Wardrobes

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{| style="position:relative; margin: 0 0 0.5em 1em; border-collapse: collapse; float:right; clear:right; width:150px;" border="1" cellpadding="0"
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{{Info/Species
|- style="text-align:center; background: green;"
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|name=Red-Breasted Wardrobe
|'''Wardrobe'''<br><small>'''Conservation status:'''&nbsp;Protected
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|image = Red_wardrobe.jpg
|-
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|size = 250px
| style="text-align:center;" | [[Image:Red_wardrobe.jpg|250px]]<br><small>North American Red-Breasted Wardrobe (''Wardrobius americanus'')</small>
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|caption = <big>'''Conservation status:'''&nbsp;Protected</big>
|- style="text-align:center;"
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|United North American
! style="background: green;" | '''Scientific classification'''
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|Woodus
|- style="text-align:center;"
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|Shelfus
|
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|Cupbordius
{| style="margin:0 auto; text-align:left; background:none;" cellpadding="2"
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|Armorius
|- valign=top
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|Chestus
|Kingdom:||[[Animal|Animalia]]
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| Wardrobius
|- valign=top
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||||
|Phylum:||'''Woodus'''<br><small>[[Shelf|Shelfus]],&nbsp;1953 A.D.</small>
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|}}
|}
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A '''wardrobe''' is a horrible creature of yore known for inhabiting the attics of old professors' homes and eating small children. Wardrobes cause those in and around them to believe they are in a fantastic land fraught with magical peril, an effect theorized to be caused by the mushrooms that grow deep within the wardrobe's usually musty body cavity.
|- style="text-align:center; background: green;"
 
!'''Classes'''
 
|-
 
| style="padding: 0 .5em;" |
 
*True Wardrobes (''Wardrobius'')
 
*Oriental Wardrobes (''W. orientalis'')
 
*Canadian Molofied Wardrobes (''W. canadiansis'')
 
|}
 
A '''wardrobe''' is a horrible creature of yore known for inhabiting the attics of old professors' homes, eating small children, and causing those around it to believe they are in a fantastic land fraught with peril, an effect thought to be caused by the mushrooms that grow within its body cavity.
 
   
==History==
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==From the Beginning==
   
===Discovery===
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In the early 16th century, adventurer Parco Molo set out an epic quest to find, name, and subsequently kill every species of animal in the world. But he never expected to encounter such a terrible monster as the wardrobe. Wardrobes, of course, have existed long before man - possibly even before time. The local tribesmen of the Commonwealth of England had told Molo of such a creature they called "The Royal Wardrobe," or "Great Wardrobe." At the time, Parco dismissed the thought of a seven-story high behemoth that consumed mass amounts of orphans as a mere legend, but it was not. <ref>Samuel Pepys, English naval administrator and Member of Parliament, recorded that a party of orphans sang to [[John Montagu]], the Earl of Sandwich, when he was appointed as Master of the Royal Wardrobe during the English Restoration; but he was unmoved, and the orphans were fed to the wardrobe as sacrifice.</ref> (This massive wardrobe was also used as a storehouse for royal accouterments, housing arms and clothing - among other personal items of the Crown.) <ref>The Royal Wardrobe was destroyed in the [[Great Fire of London]] in [[1666]] and was not rebuilt.</ref>
When adventurer [[Parco Molo]] set out on his epic quest to find, name, and kill every species of animal he encountered on his journey, he never expected to find such a terrible beast as the wardrobe. The local tribesmen had told Molo of such a creature they called ''oko-toko-poncho'', or "he who is always hard like wood", though at the time, he dismissed the thought of a seven-foot high behemoth that is always hard as a mere legend.
 
[[Image:WardrobeSpider.jpg|thumb|left|Don't be fooled by their graceful design and exquisite finish; inside, all wardrobes are killing machines.]]
 
But all his presumptions had been shattered three days later, when he encountered a live wardrobe in the heart of the [[Canada|Canadian]] wilderness. He described the experience as such in his diary:
 
   
"''Dear Diary, today I found the like, the most totally spooky thing in the forest. I guess those natives were right, ''oko-toko-whatever'' is so totally real. The thing looked like a closet, only it like, walked around and wasn't like, stuck to the wall and stuff. Anyway, it attacked my team, and so I had to fight it, and I did, using my mondo bo staff skills, and it like, ran away.''"
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All of Parco's presumptions about the existence of wardrobes were shattered three days later, when he encountered a live wardrobe in the heart of the [[Canada|Canadian]] wilderness. He described his experience as such:
   
A week later when Marco Polo returned from his trip, as well as finding the new form of mints called polo's, he helped design a way of capturing these wardrobes. He was the first person to lay eyes on one of these magnificant creatures. he kept writing stories all about wardrobes like [[The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe]] but later suffered a wardrobe related desease and died two weeks earlier.
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[[Image:WardrobeSpider.jpg|thumb|left|Don't be fooled by their graceful design and exquisite finish; inside, all wardrobes are '''killing machines'''.]]
   
===Public doubt and fascination===
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{{cquote|'' '''Dear Diary:''' Today I found like, the most totally spooky thing in the forest. I guess those natives were right, that ''Royal, Great-whatever'' is so totally real. The thing looked like a closet, only it like, walked around! And it wasn't stuck to the wall and stuff. Anyway, it attacked me and my team, so I had to fight it - and I did - using my mondo bo staff skills, and the beast ran away.''}}
When rumors surfaced of a 200-pound giant that is always hard stalking the jungles of Canada, people had different reactions. Some met Molo's accounts with skepticism, claiming that no such creature exists and that Molo had simply gotten high with the tribespeople and hallucinated. Still, a number of expeditions were carried out into the Canadian wilderness and other adjoining lands to track down this legendary beast. Among the naturalists to find evidence for the existence of the wardrobe was Nigel Thornberry, who brought back a sample of the creature's flesh, proclaiming: "Indeed, the meat is always hard."
 
   
==Conservation==
+
A week later, when Parco Molo returned from his trip, he helped design a way of recreating these wardrobes in a miniature pet version. He was the first person to kill one of these magnificant creatures, as well as discover a new form of breathmint called Rolo Polo's. <ref>He also wrote stories about wardrobes, like ''The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe''.</ref>
[[Image:Attic_habitat.jpg|frame|right|Contrary to popular belief, wardrobes did not originate in hazy, cinderblock-encrusted attics like these.]]
 
Currently, wardrobes are protected by federal and state authorities, due to the drastic decline in population over the last half of the 20th century. Some blame this decline on the encroachment of the wardrobes' natural habitat by humans to build their sick luxuries: hospitals, schools, orphanages. Though most just blame those [[kitten huffing]] [[Republican]]s.
 
   
Whatever the case may be, it has become clear in recent years that wardrobes are becoming the biggest threat to the Western hemisphere since [[Eminem]]. With more and more wardrobes leaving the hustle-and-bustle of jungle life to find peace in the quiet tranquility of countrysides and old men's attics, there are few places humans can call home without having to share with the constantly hard beasts. At first they were simply a nuisance, but as time passed, it became obvious that something had to be done when one wardrobe managed to suck up the entire town of [[Omaha]], Nebraska, though it was not realized until three months after the actual incident because [[nobody]] cares about Omaha, Nebraska.
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===Public Doubt and Fascination===
[[Image:Furniture4.jpg|200px|thumb|left|Some species of wardrobe hunt in packs.]]
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{{Wikipediapar|Wardrobe|Wardrobes}}
===The Battle of Drobe-Flux Creek===
 
Fearing for their lives, America, Canada, Mexico, and [[The Land Before Time]] joined forces to stop the wardrobe menace before it became too late. Together, they built (well, the Mexicans mostly built it) the Drobe-Flux Generator, a machine which delivered a subsonic frequency to draw all wardrobes into its three-mile radius. Once the wardrobes were in range, Phase 2 was to be carried out. Armed with a small militia, the Canadians were to shoot flaming arrows at the coming swarm while the Americans enjoyed a fresh cup of Maxwell House, and the Land-Before-Time-ians still attempted to catch up with the Mexicans.
 
   
But it did not go as planned. While the wardrobes suffered fewer than 14 casualties, the Americans (and those other guys) lost 50,000 (and about 970,000,000 of the other assorted nationalities). In the end, the Battle of Drobe-Flux Creek was a disaster, but it did get rid of those annoying Canadians once and for all.
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[[Image:Attic_habitat.jpg|thumb|right|300px|Contrary to popular belief, wardrobes did not originate in '''hazy, cinderblock-encrusted attics''' like this. This is where they go to die.]]
[[Image:Wardrobe_open.gif|thumb|right| Behold, the fearsome Arctic wardrobe bearing its fangs.]]
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  +
When rumors surfaced of a 200-pound maple giant that was out stalking the jungles of Canada, many different people had mixed reactions. Some met Molo's accounts with skepticism, claiming that no such creature existed, and that Molo had simply gotten high with the tribespeople and hallucinated. Still, a number of expeditions were carried out into the Canadian wilderness (and other adjoining lands) to track down this legendary beast. Among the first naturalists to find evidence for the existence of wardrobes was Nigel Thornberry, who brought back a sample of the creature's flesh, proclaiming: "Indeed, the meat is always hard."
  +
  +
===That Darn Narnian Law===
  +
  +
At the turn of the century, Duke Lumley, Archbishop of Lincoln Cavalier, announced that he hated the word "closet," and ordered that all closets in the kingdom should be changed to "wardrobes." This did not last long, however, as stupid infidels kept calling them closets. Action needed to be taken, so parliament passed a 'Narnian' law in 1894 declaring that all wardrobes were to be equipped with at ''least'' one [[Witch]], one [[Lion]] and a host of fairytail creatures, ready to attack any who dare call it a closet. Even so, only 10% of Americans know what a proper wardrobe is. <ref>There is a magical land behind the wardrobe doors, a small universe. But what most people fail to realize is that this land is only about 2" by 5" and mostly full of old, miscellaneous socks.</ref>
  +
  +
[[Image:Wardrobe_open.gif|thumb|left| Behold: the fearsome '''Arctic wardrobe''' bearing its fangs.]]
  +
  +
===Conservation===
  +
  +
Currently, wardrobes are protected by federal and state authorities, due to the drastic decline in population over the last half of the 20th century. Some blame this decline on the encroachment of the wardrobes' natural habitat by humans to build their hospitals, schools, orphanages, etc. Some blame Conservatives and hippie recyclers who reuse old wardrobe flesh as firewood. But most just blame those radical [[Liberal]]s, with their non-traditional storage solutions.
  +
  +
[[Image:Furniture4.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Some species of wardrobe hunt in '''packs or gangs'''.]]
   
 
==Anatomy==
 
==Anatomy==
If you believe in all that [[Charles Darwin]]y [[evolution|evolutionary stuff]], then you probably know that wardrobes evolved from a giant subspecies of prehistoric creatures known as "cupboards" (''Cupboardus maximus''), which in turn had evolved from "shelves" (''Shelfus flatboardius''). Nowadays, both these creatures are extinct. The last reported sighting of a shelf occurred outside [[Fort Worth]], Texas on January 17th, 1953.
 
   
Wardrobes belong to the ''wardrobius'' genus, so they tend to have a squarish body structure that encompasses a large body cavity that may be filled with "[[kitten huffing|huffable]]" mushrooms and odd ridges lined with the items the wardrobe has collected through suction and during its travels.
+
If you believe in all that [[Charles Darwin]]y [[evolution|evolutionary stuff]], then you probably already know that wardrobes evolved from a giant subspecies of prehistoric creatures known as "cupboards" (''Cupboardus maximus''), which in turn had evolved from "shelves" (''Shelfus flatboardius''). Nowadays, both these creatures are extinct, thus they are considered [[dinosaurs]] to wardrobes.
   
Because cupboards and shelves are extinct, they are considered [[dinosaurs]], as are wardrobes.
+
==References==
  +
<references/>
   
  +
[[Category:Furniture]]
 
[[Category:Animals]]
 
[[Category:Animals]]
 
[[Category:Dinosaurs]]
 
[[Category:Dinosaurs]]

Revision as of 06:38, May 6, 2011

Red-Breasted Wardrobe

Red wardrobe
Conservation status: Protected
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: United North American
Phylum: Woodus
Class: Shelfus
Order: Cupbordius
Family: Armorius
Genus: Chestus
Species: Wardrobius

A wardrobe is a horrible creature of yore known for inhabiting the attics of old professors' homes and eating small children. Wardrobes cause those in and around them to believe they are in a fantastic land fraught with magical peril, an effect theorized to be caused by the mushrooms that grow deep within the wardrobe's usually musty body cavity.

From the Beginning

In the early 16th century, adventurer Parco Molo set out an epic quest to find, name, and subsequently kill every species of animal in the world. But he never expected to encounter such a terrible monster as the wardrobe. Wardrobes, of course, have existed long before man - possibly even before time. The local tribesmen of the Commonwealth of England had told Molo of such a creature they called "The Royal Wardrobe," or "Great Wardrobe." At the time, Parco dismissed the thought of a seven-story high behemoth that consumed mass amounts of orphans as a mere legend, but it was not. [1] (This massive wardrobe was also used as a storehouse for royal accouterments, housing arms and clothing - among other personal items of the Crown.) [2]

All of Parco's presumptions about the existence of wardrobes were shattered three days later, when he encountered a live wardrobe in the heart of the Canadian wilderness. He described his experience as such:

WardrobeSpider

Don't be fooled by their graceful design and exquisite finish; inside, all wardrobes are killing machines.

Cquote1 Dear Diary: Today I found like, the most totally spooky thing in the forest. I guess those natives were right, that Royal, Great-whatever is so totally real. The thing looked like a closet, only it like, walked around! And it wasn't stuck to the wall and stuff. Anyway, it attacked me and my team, so I had to fight it - and I did - using my mondo bo staff skills, and the beast ran away. Cquote2

A week later, when Parco Molo returned from his trip, he helped design a way of recreating these wardrobes in a miniature pet version. He was the first person to kill one of these magnificant creatures, as well as discover a new form of breathmint called Rolo Polo's. [3]

Public Doubt and Fascination

Bouncywikilogo6
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Wardrobes.
Attic habitat

Contrary to popular belief, wardrobes did not originate in hazy, cinderblock-encrusted attics like this. This is where they go to die.

When rumors surfaced of a 200-pound maple giant that was out stalking the jungles of Canada, many different people had mixed reactions. Some met Molo's accounts with skepticism, claiming that no such creature existed, and that Molo had simply gotten high with the tribespeople and hallucinated. Still, a number of expeditions were carried out into the Canadian wilderness (and other adjoining lands) to track down this legendary beast. Among the first naturalists to find evidence for the existence of wardrobes was Nigel Thornberry, who brought back a sample of the creature's flesh, proclaiming: "Indeed, the meat is always hard."

That Darn Narnian Law

At the turn of the century, Duke Lumley, Archbishop of Lincoln Cavalier, announced that he hated the word "closet," and ordered that all closets in the kingdom should be changed to "wardrobes." This did not last long, however, as stupid infidels kept calling them closets. Action needed to be taken, so parliament passed a 'Narnian' law in 1894 declaring that all wardrobes were to be equipped with at least one Witch, one Lion and a host of fairytail creatures, ready to attack any who dare call it a closet. Even so, only 10% of Americans know what a proper wardrobe is. [4]

Wardrobe open

Behold: the fearsome Arctic wardrobe bearing its fangs.

Conservation

Currently, wardrobes are protected by federal and state authorities, due to the drastic decline in population over the last half of the 20th century. Some blame this decline on the encroachment of the wardrobes' natural habitat by humans to build their hospitals, schools, orphanages, etc. Some blame Conservatives and hippie recyclers who reuse old wardrobe flesh as firewood. But most just blame those radical Liberals, with their non-traditional storage solutions.

Furniture4

Some species of wardrobe hunt in packs or gangs.

Anatomy

If you believe in all that Charles Darwiny evolutionary stuff, then you probably already know that wardrobes evolved from a giant subspecies of prehistoric creatures known as "cupboards" (Cupboardus maximus), which in turn had evolved from "shelves" (Shelfus flatboardius). Nowadays, both these creatures are extinct, thus they are considered dinosaurs to wardrobes.

References

  1. Samuel Pepys, English naval administrator and Member of Parliament, recorded that a party of orphans sang to John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich, when he was appointed as Master of the Royal Wardrobe during the English Restoration; but he was unmoved, and the orphans were fed to the wardrobe as sacrifice.
  2. The Royal Wardrobe was destroyed in the Great Fire of London in 1666 and was not rebuilt.
  3. He also wrote stories about wardrobes, like The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
  4. There is a magical land behind the wardrobe doors, a small universe. But what most people fail to realize is that this land is only about 2" by 5" and mostly full of old, miscellaneous socks.
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