Vitamin

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Revision as of 08:50, April 24, 2005

Pills

Your Happy Friends

Vitamins are a family of substances meant for ingestion that confer superhuman abilities on whoever eats them. For example, Vitamin H41 grants its imbiber superhuman strength, while Vitamin 401K allows its user to receive large tax deductions.

Nomenclature

Every vitamin is referenced by the word "Vitamin" followed by an incomprehensible string of letters and numbers. Originally, this system was devised as a categorization method similar to the Dewey decimal system, but after several bureaucratic overhauls in the Food and Drug Administration, the original categorization methods were lost and/or sabotaged. Third-generation bureaucrats, imported from India and working late hours without overtime, devised a cunning and innovative new strategy for vitamin nomenclature: computer-generated mishmash. Whenever a new vitamin was discovered, the FDA would hire a specialist to close his or her eyes and carefully enter random keystrokes into MS-Word. Later techniques involved a level of sophistication unparalleled in all of modern medicine. For example, Vitamin 3FQS8K0 was generated by the footsteps of a small kitten walking across a computer keyboard.

The term "vitamin" itself comes from the name of Dr. Jonathan G. Vitamin, the inventor of the first vitamin pill. Unfortunately, Vitamin's first pill was, in fact, made primarily out of mercury and most of his test subjects died horrible deaths or went incurably insane. Dr. Vitamin was generally regarded as a pioneer in the field of vitamins and also "batshit insane", and as a result his practice failed miserably and he died a forgotten man save for his name now preceding all vitamin types.

The 'Vitamins Are Good' Ad Campaign

During the late-1970s, various government agencies began using the slogan "Vitamins Are Good!" and emphasizing vitamins as an alternative to illegal drug use. "The best high I ever got came from the Vitamin C in a great, fresh glass of Florida orange juice," one ad campaign asserted. Others followed suit: "Potassium: It's Better Than Sucking Cock in a Back Alley for Dope Money"; "Dude, You're Totally Tripping On Riboflavin"; "Vitamin B12 Is a Dozen Times Better Than Crank" were among the more popular slogans of the day.

The 'Vitamins Are Good' ad campaign came to an abrupt end when in 1987, anchorman Peter Jennings was hospitalized after a near-fatal overdose of Vitamin Q, a mysterious substance commonly packaged in childrens' breakfast cereal. Subsequent investigation revealed that Jennings was physically addicted to Q, which had been made recently popular as a street drug. Spurred by numerous media allegations, Congress acted quickly and enacted the Trix Are Not For Kids law, which moved all vitamins meant for human consumption into Schedule II, effectively banning their abuse and trafficking. Several high-profile celebrity breakfast cereal drug cases ensued, most notably those of Captain Crunch and Count Chocula, both of whom were convicted in February of 1988 for conspiring to sell illegal narcotics to minors.

Vitamin C controversy

By some, caffeine is considered a true vitamin, and receives the classification vitamin C. Others believe this is completely bogus and that the proponents have been watching TV too much.

Super Vitamin Powers

Despite continued and aggressive pressure from federal agencies, vitamin use remains widespread and popular, driven by a mad public desire for mental and physical self-improvement. Among the more popular vitamins are:

  • Vitamin GHB Used to increase sexual attractiveness of men to women
  • Vitamin RU486 Used as a panacea to negate the consequences of one stupid, stupid action
  • Vitamin 1234 Grants the user an uncanny ability to guess other people's passwords
  • Vitamin KRS1 Grants the user an ability to rap with a disturbing paucity of expletives
  • Vitamin MMORPG Highly addictive vitamin that puts user in a trance and sucks away both time and charisma points
  • Vitamin FFVII Causes the user to forget past and recreate memories based on acquaintances and loved ones, may cause body to take odd, blocky shape
  • Vitamin LSAT Causes user to randomly shout "Objection, Your Honor!" with extreme gusto
  • Vitamin T3 Grants user millions of dollars (despite negative reviews) and a top-level position in a local state government
  • Vitamin AK47 Causes fear of imminent Communist invasion
  • Vitamin 90210 Used as an aphrodisiac for bored teenagers in overprivileged areas of southern California
  • Vitamin KKK Turns skin completely white; causes mental retardation in just a few doses
  • Vitamin CSPAN Sleeping pill
  • Vitamin C Caffeine is not considered a true vitamin by many, but grants life itself
  • Vitamin C3PO Grants its user fluency in over six millions forms of communication. Side effects include fussiness, stiffness of joints, and gold skin.
  • Vitamin Ω13 Causes Unknown at present
  • Vitamin X-Up-Up-Triangle Grants user unlimited lives

Newly Discovered Vitamins

Day and night, the good people at the Interntional Vitamin Research Foundation toil to discover new vitamins. Some are discovered in new species of plant or animal, some well-known substances are re-examined and found to be vitamins after all, others are synthesised in industrial quantities, and still others are the fetid output of grossly deformed genetically engineered subhuman mutants. The most recently discovered vitamins are:

  • Vitamin Red Function currently unknown, but appetizing nonetheless.
  • Vitamin H2SO4 Re-examination consluded that concentrated acids can be vitamins too.
  • Vitamin L337 Consumer gets capacity to understand computers. Girls are allergic to this and will avoid the consumers of this vitamin

New vitamins are being discovered all the time - check back here for updates.

The Mineral Wars

A dark subset of Canada, which have been competing with the Vitamin establishment, for equal rights in the donkey and other livestock trade in the South Pacific.

Minerals are notoriously unscrupulous, having been bound by a code of honor similar to the Samurai Bushido.

Currently they hold a cease-fire, until the carbohydrate issue has been resolved.

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