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Imagine waking up and finding nothing. You see, taste, smell, hear and touch emptiness. You feel for yourself but there is no you. In spite of this you are aware – conscious of nothing at all. You have no idea who, what or where you are, but you appear to be totally nowhere. As you start to realize your non-existence, panic sets in. Where’s your stuff? Are you lost? No! Quite the opposite, you are found. You’re liberated. You made it out of the great cycle of material life. No more birth and death nor other nagging problems. You pulled it off: Achieved enlightenment. Obtained the ultimate success of Voidism.
Voidism, in Sanskrit: Shunya-vaad, denotes no-thing, zilch, nada.
Writing any words about voidism must be considered senseless, and thereby eminently suitable for use by Uncyclopedia. How can anyone describe "nothing" - when even the word "nothing" is something? Voidism is beyond written language, so there is no genuinely useful scripture except the "Bardo Thodal" - The Tibetan Book of the Dead, which only the dead can study. If you are in a hurry to read this book then click HowTo:Decease and follow the instructions.
As a philosophy, Voidism has no conception of how this anti-void, came into existence, nor how we came to be, nor what and why we are here. But all the sane ones agree that it's just an illusion not worth a plug-nickel.
Expert Descriptions of Voidism
“The Void is not an absence of everything. It is an abundance of nothing!”
“Black Holes are afraid of Void! But Void is not afraid of Black Holes. So Void is superior to black-holes”
“From outside if you shoot a bullet into the void it will cease to exist as soon as it enters the void. So, yes, you could say it's bullet proof!”
“If you count to infinity then you'll know how big it is!”
Origin of Voidism
When the "Big Bang" took place there was also the anti-big bang which produced an area called the Void. The Void is free of birth - disease - old age - death and rebirth, and is a popular resort for people who recognize these problems. A person's desire or attempt to enter the Void is called "Voidyurism". Some practise voidism as a religion. In this religion, people believe that when they die they enter a void which they can control with their soul to create their own version of paradise. They believe God used His soul to create the universe with the help of the void, so in a way voidists believe when they die they become mini-gods and can create anything within the infinite blankness. We hope this is all clear to you.
Types of Voidism
- All White (Caucasian Void)
- All Black (Negroid Void)
- All Transparent (Mongoloid Void)
African-American Buddhists enter the Black Void. Caucasian or European-American Buddhists enter the White Void, and Asian Buddhists enter the Transparent Void. Non-Buddhists can kiss the Void's arse.
The facts of Voidism are too numerous to list. Following are a few facts of note: First, the Void doesn't believe in you either! The Void is only afraid of one thing, e.g., everything. The Void is hopeless at contact sports. To hear the sound of the void click http://www.0.com/void.mp0. If someone shows you a bucket full of transparent Void it might appear empty to you but it isn't. Dead silence is the Void's motto. Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Steven Segal and Tony Jaa believe in the void - so the Void can "kick arse!" Seriously! The Void won't even listen to the Godfather's offer. The Void doesn't know that it's the subject of any philosophy. The Void doesn't even believe in itself.
How to Achieve Nothingness
In a Self-Help book of the same name, Jetsun Milarepa, describes his own method of time-wasting. When Milarepa met his master in the Himalayas, his master told him to go to the river and bring rocks to build a big rock pile. After making many strenuous trips, back and forth, Milarepa finally completed the rock pile to the master's satisfaction. Then the master ordered him to return all those rocks to the river; this scenario was repeated 108 times, until finally Milarepa had only one question. Exhausted he asked his master, "Your Holiness, what is the good of enlightenment?" - to which the Guru replied, "Who said it was good?" - At that very instant Milarepa realized that he had achieved complete nothingness.
Pros & Cons of Voidism
Following are a few of the advantages of life in the void: No school, no boss, no work, no debt, no expense, and no tax. You never need a bathroom and can't get sick. There is no terrorism, no old age, no disease, no bummers, and no death. No Country Music, no suicide, no religion, and no wars. There are many other advantages to Voidism, and none of them involve sex. The foremost advantage being that there is no suffering. Read Tibetan for a longer list of the advantages of living in the void.
Following are a few of the disadvantages of life in the void: There is no Lord Buddha. There is no Lord Obama. There is no Lord Osama. Everywhere leads to nowhere. No Sex is non-negotiable. You won't be able to enjoy OJ Simpson being in jail. There is no iPhone or Internet, which means no Uncyclopedia. Nothing isn't funny. There isn't anything to eat or drink. There is no air to breath. You can't see, talk, hear, smell, touch, taste, snort, smoke, drop, or delete a thing. The foremost disadvantage being that there is no pleasure. In this regard Alfred E. Neuman worries.
So it is far better to focus on the advantages lest you get spooked and miss a great opportunity.
You give everything, you get nothing in return - a very reasonable policy heartily endorsed by the Federal Reserve, basically all organized religions, and Uncyclopedia. So, if the void is for you, then take advantage of the various paths-to-naught listed below.