Warm piss water
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Why do they drink it?
The mystery of why pub dwellers drink this swill has confused the British genrty for centuries. Nowadays the English cannot afford refrigerators to chill their beer, because they spend their meager salaries on nicotine, sugar, Chinese trinkets, burberry hats (see chavs), and the latest fashions from India. But the invention of refrigeration is historically recent, and certainly doesn't explain why Brits first began to down the dreary suds. A brief look into the fog of history may provide answers.
Legend credits Warm piss water's secret recipe to King Arthur, of all people. This may have been a way for its real inventors, likely a family of lowly peasants of the muddy-shoed and disease-ridden variety, to gin up its reputation among other lowly peasants, passing foreigners, and Londontown's glassy-eyed and already soused citizens. As they slipped under the tables in record numbers, the thought that King Arthur had a similar experience put many a smile on the faces of the newly unconscious and newly departed alike.
The ungodly liquid received its second major promotional boost with the appearance of an obscure passage in Shakespeare's "King Lear" quoting Lear's passion for the brownish-yellow as he drunkenly descends into madness: Droth expelled ure liquid sunscorched, warmth unto thy tongue as thy lady's bosom. Bringeth forth tall glasses roundeth purchased, tarry longe en drinketh hearty freonds ond foes alyke, for heofon's own be Englaland's flavour, Ealdormann ond mudhut dweller toghethar, all quivereth whith Divine longing, entwine wholeheart ure Godcundness mandath! Flor byrthryth's destyny to shareth ov this steep, this myighty equalizer, this supraeme rewardeth flor living, Wearm pisle waeter, mother drinketh ov ure crydle, ure Englaland, ure own.
Another lift to the popularity of Warm piss water came during the "war to end all wars" when Sir Winston Churchill entertained United States President Franklin Roosevelt and Russian strongman Joey Stalin at the pivotal Tehran Conference. Both men winced, it was reported, upon their first ingestion of the brew. But knowing that they were under Winston's peering eye, and realizing it was a test of their manhood, Roosevelt and Stalin grinned, slapped Churchill on the back, and asked for refills. It is theorized in some circles that this seemingly glowing--although in hindsight foolhardy--endorsement of Warm piss water by the three leaders of the free world fooled the English into a further frenzy of pride in their now national drink, and those who dared to speak against it quickly saw the stars from a prone position.
A further theory: the English continue to drink warm piss water to entrap American tourists. The unsuspecting American will go into an inviting neighborhood public house and order a beer. The bartender will then serve him a tall glass of the reckoning, but not tell him it's warm. The victim will then drink it and instantly vomit, while all the limeys laugh at him, pound their knees with their fists, and kick at the sawdust like they've just won the Derby. This is a sport played by an entire nation, taking easily distracted minds completely off of a dreadful but somehow tolerable existence.
How is it made?
The day that the brewer prepares the sacred ceremony and teaches his apprentice the recipe for Warm piss water, another young Brit enters into an honored fraternity of silence. Sworn to never reveal the ingredients and exact brewing process to those not so-sworn themselves, the weighty burden of simply knowing how to make England's superb national drink shapes the lives of all new entrants into this honored club. The humble few who are given entry into the knowledge hold it dear. A few of these--those who cannot take the pressure--find that assisted suicide is usually the end result of their doubt. But most persist, become master brewers themselves, and devotedly offer a life of service to their nation and their chosen profession.
Then there are those of us who don't give a tinker's damn. Having drunken of the Warm piss water for twenty-odd years now, I am not long for this world anyway. So here's the secret, passed down to me in the aforementioned secret ceremony abeit with hoods and the forced abuse of choirboys:
Warm piss water is made from potato pulp stolen from the Irish. The potatoes are peeled and crushed with the penis' of drunken and passed-out Scottish tourists, and then filtered through the pubic hair of soccer hooligans whose balls are sweaty from a day of fightin'.
There exists an old common joke in England, told around campfires in centuries past and lately around pub stools and Royal houses of ill repute, which goes thusly: "Canadians try to make Warm piss water, but their one remaining literate adult can't understand the recipe". In fact, no real Canadian has the actual recipe, and when an enterprising Canuck once tried to produce the real thing he got it wrong by undercooking the hops. The fact that Canadians have a standing order of zero casks of English beer speaks volumes about the appeal of England's national drink in its most important colony.
All American beer, as pub patrons know, tastes vaguely of piss. What is not well known outside of the States is that this is because, by law, American beer must contain 15% actual piss. Most Americans are aware of this, but somehow don't much care outside of their Country Club set, which imbibes homebrew beer containing 5% urine, by local statute and club bylaw.
The most non-piss-like beer is good ole German ale, because Germans, the master race (something the poor sods actually believe! Please don't clue them in on the truth and ruin the fun of watching them puff-up and pretend), have very efficient beermakers and scarily efficient kitchen equipment.
Warm piss water. The very name itself represents an entire category at most international Beer judgings, a category in which no English beer has ever won or placed. Various brands of Warm piss water have won the annual Champion Beer of Britain cup every year since 1978, an achievement which marks the Grand Isle's late-blooming cultural emergence and allows England to fully claim its rightful place among the civilized nations of the world.
English beer has, in fact, won an award outside of England. In 1926 the Island nation of Bikini Atoll held an international beer tasting competition in the gym down at the elementary school. Warm piss water, the only entrant, walked away with the first prize, as you may remember from viewing The Archer's 1949 film, The Bikini Atoll Triumph (starring Sir Laurence Olivier and Dame Margaret Rutherford). High points in history are born of such moments, and the 1926 competition was noted both on a pre-war half-crown postage stamp and in very tiny print on every beer label printed in England since 1930.
The London Olympics
In 1908 the expanded Village of London hosted the Olympic Games, and Warm piss water was named the event's official beer. At no point in any other Olympic games--excluding 1948--have the issues of public drunkenness and indecent behavior of officials, athletes, and attendees been a factor. But under the influence of Warm piss water the 1908 Olympians ran wild and naked through the streets. In fact, the Olympic committee had to pay millions of dollars in hush money to rape victims, children exposed to debauchery, and to sensitive Englishmen traumatized by the sight of swinging genitalia attached to drunken males leaping hurdles while laughing hilariously and women running the marathon backwards, naked, and off balance. The Olympic Committee somehow forgot this experience, and awarded the Olympics to London again in 1948, with similar results.
We can only hope that the committee has a long memory, and never again makes the terrible, terrible mistake of bringing the games anywhere near London or its Warm piss water.
In 1912, as the mighty English ship, the RMS Titanic, sailed the Atlantic Ocean towards North America, its Captain, Edward J. Smith, and First Mate, William Murdoch, celebrated the ships' successful launch with round after round of Warm piss water. The sole surviving eyewitness reported that Smith and Murdoch, arm in arm, singing at the top of their voices, danced and chased skirts port to starboard and helm to stern, then fell into stupor on the deck of the ship's bridge. The other personnel, not wishing to awaken the slumbering pair, and astutely recognizing that it was a good time to chase some skirts themselves, tiptoed out, leaving the Captain and First Mate to unconsciously man the bridge themselves.
Attempts to outlaw Warm piss water
Many attempts to ban English beer from manufacture, export, or import have been made since humans invented the terms "manufacture", "export", and "import". The Catholic Church, which saw outlawing British beer as a way to get back at the hated limeys for making them pack up their gold filled bags and cross the Channel without a boat, tried for three hundred years to convince people it was both a mortal sin and an affront to Jesus, Mary, and the holy cuckold Joseph to drink from a cup containing "the Devil's Brew". This all came to naught when the Protestants and Anglo's just dug in their heels and made it "A Glorious Endeavor Indeed" to drink from those same cups.
The most successful (or at least loudest) recent aggregate has been the Consumer Protection Agency, which has tried to ban Warm piss water from the European Common Market (and later, the European Union) since 1947. Generations have come and gone during this campaign. Sons have trudged in their father's footsteps to take up the mantle of "Ban this Bomb". The result: Much mocking laughter has followed in their wake, and their cause has been ignored everywhere but in the south of Vatican City. Even the Royal family itself--continuing Winnie's tradition--turns a deaf ear to the pleas of these nutters, and takes casks and keggers of Warm piss water to present as gifts to heads of state and local landowners on their periodic tours of the world's lesser nations.
The famous Times of London broadsheet
The Times of London recently issued a profile of English beer, a summary which was then printed on posters and broadsheets and passed throughout the United Kingdom, accompanied by proud whoops of joy and cheers of "Well done mate, well done.":
"If English beer is piss water, then it must have come from a dehydrated rhino in heat with diabetes to be that colour. All other world monoculture beers do however bear a striking resemblance to gnat's micturation, and have to be served cold to deaden the taste buds. I suspect that a large amount is in fact recycled straight from the public house urinals, and thus is responsible for the increasing problem of manboobs amongst the worlds remnant neanderthal population. This is, in part, due to the high levels of oestrengentators in American, German, and Italian beer, a chemical which is also responsible for changing the sex of fish stocks.
"So bollocks to you, ignorant Antipodean or Antisceptic minge nibblers or whatever you are; go and piss in your boat."
That day The Times of London showed record sales, and English Warm piss water sold very well that night, very well indeed.