Walsall

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“Hmm. Shame about Margaret Thatcher. Met a nice man there - Steven Thorpe. Pleasant man, firm around the buttocks.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Walsall.

“Ow am ya?”
~ Walsall on You

Warsaw is the largest city in Poland, it is also found with the north west of the British Midlands; it has been home to several famous people and stuff

edit Location

Walsall is about 2 miles from Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Tamworth and occasionally Burton-upon-Trent. Due to the constant state of war no one is sure if Walsall is in Poland, England, Spain or even Wales. Matthew Nardiello can help answer this, as he is the resident Welshman/Italian/Pole/Yam Yam/Australian who currently coaches for West Bromwich Albion.

At the moment it is floating in the Dead Sea, waiting for the return of Margaret Thatcher so the Walsall light sheep brigade can declare war once more.

edit Special Events

Chav Hunting - This special event is the pride of non-chavs around the Walsall area. Chavs are rounded up and put in Walsall shopping centre. It is fenced up so they cannot escape but the objective for the non chavs is to hunt down and kill the chavs in the funniest way possible. I once took part in the competition. I found the lift a very amusing killing machine sending the chavs head to the top floor.

edit Foreigners

Paki's , terrorists Muslims (not to be confused with Jamaicans or sikhs cause they're sound) are a common predator of Walsall. You should avoid them whenever possible, although this may prove a challenge for even the most hardened chav as you can't walk 2 seconds without seeing them stroll past Mcdonalds in their favorite pyjamas. Seriously...They're worse than ratata in the fact that you can't help bumping into one. Usually they hunt in packs and the leader has a rubbish BMX and iphone which he probably defiantly stole. The oldies are the worst as they can't even speak English after they lived here for the past 50 years because sadly the benefits they receive won't cover a expert English tutor....Shame....

edit Chavs

Chavs constantly infect the area of Walsall. It's nearly as bad as the mass Zombie Attack in 2005 when more than 1 person died. Chavs usually coincide in small to medium sized groups and are seen throughout the Walsall Market, spreading their STI's and Genital Herpes amongst chavs-alike. Chavs can easily be identified by the tag attached to their upper left nipple which will have a code relating to a JJB coupon which can be bought in store for £10, £9.99 out of the Chavs financial reach. Chavs can be seen wearing tracksuits (which are usually dirty and smell strongly like urine) Burberry hats (which also smell strongly like urine, but tends to smell more like Dog urine) and the trademark cheap sports trainers (which are usually purchased from Sportswear outlets such as JJB, FootLocker, Sports World or usually aren't even purchased, but stolen from a fellow chav or a Walsallian's dustbin)

Chavs can be extremely dangerous. The risk of dying because of Chav caused Passive Smoking has tripled within the last 30 years (99.80085% increase every year) so safety precautions must be taken to prevent possible Infection of chav related diseases such as STI, AIDS, Tuberculosis, Malaria and CHAV (Chav Heart Attack Virus) For example, people should take gas masks, beach towels and sun cream to defend one's-self from the Anti Social Chav. Electric teethbrish should also be taken to disinfect one's-self from the build up of infection if a Chav happens to make touch-to-touch contact with one's-self.

Chavs are commonly known for their Anti-Social Ecosystem - The Estate. The common estate includes crowded housing, a pub, a children's play area and a bus stop. The crowded housing allows Chavs to easily hide from Police during a chase scene as they can just jump from one window to the next. The Pub allows for the famous "Pub Fight" with a local friend. Players take the role of a drunk Chav and their aim is to knock out as many drinkers as possible. 1-4 Players, 6+ Age Rating. Now unlike the other features of the Estate, the children's play area allows Chavs to re-experience their childhood days by vandalising the area so that others may not relive theirs. This is called being a Selfish Chav. The Bus Stop allows Chavs to spend their entire life investments (usually £5.00 GBP or in some cases from £1-£1.01) This allows the Chav to take a trip in to Walsall, sometimes with his mates to cause trouble and intimidate people with their urine-like smelling Clothes and greased down hair. They may also take a trip down to JJB, FootLocker or even Sports World to look at the shoes and most definetely steal them. This often confuses and aggrovates Shop Owners Walsall-Wide as urine is deposited from Chav's clothes onto shop windows and seats in which the Chav may lean up against or sit down on. This process is called "Passive Urinating" and the smell transferred may never be rid of. A prime example of this is the Walsall Market which smells strongly of urine.

Government Legislation increased the price of Bus tickets to 75p recently so that Chavs may not afford the journey home and have less money to spend in Walsall itself. This has decreased the Chav level by 0.80085% since it has been introduced. However, in Chav aspects it disrupts their Ecosystem and way of life by removing their right to have enough money to catch a bus there and a bus back from Walsall. Local MP's said they don't care about the Chav's point of view. Local MP Gregory Hitman Malischnojikoff stated "I hate Chavs" and so did another - Terry VoodooManThing. "It" stated "Blahnovah" converted into formal english by Arnold Schwarzenegger - "I also hate Chavs"

Mainly, the whole jist of things is strongly against Chavs, and that they should be slaughtered by the High Priests of the Rising Sun.

edit Walsall Wobblers

It is an undisguised fact that 90% of Walsall residents are not just overweight, but are obese to the extreme. One regular passtime for the remaining 10% of the populus is "Wobbler watching", which is usually undertaken upon market days.

Female wobblers can be spotted resplendent in their skintight leggings, flip-flops, and printed leopard skin jackets. They blunder down Park Street, and along the Bridge, with their rolled up cigarette in one hand, and a rancid cheeseburger in the other, tugging their kids along behind them, cursing and moaning to the kids, " Kylie / Leanne, cum 'ere yaw little bastid. Dow tork tu me liyke that".

Male wobblers dress more formally, in cheap trainers, and sweatshirts, with logos such as "I've been to Walsall and survived", and "Beechdale University". And throw out the odd comment of, "Shall we guw tu Maccy D's or Berga King fur our dinna", and "Yaw con gerrit chaper on the Markit".

Walsall Wobblers, when transferring from their Council properties to the more sunnier climes of Brownhills, then become "Brownhills Bouncers".

edit Tourism

Walsall has many attractions to distract the unwary visitor. They vary from the absurd to the even more absurd. Many a pleasant week can be spent exploring the town’s cultural and touristic delights if you have the odd afternoon to spare and can’t get your car fixed quickly enough.

For the summer visitor there is the annual Walsall-By-The-Sea Pageant, which is held bi-annually on the 6th of December and which involves the temporary re-construction of a Victorian Pier in the town's hallowed Park Street and the creation of a convincingly realistic seaside Pleasure Beach to rival Blackpool, but sadly without the nudists.

For the autumn traveller there is of course the world renowned Walsall Illuminati Barn Dance. This is not to be confused in any way with the Blackpool Illuminati Love-Fest; the fact that many of Walsalls Illuminati perform at Blackpool is merely a coincidence and hey, Walsall thought of it first, so there.

Open constantly throughout the year, but limited to daytime visits without a private booking, is the Walsall Museum of Leather Accessories. The less said about this dungeon of delights the better. It is of course only open to the over 18s.

Another noted town attraction is the Saddlers Centre. Here, rustic craftworkers make saddles to order for virtually any animal including hamsters, hippos, and of course the indigenous warthog, which is often seen accompanying the residents of the bohemian quarter on their morning strolls. Recent studies suggest that the high increase in Chav population due to Kerry Katona's attempt to re-populate the Earth, has sparked a new kind of saddle; that being one designed for the young mother with already four kids. This was condemned by the concerned elderly population who felt it would make bestiality more enjoyable for Chav males.

Walsall is also unique in having its own Goth quarter. Not for Walsall the normality of a Chinese quarter or any other standard ethnic section. This famed square mile, which features a number of make-up boutiques, black clothing stores and jewellery shops is also home to a number of Visi-goths - although they are less well regarded by the locals. The popularity of the quarter has been questioned as recent census data now clearly shows that it is in fact an eighth.

The town is home to the legendary Walsall Arboretum which really merits a page of its own. It is in fact the last remaining tract of the great forest that once covered the isle of Britain, a place of legend and myth from which most of the first inhabitants of Walsall originated. The dream of all Walsall dwellers is to one day live again in the hallowed woods and Elysian fields of the Eden that is the Arboretum.

Much of Walsall's international fame stems from the 'Walsall Illuminations', a secret town event of which only Walsall inhabitants are aware. At this special time of the year, usually between 1 and 2 o' clock on a Sunday afternoon, the tramps of Walsall are rounded up, covered in birdseed, and attacked and eaten alive by the local pigeons. The fat, bloated pigeons are subsequently set alight and thrown at foreigners passing through the town. The event was dubbed 'The Walsall Illuminations' in 1976 by a German traveller who was the main target of that year's pigeons. This was because, when said with a local accent, 'Walsall' sounds like 'Blackpool'.

This list is not exhaustive in any way. There’s all kinds of great fun things to do in Walsall. Kayaking, for example, is a popular and absorbing local hobby. And there's a few gay bars too, if you're interested.

The Podium is full of dirty greebos. Approaching These people could be a bad idea as there obscene music will blow you away. And Beware Never Look Directly into The Eyes Of A Walsall Greebo It may be the last thing you do. Regular diet of a grebo consists of Mr sizzle and anything they can rob from tescos without getting caught.. visitng times of the greebos to podium consist of anytime between 10 :30 am and 6-7 pm this makes life uneasy for elderly people but the podium has its answer for the infest problem "THE CHAVS" the one thing the greebos are scared of you can be sure that the chavs will keep the greebos in line robbing them of anything possible. As a result it was suggested that "Chav Hunting" be made legal by many within the Greebo community, however Walsall council are nothing but Chavs and thus the case was dismissed. the grebos have recently moved on towards higher climate in places known as pigeon park on Birmingham where they have become more accepted, becoming sex addicts and wearing brighter colours... well its better than hanging in walsall wearing black.

Walsall was recently invaded by a group claiming to be "The Hell's Angels". This group includes Mark, the goth cowboy. Paul, the guarder of the paper box. Tribal, also know as Hitmonchan. Shadow, got sacked from Asda LOLOLOLOL! Porky, who got bummed & Chav Aaron with his Duncle, Chucky who comes to scare the hell out of everyone (possibly closeist thing to a leader) and the extremly seldom seen pirate lord Grimlock with his trademarks of never takeing off his shades and wearing a coat looking worse than anything from the borders of karma walsalls neighbour.

"Chav Hunting" seems to be popular with the local Walsallians, hell, even I joined in the one night. There's nothing like unloading a whole clip on a scrubby, smelly, intriguing, tracksuit wearing (or sometimes even Burberry if the Chav is 1p wealthier) degrading person who says he'll "shank" me - "shank" meaning to stab or kill with a knife. This Monumental occasion celebrates the pride and joy in cleaning up the streets of Walsall and disinfecting it of the horrid "Chav" and attracts people in their tens (10-99 people normally) The world record for the highest number of people taking part in this prestiguous event is currently 61. The world record winning team was led by 50 pence, the British version of the american black, ugly, huge foreheaded 50 Cent who sings about girls who he's given Genital Herpes to and plays the video game dedicated to his "Gangsta" - or "Gangster" - or "Knob" like life made by EA "Electronic Arses" 50 Pence later quoted "I wuz jus' doin' maa beat fur thu envayrunmont" later translated into formal english by Adolf Schwarzenegger - "Eye vas jast dewing mein beet forr zaa Enveyronnmeeent" The official Chav Hunting Organisation - the CHO are currently recruiting new members to take part in "Chav Hunting" in a dustbin outside Morrisons which has just been filled with mouldy turbans and gypsies, just over schedule by 1 millisecond.

The "Council Flat" or - "Council Estate" attracts millions of Chavs worldwide every year. This spectacular event is called "The House Race" in which Chavs race to win a small, worthless, uninhabitable, smelly, unhygienic, disgraceful tiny box shaped S**T HOLE. This disgusting "Home" is the dream of every chav and last year, Chris Banks won the race, after shooting down 17 fellow chavs and his mothers only son - himself. His dead body now lies at 72 Lynford Drive which is home to 7 other "dead" looking people who are lying in a neat pile under the wooden floorboards who are 'most alive' says the houses' owner - Dexter Morgan, everyone's favourite TV serial killer, who has a certain look that says "Look at the dead bodies underneath my floorboards, yep, they're mine alrighty - do ya want one?" and also seemed to fart whilst smiling joyfully, content with his achievement

edit Language

Like the Welsh the Walsallians speak they own made up language, but unlike Welsh it is not officially used anywhere. This may be why foreigners, who are dialling 999 for an ambulance due to a Chav attack, can't understand what the operator is saying.

A key feature of the Walsallian language is H's noted for their absence, as is gramma, spelling and stuff.

Some key words are:

Walsallian English
'os Horse
'e He
'ate Hate
T'ippo The Hippo
'ell 'e is 'alf the time He is a great man
'ospital Foundation Hospital
Chav, Blad, Homie Anti Social Being/Person, Aggressive Individual, Knob, Twat, Infidel, Imbecile, The Hated Person, Unwealthy, Unhygienic, Failure, Disgrace, Poor, Scrubby, Urine Like Smell, Eau De Urine
t'ra Good bye
bostin' Very good
G' Go
Ar Yes
'ow am ya? How are you?

However in spoken Walsallian the aim is to make it as hard as possible for anyone to understand you, this often involves speaking faster than you can think with allows you to lose even more letters out of the words.

edit Terms

The people of Walsall are referred to as Walsallians though in some cases the term 'pillocks' is also used. This is due to the amount of sardines that are consumed in the town, and the fighting style that is most popular in the famous Walsall Gym of Performing Farts.

The majority of Walsallian Scum (the bad people in Walsall) can be found to have acquired the term "Chav" or "Sex Offender". Walsall itself can be referred to as "The Black Hole In Which People Entered But Never Returned" which can also refer to many Council Housing Estates and back alleys around Walsall in which "Chavs" are commonly found to inhabit, similar in many aspects to Golem's home in the caverns in *The Lord of the Rings , which has been mistakenly associated to The Spiderdick Chronicles XXX Edition and The Lord Of The Flings - Cave Trolls Uncovered XXX two films of which Steven Spielberg once had an orgy over while Directing.

Unfortunately the local language has now been taken over by punjabi.

The Polish have taken over most of Walsall. Their presence is generally thought to be an improvement by observers from outside, bringing with them better cuisine, a work ethic and a better grasp of the English language. They invariably look better and are less of an embarrassment at parties.

edit Diet

The people of Walsall have been known to sometimes eat strange alien foods like vegetables but very rarely. The main wateringhole by the Walsall Arboretum is the Park Tavern, and often found filled with Chavs growling, snorting and standing atop of tables pointing their fingers and shaking their heads violently at the sports played on the Big Screens.

For many a Walsallian, their sole food intake is that which can be purchased from Rooster Hut or the legendary Abelwell's Fish Bar known simply as 'Abes' to the local grammar school pupils. (This often brings a tear to the eye of Johnny Rockett whose burger chain proved less than sucessful in the area.)

As a result of the fast food industry, Walsall's population are really, really fat. In addition to this, it is not uncommon to see people eating 'Faggots and Peas'.

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