Washington Capitals

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“If I had a nickel for every goal Ovechkin scores this season, well, I'd have enough to buy a coke. Maybe three.”
Washington Capitals
Caps!


Conference Eastern
Division South Eastern
Arena Verizon Center
City Washington D.C.
Colors RED!, White, and sometimes Blue
Stanley Cups  :(
Owner Ted Leonsis
Fans 106 "true" fans, about a trillion otherwise
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Washington Capitals.

The Washington Capitals are the greatest hockey team in the NHL in the entire world. The fact that they STILL haven't won a Stanley Cup does not diminish from their status as greatest team in the world in the entire universe. By the way, Sidney Crosby is a whinny little bitch. It is rumored that Alexander Ovechkin in fact makes up the majority if not the entire team, although other players on the Capitals have denied this in public many times. Privately they agree though. Ovechkin, according to a very reliable source, is in fact a robot programed by the Soviet Union to play hockey so well that he mesmerizes Americans in order to distract them from the glorious invasion to come. Sadly the USSR no longer exists, so Ovechkin just plays hockey.

Founding of the Franchise

So in the Year of Our Lord One Thousand Four-Hundred and Ninety-Two Ted Leonsis sailed the ocean blue, got bored and founded the Washington Capitals on the site of Chief Powhatan's Potomac River resort. You know, the one he and his friends frequented before they were taken care of by the English, who while stationed in the frozen North coincidentally created hockey. The Capitals quickly asserted themselves as being highly red, but not so great at the game of hockey. Throw in some forgettable logo redesigns and color schemes, some players most folks don't remember, and hundreds of years of frustration and you have the Washington Capitals circa 1492 to the 2006-2007 season.

2007-2008 Season

All hail Ovechkin and Bruce Boudreau, the mighty saviors of Washington D.C.! This season is noted for being highly fucked up and awesome at the same time. Some other dude was coach at the beginning of the season and the Caps lost approximately 50 consecutive games. He was fired on Thanksgiving and replaced by the new and fabulous Bruce Boudraeu! Combined with the awesome Soviet playing ability of Ovechkin, Boudraeu's genius genius strategisms and cunningness, the Caps turned utter defeat at the season's midway point into a division championship and playoff appearance. The Caps were beaten had game 7 stolen from them. They packed up their things, determined to do better next year.

2008-2009 Season

They did better. But had another playoff series stolen from them.

2009-2010 Season

Ok, let's sum it up with one word: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKE! First, they win the President's Trophy for (supposedly) being the best team in the league. Then, they faced the Canadiens in Round 1. They were expected to finish them off in four, but... after taking a 3 to 1 game series lead, they blow the next three. Let's take you to game 7, shall we? Thirty seconds left in the first period, Montreal on a power play. Marc-Andre Bergeron takes the puck and shoves it into Varlamov's ass, making it 1-0. Then, 16:24 into the third, Dominic Moore takes it and shoves it up harder and it's 2-0. One minute later, Brooks Laich just barely puts it in, but Halak didn't give a shit. Bottom line: the Caps choke and now join the Sharks as two teams who will never win despite their regular season records.


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