Walker, Texas Ranger
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A god amongst men Walker, Texas Ranger is the eternal enemy of evil, slurpies, good acting, people who steal women and children, and engaging dialogue. And under closer examination, when he performs a round house kick, he actually rapes his victim in the anus, has a stiff drink and smokes a cuban cigar all in the tenths of a second before he completes the fatal roundhouse kick.
edit The King of Texas
Walker, Texas Ranger comes from a long line of Texas Rangers which, like the Queen of England and the Governor general of Canada, are merely a figurehead in the actual governmental process, but like Bruce Lee, kick butt royally, as it were. Every leader of this elite order is declared the King of Texas and is given a portion of land taxes. He is referred to as his Highness, my Lord, King of the Texans, or the Walker. Every leader is considered perfect and without sin as long as the Wanker is speaking on the seat of power and the words are regarded as absolute truth without question.
The prophecies speak of the time to come when Texas will finally assert its dominance above that of France and will prove once and for all that Jane Fonda, the first monarch of the new French Order is in fact a closet admirer of Wayne Newton and aligned politically with the Hamster Awareness Society of the Greater Toledo Metropolitan Area. The leader of this uprising will vanquish the Dark Corruptor of Culture and Giver of Herpes, Carson Daly, declare that day Jack Bauer day, and proclaim the inferiority of technical schools to that of community colleges. This man will be great and will possess years of power.
edit History of Rangerhood
No one really gives a shit where in the hell it came from. The only thing America wants to know is:
1. Who would win Rambo or Walker?
2. Will he be running for president in 2012?
3. Is his beard authen- *SMACK*
4. Who was stupid enough to ask Number 3?
edit Who in the hell keeps calling Him (Capitalization on Him is necessary)Wanker
Rangers were once a part of the elite English anti-terrorist unit, the Black Watch which itself was brought about by the need to infiltrate the Catholic Priesthood during the Spanish Inquisition. The initial group of Rangers swore their fealty to Chuck Norris, the founder of the Rangers at the battle of Pecos River in which the Rangers were essential to victory using the controversial Picard Maneuver. Ever since, the King has also been known by the title, Walker much in the same way as the Caesars.
edit The Ranger Creed
The Rangers are responsible for the general public welfare of the Republic of Texas. Every Ranger swears against Al Gore, hippies, inferior plastic products, and pictures of broccoli, all of which are considered questionable at best and most of the time considered capable of causing root canals and lawyers.
Whereas the purpose of a ninja is to flip out and kill people, the purpose of a Ranger is to stay cool and shoot people. Every Ranger carries three guns on his person and is capable of piloting a nuclear submarine, doing long division of polynomials, and assaulting Jay Leno. Upon acceptance into the order of the Rangers, the new Ranger is taught Judo, Tae-Bo, accounting, Maxwell’s Equations, and the hexadecimal codes for all ASCII characters. Every Ranger is licensed to kill, drive, shoot, spit, gesture wildly, and make inappropriate jokes at funerals. Upon completion of the School of Rangerhood, the new member is given a cache of golden bullets with which to slay hermaphrodites and to cure athletes foot.
edit Historical Basis
Walker, Texas Ranger is loosely based on the life of our fearless leader George Walker Bush during his ownership of the Texas Rangers. During this time, his selfless acts of heroism were nothing short of Jesus. Unfortunately at this time George (Washington) Walker (Texas Ranger) Bush (a plant) existence is in dispute and some evidence has come to light that he is actually an android similar to Arto Deeto except controlled by the fearless god, Hitler. Of course Walker is much more commonly refered to the "god of men" otherwise known as "the man who could kill you by crushing your skull between his thumb and forefinger." It should be noted that Walker is apparently behind all of the overthrows of violent evil beings from Zarg.
In the eyes of a ranger,
The unsuspecting stranger,
Had better know the truth of wrong from right,
'Cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you,
Any wrong you do, he's gonna see,
When you're in Texas, look behind you,
'Cause that's where the ranger's gonna be.
Walker, Texas Ranger shows Chuck Norris at his modest best. He is willing to share the spotlight with a darkie, Deputy Trivett. He shows that negras are safe, as this oreo wear's a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, never looks at white women (except when he's kissing Walker's girlfriend's ass) and is unfailing deferential to Walker.
Walker, Texas Ranger teaches that blacks can work with whites. Look how in every episode Deputy Trivial is there to slap the cuffs on the twenty rocket launcher carrying Ninja mercenaries that Walker just subdued with his pinkie finger.
Walker, Texas Ranger shows that mud people can actually learn things. Like on the few occasions where Deputy Trivial actually throws a punch at a bad guy (one sneaking up behind Walker while Walker is busy subduing his twenty cohorts, of course), Walker will turn around in surprise. But Deputy Trivial gives proper credit, "Good thing you taught me that move yesterday, Walker!"
Walker, Texas Ranger teaches little porch monkies that Texas is full of White Supremacist criminals just drooling at the thought of stealing everything you have and killing you and poisoning your dog. But that if you are an Uncle Tom, ass kissing, sycophantic vaguely homosexual eunuch, you can get along in Texas just fine. Well, if you are lucky enough to be the token afro in the Texas Rangers, that is.
And how does Walker destroy injustice as well as racism? Easy, just ask the District Attorney that he sleeps with. Trials go so much faster and smoother when everyone you arrest is guaranteed a very, very speedy trial.
Walker and his girlfriend are big believers in fairness. It just wouldn't be fair to arrest and try innocent people, so Walker and his squeeze only arrest and try the guilty!
edit Facts about Walker,Texas Ranger
It is well known that Walker, Texas Ranger is responsible for peace in the middle east, the downfall of the soviet union, and of course the assassination of Bin laden. Before Walker, Texas Ranger, the cast were original Navy Seals. Also before Walker, Martin Luther King gave a famous speech called "I have a dream" which was actually just a promo for the series.