“In walked her daddy standing six foot four, said "you aint gonna swing with Madonna no more”
~ Oscar Wilde singing while drunk

Isn't it So Damn Pretty,
it should be against the law

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Warrant.

Warrant is an American hair-meatal band from Hollywood, California, that also was known for a little while as a shitty punk/grunge/cover/glam/hip hop/techno & belly to belly flopping band.


They started off in 1983 as a German death metal/speed metal band and released an album called, "First Strike", then one called "Enforcer" and decided the world was not ready for this deep and dark sound yet. The lead singer, The Cookie Monster, decided to quit the band, and so did all the other members. The band later reformed in America in 1984 without any of the original members, this time lead by vocalist Jani Lane the band formed and moved to Hollywood in order to allow Guns N' Roses to have a support act for the Hollywood scene. The band rose to fame with their only ever commercial hit song, "(She's My) Cherry Pie" which was written in 10 minutes as the single to the album of the same name, because the other song they thought was going to be a hit single, "Uncle Fuckers Cabin" didn't do as well as they hoped.


Jani, and two other guys from the band in skirts, the first outfit idea of Warrant that was later dropped and they just kept the hair styles

The Gown Wearing BoysEdit

At first Jani had the idea that all the guys in the band should take a girls name like he had, and they should all dress up in glamorous skirts and long dresses if they where to truly be recognized as a Glam Rock band. But guitarist Joey "Woody Woodpecker" Allen said that they did not want to end up like a beaten up old rocker, like Dave Evans. So Jani agreed to not having to change ALL of their names to resemble a females name, nor wear women's clothing, but he was very adornment about them growing their hair to look like chicks.

Warrant released their debut 4th album in America that was received by the kids at the time as a music that was simply, "euhh, it's alright". Some songs became singles and favorites, such as "32' Penis'", "Go Down On Boys", "Big Tall Bear Whose So Damn Pretty In The Sticks Making Me Sweat Cold", "Heaven Is a Phonecall (and 500 bucks per hour) away" and "Sometimes He Cries When I Forget to use Lube". The album was written up in Kerrang Magazine as one of the ballsiest sounding rock'n'roll albums they had ever heard from a debut artist in America that looked like chicks, but were all manly men underneath.

Type CastEdit

Here we could mention some kick-ass awesome hard rock songs, like "Uncle Tom's Cabin", "I Saw Red", "Bed of Roses", "Sure Feels Good to Me", "Love in Stereo", "Blind Faith", "Mr. Rainmaker" & "Train, Train" which is most of their 1990 album... but those song's where overshadowed by the song "Cherry Pie" which was also the name of the album. Since the release of that song that's been what Warrant is known for, well, that and completely fucking up their career when they thought becoming a Grunge band would be a great new direction to take.

Jani Lane has since said he could shoot heroin into the eye of his dick for having written that song. Even though there is nothing at all wrong with the song, for some people when you mention the song to them, they groan, but when you actually play it, you crank it up and either rock to it, or take all your clothes off to the swingin' sound it makes. And don't you try and deny it either, you know damn well you have it downloaded on your computer, you're just afraid you will be shamed if anyone knew you secretly listened to it... but it's what we like to call the Pro Wrestling Style song... in the 80's and early 90's, everyone loved it, but wouldn't admit it, but someday you're gonna see people coming out and admitting the love "Cherry Pie" and it's gonna become a #1 hit all over the world again.


AGHH, What The Fuu...Ohhhhh, "I saw Red"..., "Cherry Pie"... , Ohhhh, I get it now!!!

Dog Eats BogEdit

In 1992 they had some kick your mothers cunt inside-out tunes on this album. The standouts were; "Machine Gun", "The Hole in My Wall" and.... and? .... Ummm... Bitte... no, that was about it actually. So the album wasn't much of a success. Instead of trying to write better hard rock songs, the band had this bonehead idea to turn to Grunge.

The Grunge YearsEdit

Who gives a flying Fuck about this period of Warrant. No one even remembers them doing this, because all the songs they wrote during this time sucked 180 pounds of monkey cum out of a 160 pound bag.

The Dead as Fuck YearsEdit

The band finally realized too late, "Hey, we suck as a Grunge band", and by the time they discovered this, their attempts at re-recording there original hits, trying a live album, and covering a few 100 other bands songs failed to get Warrant out of that "What ever happened to Baby Jani" category. Jani figured, "Fuck it, lets quit and get real jobs" so he attempted to go solo on his own which wasn't a really good idea, as he could only play a guitar, and trying to play 2 guitars, a bass and the drums at once, let alone sing, is a real bitch to do.

Bjorn AgainEdit

In 2004 Swedish faggots, ABBA wanted to re-invent their sound, and Warrant also wanted to go back to the hard-rock sound, but in a bit more modern way, so the two groups never met and did anything, I'm not even sure the two bands are even aware of either's existence. But you know how these articles go, blah blah blah blah with words to fill up space to make it look longer then it needs to be.

Warrant TodayEdit

Please don't have a heart attack, but Warrant are still together!! Jani Lane has quit the band a million times, and keeps coming back, then leaving then you know, blah blah blah blah... are you even reading this anymore? Anyway, it's hard to keep up with who is the lead singger of Warrant now days, who the hell is in the band, and what not. So let's just end this article on a sour note (plays a F# with a lemon)

The Death of JaniEdit

On august 11th 2011, Jani Lane was found dead in a dodgy motel called "comfort inn." No official cause of death has yet been released, bu he was found next to a half empty bottle of vodka and a large black man named "Ricardo the punisher."



OMG, THATS NOT... Errr... I know too much already

  • 1983 - "Enforcer"
  • 1983 - "First Strike"
  • 1985 - "Second Strike Enforcement Officer with a Warrant"
  • 1989 - "Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Bitch" (tribute to Bette Biddler)
  • 1990 - "Cherry Pie"
  • 1992 - "Dog Eat Bog"
  • 1995 - "Homophobic"
  • 1996 - "The Belly Flop Album" (later re-released as "Flip Flops")
  • 1996 - "Best of Warrant" Notice there are no songs from after 1993
  • 1997 - "Warrant Live: 87' to 92', the shit people gave a fuck about"
  • 1999 - "Greatest & Some Other Shit"
  • 2001 - "A Bunch Of Cover Versions of Shit"
  • 2004 - "Then & Now & Before That & Just Before That Happened"
  • 2006 - "Kinda Sucking Without Jani, Again"
  • 2012 - "We Figured It Was About Time We Released Something So You Knew We Were Still Around"

See alsoEdit