War on Tourism

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The enemy. President of the ICT.

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“Mass Tourism is the worst thing to happen to Earth since rape was legalized in Saskatoon
~ Oscar Wilde on Tourism


“We shall tour on the seas and oceans and in the air, we shall tour in tropical climates, we shall tour on the beaches, we shall tour the museums, we shall tour in the fields and in the streets, we shall tour the hills; we shall never, never surrender!

~ ICT President on Tourism


The War on Tourism, occasionally the War on Tourerism, is a global war against the influence of mass tourism world wide. In many cultures, mass tourism poses a real danger to the traditional -- and often medieval -- values and traditions.

In a country like Egypt, the War on Tourism involves placing bombs in Tourist areas and shooting at tourist buses with guns and rockets.

One famous tourist is Osama bin Laden. Originally from Saudi Arabia, he visited Afghanistan as an USA-financed tourist and decided to stay there for many years. This was reason for the USA to mass bomb the country, which in theory was a great solution to kill one single tourist. However, it did not kill enough people, according to critics.

Recently, the American presidential administration has decided to change the term War on Tourism to something a little more boring and scientific. Thus was born the Struggle against Going Somewhere Other Than Where You Live Sometimes (SAGSOTWYLS). The media has adopted it with fervor, and people who Go Somewhere Other Than Where They Live Sometimes are continually hunted around the globe.

edit International Coalition for Tourists

The Internation Coalition for Tourists (ICT) has fought back with petitions, demonstrations, and war. Demonstrations happen wherever the tourists are (which is just about everywhere). The Traveler's Army (TA), a sector of the ICT, recruits tourists from around the world to counter the War on Tourism. Not just do they fight, but they get to visit the areas of the world where their battles take place. The ICT has tee-shirts that say "I love tourism". The United Nations has demanded a truce between tourists and the rest of the sane world. Peace talks between the President of the ICT, Bill A. Cock and the UN have been slowly going no where. In the winter of 2008 talks broke down when the Canadian and American sectors of the TA travelled to warm and sunny Cancun Mexico.

edit ICT Structure

Major divisions of the ICT:

  • Commonwealth Travelers Army (CTA):
    • Australian Travelers Army
    • Canadian Travelers Army
    • New Zealand Travelers Army
    • South African Travelers Army
  • American Travelers Army
  • French Travelers Army
  • German Travelers Army
    • Dutch Travelers Army
  • African Travelers Army
  • East Asian Travelers Army
  • Russian Travelers Army

edit History

Mass tourism was invented in 1954 when half the population of Canada discovered Mexico and how cheap that country was. Tourism started out with more and more citizens of one country traveling to other, usually poorer countries, to buy cheap stuff. It quickly turned out that tourists began travelling for other reasons such as warm climates, funny/stupid cultures, historic places and beautiful scenery. At first nations that saw large amounts of tourists enjoyed the economic advantage but soon changed their views when they realized how annoying tourists can be. Tensions quickly escalated and on May 3 1962 Oscar Wilde declared war on tourism.

The United Nations condemned the declaration of war and demanded no action to be taken on both sides of the conflict.

edit 1999 Mass Tourist Deportation

On October 22 1999 1,239 French and American tourists were rounded up in Mexico, Panama and Costa Rica. The three countries had spent months planning and early in the morning of the 22nd locals burst into hotel rooms with spears and bow-n-arrows and took the tourists, put on a large barge and deported them out to sea. 2 Frenchmen died when they attempted to resist. The ICT released a statement the following day condemning these actions.

edit Tourists Counter Attack

In late September of 2002 the Australian Travelers Army (a section of the ICT) launched a counter attack in Vietnam to the 1999 mass tourist deportation. Using the former tunnels of Vietnam, used by the NVA during the Vietnam war, the Aussie tourists led an attack on the capital, Ha Noi. Using the flashes on their cameras they quickly annoyed the piss out of the locals. The attack was carefully planned for Vietnam due to the fact that Vietnamese people get very annoyed by non Asian foreigners. The attack lasted 11 hours with 34 Vietnamese residents flashed to death. The TA lost only 7 tourists when the Vietnamese army and police ran them over with tanks.

edit International Reaction

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On behalf of the sane world, Willy Wonka has five words to describe the conflict .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

edit Tourist season

In most countries, there will be one or more designated tourist seasons where it is lawful to hunt and kill tourists. Requirements to obtain a hunting license and gun permit are often waived, depending on the country and the level of tourist infestation in the area. It is best to contact game wardens; some jurisdictions impose a bag limit on the number of tourists while others offer a bounty to encourage hunters to cull the herd in areas where tourists have become pests or threaten the local environment.

The use of bait, such as gambling halls or tacky souvenir shops, is effective in trapping tourists but is frowned upon by some sportspersons as disruptive to the natural habitat.

edit How to identify tourists

One universal aspect of all tourists worldwide is that they will back up sewers, reverse street signs and steal everyones left shoe. However the typical tourist will also have any or all of the following:

  • Camera constantly around neck
  • American accent
  • Passport
  • Hawaiian shirt (except in Hawaii)
  • Shorts in all climates
  • Safari hat with sunglasses
  • Traveler's checks
  • Sunblock
  • Map
  • Fanny pack / Bum Bag
  • Canadian Maple Leaf sticker on suitcase/ backpack
  • Bottled water
  • Intolerance of foreign cultures
  • In the case of British tourists, the strong desire to eat only fish&chips, steak and curry.
Tourist-season

Anti-Tourist Leaflet

edit What people say about The War on Tourism

“If Hawaiian shirts are illegal, only tourists will have Hawaiian shirts.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tourism

"We have nothing to fear but Japanese businessmen with 15 cameras."

~ Winston Churchill on Acid

"Gives whole new meaning to the phrase 'Tourist Trap'".

~ Mark Twain on Afghanistan

edit Tiki God AKA *The Core Mind*

Bothan Central Intelligence uncovered a shockingly sodomistic secret [alliteration] about the Tourists. The mindless and self-involved race of people are controlled by a "Core Mind", the Tiki God. This central consciousness forces its minions into slavery and bondage, through the seductive promise of "nick-nacks" and several "paddy-whacks", more or less. "Fusion" with the "Core Mind" usually occurs in the pre-pubescent years of the average drone.

...that is all.

"Many bothans have died for this information" ~ Howie Mandel, on Ord Mantell, in reference to the discovery of the Tiki God

"Fusing with The Core Mind is no walk in the park, in fact it is just the opposite... almost like a walk through a pre-school playground at recess while that older boy from third grade chases you around with a dog-doo stick [+1 avoidance]" ~ Oscar Wilde

edit See also

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