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Wall Ball is without a doubt the world’s greatest and most popular sport.
Wall ball is believed to be millennia old, possibly descended from the world’s first game, wall-rock, which has been depicted in numerous cave paintings dating as far back as 300,000 years ago. The game gained its present appellation of wall ball when severed elephant testicles, or simply balls, began to be used for the sport, but failed to gain a worldwide following because, frankly, elephant testicles are pretty disgusting. Not something you would want to hold in your hand or get hit in the face with, anyway. Later players used various materials in such games as wall-head, made famous by Robespierre. However, the game remained unpopular and extraordinarily difficult to play as a result of the low elasticity associated with severed heads, and players quickly reverted back to other ball materials. The game finally became truly popular when the so called sports of “racquetball” and “tennis,” both deriving from corrupted forms of wall ball led to the creation of superior ball technology. Today the tennis ball, racquetball, and to a lesser extent the lacrosse ball remain the most favored balls by wall ball players.
Rules for the n00b
Seriously, if you don’t know how to play at least one of the innumerable forms of wall ball, then you are either clinically retarded or led a tragically regrettable childhood. In fact, in either case you might as well just give up on life now because there is no possible way that you can be helped … by ANYONE. But in case you really are that big of a loser, here are some basic rules: There are four main positions in the game of wall ball, which are continually changing. The center of attention and baddest man in town is the thrower, while the lowliest is the runner (often referred to colloquially as the douchebag for his total lack of talent and manliness). Additionally, there are the competitors, who try to catch the ball but are outplayed by the thrower. Finally, there are the cherry-pickers (colloquially, the pansy-ballers or simply pansies), who wait for the ball to roll on the ground before picking it up when they are unlikely to drop it. The game is played thusly: The thrower hurls the ball at the wall. Preferably, the ball is of the tennis or racquetball variety, but in games where serious injury is intended it may be replaced by a solid rubber lacrosse ball. For the wall, one of several materials may be used, with china-store plate glass windows being one of the most popular wall types. When the hurled ball returns from its journey to the wall, the thrower and the competitors attempt to catch it. Anyone who touches the ball without catching it successfully becomes the douchebag (runner) and must run to the wall. Until he reaches it he may be pegged by whoever has caught the ball successfully and proven that, unlike the aforementioned runner, he is not a total douche who sucks at life. The game continues until another poor sap who sucks at life drops a catch or fumbles the ball, whereupon he too is pegged relentlessly, and so forth until the game is over. One notable rule is that if the thrower is a long way from the wall, one of a variety of words or phrases may be called to stop him in his tracks and force him to throw from far away. Common words used include spot, challenge, your mom, or Dubya. It is widely believed that if the thrower violates this rule when Dubya has been called, Dick Cheney will appear at the behest of the president and shoot him in the face. If the thrower reveals himself to be a total loser by failing to hit the wall, or if the ball is caught in transit, he automatically becomes the douchebag.
There are several variations of wall ball common in the United States as well as all over the world. Some of the most popular include the following:
- Pegs – The standard form. Noobs are generally welcomed as good targets for painful destruction.
- Outs – The thrower attempts simply to hit the wall before the douchebag (runner) reaches it, rather than
trying to peg him. Success results in the runner being awarded an out. Three outs and a player is out of the game. Last one in wins. Pegs-players commonly refer to outs as “Pansy-Ball.”
- Peg-Outs – Like outs, but three outs, rather than resulting in ejection, earn the offending player the tremendous honor of bending over and showing his butt to the crowd, while every other player gets to peg him. This version is decried by Pegs-players as a cop-out that is also slightly gay, but nevertheless it is fairly common.
- Lacrosse Ball (or simply L’Ball) – For the most macho of wall ball fanatics only. Using a lacrosse ball of solid rubber leaves large welts, and a nut shot may very well remove you from the gene pool. If a lacrosse ball is unavailable, a golf ball can be substituted. It is important, however, that you never accidentally pronounce L’Ball as if it were some sort of pretentious sounding French contraction. It’s “ell-ball,” not “luh-ball.” Saying otherwise is a good way to get made fun of and generally humiliated, so just don’t do it.
- Points – Each successful peg earns the thrower a point. This version is the most popular form for compulsive gamblers (who lost over 2 billion dollars on wall ball last year alone), team play, and pairs. Unfortunately, frequent L’ball players may be unqualified to play points if the many concussions that they have sustained have left them unable to count.
- Tall Wall – A normal wall is replaced by a wall raised 8-10 feet on columns (or marked off with tape at this height). The douchebag must still touch the wall above the mark to be safe. Short ballers have argued that this form of wall ball discriminates against midgets, but have repeatedly been told “tough titties.” Tall Wall matches almost always begin as normal matches until the tall players notice the presence of a short player among them who can be taken advantage of.
- Wall Ballz – Has the same rules as points, but a five-point bonus is awarded if the thrower can bounce the ball off the wall in such a way that it nails the player in the balls, with an additional five points if the thrower is able to induce crying. Another very similar variation is Face Ball. Neither is recommended in combination with L’Ball. Wall Ballz has gained far more popularity among eunuchs (colloquially “the ball-less”) than in any other sector of the population
Numerous exotic forms of wall ball have been developed throughout the world including but not limited to the following:
- Berlin Wall Ball (1961-1989) – In this version the ball was thrown against the East German side of the Berlin Wall. After ten pegs the runner had to climb the wall and escape into West Germany, while the thrower had to alert authorities to shoot the escaping douchebag. Needless to say, after accumulating nine pegs most players left claiming the need to “do homework” or some other such excuse.
- Soviet/Commie Ball – Instead of a wall, an advancing line of tanks is used. Commie Ball is believed to be the most dangerous form of wall ball (with the possible exception of Bomb Ball), as well as the most difficult, due to the non-planar nature of the tank fronts and the threat of heavy artillery fire and being run over. Thought to be extinct, but may still exist in communist China and parts of Africa and Southeast Asia
- Bomb Ball – In Bomb Ball, a small hole is drilled into the ball and a few milliliters of vaporized gasoline and a few strike-anywhere match heads are dropped in. The ball is then taped up and play resumes. Recently introduced by American soldiers in Iraq, the game is the only form of wall ball played in the Middle East (due to strict Islamic anti-fun laws, the Middle East has had a hard time adopting even the most basic of games). It has skyrocketed in popularity among local Iraqis, who often organize huge interfactional games.
The National Wall Ball Association (don’t EVER confuse it with the WNBA) was founded in 1981. NWBA rules are similar to points. Two five-man teams play four ten-minute quarters. Each team is also allowed five substitute players. Each player is allowed ten pegs, after which they are ejected from the game and must spend the remainder of the game standing against the wall as punishment for sucking. Thus, the most points that a team can conceivably score is 100, by eliminating all of the other team’s ten players. The twenty four teams in the NWBA are divided into six four-team divisions, and division winners and a wild card from each division get to attend the playoffs after a grueling 60 game season. Playoff series are generally best of five, except on leap years, when they consist are best of fifteen. Theoretically, for the national champions the playoffs could be as long as the regular season on these years The 24 NWBA teams (Bold indicates founding members).
- Western Conference
- Northwest Division
- Seattle Slammers
- Denver Dominators
- Portland Potheads
- Utah Mormon Rioters
- Mostly California Division
- LA Wallbangers
- San Francisco n00b Killers
- San Diego Ball Crushers
- Phoenix Burning Desert Heat
- Mostly Texas Division
- Dallas Maverick Ballers
- Houston Hammers
- San Antonio Smackdown
- New Orleans Satans
- Northwest Division
- Eastern Conference
- Central Division
- Chicago Cockblockers
- Detroit Inner City Thugs
- Milwaukee Maniacs
- Cleveland Cranium Smashers
- Southeast Division
- Washington Fraudulent Senators
- Atlanta Attack
- Miami Crack Dealers
- Charlotte Crap
- Northeast Division
- New York Muggers
- Boston Ballers
- Philadelphia Pegmeisters
- Toronto Spot Callers
- Lexiconian Division
- Central Division
- 300,000 B.C. – cavemen left the first cave paintings of a primitive game now referred to as wall-rock
- 3000 B. C. – Pharaoh Friggin’ Asshole XII has the pyramids built, killing 20,000 in the construction, as a giant wall of his own design. After finding successful play nearly impossible against the sloping surface, he summarily beheads his royal engineers and bans the sport from Egypt. This action is believed to be partially responsible for the lack of wall ball in the Middle East even to this day.
- 1000-500 B.C. – Wall ball is popularized by the ancient Greeks (when they weren’t raping teenage boys), debuting in the first Olympics in 976 B.C.
- 0 – As a child, Jesus plays wall ball for the first time, ensuring its everlasting popularity, and serving as the basis for the world’s calendar system
- 33 A.D. – Roman soldiers reputedly played wall ball for Jesus’s clothing at the crucifixion
- 500-Present – Wall ball becomes popular among catholic priests (when they weren’t raping teenage boys)
- 600-1700’s – The Dark Age of Wall Ball: After the fall of Rome, the sport is virtually unheard of, practiced only in secret in secluded monasteries.
- 1750’s – New research in Roman Archaeology unveils several mosaics depicting ancient wall ball, which was remarkably similar to the modern form.
- 1780’s – Edward Gibbon writes The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire as the Result of Shitty Leaders, Huns, and the Mysterious Sport of Wall Ball, but his editor finds the title too long and lops off the last fourteen words, rendering an otherwise interesting book as useless history in the eyes of many. Gibbon later sued his editor for damages and lost, but still becomes fabulously wealthy by selling the book as a ridiculously overpriced college textbook. Volume VII of the history is credited with popularizing wall ball in the Western world.
- 1790’s – Robespierre tries to popularize wall-head (a.k.a. head ball), using the severed head of Louis XVI, but the sport never catches on. Contemporaries decry severed heads as too inelastic and messy.
- 1880’s – Oscar Wilde introduces wall ball to Victorian England, and then bitches about Victorian England
- 1895 – Oscar Wilde writes “A Philosophical Treatise on the Importance of Playing Wall Ball,” which many regard as the most important treatise of the Victorian Age. The revolutionary work introduces “spot” and “douchebag” to the baller vocabulary.
- 1917 – during WWI, the famous Christmas Truce is held so troops can play wall ball, something impossible to do in the narrow trenches. British forces alone suffered over 5000 suicides attributable to wall ball deprivation during the war.
- 1920’s – it is widely believed that the direct cause of the Holocaust in WWII was a humiliating wall ball loss Hitler suffered at the hand of a Jew sometime in this decade. The dictator abstained from the sport and called it Jew ball for the rest of his life.
- 1945 – FDR plays Stalin in a 100 point match to determine the fate of Europe. Stalin takes a 30-6 lead early on, but when FDR is forced to retire from the game due to crippling polio, V.P. Harry S Truman subs in and orchestrates a miraculous comeback in one of the greatest matches in history to draw 50-50, thus securing Western Europe for NABO (North Atlantic Ballers Association).
- 1963 – The famous “magic ball” is thrown, killing two and injuring over 100. The thrower is never found.
- 1981 – Creation of the National Wall Ball Association
- 1992 – In the greatest game ever played, the Boston Ballers defeat the LA Wallbangers in game fifteen of the NWBA Finals by eliminating all ten players to win 100-98.
- 2002 – The Two Billion Dollar Game: According to top secret government documents, President Bush loses two billion to Donald Trump in a game of wall ball, then starts the Iraq War so that he can divert two billion in taxpayer money without anyone noticing. Ironically, Bush scored more points than Trump but lost due to a refereeing error. After a month, it was decided by a vote of 5-4 refs that he was not allowed an instant replay
“At least I can still ‘win’ elections”
2006 – NWBA commissioner David Sperm creates a minor controversy by changing the tournament ball from the traditional tennis ball to the more slippery racquetball. NWBA players angrily insist that the tennis ball be returned, but Sperm argues that the racquetball actually results in better performance on the wall and that it is commonly used at the high school and college level. However, league pressure (specifically, the threat of being pegged to death by the players) convinces him to reluctantly agree.