Viola
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“A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure.”
“Ich bin eine Bratsche!”
“Who the devil are you?”
~ a viola player on the conductor
The Viola is a stringed musical instrument. For many years, the only people who played the viola were two very quiet blacks guys (one of which is an anime freak) and an annoying white girl who tries to act "G". Recently Violists have taken a shocking turn, known to be the only sociable, best looking, and remotely cool(therefore coolest) members of any orchestra. Any gathering of orchestra members is usually centered around one or more violists, whom all the other members of the orchestra want to be like. Whether or not this has improved their playing ability remains to be seen.
In spite of this historical handicap, viola players have still held a respectable position in the orchestra community. They, much like the violinists, often show hostility and resentment towards the cello and bass sections, even though nobody cares. Well, maybe the bassists do, but they play a fish for Christssakes!
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[edit] History
[edit] Creation
The viola was created by Sir Iphen Ankleheimer in the early part of the Middle Ages. He was trying to make a violin for his daughter but accidentally made the neck of the instrument too long. Well, he figured, "Fuck it. I'll just tell her it's an oversized violin, and that it's better. She's dumb. She'll believe it." Then, after realizing that he had put popped cello strings on the instrument, he thought, "Fine. I'll call it a... A viola! Yeah, a viola..."
And so the instrument of the Apocalypse (not Apocalyptica; they are cellists) was born.
[edit] Instrumentation throughout the ages
After the Plague killed most of the real musicians in the middle of the Middle Age, many people craved for the revival of music and theatre. Well, the Cornpickles (the descendants of Sir Iphen Ankleheimer's daughter) decided to replicate and mass produce the viola in hopes of making big bucks.
With thousands of violas spreading from the countryside, people began to include them in the orchestra, alongside with other string instruments at the time. Unfortunately, due to its unique acoustics, no composers were able to write anything that sounded at all decent for the thing. The answer to this problem conductors just told the violists to just sit there and not play at all. This tradition, for the most part, continues to this day. It also has resulted in many violists to not even acknowledge the conductor even when he does tell them to play their three notes.
During the Renaissance, Bach introduced violas actually playing, although they usually only pizzicato one or two notes. He even wrote the Six Suites for the viola originally, until he realized what he had done. He quickly transposed the Suites so the cello could play them instead.
Today, some songs actually have them playing up to seven notes. Usually whole notes. Amazing.
Also, the violas now sit between the second violinists and the cellists (they use to be seated next to the oboes) and are almost always led by something called a "third violinist". Third violinists are the worst violinists imaginable and can't even play a simple one octave C major scale without playing out of tune. But, when they play that third violin part, they outshine the viola's, whom the part was actually written for.
[edit] Famous violists
- Allison, the trans-gender otter.
- Jenna Jameson once used a viola for sexual pleasure in her famous video, "Beaver Suite".
- Paul Hindemith is a famous viola player and composer, but you don't care about him, or even know who he is. His most famous composition is Trauermusik, which scares the shit out of people and makes them suicidal. His music is frequently used by American interrogators in Iraq. Hey, they can't say it's torture if we call it music!
- Phil Hellmuth once broke a viola over an opponent's head after losing a hand at poker, making him a famous avant garde violist.
[edit] Viola Jokes
- what's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer
- What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
- What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
- How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
- What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
- What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
- Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
- How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
- Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
- What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
- If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
- Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
- Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
- How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
- Why are viola players like terrorists?
They both fuck up boeings.
