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For more examples of negative thrust, see Masturbation (disambiguation).

Ernest Archibald Wanker.

The Wanker engine was invented in 1901 by Ernest Archibald Wanker, a brilliant engineer struggling at the time to make a living selling steam engines made of processed corn. Having previously lost his wife and children in a freak steamed corn accident, he was on his way to drown himself in a pond outside Hertfordshire when inspiration struck him in the image of a coughing duck. Two months and 87 days later he revealed his latest invention, predicted to revolutionise the world of transport: The Wanker engine.

What was revolutionary about the Wanker engine was that, as opposed to 4-stroke and 2-stroke engines, this was a 0-stroke engine. In all its simplicity the Wanker engine works by sucking air into the engine to a chamber where it is mixed with fuel. An electric spark ignites the fuel, and the fuel/air mixture combusts inside the chamber. The expanding gases escape through the air intake.

Unfortunately, the popularity of the Wanker engine quickly faded as it came to more and more people's attention that the Wanker engine indeed created negative thrust, making all motorcars fitted with one travel very slowly in reverse.

On the verge of bankruptcy, E. A. Wanker tried to persuade the Wright Brothers to fit a Wanker engine in their Flyer aircraft before their legendary first flight in 1903 in one last desperate attempt to salvage what was lost. He failed, however, and the Wright brothers opted to use. A. Wanker was ruined and died of old age as a poor man in 1918 by the hands of ex president William Howard Taft. If you wank we don't want to know. Cecil attempted to re-create an working model of Wanker Engine on December 31st, but failed, thus ending the greatest year of his life.


The inner workings of a Wanker engine.

Finally and most importantly, the Beatles starred in their own television show, Thomas the Wank Engine. It was an outrageous hit, and the editors at ABC decided to cancel Thomas the Tent and play it in its place.

If you're looking for information on wankshafts, they've yet to be invented.

Many modern adolescents struggled to identify with the 'wankers' of yesteryear, and thought they were out of touch with the modern day dolphin flogging scene. In answer to this, the character 'Master Bates' was introduced into the children's television Captain Pugwash. He has been a firm favourite with young and old alike, considered by many to be the key figure in neo-classical wanking.

Relatives of E. A. Wanker

Due to his activities it is possible that E. A. Wanker did not have any offspring or progeny. Afterall, tireless scientific research followed by bankruptcy could hardly have left time. However, childless-ness should never be considered an aspect of masturbation, for as any wanker knows there is always more material to cum. At the drop of a hat or fall of a hand, more or less but usually less. In spite of the liklihood of his dying childness, there are many people who believe themselves descendents of A. E. Wanker. Examples of these people include bankers (rhyms), David Cameron, George Bush, Adolf Hitler, Boris Johnson (named after a large penis) and some singers (but not castratem).

People mistaken for descendents of A. E. Wanker

Usually this list includes anyone practising an outdated and irrelevant ritual without knowing why yet defending their right to do so to the end of time. Examples of such people include: the Order of the Garter, the Order of Bath, the Household Cavalry Mounted Regiment, the Royal Family (or any royalty anywhere), dictators, soldiers, sailors and airmen, the Royal British Legion, men talking about cars, women talking about clothes and politicians saying "I'm telling the truth".

How can I become like A. E. Wanker

This is a question with three answers: the first is to study engineering science and dream up an idea similar but not quite as wise as the Wankel cyclical high revolution low friction internal combustion engine, call it instead the Wanker Engine, and go bust and die lonely. Or second, attend the Duke of York's Royal Military School in Dover, England, where conspicuous wanking is not only taught but prescribed by notable masters (baters). If you want to learn to be a prime wanker but do not want it to be prescribed by ageing men playing toy soldiers with young children, there is a third answer. Stand at attention on one spot for hours listening to a television with the volume on maximum. This will simulate being on a parade square. When boredom sets in and the mind begins to wander, think of wanking. This method will successfully mimic the process by which all former pupils of the Duke of York's Royal Military School become known as total wankers.

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