Wall

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“Lucky bastard... I've never won a damn game in my life!”
~ Oscar Wilde

<insert name here>, tear down this wall!”
~ Ronald Reagan on the wall
“Why don't we make an album called "The Wall"?”
~ Punk Floyd on trying to think of a creative name for an album

Hank "Wall" Wallengard has become one of the most exciting, yet least watched players in tennis. With defeats over such players as Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras, Serena and Venus Williams and basically anyone else to ever play the game, Wall is the most underrated and under-publicized player ever.

edit Wall's Upbringing

edit The Beginning

Wall was made in the backyard in 1979, during the construction of the house. The construction workers, mostly consisting of Mexicans, raised Wall up when the perverted neighbors continued to peek in the bathroom even though no one lived there yet.

At the tender age of 3, Wall became interested in athletics and sports. Wall tried many: basketball, track and field, and baseball[1]. Then, on one faithful March day, Wall tried his hand[2] at tennis. It was immediately evident from then on that Wall was an extremely talented tennis athlete. Wall was encouraged at its early age to be competitive and start practicing.

Wall began training almost immediately, when the residents of the house began to have their daughter battle it. She never won, and was discouraged from ever becoming a professional tennis player. The daughter's coach then abandoned her and recruited Wall to become the new prodigy. This betrayal led to a passionate and violent feud between the residents of the house and Wall.

edit Tough Times Create a Star

Pinkwall

Though the pink may not be menacing, Wall can still kick ass.

To retaliate against the coach and Wall, the residents purchased bright pink paint, a color so humiliating that only idiots, like Carrot Top and Donald Trump, wear it. Unfortunately for the residents, the color attracted many tennis stars to play versus Wall. All lost. All their base was, truly, belong to Wall.

Wall was five when it was entered into its first tournament. The residents, however, got their revenge when they refused to take it to the match. Because of the lack of transportation, Wall has still yet to win an official match.

edit A Star Fades

Wall became overconfident and refused to receive an education. This proved to be the worst move in Wall's career. No one wanted to visit Wall to play it because of its reputation of being a poor sport, even refusing to shake hands after victories. No events wanted to invite Wall because they knew Wall would win. Eventually, Wall faded into anonymity.

edit The Legend Lives On

Though Wall never won a tournament, many people still consider Wall to be the best tennis player ever. The late Mitch Hedberg even admitted this, saying, "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as Wall. I played Wall once, it's fucking relentless."

edit Footnotes

  1. It should be noted that Wall made a fantastic hitter, not even needing a bat, though he couldn't catch for the life of him.
  2. Or brick.
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