Virginia
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| Virginia Errant portions have been determined to not exist. 
| |
|---|---|
| State Flowers: | Cannabis |
| Languages: | English |
| State Motto: | "Virgins Galore" |
| Currency: | Dried tobacco leaves |
| Main imports: | Guns, Migrant workers, Wal-Mart, Yuppies. |
| Main exports: | Weed, Deer, Tobacco, Rednecks, Beer, Confederate flags, Jobs. |
| AKA: | VA |
The Commonwealth of Virginias is a small crown dependency in North America. It was originally a part of the United States of America, but it broke off in the shaggy 1960's in response to the nationwide ban on Africans and because it considers itself too important to be a mere state. The country is located between the South, Midwest, and Mid-Atlantic regions of its former country. There is also a small, uninhabited portion on the Delmarva peninsula known as the Eastern Penis. Virginia unfortunately lies in a damaged portion of space-time, resulting in everything there about to happen backwards into the present.
There are five states in Virginia: East Virginia, West Virginia, The Democratic Republic of Northern Virginia, South Virginia, and Virginny. Northern Virginia pays for Virginia's envied Public Education and Health Care System with their tax dollars, but as the entire area is populated by Liberals and Asians, they don't care (or want to cause trouble) about paying high taxes.
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[edit] History
Virginia, originally called Virgin Land, was ironically settled by English prostitutes in the 1400s. Virginia was discovered by the explorer Sir Walter Francis Drakey, who named the colony after Queen Elizabeth I's vagina, which he had caught sight of by accident during one of her royal disco parties.
Many people claim that Native Americans were the first human inhabitants of Virginia. However, Native Americans are technically not human. The real first Virginians were George Washington and his young bride Robert E. Lee.
In the mid 1500s, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise formed a sensual partnership with Thomas Jefferson. They then founded the first university in the world, the stylish University of Virginia, Designed by Thomas Jeffersonâ¢.
In the early 1600s the Mayflower sailed from Spain and headed to South Carolina, but they missed and genetically engineered the Chesapeake Bay so they would have a place to bathe.[citation needed]
In the 1700s it was the location of the signing of the peace treaty between Darth Vader and MySpace.
In the 1800s Virginia was cloned by the Buddhists for use as a sex slave.
[edit] 1900s
In the 1960s Virginia seceded from the United States in protest of the nationwide boycott on Africans. Virginia ruler Queen Elizabeth II had sex with her cousins and formed an alliance with the Klingon Empire.
In the 1970s the country was ruled by Bowser, who came to the planet on a gaudy looking gold-plated spaceship with whitewalls and funky music.
In the 1980s, the Asians and n00bs within the Northern Virginia lower middle-class aristocracy sold nearly all 101 million of their Caucasian dalmatian slaves to the Greys for 430 trillion US dollars. The aristocrats used the profits to build time-traveling spaceships which went back in time to the date 9/11 A.D., one year after Earth was formed (according to official government scientists) and planted a hidden Pentagon-shaped warhead which will launch on the secret date of December 31, 2012 towards Jupiter. When it detonates, Jupiter will expand and become a star, which will painfully destroy all life on Earth.
In the 1990s the Virginias purchased a record-breaking 30 million Hello Kitty war tanks from New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan to guard the royal capital of Fairfax County. Only 4 million could fit on its congested roads, so the rest were donated to the people of Virginia so they could play cute war games.
In the 2000s it was the site of the Virginia Technology Massacre, which despite popular belief was actually the detonation of twin supercomputer towers near the Pentagon. Upon hearing this, Lieutenant Commander Tim Kaine returned from his economic takeover mission in Japan using the excuse: "I'm sorry but the Dominion war has begun."
[edit] People
Virginia has a population of approximately 300 billion people. Some of them belong to the sub-species of humans known as rednecks (Homo rednecktus) and Native Americans ("no good Indians"). Some minorities include Blacks, cyborgs, Greys and Jews. Its ruling class consists of curvy Latin women and impotent Asian men.
There is a relatively low population in Virginia (compared to Virginias on other planets), due to state laws restricting children. They are usually Not sold as food Friend to the Chinese.America Friend.
Nine U.S. Presidents and American heroes are born and raised in Virginia, the "mother", "father" or "incubator" of presidents. We be representin' the "No' side". Washington D.C. isn't in Virginia or Maryland, dumbasses.
The fastest-growing state beyond the pourous U.S. borders, Virginia grew by 2 million people in the last 7 years. Remember "Virginia is for Lovers". ;-)
Interestingly, a slang term for a Virginian is "Virgin".
[edit] Government
Virginia currently has no government. It at one time invented representative democracy, but after experimenting with various other forms of government (and after many costly civil wars) decided on militaristic anarchy. The Commonwealth tends to make laws up as they go, you might be arrested for breaking a law that doesn’t exist. The state is loosely ruled by a coalition based at the Virginia Military Institute.
[edit] Sports
Hunting animals such as Bison and Capybara have served as the states longest form of a sport. However, soccer moms within “The Peoples Republic of Northern Virginia” force they’re children to play sports at school they either don’t want to, or are unable to due to obesity. Sports such as Tennis, Volleyball, and Golf.
Nude wrestling was also been founded in the country of Virginia.
[edit] Additional Information and Warnings
Virginia ranked higher than any populated region of the United States for hate crimes against the disabled; therefore if you are handicap or will be traveling with someone who is it is advised you do not travel alone. [1] Such rap artist from Virginia have made tracks about such crimes, “Wheelchair Killer” came out with his hit single in 2007, “Beat that Tard”, “Knock it’s eyes straight”, and “Kick it out it’s wheelchair”.
Scientific theory states that exciting and Virginia cannot exist together in the same place in the same universe, they would ultimately destroy each other, this theory also states that if this were to happen the entire state of Virginia would be replaced by something altogether more boring.
Of course this theory has yet to gain acceptance in Virginia as residents often don't believe in Science
[edit] Transportation
There are two one-way dirt roads in Virginia: one going east and one going west. The main part of Virginia used to be connected to the Eastern Penis by a wooden bridge, but the bridge fell underwater in 1995 when a car made the first ever attempt to cross it. Nobody has a reason to go there anyway, so no attempts were made to rebuild it.
Transportation is much different in Northern Virginia. There is an extensive network of Mario-esque Star Roads which allow drivers to travel around the area and to Washington, D.C. at high speed between the hours of 2 and 5am. Traffic restricts speeds to about 10mph at other times. Most residents own rugged 4-wheel drive SUVs in order to navigate the handful of one-inch snowfalls the area receives each year, which cause all schools and offices in the area to close anyway.
Please note that there are no speed limits in Virginia. This is because $5,000 traffic tickets are used for anyone going faster than most people, or faster than a police car.
[edit] Currency
Various items are used as currency in Virginia. Examples include daughters, tobacco, and classic pickup trucks. Sometimes the US dollar is used when trading for items in other parts of the world.
Negro’s have served as the countries longest form of currency. This form of currency is still legal tender within the Jack Daniels Country region of the state.
[edit] Laws
In Virginia, it is a capital offense to be one of the following:
- Human.
- Cyborg.
- Jewish.
- El-Salvadorian.
- East German.
- Italian.
- Nice.
- Kind.
- Pennsylvanian.
- Transylvanian.
- Slovak.
- Canadian.
- Negro.
- Democrat.
- Gay (except in Arlington/Alexandria/Roanoke).
- Bi (except in Fairfax/Falls Church/Salem).
and * Retarded. (See additional warnings section)
It is a Law within Virginia that once any child reaches the Adult age of 10, he or she shall receive they're very first Grenade. At the age of 13 the adult is by law required to own three shotguns, one pistol, and a pair of brass knuckles. By the age of 15 the adult is required to become a life member of the National Rifle Association and register as a Republican. It is required by 16 that the adult enlist in the Confederate Army and serve a minimum of twelve years. By the age of 18 it is required that the adult work at Food Lion, Bloom, Shoppers, Safeway, or any new, cool, or hip grocery store.
One also cannot eat shrimp meat, for shrimp are sacred in the eyes of the ruling class.
[edit] Cities
The last known Independent City in Virginia was destroyed in the Atomic Bombing of Richmond during the Civil War. Virginia today instead uses counties that act like cities, such as Arlington County. However, in recent years, the grand village called 'Norfolk' has made an amazing comeback to be referred to, but not recognized as a 'city'. Front Royal is recognized as a 'quasi-city', and serves as Virginia's official bordello, due to it's very high concentration of sluts. It is also known as the No Driving Moron capital of the world. Due to recent illegal immigration, Winchester has also made some strides, becoming the Virginia chapter of the VFW (Very Few Whites). Strasburg, although still not recognized as a 'city' outright, has become a major industrial center with its pottery industry. Major products include: Ashtrays, beer steins and moonshine jugs.
- However, other urban areas or cities or occupied dwellings do exist within the country of Virginia. The wonderful shity of Manassas (Mans-Asses or Molasses) which is located in “The Peoples Republic of Northern Virginia” is well known for the incident involving the infamous penis chopper Lorena Bobbitt, who sliced off her husband’s Wang and threw it out her car while driving. Manassas is known for there never-ending car dealerships which is basically the entire shity. Illegal Immigration is also openly welcome within the shity limits of Manassas (See:The “Georgetown South”, neighborhood in downtown Manassas).
- Richmond has still remained a top tourist attraction despite its radioactivity from the Atomic Bomb. Most redneck groups gather together during the week to take a vistit to the “White House of Confederacy”, the headquarters for where Negros were sold. Richmond has been named one of the most violent cities in the United States, mainly due to the amount of Negros that were freed during the Civil War that still reside today, in the exact same houses they were sold in. However today they have structured open-air drug markets that keeps the economy alive in the city. If you need gas in Richmond, steal it. Gas is not readily available like in other normal cities. Mcdonalds, and Popeyes; the high dining restraunts that have received multiple awards for they’re outstanding food are readily available in Richmond. Richmond is also home to Virginia's highest quality educational institution, Virginia Commonwealth University, which is actually an extension of Richmond's drug market as well as part of a massive CIA mind-control project.
The picture here and here are photographs taken within downtown Richmond. The photo on the top shows the historic landmarks in the “Jackson Ward” area of the city. The photo below is a historic landmark in the “Church Hill” area of the city.
- Towns like Blacksburg have perfected the art of breeding serial killers. The infamous serial killer Henry Lee Lucas who was responsible from 100-600 murders throughout the United States of America, was born and raised in Blacksburg. The Virginia Tech massacre, which was the deadliest shooting incident by a single gunman in United States history, also occurred in Blacksburg Virgina. With these things bieng said it is a perfect place to raise a family.
- Woodbridge is the wigger capital of the country of Virginia (notice the "Live long and prosper" gangsta hand signs). The dukedoms Centreville, Sterling, Leesburg, Dumfries, Portsmouth, Chesapeake, and Manassas Park follow closely behind. Woodbridge is also home to trees, windy ass roads, houses in the middle of the woods, suburbanites, and gang bangers.
[edit] Other Virginia cites include:
- Petersburg (The fucking Ukraine)
- Fairfax (Fuck-Fax)
- Danville (Stupid Hillbilly town)
- Virginia Beach (Disguised redneck tourist town)
- Naw-Fuck (NaaawwwFuuuuukkk)
- Newport News (Some like to consider the home of Michael Vick, or Rednecks perhaps?)
- False Church (Godamn it why make a city with a broadway no longer than a mile long!!!! UUUGH)
- The Freemason Dominion of Alexandria
- Springfield (Might as well be part of Alexandria)
- Frederedneckburg (They don’t know if they are north or east Virginia and more gang problems than Compton)
- Manassas Park (The fake city before you enter Mans-asses)
- Berryville (3 people live there)
- Harrisonburg (A Major Methamphetamine Distributor)
- Lynchburg (I think they hung Negro's there)
- Roanoke (This city has a higher homosexual population density than fucking San Francisco)
- Winchester (World's largest population of illegal aliens)
- Glasgow (Yes, Virginia has a Glasgow)
- Williamsburg (They pay people to act like that?)
- Farmville (Home of Bongwood University, Whitey, where Patrick Henry bought liquor at the ABC Store when not giving speeches and owning slaves. Ironically, no farms besides empty Boone's Farm bottles)
- Waynesboro (Hey, have you ever seen a mountain?)
- Salem (Small town outside of Roanoke that wishes it was big enough to be a real city)
- Portsmouth-(See trailer park)
And many other small uninhabited cities and towns that we will not further discuss.
[edit] Education
In most of Virginia, education is the process of learning how to pwn your mom.
However, in Northern Virginia, students additionally are expected to learn everything in the world or else, as anyone in less than 5th grade AP Calculus and Philosophy are treated as rejected adopted puppies and will be exiled to rest of Virginia.
After high school, students are offered the ability to further their education in one of ten trade schools: Old Dominion University (orgies), Radford University (drinking), University of Virginia (bigotry), Christopher Newport University (smoking) VCU (chokefucking), William & Mary (complaining), George Mason University (World of Warcraft), Shenandoah University (square dancin', drivin' John Deeres), James Madison University (farming) and Virginia Tech (football). After high school, students are given the option to attend one of these schools to further pursue the core subject that they enjoyed most in kindergarten.
[edit] Native fauna
- Virginia creeper - an ugly vine shown on the old state flag who likes to lift up skirts.
[edit] Trivia
- Northern Virginia has the highest concentration of naturally-occurring Pikachus in the world (all at Level 100.)
- Virginia was almost named Slutsylvania.
