Warren G. Harding
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“Yeah, a President worse than me!”
“Warren G. Harding was a piece of shit. Fuck him.”
“He broke my watch!”
“I am not fit for this office and never should have been here.”
~ Warren G. Harding
Warren Gangsta Harding was the first black president of the United States[citation needed] and the first president with a penis size of note (easily beating previous record holder John Adams) but was better known for being a international badass, as he intended to succeed realist bastard Woodrow Wilson as the 36th President of the United States. Born in a super typical mid-west state called Ohio? In 1920, he won the International "Most people friendly all round guy ever" contest held in Boise, Idaho(it is worth noting that the first ever drive-by occurred around the time of the event) for his work promoting the interests of the common the man, the common man who run large trusts. Also that year, he was chosen by Henry Cabot Lodge to dig up the corpses of Wilson's family and place them in undignified positions. Wilson's parents' skeletons were found attending a meeting of the American Communist Party; the ensuing scandal threatened to bring down the 1000 year reign of the Wilson Administration. Wilson, being a shrewd politician, quickly spread rumors that he was adopted and that he actually hated Germans and the Irish, absolving himself of all blame.
It is true, Warren was not a nice boy in school. He bit other kids a once raped a schoolteacher. While in his child-form Warren invented the John Woo reverse clutch, the most important invention since slice bread (which was also invented by Harding) using the reverse clutch he was able to kill anyone who didn't believe "Government" was a rotten swear word. Warren is considered by all historians who aren't gay to be the best president ever. Warren free market anti-people policies contributed to America's growing wealth which would continue to increase until a spawn of Woodrow Wilson what his name again ...... FDR? messed up all his good lack of work. Harding also had a refined love of tea, so much so oil barons would later build a teapot dome as a tribute. Although its not worth noting he was good friends with Michael Jackson who taught Harding how to hide his blackness and penis size
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[edit] Presidential Ambitions
Harding greatly desired to be President, but was blocked by the all powerful Woodrow Wilson. A temporary collapse of the space-time continuum cut short the 1000 year reign of the Wilson Presidency by about 992 years. Wilson was propelled forward in time to a dystopic future where he would eventually learn to hunt down and "retire" progressive Republicans that escaped to the planet New Hampsire. Nothing now stood in the way of Harding's vaulting ambition.
[edit] Presidency
After eons of struggles through various space time continua, Harding finally realized his dream to become President was within his reach. Supposedly, he was chosen candidate in a "smoke-filled room"; it was later found that the building was on fire (he himself setting it on fire by busting out some dance moves).
His presidency was characterized by bumbling missteps and corruption at the highest levels of his administration. In 1922 did Warren Harding a stately Teapot Dome decree; it proved to be as unpopular as his "Hog Anus Initiative" of 1921. He also proved to be unpopular with the general public for reasons including:
- Repeatedly clogging the the Presidential Toilet
- Sacrificing every first-born male in Washington D.C. as an offering to the gods to unclog the Presidential Toilet
- Nailing ninety-five infants to the door of the National Cathedral to belatedly protest the Council of Trent
- Laughing gaily at funerals
- Exposing himself to foreign dignitaries which led to the nickname "Warren G Hard-on"
He was notorious for his verbal gaffes, including the infamous "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, to finally be able to fuck the shit out of my pet dog."
In 1923, he traveled to Alaska to dedicate the newest stretch of Tundra. During the visit, he contacted an incurable case of Syphilis from a cheap prostitute he met while in the town of Sitka. In a stroke of genius, he died that June from nine self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the back. His body was moved to the East Room of the White House where it was allowed to decay over a period of seven months.
[edit] Legacy
Warren G. Harding left no legacy, as it was lost in the Great Legacy Fire of 1921 in 1924. All that remains of him is a stain on the floor of the East Room where the putrid fluids from his decaying body collected. Today, the "Warren G. Harding Memorial Stain" may still be seen on the parquet floor. It is a designated National Historic Site. With his 1/12th black genes, Warren G. Harding gave birth to Steve Q. Urkel and has lived out the rest of his life idolizing his offspring. He also started the feud between cats and dogs.
