War of Rock

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THÏS ÄRTÏCLË RÄẄKS Höẅëvër, ït nëëds mörë ümläüts.

“I became greatly disgusted when KISS first ran onto the battlefield...KISS suck.”

~ Oscar Wilde on KISS's brief and ill advised foray into the War of Rock

The War of Rock (1970 - ???) was a war for the-greatest-publicity-ever-in-the-history-of-rock (man!) during the early 21st Century. Famous soldiers in the war include John Frusciante, Dave Grohl, KISS, Alice Cooper, Oderus Urungus, Beefcake the Mighty, The Beatles, Deep Purple and Jack Black. The fight was between the Loyalists and the "New Rocking Order", and the war lasted for 4 years.

[edit] The Beginning of the War

The War was caused by a great argument between Rockers' of two different factions. The Loyalist rockers, the most famous being John Frusciante of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Grohl of Nirvana and the Foo Fighters, The Strokes, had grown a guitar smashing hatred against new modern punk,pop/rock, indie, emo,nu-metal, and other bands who dare deem themselves as "Rock". These "rockers" called themselves the "New Rocking Order", the most famous member of the "faction" being McFly, Fall out Boy Limp Bizkit, My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park. The argument started when Jack Black announced to the public that he believed the "New Rocking Order" to be "Homosexual Loser Pigmies, who couldn't Rock like Dio, who rocked for a long long time..." Many believed the Jack Black was talking bull again, as usual, but the "New Rocking Order" took a dislike to the statement. The war soon began.

[edit] Getting 'Dirrty' on the Battlefield

On the first battle, Yoda decided to fight alongside the Loyalist forces, but he soon fled after he heard the painful sound of McFly (McFly: Westlife with guitars. They suck and need to be shot). Yoda is famously quoted as saying, "Leave, I must. Very bad, the sound of McFly is. Crying, my ears are."

In this battle, Red Hot Chili Peppers Loyalists John Frusciante and Flea famously defeated the then leader of the "New Rocking Order" McFly (causing them to split and form separate pop bands). Legend has it they broke them down by having Frusciante play Under The Bridge and Flea play Give It Away, two famous Chili Peppers songs simultaniously using their legendary Guitar Guns.

It also must be noted that "The New Rocking Order"'s Korn managed to incapacitate Jack Black during the opening battle.

During the first few battles, Eddie from Iron Maiden killed every member of Franz Ferdinand, Funeral for a Friend and Korn using his bare zombie hands. Funeral for a Friend are said to have cried and slit all of their wrists when they saw him going at Alex Kapranos' neck (they all have a severe crush on him, to the extent that the fueds they have over Kapranos are threatening to break them up), like the emos they are. Another "New Rocking Order" "band", Panic! At The Disco copied them as they thought that it was the new emo 'thing to do'. These battles did not leave Iron Maiden unscarred though, for the throbbing bass of Korn permanently shrunk Eddie, which would prove critical in Iron Maiden's face off with The Strokes.

The whole time during these opening battles Bono of U2 could be heard making desperate pleas for peace which everyone ignored simply because they thought he was just whining about the plight of African countries. Bono was later mercilessly slaughtered by Fred Durst for ignoring his "Jumping Starfish Theory", which was just a rip-off of Linkin Park's more famous and scientifically accurate "Hybrid Theory".

[edit] New Rocking Order Rock Back

While the opening battles were clearly going in favor of the Loyalist forces, Fred Durst's defeat of Bono inspired the "New Rocking Order", swaying the war. The Strokes were the first to take up the initiative, with an attack on Iron Maiden, who had been very successful in the opening battles. Their had a simple and very straightforward plan of attack overwhelmed Eddie and his men, who had planned for a much more complicated and drawn out battle.

Metallica who were devastated by the destruction of their metal brothers, Iron Maiden, attempted a counterattack on The White Stripes, attacking them in their homeland Detroit. Details of this battle are very scarce as the frequency of the guitar guns used was so great that it destroyed all of Detroit and thus many of the witnesses of the carnage were killed. Many of the surviving witnesses are also permantly traumatized. Most War Of Rock historians agree that Jack White's variation in pitch sent sonic waves out so devastating, everything was blown away except for Lars Ulrich whose following attack overwhelmed Meg White. Legend has it that he hit his drums so hard that it shook the earth, scientists later found that the moon was launched out of orbit as a side effect of Ulrich's fierce assult. The final result of the battle is recorded in favor of The White Stripes, due to Metallica's slow implosion during the battle. However both bands were so devastated by the titanic battle that neither were able to continue as bands in the war. Only Jack White fought on; as a solo mercenary for the "New Rocking Order".

[edit] Grohl the Merciless Enters The Fray

On the 2nd year of Battles, Dave Grohl joined the Loyalist forces, and gained the title of 'Grohl the Merciless' among fellow Rockers. During the War, inspired by the ghost of Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl managed to split up many "bands" of the "New Rocking Order", including the remaining members of My Chemical Romance, Panic! At The Disco and Enter Shikari. Eventually these "bands" rejoined with the names My Chemical Emotion, Panic! For The Emos and Emo Shitkari, all of whom today still fear that 'Grohl the Merciless' will one day come back and beat the hell out of them with his drumsticks. Then for some reason, James Brown decided he wanted in on this shit but soon opted out when John Frusciante through used his old syringes at him. Dave Grohl's Guitar Gun is currently displayed in the Legendary Museum of Legends.

[edit] Jimi Hendrix and King Crimson appear and the End of the War

Just when it seemed that the war would never end, the ghost of Jimi Hendrix was summoned to the Battlefield by the black magic of King Crimson on the 16th of October, 2014. The ghost of Jimi and a reunited original line-up of King Crimson then played an immense concert to both sides of Rockers, causing all of the poser Emo "rockers" to cry. The concert lasted for 25 days, 24 and a half days of it being an improvised guitar duet by Robert Fripp and Jimi. The concert attracted millions from around the world, and it even rivalled that of Woodstock. At the end of the concert, they preformed a song that was a meddley of "Purple Haze" and "21st Century Schizoid Man" that caused all the false rockers to aspolde. Straight afterwards they all took the stage and performed While My Guitar Gently Weeps together, a song written originally by The Beatles.

“The performance by Jimi Hendrix of Voodoo Child was in fact orgasmic...”

~ Stephen Fry on Jimi Hendrix rocking his face.

[edit] After the War

Today both sides of Rockers carry many wounds and scars from the war, including bleeding ears, deafness, slit wrists (a method used by the Emo rockers) and teardrop tattoos. Some of the Loyalists suffered extreme absesses on their arms, but whether those are actually caused by the war or by hanging out with Frusciante still remains a mystery. Rockers have also written songs about this great war, examples being The Trooper by Iron Maiden, Starship Trooper by Yes (who watched the entire fiasco from the Mir Space Station) and Us and Them by Pink Floyd. Inspired by his guitarist's and his bassist's actions in the first battle, Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis tried to write a song about it but ended up writing just another song about his many marathon sexcapades with underaged girls.

Many years after the War of Rock ended, the far worse and more widespread Rock Wars of 2050 began.

[edit] Weapons of the War

It is widely known that the main weapon used in the War of Rock was the Guitar Gun, famously produced by Epigun. Loyalist forces tended to use the Stratocaster and Les Paul versions of the weapon, while the "New Rocking Order" tended to use the Flying-V version.

The Loyalists faction was given a great advantage in being able to wield the 12 shot version of the Guitar Gun, a feat the "New Rocking Order" was incapable of doing efficently due to their general n00bness.

Unfortunately many of the soldiers weilding the 4 shot 'bass' version of the Guitar Gun were seriously injured and largely ineffective as soldiers. This was put down to the inability to create the really deadly and ear splitting high range sound waves that could be created with the 6 string and 12 string versions. However they were exceptionally useful for immobilising enemies with the amazingly low-frequency sounds (none of the enemy could move due to vibrating genitals). The only exceptions to this were the Red Hot Chili Peppers bass soldier Flea who is attributed to provide amazing backup to John Frusciante particularly in the first battle, managing to attack Jon Walker of Panic! For The Emos single-handedly. Cliff Burton, the original bass soldier of Metallica, took out herds of enemies with his massive skill by pulling their teeth with no anesthesia, but died when a bus fell on top of him. Geezer Butler, a top colonel in the ranks of bass players, also survived due to his paralysis of the mallcore division of the New Rocking Order attempting to overwhelm him. Also, Les Claypool of Primus managed to asplode all members of the Red Jump Suit Apperatus with a rendition of 'Tommy the Cat', but got bored and went fishing with Larry Lerlonde instead. And Chris Squire of Yes also caused hordes of enemies to asplode by turning the Treble all the way up on his amp and actually playing a different melody than the rest of his band. Very famous is his bass solo on Heart of the Sunrise, during which, according to legend, he single-handedly destroyed 654340958322 members of the New Rocking Order.

The amplifier of choice for both sides was the Marshall 120 watt, usually decorated with a Band Logo. McFly's amplifier committed suicide by short-circuiting itself within the first 2 weeks of the war as it couldn't cope with their disgraceful musical talents. This happened when it heard Tony Levin play his bass and realized that the New Rocking Order was just a sad bunch of posers pretending to play Rock & Roll.

Although Drum Kits were used as weapons, they were seen as 'inefficient'. The exceptions of this were Lars Ulrich, Dave Grohl but above all John Bonham and Ian Paice. Ian Paice even managed to drum on the heads of Tokio Hotel (who only survived 1 minute in the war due to their shitty contribution to MTV) .

It also appears the U.S.S. Jimi Hendrix played part as the main stage for many battles, and helped the Loyalists achieve total victory every time it participated.

[edit] And as Usual...

Progressive Rock was completely ignored by both the Loyalists and the "New Rocking Order", but neither did the progressive rockers care. They were all too busy contemplating the Universe, The Meaning Of Life and Everything and exploring the musical implications of playing a guitar in 13/4 time, while Bill Bruford simultaneously drummed in 67.555/2356 time.

One exception was the highly decorated Captain D. V. Beefheart, whose innovative use of magic caused the cloth-eared warriors of commercial rock on both sides to "bow-down-under-the-weight-of-the-avant-garde-or-die!". Many members of the "New Rocking Order" died. Another, much more important exception was the Almighty Ruler of prog-rockers and prog rock, King Crimson, who took part in the final battle alongside Jimi Hendrix, in which the "New Rocking Order" was defeated once and for all.