Wanker

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For more examples of negative thrust, see Masturbation (disambiguation).
Dec02

Ernest Archibald Wanker.

The Wanker engine was invented in 1901 by Ernest Archibald Wanker, a brilliant engineer struggling at the time to make a living selling steam engines made of processed corn. Having previously lost his wife and children in a freak steamed corn accident, he was on his way to drown himself in a pond outside Hertfordshire when inspiration struck him in the image of a coughing duck. Two months and 87 days later he revealed his latest invention, predicted to revolutionise the world of transport: The Wanker engine.

What was revolutionary about the Wanker engine was that, as opposed to 4-stroke and 2-stroke engines, this was a 0-stroke engine. In all its simplicity the Wanker engine works by sucking air into the engine to a chamber where it is mixed with fuel. An electric spark ignites the fuel, and the fuel/air mixture combusts inside the chamber. The expanding gases escape through the air intake.

Unfortunately, the popularity of the Wanker engine quickly faded as it came to more and more people's attention that the Wanker engine indeed created negative thrust, making all motorcars fitted with one travel very slowly in reverse.

On the verge of bankruptcy, E. A. Wanker tried to persuade the Wright Brothers to fit a Wanker engine in their Flyer aircraft before their legendary first flight in 1903 in one last desperate attempt to salvage what was lost. He failed, however, and the Wright brothers opted to use. A. Wanker was ruined and died of old age as a poor man in 1918 by the hands of ex president William Howard Taft. If you wank we don't want to know. Cecil attempted to re-create an working model of Wanker Engine on December 31st, but failed, thus ending the greatest year of his life.

Wanker

The inner workings of a Wanker engine.

Finally and most importantly, the Beatles starred in their own television show, Thomas the Wank Engine. It was an outrageous hit, and the editors at ABC decided to cancel Thomas the Tent and play it in its place.

If you're looking for information on wankshafts, they've yet to be invented.

Many modern adolescents struggled to identify with the 'wankers' of yesteryear, and thought they were out of touch with the modern day dolphin flogging scene. In answer to this, the character 'Master Bates' was introduced into the children's television Captain Pugwash. He has been a firm favourite with young and old alike, considered by many to be the key figure in neo-classical wanking.

Relatives of E. A. Wanker

Due to his activities it is possible that E. A. Wanker did not have any offspring or progeny. Afterall, tireless scientific research followed by bankruptcy could hardly have left time. However, childless-ness should never be considered an aspect of masturbation, for as any wanker knows there is always more material to cum. At the drop of a hat or fall of a hand, more or less but usually less. In spite of the likelihood of his dying childless, there are many people who believe themselves descendents of A. E. Wanker. Examples of these people include bankers (rhymes), David Cameron, George Bush, Adolf Hitler, Boris Johnson (named after a large penis) and some singers (but not castrati).

People mistaken for descendents of E. A. Wanker

Usually this list includes anyone practicing an outdated and irrelevant ritual without knowing why yet defending their right to do so to the end of time. Examples of such people include: the Order of the Garter, the Order of Bath, the Household Cavalry Mounted Regiment, the Royal Family (or any royalty anywhere), dictators, soldiers, sailors and airmen, the Royal British Legion, men talking about cars, women talking about clothes and politicians saying "I'm telling the truth".

How can I become like E. A. Wanker?

This is a question with three answers: the first is to study engineering science and dream up an idea similar but not quite as wise as the Wankel cyclical high revolution low friction internal combustion engine, call it instead the Wanker Engine, and go bust and die lonely. Or second, attend the Duke of York's Royal Military School in Dover, England, where conspicuous wanking is not only taught but prescribed by notable masters (baters). If you want to learn to be a prime wanker but do not want it to be prescribed by ageing men playing toy soldiers with young children, there is a third answer. Stand at attention on one spot for hours listening to a television with the volume on maximum. This will simulate being on a parade square. When boredom sets in and the mind begins to wander, think of wanking. This method will successfully mimic the process by which all former pupils of the Duke of York's Royal Military School become known as total wankers.

False claimants to the E. A. Wanker legacy

In the reign of Queen Victoria (a noted German mud wrestler who ate her way to the English throne) the House of Lords was inundated with legal appeals from women claiming to be related, either medically or spiritually, to E. A. Wanker. Prime Minister William Gladstone took the matter so seriously he went out with his famous bag and filled it with women whom he returned to 10 Downing Street in order to examine their claims. Gladstone found most of these wanking women to be pleasingly abusive but annoyingly expensive. As Prime Minister he knew that when male wankers could be hired for an apple and that exchange of said apple would include full visual stimulation, no Peer of the Realm would pay six pence to see a woman adjust her petticoat while smiling. As Queen Victoria, cited by every English hero as the most beautiful woman in the world (or at least the most beautiful to rule the world), was well known for not smiling Gladstone decided these women he had collected in his bag should be banned. Soon after Gladstone grew an apple tree in Downing Street under which more than a century later David Cameron proposed marriage to Nick Clegg.

Why women did not wank until feminism

The banning of feminine wanking during the reign of Queen Victoria suppressed feminine sexuality for decades. Some women may have used carved wooden penises to pretend to wank, but historians generally consider this to be something more likely related to the marital rituals forced on women when they married former public school boys such as Etonians, Harrovians and Salopians, where sporting colours are awarded for wanking. Indeed, during the last days of the Raj every British ambassador from Marrakesh to Mombasa was known to be a coloured wanker. As will be apparent the term "coloured wanker" was often misunderstood as a racial slur and it was not realised to instead be a considerable sporting achievement. Nevertheless, when the sun set on the British Empire (something the British have not realised happened yet) many Old Etonians died at the hands of indigenous mob rioters who thought they were racists rather than merely toss pots.

While this upheaval (and downheaval, repeatedly) was taking place overseas British women were burning their bras, which is a misogynist euphemism for trying to achieve equality. This is known by women as feminism. Men are generally still ignorant of it ever happening. At some point early on one woman must have suggested to another that burning their pants could be just as liberating as burning their bras. Soon after this was suggested several women were spotted adjusting their petticoats and smiling while sat on benches in Hyde Park. Not long after this the whole of Mayfair, St. James's, Kensington and Chelsea were full of gangs of smiling sitting women. Some women even wriggled. Again, the Prime Minister was asked questions in the House. At the time most Members of Parliament were former public school boys and graduates of Oxford University, some of them had held commissions in the British military or served in the diplomatic corps, and all of them were worried about the effect these smiling women would have on the price of apples. Many MPs were issued letters by their old schools asking them to return their coloured wanking ties unless they stopped women from masturbating.

How Britain stopped wanking

The English upper classes worried for ages about how to stop feminine sexuality and support the market for cheap rent boys. Many typically stiff Englishmen blamed the Suez Crisis and the United States subsequent devaluation of the Gold Standard for the decline in really good cheap renters. Many private members' clubs along Pall Mall were known to be heaving (and rising and falling, repeatedly, time after time) with talk of a secret plot by Americans from East Coast Ivy League universities trying to get a hegemony on the rent boy market. This was not cricket!

Faced with the financial decline of Britain following the emmigration by renters from the British Isles to the Americas, English men were left with one alternative: women being allowed and encouraged to wank. This would have been a major insult to the memory of England's third greatest queen (after Elton John and Laurence Olivier; not the pretenders Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II). But England is at its best when its back is metaphorically up against the wall, whether that means leaning back against a wall while a rent boy earns his apple, or up against the wall and trying to climb that wall in pure disgust at those creatures called women.

Hence in the hour of need (and boy did they need it by this time) the men of England unexpectedly stopped women from wanking. They had noticed the giveaway sign of female masturbation was smiling (at least it was in England where women are banned from smiling). So they turned this on its head and issued the threat, "Women of England and its Territories, desist from meddling with your petticoats and smiling, or else we shall be left with no alternative but to smile back at you." This stopped all British female wanking immediately. The threat of Englishmen smiling, black teeth, crinkled teeth, all from not cleaning their teeth, was enough to put all the women off anything sexual for the rest of their lives.

The Wanking Crisis of 2008

The men of England continued to be wankers quite happily while women were forbidden sexual status. This period of misogynist wife beating glory was known as Thatcherism. It was led by one of Britain's greatest ever male leaders, Margaret Thatcher, whom second wave radical feminist Shulamith Firestone said of, "She might be a women but she ain't a sister! Now pass me that Havana cigar you whimp."

All this was to change with the invention of the Interwank, a global communications and multimedia network used mostly for pornography and hence wanking. People who really believe that computers will change the world call the Interwank the Internet or sometimes the World Wide Web, also known more commonly as the World Wide Wank. The Interwank allowed women by viewing porn to secretly have a wank. Yes, on the sly without telling their husbands! Toilet paper left on the floor is the giveaway sign that a woman has been unfaithful with the Interwank. Sometimes serial female viewers have multiple imaginary affairs with dozens of cyberbyte wrinkled and fat old men in just a half hour of electronically stimulated fantasy. Teenage daughters are the worst, though, for they fail utterly compared to their brothers in avoiding the temptations of the Interwank. If a woman or girl is suspected of a being a serial secret World Wide Wanker, she should be taken to a Catholic priest who as a man of real moral fibre will know how to cast out the demons and will not be tempted himself. The Pope said so.

The resurgeance of female wanking, even in secret, caused by 2008 a major crisis in the world of corporate wanking. For years ex-public school boys and Oxford graduates had the wanking profession all to themselves. Consequently there was steady and sustainable growth in wanking year on year. The unexpected and unregulated exchange of feminine wanking via the Interwank caused a crisis on the international wanking markets. No-one (educated at public school or Oxford) knew what wanks were worth anymore. Worse, this all effected the price of apples. A second rent boy collapse was imminent. Thankfully for English public school boys and Oxford graduates the Prime Minister, who was a professor of wanking, stepped in and bailed out the wankers.

In the United States the President, who was a professor of saying, "Now watch me take this shot" while holding a shot gun, also bailed out his wankers. East Coast US prep school boys and Harvard and Yale graduates breathed a sigh of collective relief. The international value of apples had been secured for wankers by people who could not afford a rent boy - English or US - anyway. This viral English contagion over the greatest liberal democracy in the world could be compared to the Duke of Wellington stamping out freedom and democracy in Europe for one hundred years at the 1815 Battle of Waterloo. The Napoleanic Wars were all about apples underwriting wanking. It is true. The Pope said so.

2013 British Triple Dip

In the 2010 General Election (a sort of vote for your favourite rent boys affair, though with women nowadays, but only for appearance's sake) no single UK political party won a working majority in the House of Commons. Pundits and analysts considered the most likely coalition government to be a Liberal-Labour Pact. However, as the Conservative Party had many more public school and Oxford wankers than either of those parties, the Conservatives secretly offered the Liberals a deal on apples. Being alot of Tim-Nice-But-Dim wollies, the Conservatives said something like, "We give you the apples and then you watch us abuse ourselves." All the same and anyway, the actaul government formed constituted a Conservative-Liberal Coalition. It is possible no apples were exchanged and that David Cameron and Nick Clegg, both of whom are ex-public school boys who went to Oxbridge (well, some thickies have to go to Cambridge! Nick Clegg!), merely pushed Gordon Brown aside because he had not gone to a proper university, did not therefore understand apples even if he was a professor of wanking, and besides was Scottish, so practically a foreigner.

In the years following this wankers' coup a Tim-Nice-But-Dim called George Osborne ran the UK's economy. He had studied philosophy and politics rather well, but had done economics far less well. But having been at Eton and Oxford with David Cameron he was certainly an expert on the value of apples and on wanking. He even had colours for it. (That means he had a special tie showing he was a wanker, not that he had slaves to do his wanking for him). Besides his knowledge of wankers and expertise in wanking, plus the value of apples, the economy did not go well. The main reasons given as excuses were 1) lazy population 2) wrong population and 3) Damien Hirst.

As the economy rose and fell, rose and fell (is this familiar? Wankers!) the spectre of a record breaking third recession being caused by the same problem as the first one became increasingly likely in Britain before anywhere else. To celebrate this magnificent achievement the English dusted off the Royal Family and made one of them marry a girl related to a chip shop owner, then buried Margaret Thatcher (who outlived Shulamith Firestone by one year) and even managed to make an Old Etonian impregnate a woman. A real one, too! And he did it himself! At least that is the story until a butler at Buckingham Palace reveals in a Daily Wizzle tabloid special feature that actually two special branch close protection officers had to take turns while a footman sucked off the prince.

For these reasons it is important to remember that "Triple Dip" means three recessions in a row caused by the same problem, and does not mean some sort of depraved sexual practice. This is a serious article!

The triple dip recession is being caused by the fall in the value of apples because of a crisis in wanking. America stole our rent boys as punishment for meddling in the Middle East in 1956, put far too much gold on the international markets, devalued Sterling and so caused decent upstanding Englishmen to enter a cyclical process of failing to have sufficient means of reimbursing their renters with apples.

The Pope said so

The Pope said so, so there.

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