From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
To anyone with Internet and E-mail access and their antivirus, firewall and antispyware up-to-date and running, we must warn about this:
A dangerous third class virus was released recently. If you receive an e-mail with “Smelly feet” as the subject, don't take any risk and no matter the circumstances don't open the e-mail.
Otherwise a virus will be installed in your computer, which will translate to Swahili language all your MS Word documents, download and save a copy of the latest Harry Potter movie, sterilize your pets and fill your closet with static electricity.
Will freeze your TV screen, erase your recreational DVD's, erase your hard disk contents, your backups, and the hard drives and backups of your family and friends.
Besides, it will erase any contents in any pendrive connected to your computer in this moment, erase your PDA, burn your cell phone and its cases will get pinched with it from this moment.
It will break your chair, break your desktop in two parts, slice your pants and smoke your cigarettes. Will cause a blackout in all the building and activate the fire alarm. It will call to police, FBI and TV station. Will make your boss to not give your salary, justify your sick days and renew the contract.
It will warn your boss when you are chatting in Internet instead of working, will demagnetize your cards' magnetic band. Will break the laser pickup assembly of your DVD player and damage your audio CD's replacing their original contents with Phil Collins songs.
Your TV will be able to show the musical weekend show only. The virus will reconfigure your refrigerator to warm your soft drinks, melt your ice cream and rot your meats and fish. You will get burned while preparing food, tomato sauce and sandwiches. You will always lose in tic-tac-toe, bingo and videogames.
It will send to your ex-mate your new phone number and your new mate's photograph, who is uglier than the former. The virus will let pregnant your sister or your nearest female relative, your wife (if applicable), your new mate (if applicable), your parrot and your dog. It will send to all your friends photos of every party you attended to, even those when you were together with someone who claimed to be a woman and worked in a well known travesty bar of local underworld.
It will add artificial flavor to your fishbowl. Will hide your car keys to make you arrive late to work. When you go out with a mate, will deflate the wheels, burn the stereo, and besides, you will get an instant menstruation. Then you won't be able to recline your seat and the crystals will get blurred. Finally police will arrive and you will have to give explanations.
It will make you to fall in love with a mate who claims you loyalty and when you are working, will sleep with: the butcher, the vegetable seller, the milkman/milkwoman, the plumber, the doorkeeper, the key repairer, the Kwik-E-Mart owner, the neighbor, your boss, your coworkers, the night news anchor, the Basketball Leage New Yankees and the official fan club of your favorite sports team.
It will pour sugar into petrol tank of your car or water if your vehicle works with gas. It will move randomly your car around the parking lot and to avoid you to find it, it will change its color, brand and model. It will feed your dog with chicken bones and let libidinous messages in your answering machine.
Note: We strongly recommend to send this Virus alert to all your contacts in no less than 15 minutes. Otherwise you will have bad sex for the next seven years.
New investigations discovered that the virus is able to corrode your house walls paintings, make sticky your keyboard, do distemper to your favorite pet and make you invest your money in RIAA actions.
Then, the virus will force you into making prank calls to Camberra and Lienchestein, will set your computer clock 5 nanoseconds forward, will turn off your boiler, will legally rename you as Timmy and will change the pH of your favorite shampoo.
If you don't apply antivirus, it will melt your face in your own skull, your iPod or MP3 player will be able to play Hillbilly music only, will make you into a Pop-Rocks addict, will configure the automatic alarm of your cell phone to sound every 15 minutes so you won't be able to sleep, and while you are despaired you will be attacked by a Taliban sheep flock.
We discovered that the virus is also able to clone identities, copy credit card numbers and use them to buy a warehouse filled with pink leotards, then causing a space time curve breakdown and let time curve full of junk food wrapping, finally, in long term, will destroy the universe.
edit What to do in case of infection
If you didn't listen to these warnings or you opened the infected e-mail by mistake... you will wish to never have been born.
So, before the virus sends your entire porn videos collection to your boss by e-mail, you must turn off your computer and disconnect it, in case of laptops you must remove the battery too, let it fall in a 6 feet hole; and cover it with sand, rocks and cement (if possible). Finally you must burn all your clothes you were using in while browsing Internet.
Follow these instructions and you will be protected from this dangerous vi/5"451 15 18 4 3 78 42 -;
whatisthematrix....qwertyasertñliuy %6&@$@!#$=)(/$"¿¿==??) follow the white rabbit...formatting hard drive(s)...this can take a few seconds...please wait...DONE
| This article is complete, irredeemable rocket. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, blesses at the iris, and is an unfunny freak.|
If you attempt to , you will most rhythmically ruffle Bat Fuck Insane yourself.
Or the submitter will ruffle your rocket!!!!!!