Wapanese

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“I think I'm turning Japanese.....I really think so.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Wapanese

“Wapanese” (also known as "Weeaboos" and "Cosplaya-san") are decidedly white and (or) any other race; individuals who, by means of thoroughly warped postmodern acculturation processes, have come to the decision that it is in their best interest to act as if they were denizens of the nation of Japan. The term “wapanese” can be accurately thought of as an analog to wigger. A whitey can be classified as a “Wapanese” if they are in possession of two or more of the following defining traits:

1. They worship at the feet of the goddess Ayumi Hamasaki and pray for her to deliver them to the promised land of the rising sun.

2. Has an unhealthy obsession with anime, particularly anime intended for a young audience (see Pokemon, Sailor Moon, and Yu-Gi-Oh!). They also live under the belief that all Western animation is garbage and every piece of it, from Steamboat Willie to The Incredibles was copied from some obscure anime only 3 (or possibly less) people saw.

3. Operates under the belief that every aspect of American culture is vastly inferior to that of Japan’s—even though 99.9% of Wapanese have never had firsthand experience of any sort with their preferred culture (in other words, they’ve never set so much as one foot upon the island(s) of Japan).

4. Halfheartedly studies Japanese language and/or is a part-time practitioner of martial arts. For "practitioner," read "watcher of TV," as both are essentially the same to the Wapanese in this case.

5. Repeatedly tries to mix Japanese words in English speech or use "Engrish" to sound either cute or funny, but comes off as an annoying asshole praying to get his or her ass kicked.

6. Has a sword

A wapanese in Japan. Note : the two Japanese businessmen are really talking trash about the said Wapanese..

8. May be afflicted with a terminal case of yellow fever; however, they constantly fail in their quest for Japanese poontang.

9. Wears an anime costume (known as cosplay) on any time other than Halloween.

10. Has an undying hatred of all other Asian cultures, especially Chinese, Tibetans, Filipinos and Koreans.

12. Calls anyone that criticizes any aspect of Japan as "racist", even though everyone knows you can only be racist against black people.

Typical punishment for being Wapanese

Interestingly, Wapanese are generally thought of as “failures” and rejects within their own culture. Social scientists, such as myself, speculate that it was their failure to gain acceptance within their own culture than has lead many a white geek to seek out Japan’s culture as a surrogate; however, they’d be shattered to know that the insular and somewhat racist Japanese society would be even less accepting of them than the people of their true and native culture.

[edit] Treatment

If you suspect your friend of being Wapanese, don't panic. There are possible treatments for this problem:

1. Kill Them: A dead Wapanese is a good Wapanese. A lead pipe to the base of the skull is a sure fire way to get them down. Afterwards, a chainsaw can be used to deliver the much deserved mutilation. Mutilation is necessary for preventing them from becoming Wapanese zombies (or at least preventing said zombies from being able to move).

2. Blinding: Being highly superficial creatures, the Wapanese only value things on a face basis. If they can no longer see their beloved mangas or subtitled animes, they will be forced to listen to American entertainment. Disguise the effort by imitating the Three Stooges and jab out their peepers.

3. Introduction: Have the afflicted Wapanese meet someone from the culture so fully worshipped. Undoubtedly, they will make a total ass of themselves from their misinformed notions about Japan and will be shamed back in to "regular" behavior. Note: aim to find a Japanese male. If you find a Japanese chick, you will want to keep her for yourself.

4. HIV: If the Wapanese is inflicted with the life-ending virus, they will be forced to re-evaluate their life. This will cause them to realize that anime is not everything. If at all possible, try not to be to the one that passes it on to them. Bribe a cheap hooker instead.

5. Assassination: The death of their idol, Ayumi Hamasaki, will shatter their tiny world. There is the dilemma with figuring out how to kill an immortal being, which may be more of a predicament than the initial issue of fixing your friend. You know what, screw it. Try something else.

6. Garlic: Reputed for its curative abilities of dreaded horrors, a clove should be forced down the afflicted's throat daily for five years, twice for a full moon. This technique is also handy if you suspect them of being a vampire or an emo (or an emo vampire if you're unlucky enough). A stake through the heart or pushing them into sunlight is also highly recommended, though it will only anger them or possibly get them to shut up.

7. Kill Them Again: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

8. Force Them to Emigrate to England: here people have been practicing making total assholes of themselves for thousands of years, so the Wapanese will blend right in.

[edit] Were the Nazis Wapanese?

Many people believe, for obvious reasons, that the relationship between the Empire and the Reich to be a of pure necessity. However, further investigations into the Third Reich show that their relationship was much closer than previously accepted.

In fact, an important founder is none-other than one Karl Haushofer, geostratician, sorcerer and BDSM enthusiast who had the idea of forcing the Axis to include Japan. It is said that Haushofer intended on eventually creating a Eurasian super-empire between Germany and Japan under Commie-Nazism, with it's capital in Mongolia, or Tibet (an area generally called by both parties "Shambhala"). The Japanese are so grateful to him (a rare status for most Wapanese) that he even appears as a character in the series Full Metal Alchemist

Another interesting character is Col. Arthur Kroenen: A Ninja, crazy masochist who cut off his own eyelids and lips (probably castrated himself as well--although we're still waiting for confirmation of that from his British boyfriend), possibly Goth, and apparently, a closet Wapanese (in fact, his arm blades are based upon something from Japan). Did I also mention he is a cyborg who has a thing for zentai outfits?

It is said that Churchhill (a Nazi-wannabe) and Tojo had a very interesting relationship as well (often in Haushofer's haus).

Incidentally, many Japanese are in fact Nazis, many even dying their hair blond and wearing blue contacts (they are planning on genetically engineering this into future generations), and where the spearhead for the shocking Asian Nazi movement, made popular on Maury Povich "Help! My Adopted Daughter is a Nazi!" episode. They are said to write more books about Jewish conspiracies than any other nation on Earth — Including the Arab ones.

[edit] See also

• Suzuki-san
• Wasian
• Blasian
• Tim Kring with his mastubatory series about Japan called Heroes

[edit] External Links

• How to tell a Japanese from a Wapanese, Wapanese people are the ones making all their posts about how Koreans and Chinese people suck. They don't mention Laotians at all, but that's because the ones that do get their asses kicked.