Virginia Military Institute
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“You may be whatever you resolve yourself to be... as long as it starts with 'bad' and ends in 'ass'”
| Virginia Military Insttute | |
| |
| Logo of the VMI | |
| Motto | Consilio Et Animis |
| Established | November 11, 1839 |
| School type | Senior Military College |
| President | {{{head}}} |
| Location | Lexington, Virginia, USA |
| Campus | Fairly prison-like |
| Enrollment | 1378.5, Undergrad ONLY! |
| Endowment | One Billion Quadrillion Zillion Yen? |
| Faculty | Superb |
| Mascot | Moe the Kangaroo, Who is rumored to breath fire and piss excellence. |
The Virginia Military Institute, or VMI as it is often abbreviated, is a state military college in Lexington, Virginia. It is one of six senior military colleges in the United States and is considered by many to be the greatest educational experience on earth, although VMI cadets are often the most vocal skeptics of this fact. General Xavier Conan the Destroyer III of the Confederacy was quoted once during the glorious Confederate victory of Second Manasass as saying about VMI, "That damned place could be the finest school on this planet, or any for that matter."
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Founding and Uprising Against Northern Tyranny
VMI was founded in 1839 on the site of a former Yankee arsenal. The VMI cadets under the command of His Supreme Excellency Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson seized the site from those horrible villains and proclaimed with loud voices that forevermore, Sons of the South would receive training there in order to become officers and later lead the South in conquest of other realms. During the Glorious Southern Uprising I, VMI led the way in crushing Yankee forces all over the United States. It is even reputed that cadets seized the White House in June, 1863 in order the have lunch with Abraham Lincoln, then they destroyed the then-present monument of Yankee glory and advanced to the rear somewhere near Richmond. Due to a book-keeping error, the North won the war despite billions of casualties, no doubt dealt at the hands of the VMI cadets.
[edit] World War I
A shitload of graduates won the Medal of Honor. They're all pretty badass according to General Pershing, who is often attributed the quote, "Like holy crap, they're all 50 times the men I wish I could be..."
[edit] World War # Dos
Well, conventional wisdom states that the Marine Corps single-handedly whooped up on Japan during the second world war, but in factuallity, VMI won the war altogether. The current interpretation of history surrounding the war is alleged to be a fabrication by graduates of the Citadel.
[edit] Academic Ranking
1st in absolutely everything. Suck on it South Carolina.
[edit] Students
[edit] Admission of Womans
VMI has long been an all male school. Many contend that this was not ghey. At any rate, the school was forced to admit women in the year 1997 by the US Supreme Court. Since that time, the number of women in the corps of cadets has risen steadily every year. The administration has made it a goal to increase the female presence at the school, publicly because the male cadets are lonely, privately because they just don't give damn either way.
[edit] Student Life
LOL
But seriously, many cadets enjoy the regular staples of a normal American college experience. They often sit in their rooms and roam the Internets on weekends. Either that or if they're lucky they get piss-drunk at one of the nation's other fine institutions of higher learning.
[edit] Ratline
The practice of beating incoming freshman was instituted at VMI in the year 1853, thus begun the tradition of the Ratline. Since that time, more has been added to that tradition. Such modern controversial practices include: "rolling the hay", raping ducks, being boned, and Cocke Hall disciplinary sessions. The legality of the Ratline was challenged in a Supreme Court case in 1948, known as Spitzner v. Virginia. The Justices held 8-1 that VMI had the right to conduct such controversial and cruel practices on the grounds that the incoming freshmen had every right to leave at anytime and end their misery. Navy Seal training, known as buds, is based off of VMI's Hell Week, the first portion of the Ratline. Many contend that VMI, being the source of such intense military training, has the hardest 1st week initiation session in the entire country. Only Himalayan Mountain Warrior Monks go through more physical pain and mental stress than rats. Those monks have burning coals heaped on their heads and have nails driven through their fingers to determine if Buddha has chosen them worthy of the warrior monk life. Some even contend that these monks based their system off of the VMI Ratline. The Ratline ends whenever the upper three classes of the school get bored of harassing and torturing the freshman. Rinse and repeat every year.
[edit] Military Service
VMI supplies the United States with the finest military officers in the galaxy. The only officers that even come close to rivaling VMI graduates are the leaders of the famous 501st Legion commanded by Lord Vader himself. Many like to speculate how a battle between these forces would turn out, but both factions have such admiration for each other skills that they both contend that if such a battle were to occur, the universe would instantaneously implode upon itself. As was stated earlier, the primary objective of training officers at VMI is to prepare for the Second Southern Uprising.
[edit] Athletics
VMI could lead the NCAA in every category if it wanted to, but it doesn't. It's content with letting its athletes pretend to suck at the sports they participate in, in order to hide their true skills in preparation for the Second American War for Southern Independence.
[edit] Notable Graduates
- Chuck Norris is reputed to have studied here during his wayward travels in search for truth during the 1850's. Norris mastered the Ratline in six hours time. He is the only person to breakout of the ratline the day he matriculated. He has since been given 21 honorary degrees from the Institute. They even invented the Norris major just so they could award it to him. Norris is also famous for inventing the US Marines in 1107.
- Jack Bauer graduated from VMI as a part of the class of 1967. He has since done many badass things. His leadership helped the class of '67 to become the only college class in history to conquer Latin America.
- President Theodore Roosevelt is a distinguished graduate of the class of 1887.
- General Patton Initially a part of the class of 1907, Patton deemed VMI too awesome for him and demoted himself to West Point.
- Col. Claudius Crozet Founder of VMI's fine dinning experience known as Club Crozet.
- General George C. Marshall, class of 1901 is probably the most revered man besides Jackson to ever be associated with VMI.
