Washington State University

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WSU (Wasted State University)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Washington State University.

Wasted State University or WSU (around 23,000 students and staff) is the seconded largest public university in Washington State. WSU is located in the middle of fucking nowhere in a little ass backwater town surrounded by wheat fields for 200 miles called Pullman (population 2000). Around Washington it is know as the party school, even though every college student, ever, has said: "OMG MY SCHOOL IS DA PARTY SCHOOL LOL!!!". In fact it is ranked 2nd in the nation according to Playboy. No wonder, with its 25 Fraternities and 15 sororities, making up 13% of the student population. Beer runs like water around Greek row. The local favorite is Busch, some estimates range as high as 7% of Busch Light beer production goes to WSU. Statistics state that 84% of the students viewing this site are from UW, just for the simple fact that it is probably raining in Seattle right now and those hippies have nothing better to do.

edit History

WSU has a long and interesting history. It all began neary 100 years ago, when a Washington farmer named Joseph Dingleheimer (known to friends as "Big Hungry Joe") was arrested for performing acts of bestiality with one of his cows. Dingleheimer was sent to prison, and the courts decreed that his estate be given to the cow as compensation. For several years the cow happily grazed on its property, until one day someone suggested the cow donate the land to the state. The cow was not capable of consenting to this (as it was a fucking cow), so state wardens slaughtered the cow and seized the land.

It was decided by the State of Washington that this land be used as the site of a new, desperately needed leper colony. In 1912, the State Home for Disgusting Lepers was completed, and several lepers were housed there. One of the lepers, David "Fancypants" Skinner, taught himself to read from the back of cereal boxes, and the residents of Pullman were duly impressed as he was the most educated person ever to reside in that town. It was decreed that the SHDL be turned into an educational facility for lepers, and in 1918 its name was changed to the State University for Disgusting Lepers.

SUDL continued operation until 1939, when a fire destroyed the campus, killing many lepers and several cows. This was a devastating tragedy for the people of Pullman, as those lepers were the smartest, kindest, and most physically attractive people to ever live in their town. In their honor, the state government built an insane asylum on the property called the SUDL Memorial Asylum for the Mentally Deranged.

In 1963, a patient suffering from severe schizophrenia began suffering delusions that he was the president of a large university. The staff of the SUDL Memorial Asylum decided to humor him and play along, calling him "Mr. President" and asking him how the university's football team was doing. After a while, their joking got out of hand and they decided to take it a step further. Several staff members posted ads in Washington newspapers stating that a new university had been created for high school drop-outs who were too stupid to be admitted into the University of Washington. Suprisingly, many young people fell for it, showing up at the asylum and expecting it to be a university. The joke was revealed, but the aspiring students were not smart enough to understand that they were the victims of a hoax and demanded to be let in to the asylum and attend "classes." Unable to convince them otherwise, the asylum's staff finally gave in and admitted the students. This went on for several years, with students living side-by-side with mental patients and attending "classes" (which mainly involved them helping the custodial staff clean patients' bed pans).

In 1974 it was decreed by the governor of Washington that, since "students" outnumered patients at the asylum 5-to-1, the SUDL Memorial Asylum be turned into an actual university. And thus Washington State University was born. Fascinating history, eh?

edit Admissions

WSU employs a unique approach to admitting students. Whereas most universities rely on applicants' SAT results, WSU decided that such a challenge would screen out the caliber of students it seeks. Instead, WSU recruits young people who intended on taking the SATs but got lost on the way to the test site.

WSU also accepts anyone who failed to make it into UW, thus making their lives much more desirable seeing how Seattle has one of the highest suicide rates in the country.

edit Academics and Activities

Pullmanwater

Busch, known as Pullman Water at WSU

WSU is proud of its wide range of stellar academic programs. The university offers several majors, the most popular of which is Drinking Until You Puke. Other popular majors include Beastiality Studies, The Science of Getting Knocked Up, and Liver Cirrhosis Studies. Campus activities include Accidentally Locking Yourself in a Closet (a perennial favorite), the Ice Cream Club (in which students compete to see how much ice cream they can eat without vomiting), and the Marital Arts Club (where members debate who kicked more ass, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or the Power Rangers).

WSU is locked in a bitter rivarly with the University of Washington. UW students believe they are smarter than WSU students due to their student body being made up of 68.9% asians. This rivalry usually involves UW students pulling cruel pranks on WSU, like the time they convinced WSU's president that he was chosen to audition for American Idol. The president sang a Barry Manilow tune in front of the entire student body, and was stunned when it was revealed to him that it was just a prank and he wasn't really on American Idol (he kept asking, "When do I get to meet Simon?").

Stimson Hall is one of the most popular party destinations at WSU. Common party themes are "We get No Girls", and "We Still Haven't Gotten Any Girls no Matter How Many Time We Try". Its students are knowing for their strong work ethic, and eccentricities on and off campus. In reality these social events are more desirable than getting rained on 365 days a year and having to deal with bums when walking to class.

edit The Paddle

Bestpartyoncampus

Don't worry man its totally non-gay and legal.

The paddle is one of your most powerful tools. Make sure you spank your Little Brother mercilessly. Raise welts. Spank him hard, but after each spanking, make sure to caress his tender cheeks. Massage the pain away. This builds trust.

edit Drinking Urine

You and the other Big Brothers should always make the Little Brothers drink your urine. Hold at least six beers in your bladder for an hour, so the urine is dark and frothy, then release it directly into your Little Brother's mouth. Make sure he gargles before swallowing, then wipe his trembling mouth afterwards with a musty pair of your skidmarked underpants. If you wish, you may allow him to suckle your finger to make the taste dissipate faster. This will create a sense of loyalty.

edit Watermelon Pleasure

Drunksororitygirls

Drunk sorority girls. 1 out of 4 Americans have the VD. Just thought you'd like to know.

Here's a fun one: heat a watermelon in the oven and core equidistant four holes around its circumference. Wrap it in sheepskin and command the Little Brothers to gang-hump it until they climax. This may be humiliating, sure—but they'll thank you some day. Afterwards, make sure to massage their spent testicles between your fingers. This will enforce a sense of honor.

edit Nipples: The Dials of Manhood

Focus on your Little Brother's nipples: slap them, pinch them, and pull at them. Use clothespins, wrenches, tweezers, or spatulas. Burn them with the tips of your cigarettes. And afterwards, wipe the tears away from the eyes of your Little Brother, wet your thumb and forefinger, and gently rub the sore nipples. This is a perfect way to teach him the value of discipline.

edit Hide and Seek

Inserting objects into a Little Brother's rectum is a tradition that stems all the way back to Prostatus Engorgum and his Unity of Anal Fixation. Keys, whisks, squash racquet handles, boots, bottles, whatever. It may pain him, but it will teach an important lesson: sometimes life hurts. Indeed, the Little Brother might even cry while learning this. He might fight the handcuffs and bleed, but you can diffuse his misery quite easily. Masturbate afterwards and this will show him how proud you are. Upon completion of your self-pleasure, mark him as your territory and he will surely squeal with delight. The two of you have a bond that can never be broken. So crack a beer and hit the sororities, dude!

edit See also

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