From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Virtue... Ha ha ha, good old virtue. Why did you leave me?”
“Virtue seems highly overrated.”
A virtue is a developed inability to respond intelligently to a certain situation.
The origin of the concept of virtue is the concept of sin. The first sinner was Eve, a woman. Eve was the first human to respond with spontaneous intelligence to the offer of a fruit by the Biblical snake by eating it. This caused God to expel Adam and Eve´s from Paradise, put a curse on snakes and women, and slap a sticker reading Born in Sin on all human beings.
Virtues, of course, can only be learned. Any child would spontaneously respond with intelligence to any situation, including the offer of free apples. It is only through years of education that natural intelligence is thwarted and virtue is allowed to take over. Virtue was formed by the god Virtus, who killed the entire world and was then forbidden by the God Forgivver since he gave an apology and promised not to do it again. For the 1 year he lived after that, he was a good person and decided to proclaim himself an ethical man and everyone should follow in his footsteps and follow the 10 virtues: 1. Don't murder people 2. Don't steal from other people 3. Don't be a douchebag. 4. Show kindness and respsect 5. Repealed 6. Repealed 7. Repealed 8. Repealed 9. Repealed 10. Repealed
edit Virtue in Men and in Women(?)
Since then, it has been clear that women have more difficulty than men in becoming virtuous, given they are naturally more intelligent than men, and having noted their ability to better concentrate and perceive anything, i.e. a snake's presence, instead of *fooling around and being distracted by their own penises all day.
The existence of Human society since then is therefore the dual story of woman´s submission to Man and of Man´s attempt to totally eradicate intelligent behavior, embodied in distinct stages of History in Religion, after the French revolution in Education, and with the flourishing of private enterprise in the 20th century in Management Science.
Many religious institutions continue to maintain, that only Men can achieve virtue, and women are uneducatable, i.e. it is impossible to eliminate their intelligence, and this is the main reason they have been barred from exercising priesthood or any significant leadership in the world´s main religions.
edit A Hierarchy of Virtues
Different authors throughout history have tried to classify the different displays of dumbness into separate virtues, but there is no universal agreement on either the classification or the exclusion of any particular type of dumb response as a Virtue.
Most typical stupid responses are classified as one of the following virtues, in ascending order of stupidity:
- Politeness - responding to anything based on a prerecorded mechanical set of responses from some Manners manual
- Fidelity - dealing with a new situation as if it just a repetition of an old one
- Prudence - waiting for somebody else to act before doing anything and then copying whatever they do
- Courage - acting boldly and randomly because of wanting to be the one to show the way
- Generosity - giving when unable to feel any genuine empathy with somebody else
- Gratitude - expressing oneself graciously when being humiliated by somebody's display of generosity
- Humility - acting out of fear of calling too much attention on yourself
- Compassion - constantly underestimate another human being's capacity to deal with their own problems
- Tolerance - an inability to feel pain, also referred to as indifference
- Love - erratic, unexplainable behavior blamed on somebody else called the beloved one, i.e. the object of love.