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Patriarch Washington, ill prepared to fight the British with his outdated codex.

In Warhammer 40k players play one of two forces: 1. The Space Marines, greatly favored by the the God Emperor, honored by the Imperium and sold to new players by the Adeptus Redshirtii or 2. One of the many shunned, minor forces. The Space Marine exterminatus of these xenos, heretics and mutants is so effective that many predict by 192.M46 all these other forces will be available through direct order only.

Each of these small, insignificant forces has their own codex, that can be purchased for $22, until the September 29, 2008 price increase due to the failure of Games Workshop's crappy other game, Lord of the Rings (See "that game no one cares about in the back of the store", also, "that game with everything half off but still no one wants it"). While the Space Marine codex is kept up to date, all other codex's are treated as ancient works from a Games Workshop long past. The most notably archaic tome is the Dark Eldar codex. Modern copies are the same version carried by George Washington as he crossed the Delaware. A single codex alone is not enough to play the game, but combined with the core rule book, a dungeon masters guide, monster manuals I-III, fire, wind, water and heart, Go Planet! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!

[edit] Minor Forces

[edit] Imperial Guard

Normal humans given the short straw and forced to fight against super human alien killing machines using flashlights, butter knives and bad language. Classic IG tactics include Red-Rover defence walls, where the troopers all hold hands and stand in a line to stop enemy tanks from passing through, and Omega-pattern mine clearance, which is basically the same thing except everyone walks forwards at the same time. Even though they are the most common fighting force in the Imperium, there are approximately three players in the world that actually use this army on the tabletop. A much talked about fourth player, John Tillings from Kent, is rumoured to have around 1500pts of models but when asked he has repeatedly denied this. IG have five main strategies.

1) Mobbing. This involves simply sending 40,000 men over the top and crushing the enemy to death. This tactic is, in principle, unbeatable but as no one has ever collected 40,000 models it rarely turns out that way. Instead, the 25 models you sold your house, children, and left kidney to afford are usually torn apart by enemy fire before getting out of your own deployment zone.with the new codex you now need 70,000 men and the boxes cost twice as much now for half of what you could have gotten before the new codex making this tactic impossible to use now

2) Mass surrender. By surrendering in huge numbers the Imperial Guard can seriously hamper their opponents who will need to half their entire army to guard them. This tactic usually leads to a defeat, but a draw can sometimes be salvaged if you "accidentally" knock over the table and then claim you can't remember where all the terrain was placed.

3) Mass suicide. See "Mobbing" above.

4) Mass armor. The alternative to mobbing is using the IG's access to a great number of tanks. Unfortunately, since one tank requires painting skills (which means buying a drop of paint for 10 gallons of gasoline), the actual tanks (if you have no more gasoline, you must pay with 10 gallons of blood for a single tank), and with the new updated rules about infantry counting for points to win, has made this tactic obsolete. new codex mean the tanks must now be deployed in squads of 3 now which makes this tactic impossible to use also

5)Commissar execution. In an attempt to keep morale at an unrealistically high level, Commissars will execute anyone from an infantryman to a senior officer to himself who thinks of the following words: cowardice, defeat, surrender, ouch, confusion, or tentacles. To discover these traitorous thoughts by the use of psykers, who promptly tell the Commisar upon discovery. The Commissar soon realizes that the psyker needs to think those words to tell him about them, so he executes the psyker. He thereafter executes those guilty of thinking the words. Finally, the Commissar realizes that to be watching out for people thinking those words he would have think them himself, so he shoots himself. As you can see, this is a superbly effective method of killing your own men.

“Commissar always said, "Safety First!"”

~ First Guardsman on Safety

“Yeah, thats the thing he has to take off before he shoots you...”

~ Second Guardsman on First Guardsman's Illusion of Safety

6)Bad Painting. The Guard player will paint his models so badly, that the opponents will refuse to play which means that the guard player wins by default.

The Guardsmen have many different regiments each with their different doctrines. Each regiment is carefully designed to take the piss out of a particular country or people by perpetuating outdated 19th Century racial stereotypes. All are sold separately, and the more racist the regiment the more ridiculous the cost. Example include:

The Tallarn towelheads
The Valhallan drunks
The Death Korps sex-perverts
Horribly Deformed people called Catachans. They look like they've been hit in the face with a monkey. This gives them the magical strength to hold Heavy bolters, even though they are not Space Marines.
Some muscular guys in combat trousers, possibly from the Village People
The Tanith First and Only stalkers

[edit] Witch Hunters

Witch Hunters will kill you on sight if you have acne, freckles, horns growing out of your head, or if you are Mike Funk or Creston Irby or anyone who may be possibly uglier than either of the two(Witch is impossible), purely on the off chance that you are a witch. The most common test by the Witch Hunters to check if you are a witch is to round up a large crowd of peasants dressed in sackcloth (that would be you) then see if you weigh as much as a duck with a giant pair of scales. Other methods include advanced interrogation techniques, for example repeatedly asking "are you a witch?" while poking you with a soft cushion, or simply playing it safe and just shooting you in the head.

[edit] Daemon Hunters

Daemon Hunters will kill you on sight if you have acne, freckles, or horns growing out of your head purely on the off chance that you suffer from daemonic possession. Led by Inquisitors, this force includes "Grey Knights" who are super-space marines and are played by people with even less skill (who needs tactics if your halberd is 20 miles long?). The Daemon Hunters were formed in secret as the most elite fighting force in the Imperium. This is considered distinctly unsporting because, when it comes to getting their hands dirty in a fight, most daemons are about as effective as polysporin on an amputated limb. Grey Knight Terminators are some of the most expensive models available, each being individually hand carved from diamonds by Jesus of Nazareth. As a result, only Bill Gates and Warren Buffet can afford to collect this army.

[edit] Demon Hunters

Same as Daemon Hunters, just spelled differently. It is a little known fact that because of this clerical error in the early days of the Imperium, there are two entirely independent and highly secretive organizations hunting daemons/demons, both of whom are entirely unaware of each others presence. They also tie in with Space Marines in the fact that, although they are the smallest fighting force in all of the Imperium's zillion billion worlds, they seem to show up all the Emperordamned time!

The Demon Hunters generally divide people up into the following categories:

Humans.
Demon Hunters.
Demons.
Humans harbouring possible mutations.

Their mission is to exterminate the latter two options. However due to the presence of additional limbs, exceptional eyesight, moles and slight coughs almost every being they are likely to meet will fit into one of the latter two options. Thus the Demon Hunters are held in awe and fear, as they seem to be able to brutally murder anyone they want and get away with it.

[edit] Sisters of Battle

The Sisters of Battle will execute you after several weeks of grueling torture if you so much as think the word "heretic". They will also kill you if they think your eyes are too close together. The sisters have so much faith in their God Emperor that most of them believe they can run straight through brick walls and fight on the battlefield half naked (my sister) (This may be related to the "Pink tactic", in that you can't fight a girl while looking down her top. It's too distracting). This leads to something of a shortage of Sisters, hence their recent policy of recruiting prostitutes (Sammy Koon) and crack whores (Carington Suma) to help swell their ranks. This has lowered the quality of their troops and leaders somewhat, a change that is represented in the game by the loss of a point of leadership and the requirement that the player take a hit from a crack pipe every other turn.

Don't even think about flirting with them. Sex is the first thing on their mind; they see it as a form of heresy.

[edit] Alien Hunters

Will typically kill you if they find any hidden alien technology in the boot of your car or if they decide you have a funny shaped head. Even looking at an alien is a crime punishable by death. The only acceptable contact with aliens is shooting them, and even then it must be done with your eyes closed and a string of garlic round your neck. Games Workshop has yet to release a codex for this force, making it is impossible to actually play this army. Thus, Alien Hunters are the only army anyone can actually afford (with the use of proxies. See Warhammer 40k article).

[edit] Eldar

Have nothing to do with elves. In fact they are so unalike elves that they are a forgotten dying race with pointy ears and magic powers. Nope, nothing like elves at all. They are technologically advanced yet incapable of providing their troops with armor stronger than wet toilet paper painted bright yellow or weapons that can fire further than you can throw a rock. Their god's favorite color is pink, leading to speculation that all Eldar are gay which would also explain exactly why they are a dying race.

The tale of the Eldar is a tragic one however, at the height of their power their empire was blown apart by a massive psychic explosion caused by the Eldar's emotions, leaving what is known as the Eye of Terror in its place. This is the single greatest form of litter in the known universe as the Eldar have simply walked away whistling while every other race in the galaxy is left to clean up the mess. Their failure to clean up after themselves has led to many conflicts with other races who try to get back at the Eldar for being such "bloody whopping-great tossers." However the Eldar continue to run and hide like pansies, failing to either clean up their mess or even pay for the damages. Instead they sit in leisure on their planet-sized mansions floating through space watching the scenery. This might explain that, while the average warrior is 4,000 years old, he is still only as accurate as a hardly trained human. However, they always seem to appear randomly at every battle to say a few pointless words before leaving again. Unfortunately, if they are caught and imprisoned, they will have been raped 20 times by guardsmen on average before execution.

Aim for the kidneys, its their weak point.

[edit] Aspect Warriors

The Eldar take great pride in their warrior disciplines (known as the warrior aspects)taking many human lifetimes to master one unique art of war. This is designed to create units of highly specialised warriors, second to none at what they do. Many independant observers have found that this has been achieved. They also state that this is nothing to be proud of. For example, the Howling Banshees train in the arts of excessive screaming excessively, leading the enemy to, if anything, kill them faster to make them stop. The Fire Dragons train at destructoin with their high power guns and grenades. Unfortunately they do not train to duck, and are quickly cut down before they can do anything useful.

[edit] Guardians

The Eldar take pride in the fact that they can field their militia with fancy armour and weaponry. However, no one has been able to figure out why they do this in the first place. Guardians, as they call themselves, or Meatshields, as they are called by the rest of the universe and their mums, are quite possibly THE worst unit in the game, more likely to eliminate themselves just so they don't have to look themselves in the mirror and die from overexposure to the few wayward light rays that are unfortunate enough to land on them. Though the Eldar themselves claim that as they are a dying race they all need to fight together, they fail to realise that guardians would do better if they were replaced by those little barking dogs that do backflips as these would at least cause the enemy to notice them before they meet their horrible doom. The most common use of the guardians is as a meat shield to the units in the army that actually matter.(Hence the name Guardians.) However as the Eldar are a dying race, this is a complete waste of life and the Eldar should let the Guardians get on with being pansy civilians where they might actually make use of themselves rather than having the battlefield decorated with their entrails by an unfriendly gust of wind.

Upon this reasoning, it is quite simple to see that Guardians are where Eldar are put if they make the Craftworld's depopulation list. This is for several reasons, though they can only be revealed through a short tale of wonder.

[edit] Origin of Guardians

Originally, before the concept of meat shields (the more common name for Guardians), the Eldar nobles and aristocracy had decided that all Eldar male and female who did not pass the stringent testing for an aspect path (which, contrary to popular belief, only requires you to write your name correctly on a piece of paper) were to be put to work to curb this whole "dying race" rut the Eldar had found themselves in by being forced to work in "breeding colonies" (That's right, so many Eldatr couldn't spell their names, they needed colonies). This turned out to be a disaster. The Eldar higher-ups, it would seem, did not realize that one lower order being + another lower order being = a really, really low order being. Though by the time that this mistake was realized, there was already vast numbers of really, really, really lower order Eldar inhabiting whole breeding-colonies.

So, to buy themselves some time they gave the hordes of child-minded Eldar some construction paper, a few cardboard tubes, some bright paint and an elastic band. From this came the armour worn by Guardians and the shuriken catapult. Upon viewing the works, the Nobles had "a stonking good idea" (High Lord Fancypants) and came up with a way to put the Child-Eldar to work and how to stop their elite, true Eldar soldiers from dieing.

Thus, was born the "Guardian"; with their super-bright construction paper armour and cardboard weapons they "guard" their brethern by drawing as much attention to themselves as possible and soaking up vast amounts of bullets and las-rounds and clogging the odd tank's tracks with limbs.

[edit] Dark Eldar

The same as the Eldar, only they look like they came from a particularly bad S&M party. Subject of many, many sexual fantasies by teenagers incapable of looking at/relating to real women. Renowned for taking to battle on unstable cocktails of drugs which causes their elite forces to spend the bulk of the confrontation examining their own hands. They tend to spend most of their free time living inside giant wine jugs, and fear the coming of The Great Wine Press, where a huge one will descend upon their realm and squash them all to a pulp. Dark Eldar have even weaker amour then normal Eldar so a human could blow on Dark Eldar and kill them, this also goes for dark Eldar tanks which are renown for being made from papier maché, and being destroyed by sneezing in their general direction.

Great irony exists in that one of the most bloodthirsty of races in the 40K Universe are in fact one of the weakest. It has been theorised that the Dark Eldar were first created when the guys behind 40K got really, really drunk and decided to make an army of models so sharp that any players who used them would eventually gain so many cuts that their hands would just give up and fall off. Of course when the team sobered up and realised what they had done, they went about trying to make it a legitimate army to attempt to divert attention from the fact that it was a prank and dodge as many lawsuits as possible. Thankfully, the Dark Eldar are the most unpopular army in 40K, so very few cases have been reported. To all those who have heard the rumours that a new Dark Eldar Codex is coming out, you guessed it! The guys got smashed again!

On the other side if you are not a idiot you can make your opponent suffer,capture the enemy to make a bigger S&M party.Dark Eldar have their own fetish city that's no one can find because no one wants lose time searching one city while they can take planets.

[edit] Tau

A bunch of blue skinned, noseless, vagina faced aliens (Example: Mike Funk) the Tau claim that they "just want everyone to be friends", and yet are very happy to blast anyone that gets in their way with several enormous guns (and claim it was for the greater good). The Tau strongly believe that they can beat any enemy by shooting lots of overpowered guns in the enemy's general direction. However, they have a slightly worse ability in close combat than a bunch of sandcastles armed with candy wrappers. Such is their sissyness, that they are quite happy to let their alien "allies" get ripped to shreds in close quarters whilst they hang around the back "supporting" their friends. For the greater good, of course (BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!! cough cough).

Generally, they are one of the more peaceful races of the Warhammer 40k universe. They will only shoot you after refusing to join the Greater Good, rather than on sight like most other humans or Chaos Space Marines (who would shoot you anyway regardless of who you are).

[edit] Orks

Distinguished from Orcs by the inability to spell their own name, Orks ~~talk~~ shout in a cockney accent all the time, or failing that a fake cockney accent. They carry big guns they can't aim for shit, but there are so many of the fuckers the bullets will wipe you out due to sheer laws of probability. They don't die easily, which is a pity, because they can't spell or have tea parties. They tend to have big axes though. They are also extremely racist, one group of Orks being "The Greenies" and the others being "The Whities", each group having a unbridled hate for each other. The Orks are famed for using Grots as meat shields, despite the fact they are only tall enough to conceal the Ork's boots. By happy coincidence, this is the most vital part of the Orkish anatomy; they use them to kick, and to think.

The Orkz are one of the happiest races in the galaxy. One of their favourite pastimes is fighting. If not with their mate, then with their mate's mates than if not, with other tribes. the only thing stopping them from fighting one another, is the presence of other races. failing that, ANYTHING is fair game for a good fight. Hence, they are the happiest race in the universe as they will be happy fighting anything.

The basis of their technology lies in the WAAAAAGH!!! Their ear splitting shout is a combination performance enhancement drug, technology blueprint and reality defying matrix. the WAAAAAGH!!! allows steel tubing and boxes to become gunz (no ammo needed), bulks up all Da Boyz, driving them into a berzerk frenzy, and allows them to defy reality by allowing red vehicles to move faster (Mach 1 running is still too slow). Furthermore the power of the WAAAAAAGGH!!! allows orks to turn bits of pencils, paper, duct tape and several pieces of faecal matter into a large space faring battleship able to take down Battle cruisers several times its size in one shot. As such, it is often speculated that Orks are, in fact, direct descendants of MacGuyver and/or the A Team, however these theories cannot be confirmed, because Orks are far too thick to know their own history.

“Da Orkz is all led by da meanest biggest stompiest ork of dem all. after stompin all da ovver boyz, 'es den called da boss and nows wes all goin on a WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!!”

~ Ork #556876543278876676709432219564629 on it's own last words

The main reason people actually use them is 'cuz their wizards can Shoop Whoop.

They have nothing to do with Orcs because of the sudden call to lousy spelling!

Note: Warboss' Generic Violent Sound is very aggresive.

[edit] Necrons

Widely considered a n00b army, due to their special "We'll be back" rule. Roughly translated, this rule states that any player using Necrons automatically wins the game. Necron players are also permitted to use as many models as they like regardless of points cost, use loaded dice, and give a dead leg to their opponent whenever they feel like it. On the rare occasion they lose a game, any Necron player is permitted to take a sledgehammer to their opponent's models, then painting them all red, then taking a shit on the map if they so choose.

Oddly, Necrons (unkillable killing machines from the dawn of time) tend to run away crying for mama a lot, if this happens;

a)Sue Games Workshop™

b)Tell your models how much they suck

c)Thow them against the wall (or some other equally flat surface)

d)Commit suicide

e)Respawn at your friendly local Games Workshop™ store and buy some Warhammer Fantasy

Necrons are supposed to be undead machines which roam the galaxy destroying all life they encounter. Apart from creating extremely repetitive and mindless games they bear a striking resemblance to the Terminator robots from the film with good ol' Arnold Shwarzenegger. Just remember that this does give you license to;

a)Sue every Necron player you see for plagiarism.

b)Question every Necron player as to why they have chosen such a cold and heartless army and relate it to how cold and heartless the player must feel inside.

c)Beat up every Necron player for defiling the glorious legacy of the Terminator films.

d)Tell them the truth (i.e. that they are stupid, idiotic, obese, and have no life (and that their Necron models look n00bish))

e)Beat up all Necron players who say "We'll Be Back," in an Austrian Accent.

f)Feel good about yourself regarding how much you have/will enjoy/ed beating up children smaller than you and how much they deserved it.

Fans have begun to suspect this army was only created when Games Workshop received a vast sum of money from the coca-cola industry and thus created "living, killing, invulnerable coke cans of death and destruction". During the editorial stages, they were changed to undead skeletons to make the influence less obvious even though they kept the Coca-Cola logo on all of their model's behinds and vehicles right next to the "Made in future China" bumper.

[edit] Colour Scheme

It is also quite depressing to see that 99.99999...% of all Necron armies you see will be painted dead silver. Though Necrons are made of metal, it is no excuse for being unimaginative. Though many n00b players will claim that metal is silver, they are quite easy to shut down by pointing out that 39 thousand years from now, there is a slight possibility that such highly advanced races will have discovered paint.

[edit] C'tan

These are giant scythe wielding hooded star gods who for some reason have found it amusing enough to hang about killing things for the Necrons. We don't know why. We don't care why. There are Four C'tan in existence, the Nightbringer who whiles away the millennia by carving his way through the Imperial guard one at a time, the Deceiver, whom merely sits about watching events unfold then descends at a later date to claim it was all his master plan only to get a mean scolding from Tzeentch, the Outsider, who left the C'tan before they released their first big single "Star Mangled Canner", and the Void Dragon, who has infiltrated the heart of the Imperium and now works as a toilet janitor on Mars. It is rumored that he actually is MacGyver.

[edit] Chaos Space Marines

Space Marines... only evil. And pink. And whining pansies. They put horns on their helmets so they feel like bad-asses and not Space Marine rejects (which they are, which is also the most bad-ass name in the history of Warhammer). Designed so that people won't just play Space Marines, and there will sometimes be two armies. Often called "Space Marines with Daemons coming out of their asses". For some reason, they think that pink makes them look scary, and so have developed the tactic of painting their armour and guns pink. This is actually an effective tactic, as the enemy mostly dies from laughing too much. Chaos Marines worship the four gods of chaos, and use the "gifts" from their gods to win battles. There are the worshippers of Nurgle, who kill their enemies by repeatedly farting in their "general" direction. The followers of Khorne spend most of their time , and so most have extreme paranoia and frequently froth at the mouth or cut themselves to provide blood, and are more commonly known as goths or emos. The forces of Slaanesh are the most common users of the "pink" tactic, and specialise in raping the enemy to death and stuffing their faces with drugs. Armies of Tzeench believe that being turned into dust/having tentacles growing on their eyeballs is the coolest thing ever.

The Chaos Space Marines (or at least of them) have Photosensitive Epilepsy meaning that nearly every Chaos Space Marine on the battle field would be a Spaz by the end of it with all the flashes of the guns.

Speaking on behalf an owner of a huge Chaos Space Marine army, Chaos Marines think they are so bad-ass when you put a noise weapon in their hands and say it's a guitar. That would only come to the fact that it is my dad on the battlefield and he is about to blast the other armies asses off with his awesome guitar ability. Sadly guitars are not weapons. This was frequently pointed out by the enemies of the "Guitar Hero," chapter which is why they turned to Chaos in the first place. The remaining survivors spend the rest of their miserable existence pissing the hell out of other Chaos armies at their own peril. There are currently five remaining survivors. They are all on life support.

[edit] Tyranids

Long ago at some long forgotten Games Workshop, a retarded kid from the local special school walked in a demanded a match against the staff manager. Always keen to take advantage of mental patients, the manager agreed and after an hour, had set up his Imperial Guard army. The kid opened up his "Dinosaur Island" lunch box and placed his "new" units on the table.

50 dead or dying insects, stuck to crude plastic bases were presented to the staff and a sudden idea was brewed up in the managers head as his army was horribly destroyed by the kid (who, though retarded, had come up with functioning rules). Soon after, plastic representations of the same bugs were marketed as a "brand new!" army. A legacy was born...

Da Tyranids are a bunch of bugs that are very hungry, reminiscent of 'Alien', in that they never seem to gain weight. Russians are accused of stealing war tactics from the Tyranids by throwing massive amounts of units at the opposing army with no regard to life. Anyone who plays as Tyranid is therefore a communist (That goes double for Imperial Guard players... actually triple). Often renowned for evolving but the figures never really do. By evolving Games Workshop means they cut up old miniatures and stick them together in different ways and call them new. It is a well known fact that Tyranids are the most annoying race. The Tyranids are armed with a variety of disgusting weapons which spit, toss, spray or otherwise propel unpleasant critters (yes, it is alive) at their foe, who invariably die of terminal heebie-jeebies.

The history of the Tyranids can be split up into three distinct phases:

1) The Original Tyranids

These were the first Tyranids. They differ greatly in appearance to subsequent generations, in that all the models were really fuckin' ugly. They were biblically shoddy. The Hive Tyrant looked like a pirate. The Termagants looked like shit. The Gargoyles looked like two shits pressed together. But worst of all were the Tyranid Warriors. Imagine some dogshit stretched to ridiculous proportions. What a tall piece of shit.

2) The "Starship Troopers" Tyranids

Fairly self - explanatory. This generation of 'nids simply all looked like the bugs from "Starship Troopers."

3) The Current Tyranids

Looks like a mix of the first two generations. The nonsensical boneswords are back too! Welcome back, Hive Pirate. And the Carnifex has a damn ugly giant head. If you asked a 6 year old to draw monster, he'd draw the current Carnifex. It's that generic.

4) The Future Generation

2013 marks the release of the CHAOS TYRANIDS. The models will be 40 foot tall, have lasers on the end of their tails, with jetpacks, potato salad, and they'll also shit thunder. Accompanying them will be new Tyranid fish, that can jump out of the water for a mid-air explosion. Also available will be a model of the Norn Queen, which shits the most thunder of the lot.

[edit] Motivation

Similar to the Necrons, any games played against a Tyranid player lose any sense of purpose. Though other races could be said to fight for morals, objectives, information etc, any story for Tyranids can be summed up with pitiful ease with a single phrase. "Tyranids are hungry. Tyranids shall feed." (Okay, two phrases)

It is also sad to recall that even though the Tyranids are such a mighty race with pitiless hunger, some units in the army can shoot. These units are pussies and should be eradicated from the planet. Such an alien race is clearly very very hungry, and if a hungry Tyranid sees one of its brothers/sisters hanging back and shooting like a pansy, he is likely to call the entire army to kill the shooter, lest their horribly cowardly ways spread. Such an act is a mercy upon creation.

[edit] Grots

Small, puny, weak, diminutive, snotty, horrible tiny orks. Can't spell either, but they have just one advantage over everyone else, and that is the ability to DIE. Quickly. Probably killed by two angry butterflies and a bad breakfast, making them far tougher than the average Eldar. They carry guns of such spectacular inefficiency enemy corpses have been known to spring back into life when these weapons are leveled at them. These guns are roughly the size of the Grots heads, sad, isn't it? They must fire large rounds, and yet they seem to roll cooked peas out of the barrel going as fast as a particularly grumpy slug.

[edit] Kroot

Bunch of Chicken men that will kill you, then eat your corpse, then get stronger. They also run a fast food restaurant: Kroot Fried Material. Where every Friday night, you see them perform the infamous chicken dance. Known to be very gullible; most believe that dying for the Tau is for the "greater good"! The Kroot are essentialy the niggers of the Tau empire.

The Kroot are also notorious for training a series of strange dribbling beasts. Serving as the elite of the Chicken men. Notably the shapers that are armed with the latest in plumbing. By becoming chums with the Tau they have managed to develop their Chicken armour and plumbing.

[edit] Squats

Squats? Never heard of them. Although, it was suggested to have Space Dwarfs theres also a rumor that they were eaten by a very hungry (and ugly) race

[edit] 40K Nerds

Originating from the planet Terror Infirma, these people are close-combat experts with no experience of fire-arms, and therefore run into battle brandishing the ultra-density weapon known as the Warhammer 40K rulebook. Their battle cry has developed over the years into, "Only when both armies are 6 inches apaaart!!!". They have also developed a rousing rally cry when faced with a far superior enemy. Wielding their 40K rulebook above their heads they yell to the heavens "What about my Saving Throw!?"

[edit] Chaos

A whole crapload of daemons that may appear as actual demons or brightly colored blobs. Despite their gay color scheme they are a pain in the ass to kill. Many float around and serve one of the four chaos gods ,Slaanesh. A violent,oversexed, sadomasochistic hermaphrodite. Tzeentch, the resurrected soul of Dumbledore. Khorne, an angry wannabe vegetable and Nurgle, a rotting corpse who dreams of becoming a real boy one day. There is one more god known as Malal, who was exiled for kicking everyone's ass at chess. Satan would be proud. (He since moved to playing Counter-Strike but was banned from every server he joined for being 'too good.' He now plays Runescape... coz no-one cares about Runescape. He also occasionally hax people's accounts on World of Warcraft)

[edit] Nazis

See: Space Marines

[edit] Russians

See: Imperial Guard

[edit] Vespids

Vaguely reminiscent of the crab people, vespids wear power ranger masks and go to die for the Tau, it is speculated that they are related to lemmings in this way. The Vespids are obviously perverts as they gladly die for vagina faced blue fish people, perhaps the heads of Games Workshop got high, and kind of, wandered of during the production of Vespids, which may be why they, like the Dark Eldar cut peoples hands, also, as they come in only flimsy metal figures, they are difficult to paint and build without ruining or breaking them, an obvious scheme by Games Workshop to squeeze the most money they possibly could out of the tau playing perverts, as every time a player attempts to put a drop of paint on a vespid, it covers half the model in all the places they DON'T want it to, forcing them to buy hundreds of vespid squads since merely by the laws of probability they should get about four painted right, by which point they will be slaves to Games Workshop as they couldn't afford the models any other way, and they will be close to death if not already dead due to the fact it takes four weeks to paint a single model.

[edit] Hrud

A bunch of really ugly midgets whose bones melt when they die, usualy from embarassment that their hideously overpowered, hard-to-aim, and overcomplicated guns don't work as well as a good old-fasioned bullet. For this reason, they usually swipe other people's guns. They can't stand to look at each other, and wear robes 24/7. Games Workshop can't be bothered to make up more rules so they are a mercenary race, also, who would want to play as ugly fucks like the Hrud? You? Damn you're stupid. They are extremely flexible, making them popular with Slaaneshi cultists.

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Warhammer 40k Minor Forces