Wardrobes

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Red-Breasted Wardrobe

Red wardrobe
Conservation status: Protected
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: United North American
Phylum: Woodus
Class: Shelfus
Order: Cupbordius
Family: Armorius
Genus: Chestus
Species: Wardrobius

A wardrobe is a horrible creature of yore known for inhabiting the attics of old professors' homes and eating small children. Wardrobes cause those in and around them to believe they are in a fantastic land fraught with magical peril, an effect theorized to be caused by the mushrooms that grow deep within the wardrobe's usually musty body cavity.

edit From the Beginning

In the early 16th century, adventurer Parco Molo set out an epic quest to find, name, and subsequently kill every species of animal in the world. But he never expected to encounter such a terrible monster as the wardrobe. Wardrobes, of course, have existed long before man - possibly even before time. The local tribesmen of the Commonwealth of England had told Molo of such a creature they called "The Royal Wardrobe," or "Great Wardrobe." At the time, Parco dismissed the thought of a seven-story high behemoth that consumed mass amounts of orphans as a mere legend, but it was not. [1] (This massive wardrobe was also used as a storehouse for royal accouterments, housing arms and clothing - among other personal items of the Crown.) [2]

All of Parco's presumptions about the existence of wardrobes were shattered three days later, when he encountered a live wardrobe in the heart of the Canadian wilderness. He described his experience as such:

WardrobeSpider

Don't be fooled by their graceful design and exquisite finish; inside, all wardrobes are killing machines.

Cquote1 Dear Diary: Today I found like, the most totally spooky thing in the forest. I guess those natives were right, that Royal, Great-whatever is so totally real. The thing looked like a closet, only it like, walked around! And it wasn't stuck to the wall and stuff. Anyway, it attacked me and my team, so I had to fight it - and I did - using my mondo bo staff skills, and the beast ran away. Cquote2

A week later, when Parco Molo returned from his trip, he helped design a way of recreating these wardrobes in a miniature pet version. He was the first person to kill one of these magnificant creatures, as well as discover a new form of breathmint called Rolo Polo's. [3]

edit Public Doubt and Fascination

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Wardrobes.
Attic habitat

Contrary to popular belief, wardrobes did not originate in hazy, cinderblock-encrusted attics like this. This is where they go to die.

When rumors surfaced of a 200-pound maple giant that was out stalking the jungles of Canada, many different people had mixed reactions. Some met Molo's accounts with skepticism, claiming that no such creature existed, and that Molo had simply gotten high with the tribespeople and hallucinated. Still, a number of expeditions were carried out into the Canadian wilderness (and other adjoining lands) to track down this legendary beast. Among the first naturalists to find evidence for the existence of wardrobes was Nigel Thornberry, who brought back a sample of the creature's flesh, proclaiming: "Indeed, the meat is always hard."

edit That Darn Narnian Law

At the turn of the century, Duke Lumley, Archbishop of Lincoln Cavalier, announced that he hated the word "closet," and ordered that all closets in the kingdom should be changed to "wardrobes." This did not last long however, as stupid infidels kept calling them closets. Action needed to be taken, so parliament passed a 'Narnian' law in 1894 declaring that all wardrobes were to be equipped with at least one Witch, one Lion and a host of fairytail creatures, ready to attack any who dare call it a closet. Even so, only 10% of Americans know what a proper wardrobe is. [4]

Wardrobe open

Behold: the fearsome Arctic wardrobe bearing its fangs.

edit Conservation

Currently, wardrobes are protected by federal and state authorities, due to the drastic decline in population over the last half of the 20th century. Some blame this decline on the encroachment of the wardrobes' natural habitat by humans to build their hospitals, schools, orphanages, etc. Some blame Conservatives and hippie recyclers who reuse old wardrobe flesh as firewood. But most just blame those radical Liberals, with their non-traditional storage solutions.

Furniture4

Some species of wardrobe hunt in packs or gangs.

edit Anatomy

If you believe in all that Charles Darwiny evolutionary stuff, then you probably already know that wardrobes evolved from a giant subspecies of prehistoric creatures known as "cupboards" (Cupboardus maximus), which in turn had evolved from "shelves" (Shelfus flatboardius). Nowadays, both these creatures are extinct, thus they are considered dinosaurs to wardrobes.

edit References

  1. Samuel Pepys, English naval administrator and Member of Parliament, recorded that a party of orphans sang to John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich, when he was appointed as Master of the Royal Wardrobe during the English Restoration; but he was unmoved, and the orphans were fed to the wardrobe as sacrifice.
  2. The Royal Wardrobe was destroyed in the Great Fire of London in 1666 and was not rebuilt.
  3. He also wrote stories about wardrobes, like The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
  4. There is a magical land behind the wardrobe doors, a small universe. But what most people fail to realize is that this land is only about 2" by 5" and mostly full of old, miscellaneous socks.
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