy theorist and an infidel. The one remaining unsolved problem has been where the name "Wasp" came from. But recently, a team of Linguistic-ology-ology-ologists from Harvard concluded after intense study that said insects were meant to be called "Wathpth", but the first person to name them didn't have a lisp, so had to call them "Wasps" instead.


War with the Hornet(1500-2009) (The only section worth reading in this shitty article)

In Human terms this would be the Wasp's "World War 2" equivalent. The Wasps wanted to go around a fuck more shit up than usual (they don't usually fuck up other flying-fucking-shit-up-insects) But because of the wasps mass boredom they got up in the Hornets grills, and war ensued. It eventually led off when they both got bored of fucking each other up. Anti-climatic ain't it? Well don't judge it... Or they WILL fuck you up. The War ended with 2.4 Million Hornet Deaths and 1.9 Million Wasp deaths, though an initial 'Draw' the Hornet's populate faster than the Wasp, mainly because they crowd their free time with 'Sex, Sex, Fuck shit up.' While a Wasp crowds it's free time with 'Fuck Shit up, Fuck Shit up, and Fuck Shit up.' Also check out the rich history of the Mud Dauber(Mud Wasp to the retards).

What is the point of wasps?

This is an age old question and one which, sadly , may never be answered although poodle owners waspiologists wasp studiers wasp men scientists are constantly trying to realise what this may be. One theory is that they are bees gone wrong, and that originally bees would create honey and wasps would create a sugar-free alternative but something went wrong along the way. However the problem with this theory is that wasps actually do create a kind of chutney/jam substance although it's for personal use and they rarely choose to distribute it.

A popular theory amongst Christians is that wasps are the unholy guardians of hell. However this theory has been mainly been rejected by 'Marxists' and Poodle Owners and the scientific community as it's stating the complete fucking obvious.

There are some who claim that wasps have an important niche in our ecosystem: for example eating other pests such as caterpillars as well as pollination. It should be noted though that the people who say this are liars, bad people and probably in league with the the Government, the BNP, Premiership Football Clubs and [not least] wasps.

How to kill a wasp

“The only pleasure in life greater than seeing a dead wasp is knowing you killed the bastardo yourself.”
~ Oscar Wilde on killing wasps
“In Soviet Russia wasp swat YOU!!.”

In the field of wasps there is nothing; nothing more important than knowing how to kill them.

Swatting them with rolled-up newspaper is now very passé. If you want to move with the times, here's the accepted technique for dewaspifying your home.

  1. Put a glass over the wasp
  2. Slide a piece of card underneath
  3. Carry the wasp (trapped between card and glass) to the nearest microwave oven
  4. Recite several verses from the Karma Sutra
  5. Nuke the wasp mercilessly
  6. Attack the striped bastardos with an electric fly swatter and fry them till they are crisp
  7. Serve with garlic and chives.

Or if you really; really hate the bastardos:

  1. Remove all potential victims from the vicinty
  2. Spay the Bastardo (good and proper) with Death, Murder, Kill
  3. Wait until if falls to the floor
  4. Cover with used copy of The Guardian
  5. Jump up and down on it for least 14 Mins.
  6. Ensure the bloody thing is indeed dead and NOT just acting
  7. Place next to common object and take photo [using mobile 'phone] - for evidence of scale.

Ha, ha, that'll teach them ...

How to kill THE Wasp

If you read Marvel Comics, hate Janet van Dyne, and have her in your house in her wasp form right now,

  • knock her out
  • Bring her to school
  • Now when nobody is looking, PUT HER IN THE CHILI!

now the really, REALLY hate part

  • Buy a can of Raid
  • Unscrew the lid
  • Put her in it
  • Spray it until her guts squeeze out

Note

A [live] wasp in an empty cigar tube makes a highly effective and inexpensive sex toy.

Wasps are also the exact opposite of Michael Stipe.

Wasps are known in America as White Anglo Saxon Protestants, which takes a long longer to say and as a result will also lead to being stung (in financial terms) over many years:

 "Look out!"
 "What?"
 "On your society! It's a white anglo sax..."
 "Owww! ...ad infinitum ..."

Wasps are the only known flying creature to actually be able to smell fear.


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