Washington University in St. Louis
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Washington University in St. Louis, also known as “Wash U,” “WUSTL,” “Wash Jew,” “The Sixth Borough of New York,” “The 51st Ward of Chicago,” “The Seventh Samurai,” is a coeducational, private research university located in St. Louis City and St. Louis County, Missouri for students from the New York and Chicago metropolitan areas.
Washington University was founded in 1853 as “Eliot Seminary,” and was devoted to the study of insemination. It was located in downtown St. Louis. The school’s president of the board of trustees, William Greenleaf Eliot, was uncomfortable having a school named after him, so the school’s name was changed to the “Washington Institute.” The Washington Institute became a night school for young men from St. Louis interested in insemination. In 1856, the name was changed again to “Washington University” in order to keep people from thinking that the school was one of those for-profit degree mills. The board of trustees added the phrase “in St. Louis” to the name in 1976 to distinguish the school from others with similar names.
As the 19th Century wore on, Washington University added a law school and a medical school, expanding the institution’s field of study.
In 1900, Washington University moved to its current home on the border of St. Louis City and St. Louis County, adjacent to Forest Park. This was done because the school knew that its students would never be ratchet enough to actually attend school in St. Louis City. The 1904 World’s Fair and 1904 Olympics were held on Washington University’s new campus.
After World War II, Washington University slowly grew from a well-respected regional school to a school with national recognition. In 1995, Mark Wrighton was elected chancellor and has served in the capacity since. Under his tenure, the school’s academic programs and campus have both significantly expanded, as has the number of students from outside of St. Louis. Once a school for young St. Louis men interested in insemination, Washington University is now a major research institution for kids from New York or Chicago, who pay full tuition and don’t need any financial aid unlike the local yokels.
edit College of Arts & Sciences
The College of Arts & Sciences enrolls the majority of Wash U’s undergraduates. It boasts over 40 departments and 330 tenure or tenure-tracked faculty.
The centerpiece of the College of Arts & Sciences is the pre-medical program. Over the course of four years, Wash U’s pre-med program transforms bright-eyed optimistic teenagers with dreams of changing lives through the study of medicine into dorm-dwelling study drones who only leave their rooms or the Olin Library B-stacks to attend class or purchase meals in a dining hall.
edit Olin Business School
The Olin Business School specializes in teaching the mentally challenged how to run businesses and the American economy. Olin students are known to study in groups for hours and still struggle to understand basic concepts. They benefit from an excellent work placement program, which places them in summer internships in order to help them transition to living independently. When they return to Washington University in the fall, all an Olin student can talk about is their internship!
edit School of Engineering
TWIRL PEN SPEAK FAST DO MATH TWIRL PEN SPEAK FAST DESIGN INFRASTRUCTURE
edit Sam Fox School of Design
Half of the Sam Fox School of Design is coked up architecture majors, the other half is socially awkward art majors who give every non-art major a deer-in-headlights look, as if they can’t comprehend that there are people who aren’t as creative or individualistic as they are.
edit Medical School
Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis is the second ranked school of medicine according to someone. It is the light that attracts the pre-med moths to Wash U’s undergraduate program. It is closely affiliated with Barnes-Jewish Hospital, which was created when Barnes Hospital, a beautiful shiksa, converted to Judaism and married the Jewish Hospital of St. Louis.
edit School of Law
Washington University has a law school for T14 rejects and middle class students on full ride scholarships.
edit George Brown School of Social Work
A hotbed of leftist political activity, the Brown School teaches graduate level students how to solve the world’s problems by creating more problems. It is the second ranked school of social work in the United States behind the Democratic National Committee.
edit Campus Life
edit Student Organizations
Washington University’s student paper is “Student Life.” Ironically, its nickname is “Stud Life.” The nickname is ironic because it references sexual activity, of which there is none at Wash U. There is more sex at Fontbonne University, the small Catholic commuter college next door, than there is at Wash U. The only studs at Wash U are high school students on tours.
Wash U has many service organizations on campus, including Relay for Life, Campus YMCA, and “Thurtene.” Thurtene is a cult that organizes an annual carnival ostensibly to raise money for charity. Really, the carnival is intended to please the Rakshasa, demons with an insatiable hunger for human flesh who Thurtene worship. Using mind control powers bestowed by the Rakshasa, Thurtene forces fraternities and sororities to build shrines at their annual fair as a means of pleasing the Rakshasa. Students in Thurtene also walk around campus in bright yellow ski jackets, since they believe that the Rakshasa cannot see the color yellow and will not eat the flesh of someone camoflauged by yellow. The only way to free the fraternity brothers and sorority sisters from their shrine-building bondage is to learn the “Bend Will” dragon shout from the Dragonborn DLC of the hit game “Skyrim,” now remastered and available at your local GameStop. Using the shout on a shrine will free the students who built it, but will also spawn a Rakshasa that you will need to fight.
One third of Wash U’s student body is Jewish, so Hillel, Chabad, AIPAC, and the College Democrats have a significant presence on campus.
There is a College Republicans group for Milo Yiannopoulos fans.
edit Greek Life
If greek life in college is like a drug, Wash U’s greek life is like Advil. The fraternity houses are located on campus in buildings constructed by the university, which should tell you enough. Each break, students in Wash U’s greek life go home and are put to shame by the more advanced partying of their state school friends.
Wash U’s campus has two residential areas—the South 40 and the North Side. The South 40 is for freshman and sophomores. Every 15 years, Wash U tears down older dorms and replaces them with more expensive newer dorms, because the massive amount of hormones on the South 40 saturates the buildings, weakening their structures.
The North Side has the fraternity houses, but also dorms for junior or senior pre-med students who could never hope to go to a frat party.
Wash U also owns many apartments off campus, which it rents to students by semester. Most of these apartments are north of campus around the Delmar Loop, which is where Wash U’s underage students go to drink after they nut up and purchase fake IDs.
Closely affiliated with the university is Quadrangle Housing, which rents to Wash U undergraduate and graduate students as well as faculty. Quadrangle apartments are clustered in the Skinker-DeBalivere, where the artsy kids live. Quadrangle is known for its cheaper rates and for imprisoning students in its system of bureaucratic chaos.
The artsiest, farts-iest, most radically liberal kids live in the Co-Op, located in the same neighborhood. Students in the Co-Op are assigned chores to maintain the building and create a sense of community. Prospective residents must apply to live in the Co-Op, and if you don’t meet the Co-Op’s strict standards for radicalization and individualism, you will not be accepted by them.
The beauty of Wash U’s campus is a siren call that lures unsuspecting applicants to an eternity of soul crushing schoolwork.
Washington University is a Division IV school, and is in the “Dweeb Conference” along with the University of Chicago, New York University, the New School, Wesleyan University, Sarah Lawrence College, and Case Western Reserve University. Wash U’s mascot is the Monopoly Man, in reference to the school’s socioeconomic diversity.
edit Socioeconomic Diversity
Wash U has one of the highest proportions of students from families in the top 1% of income. This creates a sense of cognitive dissonance within the liberal student body, compelling students from Long Island to say they’re from “New York” and students from Naperville to say they’re from “Chicago.” This makes it seem like they have some street cred, but all the street cred in St. Louis is north of Delmar.
The 10% of students who don’t come from New York or Chicago come from a wide variety of places: Boston, Los Angeles, Texas, Florida, or China.