Washington Literary Society and Debating Union

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The Washington Literary Society and Debating Union (also known as "the Washington Society" or "the Wash") is a literary and debating group at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville.

The first incarnation of the organization was created during the 1835-1836 term at the University, when the Academics Society and another, unknown group merged. The Washington Society stopped meeting on May 19, 1861 when its membership decided to contribute all of its assets to the Confederate States of America during the American Civil War. The Society reorganized in October 1865 and persisted until 1929. It was revived again in 1932 but did not survive the session. The Society had another shortlived spurt from 1939 to 1942.

The current incarnation of the Washington Society came into being in 1979 and operates under the constitution of the original Society. The group meets in Jefferson Hall every Thursday evening during which classes are in session. The Washington Society and the Jefferson Literary and Debating Society are the two main literary and debating groups at the University. Although there is a rivalry between the two groups, some students are members of both organizations and there exists a generally amiable air between the two. In contrast to the Jefferson Society, the Washington Society has open membership. The Washington and Jefferson Societies debate against each other twice a year, in one serious and one humorous debate. They compete in an annual field day on the Lawn, with events that over the years have included football, kickball, tennis, dodgeball, wiffleball, fat bat, bocce, croquet, and ultimate frisbee. The groups have a tug-of-war match between the East Lawn's statue of George Washington and the West Lawn's statue of Thomas Jefferson.


Recent History

Before 1998, the Society was a well-known magnet for various social outcasts and closeted homosexuals. There were winds of change brewing by the mid 90s, however, with the admission of such dynamic literary and musical powerhouses as Michael "Gavin" Nye and Jon "Paul Jones" Fielding. Some semblance of coolness was also maintained by Mike Carter, who was at that time on the lam from unspecified felony charges in New York City, the District of Columbia, and Ottawa, and Duane Gibson, who was actually responsible for the majority of these crimes. The overall picture was bleak, however, and most students and members of the University administration accurately wrote off the "Washies" as at best angst-ridden pseudointellectuals who were still struggling with the changes of puberty, and at worst as Mr. Pibb-swilling Dungeons & Dragons players who spent hours at Alderman Library printing out full color jpegs of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Donnie Wahlberg.

Many scholars of the Society believe a second renaissance began in 1998 with the admission of an explosive provisional class of previously unparalled skills. This band of geniuses included future Presidents Andrew Curley and Adam Moore, as well as the highly respected prop comic Matt Green and the Society's heart for the next four years, Amanda Griffin. Other sweet dudes/ladies included Navy hero Edward Burnett, ballet sensation Lindsay Bunting, and smirking prick Bryan Maxwell.

As with any lame organization, the Wash reacted poorly to her new-found success. The new class quickly found the reins of power abandoned in their hands as the old guard abdicated their "power" to their new overlords. These neophytes grossly mishandled their responsibilities, and were well-known throughout Grounds for late-night parties where the latest "They Might Be Giants" singles could be heard at all hours. Although the Society had great potential, it was clear to the pundits in the national newspapers that in order for the Wash to achieve true greatness, it would take a strong leader to focus the energies of the Society towards a productive goal. It would take a man willing to defy social convention and hold the Presidency an unheard-of two terms. It would take a man who could take a forty-second kegstand and then eat a hot dog. It would take Andrew Curley.

Andrew Curley was a man, but he was also a lot more than an average man. Stories tell that he stood nearly six feet tall on a warm day, and that he once defiled eighteen provisionals and then ate a hot dog at a Wash party. These stories are almost certainly false, however, because Andrew Curley usually ate Hebrew National Beef Knockwurst, not hot dogs. But perhaps after defiling eighteen provisionals, all of whom were doubtlessly very homely, Curley may have been willing to lower his standards a bit. In any event, the Wash recognized its member most outspoken about his ability to lead, and was far too non-confrontational to deny him his self-proclaimed birthright.

By 2000, the Washington Society was at the acme of her power. Curley's tyrannical grip on the Presidency showed no sign of loosening. At the garden party, held to bring in fresh meat, Curley was able to singlehandedly attract twenty-seven excellent provisional members to the Wash while using only his personal charisma and local distortions he generated in the fabric of spacetime. Adding these provisionals to an already astounding society was like throwing gasoline on a dynamite fire, and then dropping an atomic bomb on the burning dynamite. Members of this all-star cast include such legends as wandering paisano Alex Walthall, New York City socialite Penn Whaling, and the perpetually inebriated Don Badazewski. Curley then ate a hot dog.

Perhaps the most glaring example of the Wash's dominance over Unversity social and intellectual life at this time was the so-called "clubfests" during which prominent members of University sororities would beg Wash men to pleasure them their renowned love-making prowess. The Wash men, having no interest in these braying harpies, would invariably resort to clubbing them to death in a last-ditch attempt to escape their insipid blathering. It was rumored that once the bodies had been abandoned in a dumpster behind the basketball stadium, Curley would ravage the corpses until they literally disintegrated. These rumors were later confirmed by a post on Curley's blog entitled "'Dem lifeless bitches be lovin' my wang" which contained a photojournal of each bone-chilling encounter. It was also rumored that after Curley had had his way with the latest batch of corpses that Bryan Maxwell would then knock Curley unconscious and perform unspeakable acts involving a crowbar, ice cubes, and Curley's anus. These rumors were also later confirmed by a post on Curley's blog, this one entitled "I like to pretend that I'm unconscious while Bryan Maxwell plows my poop shoot."

The behind-the-scenes mastermind of the Society's transformation from laughing stock to clubber of ho's was Mr. Adam Moore. Adam was by all appearances a lamb of a man, the most gentle soul you would ever hope to meet, but once out of the public eye he turned into a ruthless machine, passionate about nothing except money and power. It is said that Adam once sold his own kidney to the Russian Mafia to teach it a lesson about being insolent. This was confirmed by a post on Curley's blog entitled "Damn yo, Moore just cut out his own kidney and sold it to some dude named Boris for fiddy bones!"

However, unbeknownst to the Society's membership, it was this very heartlessness and cruelty that led to their own success. For Adam was not afraid to beat, maim, or kill anyone who stood in the way of whatever arbitrary and pointless thing he decided to accomplish that day. In the spring semester of 2000, the Jefferson Society, a bitter on-Grounds rival, evicted the Wash from their normal meeting place, Jeff Hall. Adam had no opposition to this slight, as it resulted in the Wash meeting in the Commerce School, a much more practical place in Adam's estimation. The Comm School provided sterile fluorescent illumination and digital projectors for the display of soulless computer media. However, one day near the end of the semester, on a whim, Adam decided he would pay a visit to John Finley, overlord of the Jeff. Thinking it would be a fun challenge to make Mr. Finley rescind his eviction of the Wash, Adam stormed into John's room on the Lawn, grabbed his pet bunny, Mr. Flufferson, by the ears, and sliced its head off with a pair of pruning shears. As the blood spilled from the bunny's velveteen flesh onto John's heirloom oriental carpet, a single tear escaped from John's emotional prison. Adam noticed this crack in John's veneer and exploited it, much as Bryan Maxwell exploited cracks in Andrew Curley. Adam glared into John's eyes and channeled all the pain and fear from his own childhood directly into John's soul. After a mere 10 or 15 seconds of this onslaught, John was reduced to a withered husk of a man, his will to live disintegrated like so many sorority girl corpses.

The following semester, the Wash was back in Jeff Hall. Curley took credit for this accomplishment, citing his own diplomatic skills in dealing with the Jeff's leadership. However, the reality of the situation is that the Jeff repeatedly mocked Curley's ineffectual and effeminate attempts at mediation, going so far as to dub him "Girly Curley", a nickname that has stuck to this day, largely on account of its unfettered veracity. Adam's style of negotiating had proved far more persuasive, and was typical of his power plays: discreet, effective, and involved killing a bunny. Some have said that the Wash would never have reached such dizzying heights if so many important people at the University hadn't happened to have had pet bunnies, but these speculators have since been killed in a grisly fashion. No one knows what happened to them. Although Curley has some thoughts (see blog entry from 3/17/01: "ADAM JUST MURDERED MY PARENTS AND IS CHASING ME DOWN THE HALLWAY WITH A FUCKING MEAT CLEAVER!") At any rate, it is safe to say that without this psychotic, homocidal super-robot and his paradoxical juxtaposition of pure rationality and insane rage, the Wash would not even be worthy of this Wikipedia article.

Unfortunately, like all great empires from the Athenian to the British, the Wash's reign of power had to come to an end. Fortunately, we can congratulate these noble souls for choosing to enjoy their day in the sun and then burn out instead of endlessly pursuing safe traditions that lead inevitably to stagnation. Nobody can tell for sure when the society began to fall from power. Historians are certainly not afraid to speculate, however, judging from the numerous articles and books on the subject. One of the predominate theories hypothesizes that the crisis was financial in nature, caused by catastrophic collapse of the Wash's main source of funding, the Virginia Classic High School Debate Tournament, in January 2003. The reasons for this catasrophic collapse are well documented, both photographically and by anecdotal evidence. Witnesses on the scene described the tab room as a wanton display of lesbian pornography and alcohol consumption. In addition, there are reports of curse words and inappropriate drawings on a classroom chalkboard. Many Utz cheese-balls were also consumed. When irate coaches began demanding entry to the tab room, the tournament director was unable to conceal the moans of the porn actresses in the background and the tournament was destroyed. With no source of funding for their Fresca-fueled orgies of nerdpunk, the great members of the Society finally decided to get the last few credits necessary to graduate so they could get on with their miserable lives.

Today, the Washington Society meets at 8 PM on Thursdays in Jefferson Hall, although the institution is a shell of its former self. Reliable reports describe recent meetings as a cross between a Senatorial filibuster and sticking your hand in the garbage disposal. Although the flame of the Wash's spirit has been trampled into embers by the Orwellian boot of tyranny, if we could only get some easy hot chicks to join it would probably rise up like a Phoenix once again. Maybe.


Trivia

Over 90% of married Wash members are wedded to other members of the Society, confirming the group's total awesomeness and fondness for inbreeding.

The capital of Alaska, Anchorage, is known by many Wash members as the "Air Crossroads of the World."

Andrew Curley once ate a hot dog and then pleasured himself in the Monticello bathroom.

The name of the Society is derived from the capital of the United States, Washington.

The names of the four principal characters on Aqua Teen Hunger Force are Meatwad, Master Shake, Frylock, and Carl.


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