Wales

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Civil War)
(some serious trimming and tidying)
 
(60 intermediate revisions by 32 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Whoops|Jimbo Wales|Lech Wałęsa}}
 
 
 
{| class="toccolours" border="1" cellpadding="4" style="float: right; margin: 0 0 1em 1em; width:46ex; border-collapse: collapse; font-size: 90%; clear: right"
 
{| class="toccolours" border="1" cellpadding="4" style="float: right; margin: 0 0 1em 1em; width:46ex; border-collapse: collapse; font-size: 90%; clear: right"
|+ style="margin-left: inherit; font-size: 120%;" |'''Common name:''' '''''Whales'''''<br>'''Official designation: ''The Kingdom of Whales'' '''<br>'''Other name(s): ''Welsh: Sheepmru <br>English: Sheep <br>Scots: hawhaw sheep''
 
 
|-
 
|-
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
 
{| style="background:none;width:45ex"
 
{| style="background:none;width:45ex"
 
|- align=center
 
|- align=center
| [[Image:George and Welsh Dragon.svg|300px]]
+
| [[File:Welsh flag01.jpg|300px]]
 
|- align=center
 
|- align=center
 
| <small>('''Current Flag''')</small>
 
| <small>('''Current Flag''')</small>
 
|}
 
|}
|-
 
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
{| style="background:none;width:45ex"
 
|- align=center
 
| [[Image:Wales dragon sheep flag.svg|200px]]
 
|- align=center
 
| <small>('''Pre-1535 flag''')</small>
 
|}
 
 
|- align=center style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- align=center style="vertical-align: top;"
| style="font-size:90%" colspan="2" | Motto: ''Tidy''
+
| style="font-size:90%" colspan="2" | Motto: ''Cymru am byth'' (Welsh)
 
|- align=center style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- align=center style="vertical-align: top;"
| style="font-size:90%" colspan="2" | [[Anthem]]: Islands in the Stream
+
| style="font-size:90%" colspan="2" | [[Anthem]]: ''Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau''
|- align=center
+
''It's not as bad as you think''
| colspan="2" style="background:#ffffff;" |[[Image:satelliteimage of wales.jpg|200px|Erghhh! Who cummed on that?!]]
 
|-
 
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Capital'''
 
| '''Capital'''
| Cardick / Borth / Baamouth
+
| [[Cardiff]]
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
| '''Largest&nbsp;city'''
 
| [[Tesco]]
 
|-
 
| '''National day'''
 
| St Daffydill's Day (Welsh: ''Dydd Gŵr Drewi'')
 
 
|-
 
|-
 
| '''Population'''
 
| '''Population'''
| 4,000 cofi gonts <br> 800,000 Poles <br> 700,000,000 illiterate <br> 5,000,000 Sheep (debated)
+
| 3,000,000 people <br> 10,000,000 Sheep
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Language|Official languages]]'''
 
| '''[[Language|Official languages]]'''
| 0% [[Welsh]], 26% Pakistani, 32% Polski, 200% Sheep, Regional variations of welsh 15%
+
| 0% [[Welsh]], 75% regional variations of Welsh, 95% English, 5% Inarticulate
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Government]]'''
 
| '''[[Government]]'''
| [[Anarchy]]
+
| Yes.
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
| '''[[Boss|Patron Saint]]'''
 
| [[Welsh|Dy Fam, so taw ia gont]]
 
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
| '''[[Pointless|The powerless monarchy boss]]'''
 
| Catherine Zeta Jones
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|style="white-space: nowrap;" |'''[[Hero|National Hero(es)]]'''
 
| Barry Welsh<br/>Owain Glyndwp<br/>St Dafad
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Currency]]'''
 
| Wool
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Religion]]'''
 
| Pub, Killing the english
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Major exports'''
 
| [[Sheep]], [[Pot Noodle]], Tom Jones, [[Coal]], Quality Slate
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Major imports
 
| [[Sheep]], [[Pakistan]], [[Rain]]
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Animal|National Anthem]]'''
 
| "''[[Drunk|dirty deeds done with sheep]]''", sung by John Redwood with Cacaphonia
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Time|Opening Hours]]'''
 
| Any time - we're flexible
 
 
|}
 
|}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
 
   
 
[[File:Flag wall.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Flag painted on a wall in Wales as a sign of friendship with the English.]]
 
[[File:Flag wall.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Flag painted on a wall in Wales as a sign of friendship with the English.]]
   
:'' '''Before reading any further, please be warned:''' The (European) government have declared that anyone carrying out research on Wales, the [[Welsh]], or on Welsh History (by which, afore mentioned mandate includes the reading this article), must first be required to correctly answer the following question: "How do you get two Whales in a Mini?"''
+
'''Wales''' or '''Cymru''' is a county that forms part of the United Kingdom or Teyrnas Gyfunol. It has an extensive coastline or morlin and has a number of mountainous areas, notably Snowdon or Yr Wyddfa. As you can probably tell thus far one of the proudest Welsh achievements is the spreading of their language into absolutely every part of life in Wales. While it is normally accepted that a nation's language will proliferate amongst its citizens the Welsh language is spoken fluently by so few that its appearance in Wales is as much a mystery to the majority of its residents. The main impact that the language has had upon Welsh culture is that it prompts motorists to drive more slowly in order to accommodate the additional time required to read the road signs; a procedure that normally involves reading the Welsh, failing to understand it in any way and immediately searching for the English translation.
   
'''Wales''' is a country, about the size of Wales, with mountains so high that the clouds had to grow legs and trotters to walk over them (hence becoming [[sheep]]), and where Jonah was once swallowed up on the beach. It is also the birthplace of Moby Dick. Its geographical proximity to [[England]] is of no consequence to either country's inhabitants, and over the years, several attempts have been made to separate the one from the other.
+
Wales established itself as a country shortly after the departure of the Romans in the 5th century. On their departure the Romans took a number of things with them, plumbing, infrastructure and almost all of the vowels. Strict vowel rationing has been in force in Wales ever since with amusing names like Llywelyn ap Gruffudd displaying the most most vowels one is ever likely to see in one place.
 
Famously, Wales has many areas of outstanding natural beauty: the Gower coast, the mountains of Snowdonia, the ferry trip as it parts Hollyhead towards [[Ireland]], and the Eastward-drive over the Severn bridge (which is free if you're travelling in the right direction). In fact, one of the few things that Wales lacks is an East Coast, a concept much favoured by England but voted out of parliament democratically on more than 300 occasions (only Michael Heseltine's bid to become Prime Minister has been voted out more frequently).
 
 
Wales is also well known for being the birthplace of a new cult religion: Dollyanity. Its followers worship Dolly, a cloned sheep. Mocked by [[Church of England]] goers for their corny and downright asinine beliefs, Welsh Dollyans (as the followers are known) often retort: "Well at least our leader ''did'' come back to life". It is also a country well known for its [[Druids]] and [[Wizards]]. [[Gandalf the Gray]] was both but left the country to seek fame and fortune in [[New Zealand]].
 
 
There <del>have been many</del> has even been a successful Welsh man throughout the course of history. [[David Lloyd George]] somehow managed to become Prime Minister (which is more than can be said for Hesletine), although it is today widely believed that the ballot-paper-writers believed that David, Lloyd and George were three separate people, and wrote their names down three times accordingly. Neil Kinnock also tried to become Prime Minister, but somehow managed to convince people to vote for [[Maggie Thatcher|Maggie]] instead, even though they all hated her. Ryan Giggs is often credited as being Welsh too, although the truth is that he was born in Cardiff, which is borderline by anyone's standards. Michael Owen (the wendyballer not the former captain of the Welsh Rugby team) decided definitively not to be Welsh, and in a strange turn of insanity pretend to be Scouser; apparently preferring to be knocked out of international tournaments on penalties at the knock-out stages, as opposed to taking the more intelligent option of deliberately losing in the qualifying rounds, and spending summer holidays in the Bahamas instead.
 
 
Some people also claim that [[Bernie Ecclestone]] is Welsh, though we would prefer to admit that he is from [[Narnia]], for obvious reasons. [[Ian Hislop]], (aka the short grouchy one who keeps losing to tubs of lard on "Have I Got News for You") was born in Wales. He, however, keeps this quiet, and prefers to remain more closely affiliated with... [[Boris_Johnson|tubs of lard]]. Which is just fine by us boyo.
 
   
  +
The country is often described as having a great deal of "cultural identity" and it is difficult to argue that this is not the case. It is much easier to argue that in this case the phrase cultural identity is a euphemism for "Sheep" and "Rain" which Wales has in abundance all year round. The Welsh have worked hard to establish themselves as a nation of song, there being very little else to do whilst travelling around Aberystwyth. The country also boasts a strong Rugby Union team, while supporting the Rugby team is not compulsory, almost everybody does as supporting the football team is quite a depressing experience.
   
 
==History==
 
==History==
Wales, commonly referred to as "better than Belgium", "England's Patio", or "The Buttocks of Britain", was founded in 27,000 BC by illiterate sheep worshippers; other sources suggest that Wales was founded by the Grand Turnip (The current main religion of Wales after Carrot-ism). Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states, each with their own way of "playing" with the local sheep. Continuous wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful allied victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfelgar in the year 250AD. A bizarre election campaign filled with scandals led to the election of a dyslexic tyrant, Dvaid Smiht, who promptly named the newly-formed country after his aquatic gods. Another legend had it that Wales was actually a bastardisation of Wanker, but this is probably just the [[English]] being "witty" as always. The name is now thought to come from the fact that the country is the size of an average whale and the people get the name [[Welsh]] due to being filled with flab and being made from the gut of whale.
+
Wales has been inhabited by humans for some 29,000 years, which just goes to show that it was once a lovely place to live. Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states, each with their own dialect, farming methods and tolerance towards the other states. Wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfel<ref>Welsh for 'controversy' and 'war'.</ref>. That is until war broke out again and the in-fighting continued and would probably still be going to this day had the Romans not arrived in AD 48.
 
===Beginning ===
 
Wales was previously a safe haven for Celts to live in peace from the invading Nazis of Germany and their mercantile views. As refugees in Wales grew in number they decided to form an alliance of musicians and decided to name this haven Walia (land of wailers). Three decades later and the Welsh had planned that they would sing the Anglo-Saxons out of England and back into the hideous lands of Schleswig-Holstein. But the offense was not necessary as the Germans were having problems with the Vikings and were also wishing for an invading force to leave. Soon however the Anglo-Saxons were pushed south and tensions between Welsh/[[Cornish]] people and Anglo-Saxon people grew. Primarily as to whether the country should be called England or Britain. Wars broke out whereby the Celtic Welsh would stand there blasting music out with all their might while the Anglo-Saxon warriors lanced at them chopping torsos. But finally a truce was brought out and it was decided that the country be called England but the piece of physical land residing on it would be called [[Britain]]. Peace at last for the Welsh.
 
 
===Invasion===
 
 
It was not long before the first pillow fight since the days of the city states. A fear of conquest rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans vanquished their little girls. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while. At the final battle the Welsh ran out of lipstick and as a last resort turned to their women and druids. The pagan leaders began screaming their fearsome war chant, “Fluffy Bunnies, Fluffy Bunnies”. They were joined by vicious naked bunnies wildly screaming and waving Celtic standards. The Romans fled in terror, fearing both the magic and the dreadful prospect of marital-like interaction.
 
 
Since this great victory the Welsh have honoured their saviours. The men repeat the fearsome chant at every opportunity, while the women roam the towns in all weather, wearing next to nothing.
 
 
==="Sheepland"===
 
 
 
It is common knowledge that there are no whales in Wales. There are only sheep and <s>seaweed-eating sheep-human hybrids, mistakenly known as</s> humans.
 
 
Contrary to popular belief, the average Welshman is not half-man-half-sheep, but is in fact 52.306% sheep and some regional variation may occur. Some areas have as little as 39.2% sheep DNA mixed with human, but some areas have as high as ~70% (it is not safe for "normal" humans to enter these areas for a large length of time so the exact percentage cannot be found).
 
 
A popular myth that Welsh are 100% sheep was disproven when they were asked to vote on whether they preferred being ruled by the Welsh or by the English. If the Welsh had been sheep they would all have voted the same way as each other, but as it was, they couldn't make up their minds at all. So as a compromise, a Welshman called Ron Davies was crowned as Prince of Wales, but he ruled from Clapham Common in England. Sine though, Prince Ron Davies was overthrown by a herd of evil sheep led by Shaun who was then crowned Prince after making a cameo appearance in Wallace and Gromit,leading to him landing his own show.
 
   
===Disastrous Union===
+
===The Roman Conquest and beyond===
In 1250 a sudden and cataclysmic [[earthquake]] joined Wales to England. For the first ten seconds of this union the people of both countries were bewildered, confused and wary. On the 11th second a Welshman by the name of Taffy Triog became the first man to cross the border, where he entered a traditional English Cantonese restaurant. There was no way he could have foreseen that his decision to take two Mint Imperials from the bar would define Welsh-English relationships for a [[millennium]]. Within days the English poem “Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief” became #1 in the Poetry Charts with a record 71 sales.
+
The fear of conquest that rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans invaded Britain encouraged them to stop fighting each other over the correct spelling of the word "Peace" <ref>There are at least three</ref>. Thirty years of fighting followed, this mostly involved running down steep hills in loincloths and then running back up them again, a strategy the Romans evidently found quite vexing as it took them 30 years to subjugate the most "spirited" tribes; the Silures and the Ordovices. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while, so at least the geography was the real winner.
   
For the next 544 years Taffy’s legacy lived on with constant fighting and wars between the Welsh and the English. A somewhat comical accident during the Battle of Porth-y-Gest became the basis of another popular song. A shot from a Welshman’s bow broke the wheel of an unfortunate English soldier’s chariot. As his vehicle flipped into the air the soldier fell to ground and before he could safely roll away the chariot came crashing down towards him. Although he managed to avoid the main body of the chariot, one of the spokes struck him in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. The resulting song is now one of the national anthems of Wales.
+
Roman rule in Wales lasted over 300 years, evidently the Romans saw something in Wales that modern tourists consistently fail to see, perhaps it didn't rain quite so much.
   
In the 17th Century, Wales was used as a prison by the English. No chains or walls were needed as no one could read the signs so any potential escapee got lost. The Welsh, however, began training the prisoners to pillage English villages and play rugby. In 1694, after a crushing 11-9 defeat at the Tregynnog National Stadium, the English abandoned the whole scheme.
+
The departure of the Romans in 540 AD threw Wales into turmoil, having spent several centuries being "encouraged" not to kill each other by the Romans, many did not feel that a return to the ways of their ancestors would prove to be the most beneficial solution. This problem was quickly solved by the arrival of the Goths, who unsportingly killed thousands in the southern regions of Britain. Eventually the kingdoms of Gwynedd, Powys, Dyfed and Seisyllg, Morgannwg and Gwent emerged as independent Welsh states. These Welsh states tirelessly worked together to establish the fair division of Wales and its sovereignty from England. Not really, they started a war with each other that only ended when they agreed that the only people that they hated more than each other were the English, so fought with them instead.
   
In the year 1794 Sir John Roache, with the help of the [[British Army]], called an end to the fighting by separating Wales from England using a fruit knife (See the [[England#Geography|England]] article for more information on this historic event). Nowadays the country of Wales floats freely and happily in the Atlantic Ocean and for this reason is only shown on maps of Europe when it floats within range of the edge of the sheet.
+
You may be getting the impression that the Welsh were a very unpleasant and disagreeable people, this is of course not the universal case, they were all very unpleasant and ''violent'' people.
   
 
===A Legislature of their Own===
 
===A Legislature of their Own===
Line 100: Line 59:
   
 
===Civil War===
 
===Civil War===
Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House. Frayed tempers soon erupted into conflict when a small and highly trained army from the South kidnapped Robin McBryde, holding him hostage. The North retaliated by kidnapping [[Dr. Who]].
+
Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House.
   
The buffer zone between North and South is known by its own, internal inhabitants as "Mid Wales". Borders are disputed, but are believed to originate somewhere between Pwllheli and [[Aberystwyth]]. However, in official parlance the term "Demilitarised Zone" is preferred, as all of our soldiers have been sent off to die somewhere abroad, like [[Afghanistan]] or [[Croydon]]. Wales is believed to have stockpiled plentiful arsenals of weapons-grade [[boredom]] and [[dysentery]], two of the country's main exports before the North switched over to sour grapefruit Juche.
+
The buffer zone between North and South is known by its own, internal inhabitants as "Mid Wales". Borders are disputed, but are believed to originate somewhere between Pwllheli and [[Aberystwyth]]. However, in official parlance the term "Demilitarised Zone" is preferred, as the British army is currently engaged in conflicts abroad, in [[Afghanistan]] and [[Croydon]].
   
 
While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North, Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, that is, that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.
 
While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North, Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, that is, that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.
Line 109: Line 68:
 
Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.
 
Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.
   
In 1259 the Last King of Wales, Llywelyn the Daft, decided to try and cut Wales off from England, and float off somewhere warmer, Australia probably. So Llywelyn set all the men of the kingdom to dig down as far as they could until they reached the bottom of the sea, and they could float off. The Englishmen helped as well, because they were sick of the sight of the Welsh people as well, and the smell of cheese. Obviously, with a medieval understanding of geology the whole enterprise was doomed to failure. To take their revenge, Llywelyn's men cut off his willy, to the cry of "off with his dick". There is a permanent trench between Wales and England, named after Llywelyn's method of death, these days known as Offa's Dyke. The Welsh people never forgot this ambition, and when they discovered Australia they named it New Wales, but again the English people foiled their plans, and only New South Wales remains of this.
+
In 1259 the Last King of Wales, Llywelyn the Daft, decided to try and cut Wales off from England, and float off somewhere warmer, Australia probably. So Llywelyn set all the men of the kingdom to dig down as far as they could until they reached the bottom of the sea, and they could float off. The Englishmen helped as well, because they were sick of the sight of the Welsh people as well, and the smell of cheese. Obviously, with a medieval understanding of geology the whole enterprise was doomed to failure. To take their revenge, Llywelyn's men cut off his willy, to the cry of "off with his dick". There is a permanent trench between Wales and England, named after Llywelyn's method of <s>death</s> disgrace, these days known as Offa's Dyke. The Welsh people never forgot this ambition, and when they discovered Australia they named it New Wales, but again the English people foiled their plans, and only New South Wales remains of this.
 
==Famous People from Wales, aka the Welsh Government==
 
 
Anthony Hopkins, y'know the guy who plays the psycho Hannibal Lecter in Silence of The Lambs
 
 
Richard Burton, the best thing to come out of Port Talbot.
 
 
Dylan Thomas, y'know that poet writer Under Milk Wood guy
 
 
Michael Sheen, y'know that guy who played Tony Blair in The Queen
 
 
Catherine Zeta Jones, y'know the girl who's married to that sugar daddy
 
 
Princess Diana of Wales, y'know that dead English bitch
 
 
Loztprophetz, y'know that band from that place, Pontypridd or some shit like that.
 
 
Shirley Bassey, if you don't know who that is then you are a retard.
 
 
Charlotte Church, you know that one hit wonder tart from the roughest part of Wales.
 
 
Tom Jones, y'know, that singer who was REALLY pissed off that he wasn't born black.
 
 
Henry Morgan, y'know the pirate famous for having his own rum brand "Captain Morgan's".
 
 
<s>[[Moby Dick]]</s> -- oh, wait, he was a whale.
 
   
 
==Geography==
 
==Geography==
Line 123: Line 82:
   
   
===Climate===
+
==Climate==
* Highest maximum temperature: When the sun comes out (albeit covered by rain clouds) and the temperature reads -10 degrees Celsius. And everyone thinks it's warm.
+
* Highest maximum temperature: When the sun comes out (albeit covered by rain clouds) and the temperature reads -10 degrees Celsius.
* Lowest minimum temperature: Absolute zero
+
* Lowest minimum temperature: You'll know when the air's frozen
 
* Minimum number of hours of sunshine in a day: N/A
 
* Minimum number of hours of sunshine in a day: N/A
 
* Average yearly rainfall in MM: Several Miles
 
* Average yearly rainfall in MM: Several Miles
* Yearly sunshine: No one knows, there are too many clouds
+
* Yearly sunshine: Unknown, there are too many clouds
* On average Wales has 2 days of summer in a decade.<ref>Welsh Meteorological Centre (also known as Betty).</ref>
 
   
==National Anthem==
+
==Sport==
In 1942 under Adolf Hitler's command all the way from Germany, the National anthem was changed from the classic ' England Wae Fek Whales ' to the greatly anticipated 'Hae gyvs ay shaet abau Wales', sung drunkenly at every gig that its original composers and performers Derwyddon Dr. Gonzo go to - and it has just caught on.
 
*The song goes like this..
 
:'Dwi'n mynd i frifo chdi,
 
:dwi'n mynd i frifo chdi,
 
:dwi'n mynd i frifo chdi
 
:Neud i chdi waedu.'
 
 
It simply translates into ..
 
 
The English are scum, plain and simple.
 
 
Fans enjoy singing it, especially in rugby games when Wales beat the English. The English believe that its some kind of voodoo directed towards them, and it is. Please don't tell an Englishman about that translation - is supposed to be a secret between the Welsh. The concept of the song is thought to be the main attraction for the German freak Hitler .. one thing that Hitler and Wales share in common .....
 
 
===Sport===
 
 
The national sport of Wales is arguing. A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason, even if secretly he agrees. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder, with whom they disagree completely.
 
The national sport of Wales is arguing. A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason, even if secretly he agrees. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder, with whom they disagree completely.
   
Following the 3rd Law of Physics, which states that every country has to be good at something, the Welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times. The English struggle with this, and are often prone to hissy girly fits of jealousy. Also, while playing rugby against Welsh women, the English normally run away scared making the excuse that they are "going for a pot of tea". Though it must be noted that the Welsh have thus far failed to win any significant international tournament and indeed were incapable of beating the fearsome nation of Fiji in the last world cup. However they gained their revenge by getting the EU to nuke Fiji.
+
Following the unwritten laws of national sports, which states that every country has to be good at something, the Welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times. The English struggle with this, and are often prone to fits of jealousy. However it must be noted that the Welsh have thus far failed to win any [[Anything|significant international tournament]] and indeed were incapable of beating the fearsome nation of Fiji in the last world cup.
 
The national stadium of Wales is the Millenium Stadium, which has an all seater capacity of 5 and its own county council. Other grounds sometimes used for for national events include The Racecourse in [[Wrexham]] and Dan-Yr-Ogof Caves.
 
   
 
Historically, the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortunately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.
 
Historically, the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortunately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.
   
A popular sport is the '''Welsh Pentathalon''', which is a team sport consisting of four events: male voice [[choir]] singing, love spoon carving, the consumption of [[Brains]], and listening to Shirley Bassey.
+
A popular sport is the '''Welsh Pentathalon''', which is a team sport consisting of four events: male voice [[choir]] singing, spoon carving, origami, and male voice solo. A by-product of this has been the mass migration of those with brains to the South East of England.
   
The favoured sport in rural Wales is traditional sheep racing, where they particularly enjoy jumping up and down near there rear end.
+
The traditional English game of Countdown was invented in Wales, however this was quickly dropped when they ran out of consonants.
The Welsh are particularly pompous about sport as they take the credit when a BRITISH sportsman wins a cup in the Olympics.
 
   
The traditional English game of Countdown was invented in Wales, however this was quickly dropped when they ran out of consonants. The rules and playing of the game was thought to be so complex, that only all Prestatyns Maths Brainbox of the Year Champion, one Carol Vorderman, was able to understand it, and so was recruited as its co-presenter.
+
==Library==
  +
There is one [[Library]] in Wales. This is called "The National Library" and is situated in [[Aberystwyth]]. It has a collection of over 40 books and is world renowned as being the only library in the world with more staff than books.
   
===Sheep = Sheeple - the science behind it===
+
==Culture==
What animal is mentally dull, uncritically capitulates to group pressure and goes beh, beh, beh?
 
It's the English of course!
 
This is a defining characteristic of English people and the Welsh person is in the happy position of being able to gauge the extent to which someone is uninspired, subservient to authority(and English!) simply by monitoring their behavior.
 
In his ground breaking study "Towards a measure of suckarsedness through the quantification of bleating - YOU SCUM" , a certain Dr RubberFingers(unemployed) was able to demonstrate the distribution of suckarsedness in an areal pattern. Groups from every key demographic were taken in this worldwide study and individually exposed to a Welsh person. Their sheeplike behavior was then carefully recorded and held in a database so that they can be stigmatized for all time.
 
Perhaps surprisingly the study proved the Welsh were in fact 75% English.
 
It is a scientific fact.
 
 
===Library===
 
There is one [[Library]] in Wales. This is called "The National Library" and is situated in [[Aberystwyth]]. Its has a collection of over 40 books (mostly "The Adventures of Spot" )and is world renowned for its tea making facilities. The [[Library]] was supposed to be opened by Gareth Shanks in 1857 but [[Dr Who]], using his TARDIS, sneaked back to 1856 and opened it early.
 
 
In 2001, the Welsh County Council awarded one of the largest grants in Welsh history - £45.63 - to fund a new "Travelling National Library" in the form of a moped to ensure that Welsh people living in the country's remote Nether Regions had access to Wales's most famous work of literature: "Ivor the Engine v Superted - Deathmatch".
 
 
===Long Names===
 
[[Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch]] is Wales' shortest place name; its longest place name is omitted from this article out of fear that the website's server fee would be increased. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch was decided after Aled Jones and Shaun the Sheep (Shaun the Sheep being Aled Jones' boyfriend) were playing a game of [[Scrabble]] when Fireman Sam pushed over their game. The letter pieces coincidentally landed in a line to spell out this word. As the 59-letter-word looked vaguely Welsh, Jones decided to name a small town after it. And so the town of Cwmditch was promptly renamed. The threefold Triple Word Bonus for this play has repeatedly helped balance the regional budget.
 
   
 
===Eisteddfod===
 
===Eisteddfod===
A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent). It is said to recreate the mythological sacrifice of the Ffalabalam teddies as set out in ancient texts from 1903. Recent research however suggests that this to be a mistranslation of the original text which was actually just a weather report from Sian Lloyd.
+
A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent).
   
The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Loads of [[dirty old men]] dressed up in bedsheets and table cloths, ogling scantily-clad little girls and boys frolicking about in an orgy of self-adulation. (Perverts to the rest of you.) Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 is at the Youth Village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 is in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.
+
The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Loads of [[dirty old men]] dressed up in bedsheets and table cloths ogle scantily-clad little girls and boys frolicking about in an orgy of self-adulation. (Perverts to the rest of you.) Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 is at the Youth Village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 is in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.
   
The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing Mi Welais Jac y Do. All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some local had stolen the chair and, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.
+
The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing "Mi Welais Jac y Do". All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some locals had stolen the chair and, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.
   
 
===Art===
 
===Art===
[[Portal:Art|Art]] is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists. It used to be a national pastime to paint beautiful slogans on houses. Some locals protested to having their houses decorated - thankfully, English visitors who owned holiday homes in Wales welcomed the artists with open arms and tourist villages such as Abersoch became a haven for art lovers.
+
[[Portal:Art|Art]] is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists or the Welsh language.
In the 1970s a campaign group of Philistines waged a war against Welsh art by burning down the buildings on which these slogans were painted. The poor holiday home owners, who had done so much for Welsh culture by giving the space for the artists to draw, were left without a home to visit on the weekends.
 
 
Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like necrotising fasciitis infections in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws-y-Coed Working Men's Club.
 
 
===Crime===
 
Contrary to the precedent set by (Tom) Jones the (sex) Thief, [[crime]] is low in Wales. The two most common crimes are ram-raiding and having sex with a miner, the latter being considered a heinous offence because they are the primary workforce of the country and are typically not allowed to have fun. The miners' foremen discourage fun because they are certain that it muddles the brain and causes distraction which has been demonstrated to be a leading cause death amongst mine workers. However, sheep sex is both legal and socially encouraged especially as most welsh lamb is sold locally and they love the taste of the seasoning.Many crimes today are caused by sheep theft and tractor hit 'n' run, very slowly.
 
   
===Fetishes===
+
Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like Necrotising Fasciitis in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws-y-Coed Working Men's Club.
[[File:Some Men Like Sheep Poster Fixed.png|thumb|right|150px|The poster used in 2012's 'Some Men Like Sheep' campaign supporting human/sheep marriage. The poster was pulled when offence was taken on giving 'men' first billing over 'sheep.']]
 
Welsh people had an obsession with sheep, finding them more attractive than the opposite gender, as they like the 'wildness' of the sex. With the sheep having human-sheep babies, a weird language soon began to form among the younger generation and this is nowadays known as [[Welsh Language|The Welsh Language]]. As you have noticed not even the Welsh can spell their own language - particularly noticeable on roadsigns - due to the sheep side effects. It is believed that the first white sheep was developed in Wales after years of inter-breeding and incest. In recent years the Welsh have found out a new use for sheep - wool.
 
   
 
==Language==
 
==Language==
Line 161: Line 120:
   
 
The Welsh speak English as their first language, but they all pretend to speak the Welsh language when TV cameras are near, when threatened, or upon the sight of foreigners and Englishmen (even though they don't know what they're saying).
 
The Welsh speak English as their first language, but they all pretend to speak the Welsh language when TV cameras are near, when threatened, or upon the sight of foreigners and Englishmen (even though they don't know what they're saying).
 
There is a small town in Wales known as "Walesia" which is 50% English and 50% Swedish speaking. By law, all visitors to this town must be fluent in one or the other of these languages, and not in Welsh.
 
 
This as a result of the migration of a cult from the Swedish community of Arboga in 1934 who believed that Wales is the promised land. The cult is now largely dead but the town retains its distinctly Swedish culture and traditions such as the "Annual Meatball Harvest Festival" along with the "Eurovision Song Contest".
 
 
==Welsh Colonies==
 
 
===Welsh Congo===
 
The [[Welsh Congo]] is actually the Welsh name for England, but the English do not know this because they've been in The Matrix since 905AD. There is a rather spiffy article on it on Uncyclopedia, which you also are on unless you are a psychic or a Psyduck reading the mind of someone who ''is'' on Uncyclopedia.
 
 
===Welsh Patagonia===
 
In 1865, a group of Welshmen who had grown weary of their wet, inhospitable and infertile land moved to the wet, inhospitable and infertile land of Patagonia in Argentina. When they discovered that no-one there knew English they happily settled. Today the [[Welsh language]] is still spoken in some parts of Patagonia. Local cafés still advertise “Sgons & Jam” for sale, while the local [[McDonald's]](known throughout wales as ApDonaldiau) allows you to order, as the Welsh do, “Ap-go-Fawr sglodion ffrengig a Choc plis."
 
   
 
==Economy==
 
==Economy==
Line 180: Line 127:
   
 
==Education==
 
==Education==
The educational system in wales is basically children held at gunpoint and forced to learn an impossible language, sing in choirs, and acting (in hope of one day featuring on s4c).
+
The educational system in Wales is basically children being forced to learn an [[Welsh language|impossible language]], sing in choirs, and act. Homework usually consists of conjugating a lot of [[verb]]s that would much rather be doing something more interesting, and [[AWOL|often do]]. When the verbs get away, the poor student trying to control them is usually blamed for it.
 
==The Valleys==
 
 
Not those giant hills that for some reason are called valleys, but the T.V. show that features overgrown Oompa Loompas and 'Sluts'. All that are truly Welsh hate this show. Basically a bunch of idiots and sluts get chosen to go and live in Cardiff, which is about a 20 minute train ride from Bridgend (which is somehow part of the valleys), just to take part in a modelling shoot and the biggest piss up of their lives. This show features these Oompa Loompas' dreams and wishes but as soon as they are all put in a room together their primal instincts activate and they have sex. [[Nobody]] has ever seen such jacked up horny bastards in anyone's entire life.
 
 
The creators, MTV, put in one decent bloke anyway, who happens to be a gay rugby player. He just takes the piss out of them constantly and it is quite funny to watch.
 
 
==Hey Jude==
 
There was once a famous man who sang the Beatles version of Hey Jude, this man then went on to be the first man to ever leave Wales in the search for civilization.
 
 
==Goldie Lookin Chain==
 
Were made Saints after being the only people able to read who were born in Newport. Worshipped throughout wales as the most intelligent men in the country.
 
   
===University of Wales===
+
In spite of these difficulties, the system is greatly improved from the days when children were forced to learn an [[English language|even more impossible language]].
   
Universities in Wales were abolished over a century ago. It was thought that the English were trying to control the minds and souls of the Welsh. As such, a learned Welsh scholar who held multiply doctorates from Universities throughout Wales decided to abolish universities. He remains today the smartest Welsh sheep. Some have come to challenge this claim, but they are often drunk and dismissed.
 
   
 
==References==
 
==References==
Line 192: Line 138:
 
* [[Welsh language]]
 
* [[Welsh language]]
 
* [[Cardiff]]
 
* [[Cardiff]]
* [[Coal]]
+
* [[Aberystwyth]]
 
* [[Choir]]
 
* [[Choir]]
 
* [[Rain]]
 
* [[Rain]]
Line 200: Line 146:
 
* [[Blackwood]]
 
* [[Blackwood]]
 
* [[Cwmbrân]]
 
* [[Cwmbrân]]
* [[Slate industry in Wales]]
+
* [[Welsh Expansionalist Movement]]
 
* [[Corgi]]
 
* [[Aberystwyth]]
 
* [[Lampeter]]
 
* [[Dolphins]]
 
* [[The Great Welsh Fire]]
 
* [[My visit with Aunt Myfanwy]]
 
* [[Llanfyllin]]
 
* [[Penally]]
 
 
{{Britain}}
 
{{Britain}}
   
[[Category:Wales| ]]
+
[[Category:Wales]]
 
[[Category:States and territories of Australia]]
 
[[Category:States and territories of Australia]]
 
[[Category:Geography of the United Kingdom]]
 
[[Category:Geography of the United Kingdom]]
Line 210: Line 156:
 
[[Category:Oceans]]
 
[[Category:Oceans]]
   
[[cy:Cymru]]
 
 
[[cs:Wales]]
 
[[cs:Wales]]
 
[[fr:Pays de Galles]]
 
[[fr:Pays de Galles]]
 
[[fi:Wales]]
 
[[fi:Wales]]
  +
[[id:Wales]]
 
[[it:Galles]]
 
[[it:Galles]]
 
[[ja:ウェールズ]]
 
[[ja:ウェールズ]]

Latest revision as of 16:26, March 30, 2014

Welsh flag01
(Current Flag)
Motto: Cymru am byth (Welsh)
Anthem: Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau

It's not as bad as you think

Capital Cardiff
Population 3,000,000 people
10,000,000 Sheep
Official languages 0% Welsh, 75% regional variations of Welsh, 95% English, 5% Inarticulate
Government Yes.
Flag wall
Flag painted on a wall in Wales as a sign of friendship with the English.

Wales or Cymru is a county that forms part of the United Kingdom or Teyrnas Gyfunol. It has an extensive coastline or morlin and has a number of mountainous areas, notably Snowdon or Yr Wyddfa. As you can probably tell thus far one of the proudest Welsh achievements is the spreading of their language into absolutely every part of life in Wales. While it is normally accepted that a nation's language will proliferate amongst its citizens the Welsh language is spoken fluently by so few that its appearance in Wales is as much a mystery to the majority of its residents. The main impact that the language has had upon Welsh culture is that it prompts motorists to drive more slowly in order to accommodate the additional time required to read the road signs; a procedure that normally involves reading the Welsh, failing to understand it in any way and immediately searching for the English translation.

Wales established itself as a country shortly after the departure of the Romans in the 5th century. On their departure the Romans took a number of things with them, plumbing, infrastructure and almost all of the vowels. Strict vowel rationing has been in force in Wales ever since with amusing names like Llywelyn ap Gruffudd displaying the most most vowels one is ever likely to see in one place.

The country is often described as having a great deal of "cultural identity" and it is difficult to argue that this is not the case. It is much easier to argue that in this case the phrase cultural identity is a euphemism for "Sheep" and "Rain" which Wales has in abundance all year round. The Welsh have worked hard to establish themselves as a nation of song, there being very little else to do whilst travelling around Aberystwyth. The country also boasts a strong Rugby Union team, while supporting the Rugby team is not compulsory, almost everybody does as supporting the football team is quite a depressing experience.

edit History

Wales has been inhabited by humans for some 29,000 years, which just goes to show that it was once a lovely place to live. Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states, each with their own dialect, farming methods and tolerance towards the other states. Wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfel[1]. That is until war broke out again and the in-fighting continued and would probably still be going to this day had the Romans not arrived in AD 48.

edit The Roman Conquest and beyond

The fear of conquest that rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans invaded Britain encouraged them to stop fighting each other over the correct spelling of the word "Peace" [2]. Thirty years of fighting followed, this mostly involved running down steep hills in loincloths and then running back up them again, a strategy the Romans evidently found quite vexing as it took them 30 years to subjugate the most "spirited" tribes; the Silures and the Ordovices. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while, so at least the geography was the real winner.

Roman rule in Wales lasted over 300 years, evidently the Romans saw something in Wales that modern tourists consistently fail to see, perhaps it didn't rain quite so much.

The departure of the Romans in 540 AD threw Wales into turmoil, having spent several centuries being "encouraged" not to kill each other by the Romans, many did not feel that a return to the ways of their ancestors would prove to be the most beneficial solution. This problem was quickly solved by the arrival of the Goths, who unsportingly killed thousands in the southern regions of Britain. Eventually the kingdoms of Gwynedd, Powys, Dyfed and Seisyllg, Morgannwg and Gwent emerged as independent Welsh states. These Welsh states tirelessly worked together to establish the fair division of Wales and its sovereignty from England. Not really, they started a war with each other that only ended when they agreed that the only people that they hated more than each other were the English, so fought with them instead.

You may be getting the impression that the Welsh were a very unpleasant and disagreeable people, this is of course not the universal case, they were all very unpleasant and violent people.

edit A Legislature of their Own

After the separation from England in 1974 Wales held a referendum on whether to forget about politics and live the simple life, or to establish some sort of legislative body. The vote was a crushing defeat for the supporters of politics when the only person who bothered voting flipped a coin and decided on a simple life.

Welshpeople
The Welsh cabinet, debating constitutional reform.

By 1997, however, the Welsh were growing restless. The lack of a legislative body had deprived them of their greatest pastime, arguing. Therefore they decided to form the Welsh County Council. Although officially based in a greenhouse in Cardiff Bay, the members usually meet every other Thursday at Clwb y Bont in Pontypridd. Not only has it been a great arena for arguing, petty point scoring and big boasts (again, the bastions of Welsh sport) but, quite unexpectedly, it has improved the lives of the Welsh population. Most analysts accredit this to the Council’s immense wealth which it has amassed by threatening the European Union with the possibility of dumping thousands of annoying horns outside the stadiums of every professional team on the continent. To keep Wales at bay the EU funds its every whim.

Some of the most high-profile schemes funded by the County Council include the popular game-show Dr Who?, keeping Charlotte Church in England, half price pints for under 16s on a Thursday across Wales and free travel for people with three legs on local bus services between 11pm and 1am in the Valleys. The rest of their budget is spent on supplying the Department for Racial Diversity and Linguistic Purity (Welsh: Bwrdd Croeso i Gymru Saeson Ewch Adref) with paper napkins and plastic coffee stirrers.

edit Civil War

Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House.

The buffer zone between North and South is known by its own, internal inhabitants as "Mid Wales". Borders are disputed, but are believed to originate somewhere between Pwllheli and Aberystwyth. However, in official parlance the term "Demilitarised Zone" is preferred, as the British army is currently engaged in conflicts abroad, in Afghanistan and Croydon.

While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North, Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, that is, that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.

edit Fears of Disintegration

Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.

In 1259 the Last King of Wales, Llywelyn the Daft, decided to try and cut Wales off from England, and float off somewhere warmer, Australia probably. So Llywelyn set all the men of the kingdom to dig down as far as they could until they reached the bottom of the sea, and they could float off. The Englishmen helped as well, because they were sick of the sight of the Welsh people as well, and the smell of cheese. Obviously, with a medieval understanding of geology the whole enterprise was doomed to failure. To take their revenge, Llywelyn's men cut off his willy, to the cry of "off with his dick". There is a permanent trench between Wales and England, named after Llywelyn's method of death disgrace, these days known as Offa's Dyke. The Welsh people never forgot this ambition, and when they discovered Australia they named it New Wales, but again the English people foiled their plans, and only New South Wales remains of this.

edit Geography

The landscape of Wales was the largest single project ever undertaken by the BBC. In readiness for the filming of Torchwood, Wales was constructed over a prolonged period of time on a disused sound stage, just west of Bristol. The BBC only allowed the filming of Gavin and Stacey on condition that one of the settings for some key characters was changed from 'somewhere else in Essex' to Wales. The people of Wales are so dedicated to their roles as supporting characters in these programmes that, if asked about it, they will even feign annoyance.

Much of Wales's diverse landscape is mountainous and consists of four main mountain ranges known as Snowdonia, Cambrian, The Brecon Beacons and Mordor. The mountainous areas of Wales are used primarily for agriculture and are heavily populated with farmers, farmers' wives, dragons, sheep, tourists and orcs.

The beauty of the Welsh landscape attracts many tourists and hobbits to the country each year, and in an effort to avoid this and confuse potential tourists the Welsh government passed a law to remove over 55% of all vowels used in the place names of its towns and villages. The results of this law were mixed as tourism continued to flourish; on a more positive note, however, incidents of hobbit hooliganism took a drastic fall.

Unlike many other countries of its kind, Wales is completely and utterly invisible. If viewed from above, you will merely see an extension of the Catlantic ocean, and all aerial photographs or satellite images of the area are purely artists' impression.

Wales invisible
How Western Europe truly looks from above.


edit Climate

  • Highest maximum temperature: When the sun comes out (albeit covered by rain clouds) and the temperature reads -10 degrees Celsius.
  • Lowest minimum temperature: You'll know when the air's frozen
  • Minimum number of hours of sunshine in a day: N/A
  • Average yearly rainfall in MM: Several Miles
  • Yearly sunshine: Unknown, there are too many clouds

edit Sport

The national sport of Wales is arguing. A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason, even if secretly he agrees. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder, with whom they disagree completely.

Following the unwritten laws of national sports, which states that every country has to be good at something, the Welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times. The English struggle with this, and are often prone to fits of jealousy. However it must be noted that the Welsh have thus far failed to win any significant international tournament and indeed were incapable of beating the fearsome nation of Fiji in the last world cup.

Historically, the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortunately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.

A popular sport is the Welsh Pentathalon, which is a team sport consisting of four events: male voice choir singing, spoon carving, origami, and male voice solo. A by-product of this has been the mass migration of those with brains to the South East of England.

The traditional English game of Countdown was invented in Wales, however this was quickly dropped when they ran out of consonants.

edit Library

There is one Library in Wales. This is called "The National Library" and is situated in Aberystwyth. It has a collection of over 40 books and is world renowned as being the only library in the world with more staff than books.

edit Culture

edit Eisteddfod

A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent).

The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Loads of dirty old men dressed up in bedsheets and table cloths ogle scantily-clad little girls and boys frolicking about in an orgy of self-adulation. (Perverts to the rest of you.) Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 is at the Youth Village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 is in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.

The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing "Mi Welais Jac y Do". All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some locals had stolen the chair and, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.

edit Art

Art is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists or the Welsh language.

Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like Necrotising Fasciitis in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws-y-Coed Working Men's Club.

edit Language

Main Article: Welsh Language

The Welsh speak English as their first language, but they all pretend to speak the Welsh language when TV cameras are near, when threatened, or upon the sight of foreigners and Englishmen (even though they don't know what they're saying).

edit Economy

The economy in Wales used to be built upon sheep mines. These often caved in and took the local economy down at the same time. Children are still conscripted to the mines at the age of 5 for a 10 year service. Parents who wish to give their children an advantage in life buy them the Back Garden Sheep Mine Building Set at the age of 3 (available at all Welsh branches of Tesco.)

These days, however, the main part of the entire economy consists of a pub in every house and B&B on every corner (required by law to charge double for English customers and put a pea under their mattresses). However, the Welsh Development Agency has plans to help the economy diversify, for example by selling the Saxon Radar (a device capable of identifying English people, by their bulging wallets, at distances of up to 400 yards) to other countries - it has proven itself so successful in Wales that every Welsh person already has one, and now has no trouble finding a rich visitor to fleece.

edit Education

The educational system in Wales is basically children being forced to learn an impossible language, sing in choirs, and act. Homework usually consists of conjugating a lot of verbs that would much rather be doing something more interesting, and often do. When the verbs get away, the poor student trying to control them is usually blamed for it.

In spite of these difficulties, the system is greatly improved from the days when children were forced to learn an even more impossible language.


edit References

  1. Welsh for 'controversy' and 'war'.
  2. There are at least three


edit See also

Personal tools
projects