Wales
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: Fuck the English | |||||
| Anthem: Islands in the Stream | |||||
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| Capital | Cardiff | ||||
| Largest city | Cardiff | ||||
| Population | 1,000,000 Welsh People 800,000 Poles 0.5 English people (because they won't let them in). | ||||
| Official languages | 100% Welsh, 26% Pakistani, 32% Polski | ||||
| Government | Anarchy | ||||
| The Leader | The grand overlord, leader of the supreme Lee Byrne | ||||
| The powerless monarchy boss | Catherine Zeta Jones | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Tom Jones,Charlotte Church, Any Swansea City player, Tom Jones | ||||
| Currency | Sheep | ||||
| Religion | Sheep | ||||
| Major exports | Sheep, Pot Noodle, Tom Jones, Coal | ||||
| Major imports | Sheep, Pakistan, Rain | ||||
| National Animal | Pub Crawler | ||||
| Opening Hours | Any time - we're flexible | ||||
Wales is a...erm...place in western Europe, close to England and France, so either way they were fucked. According to a recent episode of Family Fortunes, about 96% of humans don't know where Wales is.
Contents |
[edit] History
sex Wales, commonly referred to as "Great Britain's Arkansas," was founded in 27,000 BC by illiterate whale worshippers. Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states. Continuous wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful allied victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfelgar in the year 250AD. A bizarre election campaign filled with scandals led to the election of a dyslexic tyrant, Dvaid Smiht, who promptly named the newly-formed country after his aquatic gods. Another legend had it that Wales wass actually a bastardisation of Wanker, but this is probably just the English being dicks as always. The name is now thought to come from the fact that the country is the size of an average whale and the people get the name Welsh due to being filled with flab and being made from the gut of whale.
[edit] Messiah
Nothing much is known of the state and, because nobody bothered to write anything down, historians have no idea what took place for the first 27,000 years of Welsh history. The first piece of history that is supported by documentary evidence did not occur until the year 0. An angel appeared on the hills of the Brecon Beacons promising the local shepherds that a new Messiah was about to be born in a barn in Machynlleth. The excited shepherds hurried in their coracles up to mid-Wales only to find, to their utmost dismay, that a Young Farmers gig was scheduled at the barn in question that night, and that the birth of the Messiah had been postponed until the following Tuesday. One of the shepherds leaked the story of the impending birth to both the Western Mail and Daily Post who, in a front page story on the Saturday, labelled him the “new Messiah” and “our Saviour”. By Monday the papers had 26 pages devoted to the “unfulfilled potential” of the Messiah and how his birth was just a “false dawn”. The angels decided that, as a result, Wales was not the best spot for the Messiah to be born and promptly buggered off to Bethlehem.
[edit] Mad Breed
Welsh people had an obsession with sheep, finding them more attractive than the opposite gender, as they like the 'wildness' of the sex. With the sheep having human-sheep babies, a weird language soon began form among the younger generation and this is nowadays known as The Welsh Language. As you have noticed not even the Welsh can't even spell their own language - paerticularly noticeable on roadsigns - due to the sheep side-affects. In recent years the Welsh have found out a new use for sheep - wool.
[edit] Invasion
It was not long before the first pillow fight since the days of the city states. A fear of conquest rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans vanquished their little girls. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while. At the final battle the Welsh ran out of lipstick and as a last resourt turned to their women and druids. The pagan leaders began screaming their fearsome war chant, “Fluffy Bunnys, Fluffy Bunnys”. They were joined by vicious naked bunnies wildly screaming and waving Celtic standards. The Romans fled in terror, fearing both the magic and the dreadful prospect of marital-like interaction.
Since this great victory the Welsh have honoured their saviours. The men repeat the fearsome chant at every opportunity, while the women roam the towns in all weather, wearing next to nothing.
[edit] Disastrous Union
In 1250 a sudden and cataclysmic earthquake joined Wales to England. For the first ten seconds of this union the people of both countries were bewildered, confused and wary. On the 11th second a Welshman by the name of Taffy Triog became the first man to cross the border, where he entered a traditional English Cantonese restaurant. There was no way he could have foreseen that his decision to take two Mint Imperials from the bar would define Welsh-English relationships for a millennium. Within days the English poem “Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief” became #1 in the Poetry Charts with a record 71 sales.
For the next 544 years Taffy’s legacy lived on with constant fighting and wars between the Welsh and the English. A somewhat comical accident during the Battle of Porth-y-Gest became the basis of another popular song. A shot from a Welshman’s bow broke the wheel of an unfortunate English soldier’s chariot. As his vehicle flipped into the air the soldier fell to ground and before he could safely roll away the chariot came crashing down towards him. Although he managed to avoid the main body of the chariot, one of the spokes struck him in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. The resulting song is now one of the national anthems of Wales.
In the 17th Century, Wales was used as a prison by the English. No chains or walls were needed as no one could read the signs so any potential escapee got lost. The Welsh, however, began training the prisoners to pillage English villages and play rugby. In 1694, after a crushing 11-9 defeat at the Tregynnog National Stadium, the English abandoned the whole scheme.
In the year 1794 Sir John Roache, with the help of the British Army, called an end to the fighting by separating Wales from England using a fruit knife (See the England article for more information on this historic event). Nowadays the country of Wales floats freely and happily in the Atlantic Ocean and for this reason is only shown on maps of Europe when it floats within range of the edge of the sheet.
[edit] A Legislature of their Own
After the separation from England in 1974 Wales held a referendum on whether to forget about politics and live the simple life, or to establish some sort of legislative body. The vote was a crushing defeat for the supporters of politics when the only person who bothered voting flipped a coin and decided on a simple life.
By 1997, however, the Welsh were growing restless. The lack of a legislative body had deprived them of their greatest pastime, arguing. Therefore they decided to form the Welsh County Council. Although officially based in a greenhouse in Cardiff Bay, the members usually meet every other Thursday at Clwb y Bont in Pontypridd. Not only has it been a great arena for arguing, petty point scoring and big boasts (again, the bastions of Welsh sport) but, quite unexpectedly, it has improved the lives of the Welsh population. Most analysts accredit this to the Council’s immense wealth which it has amassed by threatening the European Union with the possibility of dumping thousands of annoying horns outside the stadiums of every professional team on the continent. To keep Wales at bay the EU funds its every whim.
Some of the most high-profile schemes funded by the County Council include the popular gameshow Dr Who?, keeping Charlotte Church in England, half price pints for under 16s on a Thursday across Wales and free travel for people with three legs on local bus services between 11pm and 1am in the valleys.
[edit] Civil War
Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House. Frayed tempers soon erupted into conflict when a small and highly trained army from the South kidnapped Robin McBryde, holding him hostage. The North retaliated by kidnapping Dr. Who.
The Mid-Walians are yet to choose sides in this conflict, but a decision is expected shortly after the end of the ongoing Young Farmers' National Eisteddfod, which is currently in its 568th month and expected to last a few more years.
While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North; Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, claiming that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.
[edit] Fears of Disintegration
Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.
[edit] Geography
Much of wales's diverse landscape is mountainous and consists of four main mountain ranges known as Snowdonia, Cambrian, The Brecon Beacons and Mordor. The mountainous areas of Wales are used primarily for agriculture and are heavily populated with farmers, farmers wives (known locally as dragons), sheep, tourists and orcs.
The beauty of the Welsh landscape attracts many tourist and hobbits to the country each year, and in an effort to avoid this and confuse potential tourists the Welsh government passed a law to remove over 55% of all vowels used in the place names of its towns and villages. The results of this law were mixed as tourism continued to flourish; on a more positive note, however, incidents of hobbit hooliganism took a drastic fall.
[edit] Climate
Information below provided on behalf of the Welsh Meteorological Centre (also known as Betty)
- Highest maximum temperature: Lukewarm
- Lowest minimum temperature: Nippy
- Maximum number of hours of sunshine in a day: N/A
- Minimum number of hours of sunshine in a day: N/A
- Average yearly rainfall in MM: still being calculated by the Welsh Board of Advanced Mathematics (also known as Betty)
[edit] Culture
[edit] Sport
The second national sport of Wales (after punting Englishmen)is rugby. A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason, even if secretly he agrees. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder, with whom they disagree completely.
Following the 3rd Law of Physics, which states that every country has to be good at something, the Welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times. The English struggle with this, and are often prone to hissy girly fits of jealousy. Also, while playing rugby against Welsh women, the English normally run away scared making the excuse that they are "going for a pot of tea".
The Welsh football team is world famous and admired for once beating Italy (Under 11s women's team)
The national stadium of Wales is the Liberty Stadium, which has an all seater capacity of 5 and its own county council. Other grounds sometimes used for for national events include The Racecourse in Wrexham and Dan-Yr-Ogof Caves. The Millennium Stadium is not considered as nobody can spell it and Cardiff's new ground is just crap.
Historically, the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortunately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.
A popular sport is the Welsh Pentathalon, which is a team sport consisting of four events: male voice choir singing, love spoon carving, the consumption of Brains, and listening to Shirley Bassey.
The favoured sport in rural Wales is traditional sheep racing, where they particularly enjoy jumping up and down near there rear end.
[edit] Sheep
The human to sheep ratio of Wales is 1:629,333,098. While the reason for this is shrouded in the mists of history, it is commonly believed that the Welsh soon got bored of worshiping whales and decided to find a new god. Unfortunately, the first thing they saw was a sheep.
One story given by the Welsh to explain their apparent love of sheep is dated circa the 15th Century and involves two farmers living near the border of their respective countries, England and Wales. English Farmer George Adams and Welsh farmer Gareth ap David Osian Hywel Hughes were having a bit of a disagreement. Back in those days stealing someone's sheep was the biggest insult you could give and for that reason punishable by death. George Adams decided that he fancied his chances against the law and sneaked across the border, stealing Gareth Hughes's famous prize winning sheep, Carys. On the way back over the border he was caught. Welsh police, known as y Heddlu, were doing routine cattle checks that night. Since it was punishable by death to steal a man's sheep, Adams decided his best chance was to pretend he was having sex with the sheep - only he could find no way to pretend and had to stick it in for real. However, he failed to realise that the common belief that Welsh people have sex with sheep was indeed just the result of truth and nothing else. Knowledge of whether this story is true or not, nobody knows. Nobody can remember that far back as they were probably all drunk at the time.
[edit] Library
There is one Library in Wales. This is called "The National Library" and is situated in Aberystwyth. Its has a collection of over 40 books (mostly "The Adventures of Spot" )and is world renowned for its tea making facilities. The Library was supposed to be opened by Gareth Shanks in 1857 but Dr Who, using his TARDIS, sneaked back to 1856 and opened it early.
In 2001, the Welsh County Council awarded one of the largest grants in Welsh history - £45.63 - to fund a new "Travelling National Library" in the form of a moped to ensure that Welsh people living in the country's remote Nether Regions had access to Wales's most famous work of literature: "Ivor the Engine v Superted - Deathmatch".
[edit] Long Names
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliowgogogochberg is Wales' longest place name. It was decided after Aled Jones and Shaun the Sheep(Shaun the Sheep being Aled Jones' Boyfriend) were playing a game of Scrabble when Fireman Sam pushed over their game. The letter pieces coincidently landed in a line to spell out this word. As the 59 letter word looked vaguely Welsh, Jones decided to name a small town after it. And so the town of Cwmditch was promptly renamed.
[edit] Eisteddfod
A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent). It is said to recreate the mythological sacrifice of the Ffalabalam teddies as set out in ancient texts from 1903. Recent research however suggests that this to be a mistranslation of the original text which was actually just a weather report from Sian Lloyd.
The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Loads of dirty old men dressed up in bedsheets and table cloths, ogling scantily-clad little girls and boys frolicking about in an orgy of self-adulation. (Perverts to the rest of you). Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 are at the Youth Village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 are in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.
The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing Mi Welais Jac y Do. All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some local had stolen the chair and, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.
[edit] Art
Art is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists. It used to be a national pastime to paint beautiful slogans on houses. Some locals protested to having their houses decorated - thankfully, English visitors who owned holiday homes in Wales welcomed the artists with open arms and tourist villages such as Abersoch became a haven for art lovers. In the 1970s a campaign group of Philistines waged a war against Welsh art by burning down the buildings on which these slogans were painted. The poor holiday home owners, who had done so much for Welsh culture by giving the space for the artists to draw, were left without a home to visit on the weekends.
Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like necrotising fasciitis infections in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws-y-Coed Working Men's Club.
[edit] Crime
Contrary to the precedent set by Jones the Thief, crime is low in Wales. The two most common crimes are ram-raiding and having sex with a miner, the latter being considered a heinous offence because they are the primary workforce of the country and are typically not allowed to have fun. The miners' foremen discourage fun because they are certain that it muddles the brain and causes distraction which has been demonstrated to be a leading cause death amongst mine workers. However, sheep sex is both legal and socially encouraged.
[edit] Language
Main Article: Welsh Language
The Welsh speak English as their first language, but they all pretend to speak the Welsh language when TV cameras are near, when threatened, or upon the sight of foreigners (even though they don't know what they're saying).
There is a small town in Wales known as "Walesia" which is 50% English and 50% Swedish speaking. By law, all visitors to this town must be fluent in one or the other of these languages, and not in Welsh.
This as a result of the migration of a cult from the Swedish community of Arboga in 1934 who believed that Wales is the promised land. The cult is now largely dead but the town retains its distinctly Swedish culture and traditions such as the "Annual Meatball Harvest Festival" along with the "Eurovision Song Contest."
[edit] Welsh Colonies
[edit] Welsh Congo
The Welsh Congo is actually the Welsh name for England, but the English do not know this because they've been in The Matrix since 905AD. There is a rather spiffy article on it on Uncyclopedia, which you also are on unless you are a psychic or a Psyduck reading the mind of someone who is on Uncyclopedia.
[edit] Welsh Patagonia
In 1865, a group of Welshmen who had grown weary of their wet, inhospitable and infertile land moved to the wet, inhospitable and infertile land of Patagonia in Argentina. When they discovered that no-one there knew English they happily settled. Today the Welsh language is still spoken in some parts of Patagonia. Local cafés still advertise “Sgons & Jam” for sale, while the local McDonald's allows you to order, as the Welsh do, “Big Mac Mawr a Coke plis."
[edit] Economy
The economy in Wales used to be built upon sheep mines. These often caved in and took the local economy down at the same time. Children are still conscripted to the mines at the age of 5 for a 10 year service. Parents who wish to give their children an advantage in life buy them the Back Garden Sheep Mine Building Set at the age of 3 (available at all Welsh branches of Tesco.)
These days, however, the main part of the entire economy consists of a pub in every house and B&B on every corner (required by law to charge double for English customers and put a pea under their mattresses). However, the Welsh Development Agency has plans to help the economy diversify, for example by selling the Saxon Radar (a device capable of identifying English people, by their bulging wallets, at distances of up to 400 yards) to other countries - it has proven itself so successful in Wales that every Welsh person already has one, and now has no trouble finding a rich visitor to fleece.
[edit] See also
- Welsh language
- Cardiff
- Coal
- Rain
- Welsh Congo
- Welsh
- Borth
- Blackwood
- Cwmbrân
- Slate industry in Wales
- Welsh Expansionalist Movement
- Corgi
- Aberystwyth
- Lampeter
- Barry
- Dolphins
- Whales
- Recreational Whaling
- The Great Welsh Fire
- My visit with Aunt Myfanwy
Barmy British Stuff 
