Warlock

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Warlock2.time
Don't be fooled by the apparent dastardly exterior, most are actually rather nice chaps.
“All we are saying is give Warlocks a chance”
~ John Lennon on Warlocks

Warlocks (pron. [war-lock] or [omg-ftw]) were invented in 1881 by God to make up a new private army to take over the world, because his incumbent army, the angels, had gone soft. The word Warlock is made up of the English words war meaning "to kill stuff" and lock meaning "no way out". Therefore, if you are approached by a Warlock, they WILL kill you and there will be no way out of it.

History

Origins

In the beginning, God had his army of angels. After some time doing God's bidding, the angels became jaded and preferred to spend most of their time lounging around on clouds eating cream cheese and crackers. God needed more intimidating enforcers. So that he wouldn't lose face by asking Satan to come back to Heaven, he decided to make a new breed of enforcers. God originally created five male Warlocks to be generals of his new army of terror. He said to them "Go forth and Multiply and populate all nations with dark minions." After much experimentation these five went back to God to ask for some female Warlocks to help them reproduce.

Liberation from God

After years of toil for God, the great Warlock Lord Core Scorpius attempted to overthrow God's regime. Stemming a drunken dare, Lord Scorpius gathered his minions and challenged God to a duel. God explained that since Lord Scorpius had minions fighting for him that it wasn't technically a duel and it was "way unfair". Lord Scorpius paid no heed to God's protests and proceeded to perform his face-melting spells which left God with deep scarring and deformalities. Defeated, God went into hiding and the Warlocks were now free to do whatever they fancied. However, since most Warlocks fancy World Domination, they continued doing exactly the same as they did while working for God.

Attempts of World Domination

The most famous attempt of World Domination by a Warlock happened at the Olympic Games in Beijing in 2008. The Warlock's name was He Kexin and her minions had infiltrated the Chinese Government and also the Olympic Gymnastics Judging Panel. After engineering a gold medal performance in the Uneven Bars event, He Kexin was the most influential being in China. However after certain allegations surfaced from the Internet community about her true age/sex/species, He Kexin has kept a low profile. Experts believe her plan is not yet complete and that He Kexin will return sometime in the future, with much more power than before.

The Olympic Games have been a popular outlet for Warlocks to unleash their schemes, due to the event being televised around the entire world. An attempt made at the Sydney 2000 Olympics by a young female Warlock failed after a promising start. Warlock Nikki Webster had enormous influence over the world after performing her domination spells at the Olympic Opening Ceremony. Her end came after a series of bad fashion decisions and social alignments, when a spell she cast to increase her popularity backfired and caused her head to a splode.

Behaviour

Warlocks are typically solitary creatures. Though they are often surrounded by minions, they are not used for companionship. Warlocks choose to have very little to do with their minions except for ordering them to do the Warlock's bidding. Most Warlocks use demons as their minions, as they are easy to enslave and are readily available from most evangelical churches after their mass exorcism sessions.

Earthquakerepair
Repairmen work on Madonna's Caribbean home after a Warlock convention.

Occasionally, Warlocks will gather for conventions and to discuss their progress on World Domination. These conventions usually result in food and blood stains on the walls, floors and ceilings from sacrifices and food fights. Enemy Warlocks will also take the opportunity to challenge each other to minion battles, often causing irrepairable structual damage to buildings. Many hotels and function centres have now banned Warlock conventions. Warlocks have overcome this ban by holding conventions in the mansions of the rich and famous, convincing them it's a good idea by threatening to eat their souls.

Small groups of Warlocks will also band together to defeat a greater power. However, after the victory, one Warlock will often betray the others by killing them and eating their souls.

Unlike Vampires, Warlocks are not afraid to go out in daylight.The reason they prefer to realise their schemes at night is simply because people get scared more easily when it's dark.

Much of a Warlock's power is derrived from the souls that they eat. Therefore, the more souls they eat, the more power they have. The downside is that the body of a Warlock converts unused power into fat. Due to much of the world being evil anyway, many Warlocks have given up on trying to take over the world and hence get fat because they no longer use their powers. Doctors have described Warlock obesity as reaching epidemic proportions and have warned non-practicing Warlocks to cut down on soul eating. These warnings have largely been ignored, due to the fact that souls are really, really tasty[1].

Famous Warlocks

Batmanadamwest
Batman and his trusty minion
Buddychrist
Jesus gives one of his speeches
Rasputin
My beard grows longer for every Soul I consume - Rasputin on how much he loves his beard.
  • Batman - one of the most interesting Warlocks of all time. With his demon minion Robin he managed to manipulate all of Gotham city into worshipping him. Disguising himself as a vigilante bent on ridding the city of crime, he was in fact methodically eliminating his competition. He also developed an alter-ego day form, masquerading as businessman Bruce Wayne, to form a legitimate business front to finance his evil schemes.
  • Jesus - this Warlock was so powerful that he was able to control 12 minions at once. He relied on his powers of persuasion to influence people to do his bidding. He was the first Warlock to create and use a Soulstone, a device now commonly used by Warlocks to self-ressurect if they happen to be killed. Jesus worked at a time when Warlocks were under the employment of God. Since the defeat of God, Jesus lost much of his influence and is now rumoured to be scheming in a bunker somewhere underneath the Pacific Ocean.
  • Rasputin - originally believed to be just an awesomely evil guy, he was recently discovered to have been a practicing Warlock. His affair with the Tsaritsa of Russia produced the half human/half Warlock, Tsarevich Alexei[2]. Rasputin was also an avid user of the Soulstone, which has since been uncovered as the reason behind him being so hard to kill. After surviving stabbing, poisoning and gunshot attacks, doubts arose that his documented cause of death by drowning was in fact true, especially when it was discovered that the body Russian authorities thought was Rasputin was actually a shaved yeti. His whereabouts are currently unknown, however a Russian called Vlad has recently surfaced who has a very similar surname and who also seems bent on world domination.

Tyler Penhallow - perhaps the most greatest Warlock of all time. He will leave you feeling dazzled and confused. In 1910 he single-handedly caused a snowstorm that crippled all of Ohio. He has also invented the "Coca-Cola", and was the cause of Marie Brémont's immortality.

Dealing with Warlocks

Jacksons nose
A Warlock no, Michael Jackson, um? I'm not sure actually...

How to spot a Warlock

A common misconception is that a Warlock can smell fear. In fact, Warlocks have evolved so that they are born without noses. This is so they are not able to smell the stench of the demons that they are working with.

Many Warlocks have attempted to blend into everyday society by using prosthetic noses. Therefore, the simplest way to identify a Warlock is to grasp their nose firmly between your thumb and forefinger and pull. If the nose comes off, you have found a Warlock or Michael Jackson. If the nose stays put, you should apologise profusely to the person you assaulted.

Though this method is certainly the most effective for detecting Warlocks, it is extremely dangerous as you either end up with an irate person with a sore nose or an irate Warlock who wants his nose back.

How to escape

If you see a Warlock in the wild, you should immediately walk backwards at a 45 degree angle singing "Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof." This song has a crippling effect on Warlocks, not to mention many other humanoid creatures as well. To avoid being affected by the song yourself, put your thumbs in your ears as you sing.

If you are unable to get away, bribery works occasionally. Offerings of Swiss chocolates or your first born child seem to be the most successful trades for your life.


See Also

  • Wizard - these are regular human beings who like to dress up like Warlocks.
  • Mage - like Wizards, but not as tough.
  • Witch - rhymes with bitch.
  • Evil Genius - many Evil Geniuses are in fact Warlocks.


Notes

  1. Warlocks have described the taste of soul to be like tender lamb, spit roasted in the fires of hell, covered in rosemary with a touch of mint sauce.
  2. Commonly thought to be a haemophiliac, it was actually Alexei's human blood trying to escape from his Warlock body at every available opportunity.
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