From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Spend money, die faster”
Walmart was the fifth of the Seven Plagues of Egypt. It began in 1312 BC when Moses said to Pharaoh, "Let my People Shop," and Pharaoh said "No," so God created a plague Walmart in five and a half days as a curse to punish the ancient Egyptians for their great wickedness.
After lying dormant for many centuries, the curse was reawakened in the United States by the first Antichrist of Arkansas, Sam Walton. Responses from God have not been forthcoming, since he has been on an intergalactic cruise since the afternoon of the sixth day and cannot be reached for comment. Walmart has continued to spread its contagion well into present times where its kudzu-like habits have been known to smother entire voting districts.
To capture the pathos & quiet desperation that is Walmart shopping, and also to conquer the entire free world and force them to live out their short and useless lives building and/or working, shopping, and earning a living slightly higher than food stamp minimum requirements, though slightly below the national poverty levels. We will achieve this with creative definitions of full time, overtime, and double time as well as a consistent lack of benefits. We will also introduce a trickle up economy, beneficial only unto our hunger for money and certain interests known only to Washington DC politicos.
We will passionately maintain a zoo-like atmosphere through a relaxed, cavalier, and inhospitable approach to service while executing ruthless expertise in a choreographed manner that appears effortless. Every guest shall leave their visit having had an extraordinarily grueling, impersonal, and filth-filled experience with the intention of returning grudgingly.
We pride ourselves in paying employees less so you can save more. However, it really doesn't matter because our workers enjoy being paid less for customer convenience. At least that is what we tell ourselves to help us sleep, on our big piles of money.
We believe in using slave labor as a tool to benefit our consumers. By cutting corners by using small Chinese children, unsafe paint, and/or cheap parts, we save customers money so they can spend more money on other hazardous things.
Most recently, the president of Walmart announced it would be using forced slave labor of Africans, Mexicans, Indians and Filipinos to cut down on production cost and to save the consumer money. The Wallstreet journal calls this "remarkably brilliant" while many other department stores such as Target complain about an unfair advantage.
Walmart is the "equal opportunity employer" of the third world, plus draws a huge crowd of Hispanic shoppers. The good ol' boys in Arkansas aren't racist. After all, there are no signs stating "No Dogs, coloreds, Mexicans or Orientals allowed". Also absent are "no shoes, no shirt, no service" signs. Most of Walmart's clientele shop topless and barefoot and during the cold season wear fuzzy pink slippers, because Walmart's 400 ply cardboard shoes are too painful.
Many rednecks that complain about losing jobs over seas are confused as to buy the cheaper products or not because they caused job loses, however will likely continue to buy them anyway because there are no other stores in most of their towns.
The history of Walmart dates back to 1776 in America, with the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson wrote:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that some men are created equal, that they are endowed by with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Low Prices, and a second rate fast lube"
Jefferson's words rang true of the American people. They wanted low prices but it seemed like wanting them was more of a daydream than a reality. The years rolled by and people became more and more obsessed with finding a good sale on bulk toilet paper. Then in 1906 one man by the name of Upton Sinclair came up with an idea; 'If people are forced to work in factories for little to no pay, people can get bad products at a cheaper price.' This inspired him to write a book about the theory, although little is known of it since all copies were burned in a wild outdoor ecstasy rave. American dreams of a Utopian market began to be put on hold because of the seeping spread of communism and Europe falling into times of war.
1930's-1940's: The STFU Years.
America's sweet sweet fantasies of paying next to nothing for slave labor water-guns came to a screeching halt. After December of 1941 President Franklin Roosevelt proclaimed, "Seriously you guys, knock it off."
America directly declared war on Japan, Italy, and Germany. America was pissed, and I'm not talking disappointed, no, America was lividly pissed. The dreams for a cheap, all-consuming supermarket were put on the back burner as America took it's rage and frustration out on the rest of the world.
In 1945 the war was a victory and America was ready to consume more than it could handle, leading to blatent world domination by Darth Vader - I mean Sam Walton in the ensuing years.
1950's-1970's: Sam Walton's Boner
Sam Walton was a man with a dream. A dream to create a monster that would engulf the souls of Americans and some Mexicans. Sam Walton began to follow his dream during the war but really didn't get rolling till he opened his first store in 1950, which he wittily named 'Walton's' (Real original, buddy.) He expanded his business by opening another branch and collecting the profits. Sam's values were very apparent from the beginning. He always underpaid his employees and made them give sexual favors for promotions. He was also one hell of a kinky bastard, did I mention that? He hired undocumented workers from Mexico to clean and stock his stores and work in tightly cramped factories to make bad products for under minimum wage so he can undercut his competitors in price. He also had sexual favors from the undocumented workers and their family members he helped smuggle into the USA so their relatives could work as slaves for him as well as perform sexual favors. Sammy also turned to transexuality before going asexual before saying "screw it!" and becoming a bisexual.
1970's-1980's: The Rise of Blood Money.
By 1962 Sam had eleven store locations, two Cadillacs, five illegitimate children, three houses, and a jeweled pimp cane. As his business grew he began to learn more ways to cut corners, Sam was always looking for the cheapest way to profit and in the 70's he realized the best way to increase sales. With the expansion of his stores into the Midwest and deep South, Sam Walton began to travel around and personally talk to shoppers in his new stores. In one visit to a new store in 1973 to Tennessee, Sam Walton met a small Chinese woman with her four-year-old son. She began to talk to Sam Walton about giving her son a job. Sam Walton hadn't thought of using children until then and this woman opened a new door for him. He then rushed back to Arkansas and made a Collect call to China. By 1989 Sam Walton had infected 26 states and made billions in profits. People had become obsessed with the rollback prices of Walmart and couldn't get enough.
1990's- 2010: The Quality Really Couldn't Get Worse.
In 1992 Sam Walton passed away due to an eye infection from faulty packaging on eye drops purchased from Walmart. Hillary Clinton was a lawyer for the company and, incidentally, married to a US President with other things on his mind. So in 1993, Bill Clinton signed the trade bill, transferring the entire US manufacturing base to China in exchange for a shipment of low-cost potato peelers. Walmart quickly put them on special, and hired the 12 million displaced workers as minimum-wage Greeters.
The result increased efficiency so much that the Clintons got $150 million in kickbacks. When Ross Perot mentioned a "giant sucking sound" of jobs going overseas, that merely titillated the President more.
By 1995, every state in the USA had a Walmart and sales were at 93.6 Billion annually. Walmart also owned all of the souls of it's shoppers for they could not stop shopping there no matter how much they complained. In 2009, Sam Walton has leaked into almost every country in the world. He thought it would be an ironic joke to start building them in China, at least the factory workers could buy their own things for low price and low value. Walmart CEO's have considered about buying heaven and building a giant superstore with a Starbucks inside.
By 2013 the low-wage crisis had reached a boiling point. Walmart employees stormed the White House, invaded the Rose Garden, and burned their blue polyester vests until blue puddles flowed down the sidewalks of Washington. Amid cries of "Give us some cake, bitch!" hundreds of disgruntled Walmart employees rode in on fatmobiles and shopping carts demanding higher wages, gas cards, and overtime for driving out to their Superstores on the Beltway.
Walmart sent Personnel Reps to the protest, but then returned to business-as-usual: Busting unions, refusing to sell the morning-after pill, but featuring rifles and CDs with censored lyrics.
Currently, Walmart is attempting to develop an army of illegal aliens for employment in their stores, feeding its final strategy for world domination and mind control. In this scheme, each Walmart is capable of acting as a "standalone". In fact, close inspection of the master floor plan indicates that, in a pinch, Walmart could function exactly as the U.S.S. Nautilus submarine. Like US submarines, Walmart is basically a self-sufficient little town which not only offers beanie weenies in bulk, but medicine knockoffs, antennae balls wearing cowboy hats, nuclear weapons, fast food restaurants, optometrists, hair stylists, nail care, house ware, dentists, clothing, toys, hunting and fishing items, sports and camping equipment, full-service doctor office clinics within their walls of oppression and pure capitalistic evil.
The heart of a Walmart is located in the Electronics department, behind the plasma screen TVs. But anybody that attempts to look for this heart is quickly transported to the Tools section and forced to buy screws at low, low prices.
Marketing by drone
Following in the footsteps of many of its predecessors that have passed on to Marketing Heaven, the Suits at Walmart headquarters in Arkansas decided that, although offering good values was a way to turn a tidy profit, it couldn't hurt to incessantly nag the customer as well. Promptly, hundreds of motion-sensing flat-screen televisions were installed in every Superstore. Any time the customer approaches one of them, a cheery plastic voice explains how much happier you would be if you simply bought another potato peeler onto which Chinese slaves had pasted a Stars-and-Stripes "American-made" logo.
The pitchman on these televisions remains cheerful even when the typical Walmart shopper tells him to go fuck himself. Best of all, there is no need to pay the pitchman minimum wage or risk the possibility that he will invite union organizers into the store.
However, most customers merely succumb to the pitches and buy things they do not need. Happily, if the shopper gets home and reconsiders his purchase, the thought of the lines at the Returns Department, and the cost of gas to drive back to Walmart keep him from doing anything about it.
Walmart features a large checkout area in the front of the store. Over a half-mile long, customers can choose from 1,245 checkout lanes, with 405 of them being the self-automated checkout systems, which is explained further in detail below. For the old-fashioned customer, traditional cashiers are also available to assist them as well. Rarely talkative, the cashier's duty is to try overcharging the customer. It is rare for the checkout area to have more than 20 cashiers at any given time, so lines can back up to the other side of the city.
Self-Automated Checkout System
Recently a new invention, the self-automated checkout system was created to give customers an alternative to the traditional cashier service, which can take an extra four hours. Given the inordinate amount of time spent in line, the self-automated system gives customers an advantage. Before the customer begins to scan his/her items on the register, an automated voice greets the customer and tells the person to scan the first item. In that case, the customer begins to get agitated at the automated voice and says something derogatory at it and attempts to scan the first item, only to find the system not working properly. So in desperation, the customer signals the unsuspecting clerk who's picking his nose and walks up to the self-checkout. He scans the item and returns to his previous spot. The customer then proceeds to scan the next item and has the same problem as before. He calls the clerk again and he steps over to him. This time, the customer explains that the self-checkout is not working, when the clerk explains that the automated voice can get emotional at times and may not scan the items. When the customer hears the news, he says that this system sucks ass, and the automated voice tells him that it knows where he lives and that it will trace him down. The following week, the man was found dead in his home. Cause of death is electrocution from picking up his telephone.
Before Walmart infiltrated the urban infrastructure, crime was virtually non-existent in most communities. Studies show that crime rates have soared to a dramatic level in areas within a 2-mile radius of Walmart. 78% of crimes are committed in Walmart parking lots. This is due to the rapid expansion of the company.
If you look carefully you will notice the conspicuous placement of brown smoked plastic "camera encasing" globes resembling hamster exercise balls hanging from the ceiling at both ends of every aisle. Although most customers believe they are biometrically recording the structure of their irises and recording their every shopping habit, they are actually surveillance decoys, just another way to cut costs and keep you from scratching your ass in public. Go ahead and scratch anyway - it amuses the hamsters. Scratch your ass with caution, as many hamsters have the ability to run the world, as you may know, the Socialist Hamster of Ethiopia (scientific name: Alan Colmesia) is naturally triggered to lead the world into a socialist abortion-loving world once it sees scratching of the ass.
If you would look to the left of the screen, you will notice the documentary on fat bitches. The effects of Wal Mart's radioactive cameras have turned this poor bastard into a really fat bitch. If you direct your attention to the right of the screen, you will see an animal named 'Spencerilius Boxallius' AKA 'Spencer Boxall'. He loves Walmart so much that he bouces up and down for it in hope of lower prices
Walmart Toy Packaging
Walmart takes great pride in its high standards when it comes to anchoring a toy to its box. These astonishingly intricate arrangements are unprecedented in the toy packaging industry. Walmart uses 100 tons of iron ore a year in twisty ties alone and every component of every toy must be attached by a minimum of twenty twisty ties twisted twenty times (say that real fast ten times).
The cardboard box itself must strictly adhere to Walmart's tight security regulations and require tools to open it which indisputably discourages shoplifting. In some instances the jaws of life may be the only equipment available to open oversized packages, especially around Christmas time when stress levels are at their highest and the tight packaging serves as the last straw. 73% of murders and 20% of holiday heart attacks are caused by Walmart toy packaging. Walmart's packaging is the reason they sell so many angle grinders.
The China Connection
Although Chinese suppliers deny their connection to loading its products with lead paint and sloppy graphics, Walmart continues to sell poisonous Christmas lights, toys, candles with lead wicks, and shopping carts contaminated with handles that have been touched by thousands of customers whose babies sucked on strings of xmas tree lights then slobbered on carts which were later touched by consumers who then touched their nose or mouth.
Does this explain the widespread behavioral dysfunction of Americans and their seemingly complete ignorance of common decency or manners? Yes! It explains everything! The apathy, the stupidity, the greed, the rudeness, the ignorance. There was no ADD, bipolar disorder, Prozac, or Ritalin before the evolution of Chinese product importing Walmart. Something there is that doesn't love a mall and its name is Walmart.