Wagga Wagga, New South Wales
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Wagga Wagga is the home of the Wagga Waggians. Among them are many terrorists such as Osama Bin Laden, the Ghost of the English Language, Satan, Lucifer and George W. Bush, who all live out the back of No. 94 Sunshine Ave. They spend their time in a plunge pool having tea parties, playing with dolls and planning large-scale terrorist attacks.
Wagga Wagga's town heroes consist of a goat, piles of rotting garbage, a barber shop quartet, the Ghost of the English Language, the Ghost of Christmas Past, communists (who were later eaten alive by lions), lions,the CWA Teapot and everyone that lives in Donnelly Avenue.
Wagga Wagga is not the safe, secure, happyplace it is made out to be, in the darker, more Mount Austin side of things Wagga features many menaces that terrorize the peaceful Wagga Waggians, some to horrible to mention: Harry Potter
-Renegade Teachers- These seemingly harmless purveyors of knowledge have a cunning defense mechanism, Camouflage, the teacher will hide in seemingly natural surroundings e.g. The staff room, the playground, the canteen and shady porn stores. After gaining the trust of students they will pounce like a three year old with ADHD at a sugar and kitten's factory, ripping the neck out and leaving nothing but the will to destroy the lives of other teenagers, ironically the victims all congregate at CSU and become teachers, and the cycle is complete.
-Drivers- They are just horrible ok.
-People that think they are funny but they aren't- Wagga is notorious for these people, people who think it's ok to go on peoples web pages and change everything to fit their needs thinking that they may become famous because they told a whole generation of people WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT that they scored twelve goals against Cootamundra, yes i'm talking to all of you Uni students stay the hell away from here! Go play hackey sack on the Quad or go complain about how life is unfair, in your $200 jeans and you $100 hair cut's while talking about how much of a rebel you are while 20 people nod in approval acting, dressing, talking and complaining exactly the same! So for all our sake CSU grads go do something useful and support our community charities god knows thy have a hard time.
The Wagga Wagga Tip
The Wagga Wagga tip is where the mayor lives with his office and his secretary who is a squirrel named Cecil. The Lord Mayor's name is Bill Clinton. He may act, sound, look, smell and taste like Ex-President Bill Clinton of the United States of America but he is definitely not. Clinton has been known to go around eating helpless animals and small children but this was in fact at the time of a great crisis for all the Wagga Waggians. It was 1842 and the pesky Mormans had begun to invade. Knocking on every door, handing out a pamphlet to everyone in sight. Yes, this was the darkest age in the history of Wagga Wagga. By 1845, half of Wagga Wagga had succumbed to the Mormans. Luckily at this moment, Chuck Norris came flying into the scene. He warned everyone into their houses. he then joined forces with the Ranbuild Guy to kick their asses.
Wagga Wagga High School
Wagga Wagga High School was established in 1528. Soon after, the commies moved in, like space invaders. They destroyed much of the school and it is so poorly funded that lessons are still being taught on piles of rubble.
In the late 80's the Fonz (presumably on another acid trip) decided that something must be done about the poor state of the school and appointed bill gates to be headmaster of the newly built "Arthur Fonzarelli Public heyyyy-ing/jukebox mechanics school.
Gates being the formidable tycoon he is decided the best way to run the school was to automate the corpses of satan, hitler, jack the ripper, and Mother Teresa. Subsequently it failed with a bloody massacre forming between the year 7's and the year 12's.
The town was created by jamie oliver and his drug addicted friends in 1639, when many of his ingredients came to life for total destruction. This day is celebrated each year with the "Night Of The Living Vegetables!!" festival. This festival is one of Wagga Wagga's most popular tourist attractions in which the youngest child in each family is left out to be ravaged by massive potatoes, giant brussel sprouts, huge turnips and other large living vegetables. This is one reason why family sizes in Wagga Wagga are steadily decreasing. The only exception to this is the Irish Catholics who live in North Wagga, which is a floodzone. Chuck Norris, while walking around Wagga Wagga, noticed that that the North Waggians where trying to build an elevator to heaven. He then said " So, you want to get to heaven, eh?" and immediately round house kicked them, killing them instantly. Many Wagga Waggians watched in horror, then realised that they were actually very happy, and from then on that day is celebrated as "National Chuck Day". Today druggies still cover the streets and the only way to survive is to worship Satan who lives at 94 Sunshine Ave. Which is near the cricket ground...Yes cricket the game invented by early members of the Junee Community
The 5 o'clock Wave
The 5 o'clock Wave is said to be a tidal wave that rushes down the Wagga Wagga beach/river/stream every night at 5 o'clock, when they let the dams out. This is true but it is a little known fact that at 5.01, the 5 o'clock wave turns into a swarm of crows that will supply the town with food for the next day.
Wagga Wagga's supermarkets, Crowles, are run by crows with names like "crawk", "squawk" and "crawksquark." It is said that the same crow will never run the shop twice. The reason for such an odd and crowy name for a supermarket is that the crows pecked away Coles and Woolworths, and thus created Crowles: a crow filled, crow run, crow fed store. There are 3 Crowles in Wagga Wagga.
In the history of wagga wagga there have been many copyrights made such as:
- Band Reds stealing of Kernals Original song which one day could have been a number one hit
- Wagga was actually called Russia and housed the soviet union from 1794 to 1795 then russia had to be invented and cock steal our idea of communism so the soviet union left that is why any Russian who comes near wagga always gets there vodka confiscated then kicked in the ass.
- wagga wagga invented the tsunami
- they also invented the commies mirror ball which was red and always projected hammer and sickle signs (this wasn't a big one any where esle).
Common Street Signs
Unlike other cities Wagga Wagga has different street signs for example instead of Loading Zone , Wagga has Pimp Zone. What baffles people the most is how they got there. Some say it was Jamie Olivers drug addict friends, some say they came from the 5 o'clock Wave and some say the council workers were drunk.
- Pimp Zone, the pimp zone is a popular place in wagga wagga for pimps, prostitutes, crack dealers and our mayor but pretty much hated by everyone else especially his squirrell
- The go and stop signs are often confused with each other but it is commonly known that green means stop and red means go unlike the stupid North American counterparts.
Anti Jamie Oliver campaign
An anti-Jamie Oliver campaign was held in 1734 to elect a new ruler. By 1736 a new ruler had been elected: Mr. Commie, (right) 2nd Supreme Overlord of Wagga Wagga. in 1737 riots began against this evil Twinkie monster when Gorge W. Bush suddenly swooped in and ate him, ending Mr. Commie's reign of terror. Next it was Ex-President Bill Clinton's turn. He has been the best ruler in Wagga Wagga ever, and is still serving as Wagga Wagga's Supreme Overlord.
There are many mysteries in Wagga Wagga. Some of these are:
- "Why does the very little rain that we get always burn through the school's roof?"
- "Why do we all live in houses, while The Honourable Bill Clinton lives at the tip?"
- "How did Jamie Oliver and his drug addicted friends create Wagga Wagga in 1639 when Australia was only settled in by "white men" in 1788" etc.
Crime and Punishment
In Wagga Wagga it is illegal to be Christian. If you are seen showing any signs of Christianity whatsoever you will be punished severely by one of these 2 penalties;
1) You will be placed in the stocks and become open for public food throwing/humiliation until all the Christianity wears off you and onto the dead tomatoes. (left)
2) You will be fed to midgets who haven't eaten since the last offender of this policy was fed to them. (right)
Many of Wagga Wagga's residents are communists. In fact, their belief in this form of government is so strong, they painted the entire town red, and placed the yellow hammer and sickle on all their belongings.
In Wagga Wagga, many paranormal activities occur. Some examples of these are fairies, pixies, screaming houses, drunk people, Mount Austiners, yellow submarines, goths/emos, evil council workers who claim to fix the road but intently destroy it right in front of your eyes and Ringo Star.
- "The name Wagga Wagga is Aboriginal for "place of many crows". Many visitors to the city are surprised when their relatives/friends are horribly mutilated by hordes of vicious crows. Citizens are often seen running naked in the streets at full moon. It is believed that this is not due to the large amounts of hallucogenic drugs inserted into Wagga Wagga's water supply by the City Council because the 5 o'clock wave consumes the drugs and thus creates the force that is the 5 o'clock wave.
Places Of Interest No Longer in Wagga Wagga
- The Bootleg Wine Bar: The Bootleg was located at the back of one of Wagga's least known arcades on Fitzmaurice Street. Best known for live "Music", the Bootleg became an important nightlife destination for hedonistic pleasure seekers. It was a small space, and with 99 light bulbs glaring above. The brilliant ambiance was only matched with cocktails of psychotropics. If you never went, you'll never know. It is unclear why the establishment closed.
- Mulga Bills Ice-creamery: A classy family eating establishment, most famous for deep fried chicken & ice cream (not together). The `Big Kosciuszko' was a much loved ice cream presentation, eaten from a grande Margherita glass. In pale blue surrounds, one could revisit Banjo Pattersons verse. Also much loved were Mulga Bills arcade game tables (Frogger, Pac Man & Space Invaders). It is unclear why the establishment closed.
- The Arm Chair Cafe: The only place in town where a cup of coffee could give you fleas. Viva la student entrepreneurs. It is unclear why the establishment closed.
- Pasta Pasta Wagga Wagga: Oh the marketing genius. Perhaps it could only have been improved by the addition of "Fasta Fasta". It is unclear why the establishment closed.
- Beaurepaires Disco: Best kept secret in town, and when the pubs and night clubs had closed, we all had Beaurepaires Disco on Trail Street. I think Beaurepaires is still there, but where are the lights? Where is the music? Alas, they are no more.
- The Gumi Festival: Celebrating all things rubber in a once a year spectacular. Gumis were comprised of rubber tyre tubes and anything else they could find. Weeks and weeks of preparation went into designing and rigging gumi rafts, and then the moment arrived when a thousand rafts were launched simultaneously into the Murrumbidgee River at Eunony Bridge. What ensued was the worlds biggest flour bomb/tomotoe fight over a marathon 24km river run. Children were battered and husbands lost to the river in an ecologically devastating extravaganza. The last Gumi Race occurred in 1995 and the city hasn't been the same ever since.
- 2WG: Before Ipods, there was 2WG. Established in the 1930's 2WG was the farm boys only source of kontemporary kulcha. The iconic 2WG neon light remains on the Fitzmaurice Street Building facade.
- ↑ Wagga means "place of crows", so Wagga Wagga is therefore "place of many crows". It is not, however, "many places of crows" (this is Waggawagga).