Wars of the Roses

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The Wars of the Roses began when Lancashire told its current Boyfriend Yorkshire "roses are red buckets and spades, I'd really laugh if you contracted HIV AIDS"

A moratorium on Wensleydale cheese was announced and hostilities began immediately.

News reports follow

• Rachel Simmonite is banned from driving, in Lancashire (Oh, sorry, that’s a news item)

• Compo is called up, with his ferrets, for undercover work

• The army of Burnley strikes at the evil empire of Thornton-in-Craven

• The Lord Lieutenants of North, West, and South Yorkshire form a junta, with the Mayor of York as Hon. Sec.

• Customs posts are erected on the Humber Bridge, and on the M62 at the border with Lancashire, manned by police armed with shotguns and wearing the new uniform of tweed jacket, plus fours and deerstalkers, and with Labradors

• World Knurr and Spell championships bring thousands flocking to Cleckheaton

• Arthur Scargill is knighted

• Viewing figures for Coronation Street and Brookside collapse, Emmerdale rockets.

• Major roadworks in Haworth grind to a halt because of a shortage of cobblestones

• The Duke of Devonshire is extradited from Chatsworth and made to stand trial for the Ilkley Moor clearances, peasants disappearing, and secret policemen working unsupervised from the Bridewell at Ingleton.

• A Lancashire terrorist blows himself up in Todmorden marketplace

• The Black Pudding Manufacturers Association boycotts Yorkshire abattoirs

• Someone removes the plug and the Manchester Ship Canal drains away

• Theakston’s brewery at Masham works 24 hours a day on Government contracts

• Smugglers run Stanforth’s pies across the Pennines from Skipton

• Ian Brown detunes all the strings on John Squire's guitar.

• Earby, Barnoldswick and the Forest of Bowland rise up in revolt against their Lancashire overlords

• A squadron of nuclear bombers flies in to Leeds/Bradford airport. One of them later drops the Bomb on Morecambe. No noticeable damage is done

• A raiding party targets Blackpool Illuminations

• All the children are evacuated to Scarborough and Bridlington

• Cruise Missiles are launched against Morrison’s supermarkets from Pendle Hill

• John Paul Haythornethwaite fights a naval battle off Filey Brigg with Herring Drifters from Fleetwood

• Yorkshire Guerrillas blow up the Manchester Rapid Transit system at Bury

• Kamikaze grouse are drilled at Bolton Abbey and are sent against the Rochdale Co-op.

• John Squire frames Ian Brown for air rage, locks him in a cage, and throws Maltesers at him.

• York declares UDI, the walls are manned by the clergy. An armed column fights its way south from Catterick. Midget submarines approach up the Ouse and sink a pleasure cruiser. “Gotcha!” says the Liverpool Echo. The Bishop’s palace is shelled

• Sir Bernard Ingham is elected President in a ceremony in Hebden Bridge. Mike Harding is excommunicated

• Yorkshire begins manufacturing its own drugs, Yorkshire Mixture, and Black Shag

• Wallace and Gromit and Calendar News are taken off the air when a Lancastrian Ninja (from the Solid Crud Pile Of Bolton) uses a Wigan Wrench and a piece of Northern Rail's newest Railbus to cover Elmley Moor Mast's transmitters in Eccles Cakes, eventually leading to its collapse and the demolition of a church. Wallace then responds by inventing the new Emley Moor Mast, constructed entirely of Yorkshire Pudding, known to be completely retardant of all Lancashire foodstuffs, much to the facepawing of long-suffering Gromit. However, this measure proves effective, and Gaynor Ackroyd celebrates the occasion on a live bulletin of Calendar News to much fanfare and fuss.

There have been a number of flower based wars such as the War of the Delphiniums and the War of the Dead Tulip.