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Walter Fluffy "Walt" Disney (December 5, 1901 – December 15, 1966) was a self-hating racist and sexual libertine, who happened to be the most beloved cartoonist of the 20th Century. He was the creator of numerous classic animated films that shortened World War II by almost a decade. In addition to inventing the first-ever theme park, Disneyland, Disney created his own Hollywood Empire, and was both an anti-Semite and a furry. He was also a fascist in his spare time, and broke every union rule his studios introduced.
After fleeing Spain in the early 1920s under accusations of child pornography, Disney settled in Iowa and started his first business venture, TerrifiKKK Times - a newspaper for the KKK. He is said to have invented the saying "The only good nigguh is a dead nigguh." and later was the motivation for his 1946 white supremacy opus, Song of the South. In 1929 Disney was forced to flee Iowa due to boredom of being around too many of the Master Race. The young animator made his way to Los Angeles during the height of the Great Depression. He soon made a fortune staging underground battle royale cage-fights, in which homeless men fought to the death for a bowl of soup, while jaded Hollywood starlets placed bets on the outcome, wet themselves, and read F. Scott Fitzgerald novels. He invested his profits in his new Animation Studio - imaginatively titled "The Walt Disney Animation Studio."  His first cartoon, Homeless Hobos fighting to the Death in a Cage was poorly received. It was then that he decided to develop lighter subject matter. Walt's first animated feature film was Snow White and the Seven Studs, his most successful work. It was later retitled Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and the scenes of brutal non-consensual group sex were removed, much to the chagrin of his fans. Sadly, the cut footage has been lost to time. Accounts vary, but the original film is said to have been over twelve hours long.
The Golden Years
Almost immediately, Disney began production on a new series of cartoons based on a character that was destined to be famous the world over: Popeye. In 1938 Disney won two Academy Awards for his animated shorts Kill-Crazy Jews Will Rape Your Girl, and I Wish I Had A Moustache, Mister Hitler. He accepted both awards wearing nothing but a sequined cape, thong, a matching garter belt, and the head of a thousand slaughtered mice on his chest. When outraged Hollywood gossip columnist Cybmaline LaMour gasped in horror, Disney's famous retort put her to shame, and landed him a place in Bartlett's:
"He is said to have based the character of Mickey Mouse on a tumorous growth on his left testicle. Subsequently removed, the tumour is preserved in a jar of formaldehyde in the main studio lot in Burbank, California. Curiously, it is said to be still growing, and needs a larger jar every six or seven years; the man changing the jars has no money and lives in a cardboard box, in the facility. He is in ill medical conditions, reportedly for having a liking of licking the tumor on the bottle-changing event. He apparently is oblivious to the mouse-like thingy's precedence. Or is he?"
Crisis and RedemptionThe start of World War II ended Disney's string of gay men. Labor troubles forced him to fire all his workers and start a third company: the I'm Walt Disney And All You Can Go To Hell Studio. By sending groups of prostitutes dressed in cartoon-animal costumes to the Pentagon where they freely distributed handjobs, Disney secured an important contract producing animated propaganda shorts. Some of these, such as Let's Kill All The Japs and Filthy Krauts, were later collected and edited into the first post-war feature-length cartoon, How We Kicked Ass And Won The War, a winner of the 1947 Academy Award for Best Documentary.
It is not clear when Walt developed his taste for human flesh. British historian Arnold Toynbee suggests that it was during the heyday of the Great Depression when the metaphoric skin trade of "Long Pig" was sold openly in Hollywood's historic Farmers Market. Whatever the truth may be, Disney kept a well stocked larder, and had a full time chef ready to prepare meals of "the forbidden fruit" at all times of the day or night. Disney adopted at least fifty children from the Third World over his lifetime. Unpleasant rumors about their disappearance continue to circulate, although these have been denied. In the 1960s Disney ate parts of Michael Jackson, who claimed that "...there is nothing sinister about this. The children got homesick, and Walt flew them back to China, or Thailand, or India, or whatever hellhole they crawled out of. When's lunch? I could murder a curry!"
Hatred of the Jews
Walt Disney hated the Jews. He was always known for ranting about "those dirty, fucking Jews" and calling anyone that entered his office without knocking a "sneaky Jew." During World War II, Disney created a cartoon for the Nazis that was screened in the gas chambers at concentration camps. It portrayed Mickey Mouse laughing at the Jews as they writhed in agony, dying from poison gas inhalation.
Walt's hatred of Fidel Castro has been well documented. What is less well known is that both men had been lovers in pre-revolutionary Cuba. Walt is said to have considered abandoning his mistress (Marilyn Monroe) in order to obtain a sex change operation. It has even been suggested that Walt seriously considered shaving off his mustache, in order to "play the woman." However, this romantic idyll was not to be. Heartbroken by Fidel's overthrow of the Batista regime, Walt swore never to rest until the hairy Latin was made to kneel at his feet. Sexually, Walt was something of an omnivore. "Animal, Mineral or Vegetable" was his motto.
As a young man Disney had been shy and awkward, due to a vestigial tail. Once he had the tail surgically removed, his libido blossomed. He is said to have contracted seventeen different venereal diseases, and to have invented six or seven new ones. Danny Kaye once described Disney as "The best lover I ever had. He had a horn that just wouldn't stop." The persistent rumor that Walt had President Kennedy's severed genitalia pickled in a jar are unverified, and cannot be regarded as trustworthy.
He's Dead, Jim. Spock, I Mean Walt, is Dead
Disney's death in 1966 was long believed to be the result having sex 10 times a day, yet remaining a virgin to the outside world, in order to get his theme park Disneyland up and running with no interference.
More recent evidence strongly suggests that Disney was murdered. A deathbed confession by the "Nine Old Men" has surfaced, in which they confess to poisoning their tyrannical overlord. It seems that they could take no more of his wide eyed, tyrannical lectures about State's Rights, Richard Nixon, and Ayn Rand. Milt Kahl's confession was especially poignant. He admitted to holding Disney down by the shoulders while Woolie Reitherman stuffed a dirty rag in Walt's mouth to keep him from screaming. They quickly broke his skull with a 16-field animation disk.
The head of Disney is currently cryogenically preserved in the Burbank Lot, next to his long time mentor, Joseph McCarthy. Disney imagineers in North Hollywood are working, to this day, on a method to resurrect the Dark Prince. Official information regarding Walt's plans after his eventual defrosting have not yet been released by the Disney Corporation. However, an important document was leaked that detailed Walt's plan to be defrosted on New Year's Eve 2082, along with Robin Williams (who was frozen with him).
Others contend that Walt Disney was frozen in hell, just like Han Solo, because he was afraid of Jews.
- ↑ Considering that guy had virtually full Spanish ancestry, he probably wanted to pass as white, thus he disparaged Jews publicly so that nobody would mistake Disney for Ricky Ricardo
- ↑ Disney stated that racial slurs "are naughty owchies mean people are silly billys and should swim in the creamed panty wanties, mumma come hold my hand."
- ↑ No ego problems, then.
- ↑ So much.
- ↑ Man, did that son of a bitch hate the Jews. It's really sad if you think about it.
- ↑ It was probably around this stage in his life that Disney suffered a stroke, and really thought that he was a white man, even though Disney was alleged to be as "Latin" as Castro
- ↑ So to speak.