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Threat Level is an alert color chart system used by Homeland Security to indicate the threat level of virginity in the United States.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Virginity.

Virginity is, according to common mythology, only found in men. It is mentioned that after the initial phase of the woman laying the eggs from her underarm inside his chest, his virginity, and soon his life, is lost when the small Sea-Mens, after maturing inside his corpal cavity, burst from his ribcage. The fully matured Sea-Mens quickly devour all of the man's possession, consuming his soul last, and fly off into the night. Although many rumors exist concerning Sea-Mens, there has never been a documented medical case.

However, nowadays, there are many cases of female virginity. The only cure to this virginity is for sex to occur or to simply slide her long tentacle down a man's throat and freeze him solid from the inside out.

The current epidemic rise of female virginity can be attributed to a number of factors such as 'values' and 'pride', however, most scholars agree that the main reason behind this is no doubt the result of the Millennium Virgins evil plans. A recent study revealed that 1 in 4 females have been infected by virginity.

Prevalence of Virginity


Danger Zones map showing areas where virginity is widespread marked by Red, Yellow and Blue, where Red represents the most dangerous areas.

Blue Zones

A good place to live in, you can have your vacation there, no problem. No virginity there at all. The people that live there are really happy and they are technologically advanced too. Thing is that if you are reading this article then there is a good chance that you live in a blue zone. Enjoy the good life man.

Yellow Zones

The majority of Earth's population lives in Yellow Zones, and if you aren't lucky then you are probably living there. These zones suck really bad and offer no mercy. Those who live there, who are 99% of world population, have significantly reduced life expectancy. There is no evidence of law and order there and most of the Millennium Virgins have unsurmountable influence in this zone because people lost all hope and have miserable lives. Sad but true.

Red Zones

CLASSIFIED - there is no reason at all for you to know about this zone as it is uninhabitable by humans. It is speculated that this zone is the source of infection, however, there is no scientific evidence to back this claim. Recently, United States government quarantined this zone. It may or may not bite you. depending. find it on a good day. WATCH OUT!

How to Catch and Cure Virginity

Virginity is the condition all people are afflicted with through the action of being born.

It has been claimed that it is possible to catch virginity from a dirty toilet seat, but in actuality you contract it from keyboards.

In the event you catch virginity, the cure depends on the severity of the case. For example, in the case of people like Jack Thompson, virginity is incurable. However, many claim to have been cured from this condition with a surgical technique predominantly used in Hungary involving a wallet transplant.

Although it has been stated that a true virgin is almost impossible to find (and that a female of this nature is even rarer), several documented cases have been made. It was suggested that sweet, little, innocent school girls from Christian families are more likely to be affiliated with this condition, however they go to a club house every week and can befriend people they've never met instantly over knowledge of a popular fandom while atheists have to go to comic book shops if they want community story time. No, most virgins are freaks, mutants and weirdos with interests so niche it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Basically the more special you are the more miserable and alone you are going to be because of it, so try not to be special in any way or you'll stick out, just be as generic as humanly possible and you will have lots of potential partners.

The easist way to cure a virgin can be found in the article Catholic. However, curing a virgin is not without risks, often pregnancy, committment and bankrupcy follows.

Virgins are often found at church, baseball games, masturbating at home with 8 different tabs open or editing web sites trying to be funny and hence gain attention thru completing quests, in order to cure themselves of their abnormality and be lifted of the witch's curse of dying alone.

The Millennium Virgin Cults

Soviet Unicorn rocking horse

Women who will date men without a job normally ride around dreamland on communist unicorns.

Conspiracy theorists have speculated over the years that there is indeed a Millennium Virgin cult that exists and is hell-bent on spreading the epidemic onto females. For many years, their existence was disputed among well-known scholars, until in the year, 2000 when it was officially announced through the internet that mass revirgination was in the works. However, its still unknown whether the existence of the Millennium Virgin cults was prior to the extensive scholarly speculation. Actually, its been theorized that the cult was formed only after it was falsely imagined by the public and that mere speculation spearheaded the creation of the cult. Their first stages of their evil plan of revirgination consisted of manipulating the media and making them promote their menacing ideas so as to invite the public into their flowering plans. Their cult leader is said to be the Virgin Mary who is rumored to be the same person as Sir Richard Branson. Whether Virgin Mary has complete control of the cults is also unknown as it has been rumored that they have split into different factions and splinter groups due to their unwillingness to conform to one virgin concept; the only evidence of this other than the rumor is from a mass spam emails sent in 2003, which was titled, "What would Virgin Mary do?" Nowadays, thanks to many video productions of redefined Virgin-Porn where it shows women and men practicing the art of getting the disease as well as spreading it onto others instantly through what they call 'Thrashing' or 'White Highlighting'. This has influenced most young people of today into thinking that being a virgin is good and beneficial to their life. Such fallacies were addressed by the CDC but with no avail.

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