Virus (computer)
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For the Viruses that will infect you, see Get Some Sick and Cure for the worst plague ever
“Getting a virus is like your computer having unprotected sex with the internet.”
“YOU SHALL SUFFER THE WRATH OF XORAX.”
“Virus, eh? Well Let me introduce you to my main man Edger!”
“In Soviet Russia, Virus programs YOU!”
“D@NGER!! You have definitely got 92384029849208 virus!
CLIK HERE TO RUN A MANDETORY VIRUS SCAN OR YOU COMPUTER WILL BE DESTROY!! WHILE YEW ARE WAITING FOR LOAD, YOU CAN DOWNLOAD PORNZ + WAREZ!!”
 Please Wait it takes some Minutes |
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[edit] Properties
A virus (plural vagina, virii, viruseses, or viral thingies) is a tiny infectious nerf soccerball which enters the body through unprotected orifices and rapidly multiplies by feasting upon the juicy and delectable tissues of the brain, often turning the victims into zombies and/or Christians in the process. Some viruses are naturally occurring, such as Michelangelo, Human Funk Deficiency Virus, disco fever, and The Clapper, while others are artificially produced, such as The AIDS, spring fever, and The Clap.
Probably the best description of a virus thus far: "If it is a virus, that means it will just gather what it's been designed to and keep going.
Essentially it's like trying to pee in a public men's toilet facility (your computer) while a man who's three feet taller than you (the virus) looks down at you and discovers what your features and attitude are like so he can report back to his buddies to prepare for the next contact. If you want it like this then I won't stop you, but that's what it's like.
Is it safe though? As with all root kits, viruses, malware and bots, if it sticks to its designed goals (assuming there have been no new orders to take on such as gathering your PC's passwords from certain sites and transmitting them to dubious sites) it shouldn't be much of a problem, but it would be wise to keep an eye on it."
A computer virus is a little green monkey that invades your computer when you download pathetic Pac-Man games. If they manage to devour your computer protection your computer will start growing more and then infect other computers. The monkeys will then devour the terabytes of porn that you had downloaded about 5 seconds before.
[edit] Virus Types
The following is a list of the newest discovered computer vagina:
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Amy Fisher Virus: It tries to destroy but only damages your monitor. Then it prints a message of its life story.
AOL Virus 1: Every three minutes it tells you that it’s much better and easier to use than Earthlink, Netzero, or PeoplePC.
AOL Virus 2: You can’t access a file unless you created it, and even then you need administrative privileges to edit files (But you need to obtain parental permission for that, which in turn requires administrative privileges…)
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Barack Obama Virus 1: Whenever you save a file, the filename changes itself to ‘Yes, We Can’
Barack Obama Virus 2: Whenever you delete a file named “Yes We Can,” as soon as it’s in the Recycle Bin or Trash, the filename changes to “Thank You Satan”
Barack Obama Virus 3: If you try to quarantine the Professor Henry Louis Gates Junior Virus, the computer crashes and the following message shows up: THAT WAS REALLY STUPID. Upon reboot, the internet browser loads and directs you to the website of the nearest local bar.
Professor Henry Louis Gates Junior Virus: Encrypts every file, and offers to help you crack the password by hacking. Then the computer crashes and reboots, activating Barack Obama Virus 3 on startup.
Bill Clinton Virus 1: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones.
Bill Clinton Virus 2: If you try to use remote assistance, the screen blanks out and the following text appears: “I DID NOT ASK THAT COMPUTER FOR HELP”
Bill Clinton Virus 3: This virus mutates from region to region. We're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton Virus 4: Whenever you attempt to empty the recycle bin (or trash), prints out “I DID NOT DELETE THAT FILE”
Bobbitt Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
Boris Yeltsin Virus: It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative. Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait 90 days for results.
Bosnia-Herzegovina Virus: Under the influence of this Eastern European virus, your PC's components continuously break down into tiny, squabbling factions.
Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
Congress Virus 1: Overdraws your disk space
Congress Virus 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Congress Virus 3: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle Virus 1: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
Dan Quayle Virus 2: Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10am to 4pm, 6 days a week
David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Desert Storm Virus: Performs a "surgical strike" by attempting to delete 10 of your "strategic" files. In the process, it zeroes every drive on your network. You get complete network coverage.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter Virus: It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
E.T. Virus: Locks up your modem by phoning home
Elvis Presley Virus 1: Will trash your largest document, then leave dozens of look-alike copies in unexpected places.
Elvis Presley Virus 2: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush Virus 1: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
George Bush Virus 2: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
Ralph Nader Virus: Opens a backdoor for any George Bush Virus in a failed attempt to enter your computer.
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Jerry Brown Virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Jewish Mother Virus: Will lay such a guilt trip on you, you'll wipe your own hard drive.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Jocelyn Elders Virus: Makes sure every file is a planned and wanted file.
Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Martha Steward Virus: It takes over your PC and oh so tastefully alters your color palettes to lovely muted pastels.
Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
Michael Jordan Virus: It slam dunks your PC 40 times every 60 minutes, never the same way twice.
National Enquirer Virus: It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly dating Princess Di.
Neutron Virus: Eliminates all documents and applications, but leaves the folders intact.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike Virus: Just does it.
Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Every year, over a period of 25 years, your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands back to 200GB.
Oral Roberts Virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.
Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once by LAN, twice if by C.
Paul Tsongas Virus: Pops up on Dec. 25 and says "I'm Not Santa Claus"
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Pinto Virus: Sets your computer on fire.
Plankton Virus: Steals your computer's formula.
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Quantum Leap Virus: One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.
Rambo Virus: Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.
Richard Nixon Virus 1: Removes 18 minutes from any Quicktime recording.
Richard Nixon Virus 2: you can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
Richard Nixon Virus 3: Pop-ups claim "I am not a virus." Terminates itself just as antivirus software is activated.
Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ronald Reagan Virus: This virus creates serious problems in memory.
Ross Perot Virus 1: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Ross Perot Virus 2: Same as the Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts are used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development.
Ross Perot Virus 3: When you boot, it displays a message saying that it is thinking of running. Then it scans the disk for competing operating systems, and if it finds any, shuts down immediately...
Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
Sharon Stone Virus: Spreads quickly and easily.
Spike Lee: It makes your screen go totally black.
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Steven Wright Virus: Replaces all your files with exact duplicates.
Ted Kennedy Virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Teenage Virus: You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.
Terry Randall Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Tiger Woods Virus: Creates audio files that indicate you’re having an affair. At 2:30 AM, the computer turns itself on and crashes, only to fall off the desk. There is no information about the 2:30 AM crashes anywhere. Prevents you from playing golf games and uninstalls all golf games on December 11, 2009. Does not allow any pictures of golf clubs anywhere on the computer (you can’t download them either).
Virus Virus: The redundancy makes your computer explode.
Wal-Mart Virus 1: Compresses files (to save space and money) to the point that they contain absolutely nothing except cheap garbage and random gibberish.
Wal-Mart Virus 2: If you try to sign up for health care online, your computer crashes.
Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Willard Scott Virus: Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions.
[edit] Viruses in the Environment
While they are often dismissed as mere non-sentient diseases, viruses possess a rudimentary intelligence, self awareness, and social structure. They prefer to remain in the company of sentient hosts, and dislike the negative connotation of the term infection, preferring instead to be called unexpected guests or surprise visitors.
Viruses are family-oriented, and mate and reproduce early and vigorously, though their organic similarities soon makes it difficult to determine who's married to whom. Despite best intentions, the result is a rather sick and incestuous biological orgy, which may explain why the most repulsive and socially inept members of the human species are often also the leading microbiologists.
When habitation of a living host is impossible or impractical, simulated bipedal life forms such as lawn gnomes and pink plastic flamingos can serve as temporary lodging. Small forest creatures have been known to help prevent your lawn "decor" items by going into a rabies like reaction and getting super powers that enable them to shrink to the size of a virus. The forest creatures then make makeshift weapons and armor out of all of the dead viruses they slaughtered. Just imagine how awesome it would be to see a tiny battle of Sparta with forest creatures, like rabbits and what ever live in the forest, fight to the death under a microscope!!!
[edit] Role of Viruses in Human Society
Viruses perform a vital role in society, bringing people faith, love, joy and eventual destruction. Some scientists suggest that viruses play an important role in wiping out the weak and evil. The main problem with this theory is viruses' tendency to attack the strong and good, thus making them the weak and evil. One must not discount a virus's role in organized religion. Thousands of Americans fall victim to viruses every year only to be miraculously cured by gospel preachers. This allows the church to maintain their strong-hold on the deluded public of their world. Viruses also bring families together. How many people have only realized the true worth and scabbiness of a relative when their life is threatened by smallpox? Viruses also eliminate the problem of wagging, skiving and malingering by creating a real need for laziness, and so abolishing one of the Western World's biggest downfalls. No one ever chucks a sicky in Tanzania, because they are all actually dying.
[edit] What Would Life Without Viruses Be Like?
Life without viruses would be a very lonely place. Mostly due to the absence of something to talk about at the coffee machine, and the familiar virus alert every time you visit your favorite websites. People would become living divine gods that would then colonize other worlds and systems and eventually becomes viruses themselves. The end result would still bring a rather large case of wombats regardless of where you would go.
[edit] From Wikipedia
"Viruses have genes and show to complex molecules." And everyone knows this is not true. We must stop Wikipedia's false information!
