From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Part of a series of articles on|
Fed up of being cool, people of lamer Europe rebelled, creating their own religion: Protestantism, where they were free to declare "I think we shall follow the retards of Britian, and all become protestants!" Protestantism mostly came about though because the Catholics were just too cool for early separatists. Protestants have a hate for Catholics, and the feeling is mutual. They also hate Celtic Football Club, built on foundations of Priests having fun with little boys.
edit Martin Luther's Great Invention
Martin Luther was a dangerous gay porn star. This may be a historical error, given that people had at the time discovered potatoes, and had many euphemisms for them. Legend has it that Martin Luther was struggling to keep messages stuck to walls, when one day he invented the post-it note - 'nailing' his complaints to the door of a public lavatory.
The response was amazing. An entire group realized the stupidity of protestantism and swiftly burnt Luther at the stake, but he broke free and transformed into Rambo and killed 'em all. He then led the people who were stupid enough to believe in this new, idiotic religion happily on their stupid, idiotic way in their happy, idiotic world.
Protestants are much too busy protesting Catholic practices to lecture about things like politics, abortion, homosexuals, and Hell. Instead, they focus on sending out missionaries because being poor overseas is preferable to being poor at home, and besides, they need to recruit new followers since they don't reproduce like rabbits.
Instead of raising large families, they raise large churches, following a cultic personality of someone called a pastor, who regularly gives speeches on the importance of money and that you donate it to approved causes. The primary indicator of success in a Protestant church is the quality of its music program. This is because the music is emotionally addictive, and keeps the
rock fans followers coming back every week for more.
Protestants are split into two major factions - the Hymnalist faction and the Neopraisist faction. The Hymnalist faction holds organs to be sacred and condemns the use of drums; whereas the Neopraisists hold drums to be sacred and condemns the use of organs. Moreover, the Hymnalists insist that their music be at least 100 years old, whereas the Neopraisists will not use a song more than 10 years old. Electronic keyboards and pianos may be used by both, but keyboards are more commonly used by the Neopraisists, and pianos by the Hymnalists. Listening to secular music outside church, with or without lyrics, is condemned by both factions.
The first great protestant group was the Lutheranists, also known as the "Nailers, Bangers, or Pounders" in tribute to their method of nailing protest letters to the doors of buildings. "They were always just banging away at the closest thing they could find to a door. I was constantly losing sleep over their constant pounding and nailing." said one villager. Eventually the Lutherans were nailing so much that they ran into a shortage of nails. Downplaying the significance of this basic form of protestantism, a new leader named John Calvin focused on deeper protestant issues.
edit History of the 47th Protestant Reformation
Catholics began selling indulgences yet again which led to the War of 2547 where the 47th protestant reformation took place. Martin Luther DXXVII posted the 4,000 thesis against the Catholic Church and gained an alliance with Calvin the XXXVII .Priests were everywhere, just molesting small protestant children. This effected many children every where, eventually the children began becoming deranged from all the molesting and endless hours of catholic mass that it was like a population of Jefferey Dahmers. Cannibals and necrophiliacs began over running protestant cities and all the selling of indulgences bankrupt the protestant armies. At the battle of St.Germain the Protestant General Calvin XXXVII finally surrendered to Pope John Mole Lester. This marked the end of the War of 2547 and the 47th Protestant reformation.
edit Modern Protestantism
Modern protestants still proudly follow the royal family, and God! Since they do not have one single central authority figure to answer to, their beliefs and traditions tend to be many, varied, confusing, and basically complete chaos. In frustration, one branch, the Biblical Unitarians, decided anything goes, as long as it is referred to in the Bible, or at least the Apocrypha. The Evangelicals and Fundamentalists were horrified at this, and ostracized the Unitarians for their acceptance of others' beliefs. Still, modern Protestants hold out the hope that someday all the branches of Protestantism will unite, somehow, someday, under their belief in God. Modern Protestantism has also been keen to make amends with Catholicism, since they have accepted defeat, in Ireland by beating up Scientologists instead.